I speak to my husband like shit

[Theresacure]

I can't condone the way I speak to my husband in many ways. I feel constantly frustrated with him and seem to perpetually, rudely let it show.

Tonight he has told me he's had enough. I get it and I have said we will begin discussing separating. He got angry at this as he said he doesn't want this to be the outcome, just wants me to "stop doing it."

But this is the problem... I can't.

I've seen several counsellors over the last 5 years and each time I've expressed the way I am with DH and exactly how I speak to him, I'm met with empathy. DH is largely emotionally unavailable, extremely disorganised and very selfish at times. I often feel like a possession rather than a person in this marriage.

But this does not excuse the way I speak to him. I am constantly exasperated, irritated and frustrated and let it show. He says that DC1 now gives him a "look" when I speak to DH rudely as if to say "here she goes again Dad."

I've asked DC1 how he feels about the way mummy speaks to Daddy and he has said that he thinks I am nice most of the time and get cross sometimes when Daddy does silly things. Obviously, it's not good that sometimes I show my annoyance with DH infront of the children.

Today, I was annoyed after DH was late getting DC1 to his football match on time (again) He is literally late every single week. And because he woke DC2 up after crashing around loudly in the kitchen when she was having her nap... he drags things along the floor loudly as opposed to picking them up.

I was irritated and spoke to him in a flustered, rude tone of voice and then told him I was fed up of him seeing everything in black and white when he asked me another question (can't remember what).

I am confused. I cringe at myself when Im so rude to DH, but then what can I do about it? I've tried to rectify my behaviour with counselling, CBT, coaching, reading books over the years but I just can't seem to stop. Counsellors always seem to feel sorry for me because I carry the lions share and I'm pretty neglected by DH emotionally.

What else can I do? I am constantly ashamed of the way I speak to him. I am quite prepared to explore separation, but DH gets angry when I mention this and won't seem to consider it an option.

What can I do?

^this was exactly what I was going to ask.
I suspect that the answer is fuck all.

It sounds like a miserable marriage and there is nothing to suggest any ounce of hope that he is not going to change. Please please get legal advice and end the relationship.

You mention about getting help separately for yourself, but it sounds like he is a large part of the problem, so without any change from him, how can he expect you to stop being like that towards him?

Have you considered relationship counselling to see whether this could help him to change some of his own behaviours, and as a result this may help the situation with your own behaviour?

Wow I could have written this post myself. Since having our son 8 months ago it's like I've suddenly realised just how annoyingly selfish and useless he is. But I do love him.

I mentioned couples counseling but he declined just said it's me and my tone and I've changed. I'm giving us until the end of the year to sort this and try and rekindle our relationship we once had. I think spending do little time on myself has changed me as my son is so young and has been very poorly in and out of hospital. Have been meaning to shave my legs for 4 weeks!

I do think either separation or accepting they are that way is the only 2 options. I know I'm the way I am because of the stress that I currently have in my life so I need to find ways of destressing. Whereas my husband closes himself off to me and deals with the stress that way so I feel like I'm married to a robot.

Also got told some good advice from a counselor once that it's like the boy that cried wolf. Nag all the time and he will never listen but instead it you save it until he does do something really out of order or wrong he will actually take it in.

And communication is vital. Make him talk. I sit there and keep going on and on until he actually tells me how he's feeling. I'm guilty of it too but spending more time one on one without kids is needed monthly too. Not saying a whole day or night even if just go out for lunch together.

Best of luck OP.

I often feel like a possession rather than a person in this marriage.

I am quite prepared to explore separation, but DH gets angry when I mention this and won't seem to consider it an option.

Do you see the connection between these two statements?

He's gaslighting you by the way.

You behave this way because you are an ordinary human being who is exhausted and ground down by his behaviour.

If he had worked half as hard as you have to change his own behaviour you wouldn't feel that way anymore.

This is how he wants it to be.

This could've been me writing this post a few years ago.

OP. Think very carefully about what you want. Have you always been this irritated by him?
My exH was similar, and I was a miserable bitch and took it out on him, which in turn made him shut down even more. We could no longer sustain it and it literally tore us apart.
Do I have regrets? Hell yes! I am happier now than I was then, but I realise that life's struggles- financial/work/tiredness ground us down and we did not do enough to try and repair the damage.
It was fixable at the time I am sure of it, but we left it too late as by the time both of us realised, we were both too scared to try again for fear of failure.

I would suggest couples counselling, and also have a look at the divorcebusting forums (google will take you there).

It'd be easier not to be rude to him if he wasn't such an inconsiderate pain in the arse. That's if you call having to constantly remind him to be a decent human being, rude.

So maybe, if he wants you to stop doing it, he needs to stop stomping about, scraping chairs, being deliberately irritating....

Whose idea was all this therapy? The guy who seems to take delight in pushing you to the limits of your tolerance then tell you you're the problem?

The water torturer in this thread might sound familiar. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Tbh, it sounds like you feel contempt for him, and maybe him the same for you and I have have always heard that is one feeling that really should end a marriage I'm afraid.

So he wants you to change the way you speak to him? What's he doing to stop the behaviour altar is making you feel so (understandably) annoyed, upset and frustrated with him. It needs to work both ways. He is behaving horribly too. He can't have his cake and eat it. If he wants to stop you speaking to him in that way he needs to do his part too.

I'm not surprised you speak to him the way you do. He wants you to accept him as he is. But how he is, is utterly horrid. He is inconsiderate, rude, and selfish. Yet you have to be nice to him. Bollocks to that.

OP I was incredibly lucky - in the end my parents bought my XH out of our house, and I went back to work full time.

But I honestly would have walked out with nothing in the end, I was that desperate.

I hope you get sorted

Namenic

It is annoying that dc is late for football but in a way, maybe dc would prefer to be late for football than have parents arguing.

What a bizarre comment those aren't the only options you know. In one fell stroke you're allowing him to continue to be a useless arse and embarrass the son by being late repeatedly. Expecting a grown man to be on time is too much apparently.

I'm sure he manages to be on time for work and other things that have consequences. He simply doesn't care enough, or is being deliberately incompetent so that eventually OP will step in and take the son to football herself.

OP absolutely seek legal advice, you're not the only person to be in a situation where the spouse refuses to separate. He's trying to force you to change your behaviour workout addressing his own, which is causing you to behave like this.

My mum was an angry, frustrated woman dealing with a disengaged husband for decades. He never changed his behaviour, and now in their 50s wants a divorce because he "can't cope" with her nagging. All the while enjoying her meals, cleaning and laundry, of course.

I remember, after I got divorced, a mutual friend said, "you were so angry all the time". I was. All the time. I'm not now.

If you can't leave right now, at least plan to leave. Plan very well.

You can't spend the rest of your life like this.

You've tried to change, but if the core issues aren't addressed by your husband then it's hard to see what else you can do, other than just shutting down and no longer caring.

As PPs have said, sees a solicitor and start planning lass.

I am questioning myself though.
I am a really irritable person... loud noises, bright lights, constant fidgeting, non-stop talking. I get really wound up. Although cope much better when it's the DCs doing these things than DH.

What if I am unreasonably irritable and demanding? How can you just stop finding something irritating? If it is me, I don't know how DH expects me to just "stop" being irritated. Surely something either irritates you or it doesn't?

DH does irritating things. And I can be irritable. But that's not the same as the semi-permanent annoyance I felt with exH.

I feel the urge to apologize to DH when I get grumpy. I never felt that with exH.

I agree that he sounds much like the water torturer that Lundy Bancroft describes.

Also that he appears to be making no effort to rectify the situation.. he must know that his behaviour can be exasperating?

As for feeling irritated by a lot of things.. This could be a sign of depression or anxiety? I’m not saying it is for you, but I know that in my experience, feelings of constant irritation (at everything in life!) have been hugely decreased by antidepressants. Something to consider perhaps anyway?

It took me 7 years to get from wishing I was dead in our marriage to actually splitting up: they were wasted years, good years of my life, and when the split did happen it was ugly and messy and that was my fault because I didn’t have the balls to do it well. (Pre-Mumsnet, oh how much better it would have been if I’d had the Nest of Vipers on my side).

Do not do what I did. Don’t waste your life and avoid damaging him more than necessary.

Firstly, get your head in order. He is inconsiderate, selfish, unloving, and you feel like a possession. It is unreasonable for you to have to live like this. It is perfectly understandable that you no longer want to be married to him and dont want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this. Also consider that he may be happier without you long term (my XDH certainly is, although it took him a bit of time to accept this for himself).

While you are doing that start planning. Do some financial homework, look at what life would be life living apart, maybe get some legal advice. I can honestly attest that freedom and being happy are worth an awful lot more than a big house and holidays. Check out how children manage with divorced parents.

The ‘it’s not happening’ response from him is the first stage of ‘grief’ - denial. He’ll get over it and move on when he faces up to the inevitable.

Hello, I was quite like this in a past relationship. We had been together many years and although I initially thought he was attractive and funny, over time I found him stupid, childish, massively hard work as he seemed to lack common sense or any thinking of others. I was rude to him and embarrass and promised myself over and over again I would stop but never could. We did break up and I think it was best for everyone. X

I have sought advice before. I went to my local CAB office and they gave me a pile of leaflets. I couldn't really make head and tail of all the info to be honest (DC2 was also only a few months old at the time so I was knackered).

Would it be better to get legal advice from a solicitor? How do I go about getting my free half hour with them (or whatever it is)? I can't go on feeling this crazy all the time.

Here is a list of things DH does that I find irritating, I'd be interested if people think I over-react:
He fidgets constantly in bed and I sometimes wake up in a jolt when I'm asleep when he has suddenly pulled the sheet from under me.
He lacks self disclipline- bad eating habits, terrible sleeping habits, can't get anywhere on time.
He gets completely absorbed in whatever is going on in his life at the time and I come bottom of the pile.
He only sometimes thanks me when I cook a meal for him but has in the past complained about the lack of this or lack of that or that he would rather eat chilli with potatoes than rice etc.
He's really loud and I often remind him I'm standing right next to him and he doesn't need to shout.
He has no time to listen to my feelings or provides support emotionally when I'm down or struggling.
I feel there is an under-current attitude that other women juggle more than I do.
His hobby comes first, even if its a special occasion like our anniversary or my birthday.
He plans outings with his friends more than he plans outings with me.
He fails to write his commitments down on the family calender and will proclaim hes going somewhere and tell me frantically that he's told me about it.
I can't fault anything he does without him sulking.
His sings really loudly and repetitively.
Gets swept up in the moment and "forgets" the kids routines
Messy and disorganised
If I'm upset by something hes done will tell me I'm unreasonable and he disagrees. No sympathy.
Relies on his parents to fill in with childcare if I'm busy or at least gets them to help him.
Tells me I've no need to justify my self to him then makes me justify everything- particularly where money is concerned.
Great with DIY, but everything is unfinished.
Boring monotonous conversations about co-workers and neighbours at busy times like bestimes, mornings, but will then sit on his phone when we're alone together and go to bed at ridiculous-oclock.
Keeps absolutely everything then complains he has no storage.
Doesn't like doing housework and avoids at all costs then complains when I pay a cleaner to do it (I don't have time to do it all myself!) So obvious what he expects here.
Wears the same scruffy clothes day in day out, forgets to shave or get haircuts.

Quite a lot really.

Honestly, you are not unjustified in your irritability and, as i said upthread, the only person who can change him is him. Only he won't so long as he can keep pushing you to be the grown up in the relationship.

Your best bet is to find some family law solicitors in your area, find out as much as you can about them online and then give them a call to ask them how you would proceed with getting some initial advice.

Even if you are unsure whether you are experiencing domestic abuse, there's lots of good information here, relevant to anyone who needs to extricate themselves from a difficult relationship.
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

OP, I work for Citizens Advice, and I do think you need to see a solicitor. Your local Citizens advice might have a list of local solicitors and might know which offer a free initial consultation (we do).

You can of course divorce without a solicitor but when there are finances to consider it is important to get legal advice.

There is useful information and advice about divorce on the "Advice Now" website.

www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce

What do you mean he pulls the sheet from under you? Is he intentionally trying to wake you up horribly?
He sounds awful op. No wonder youre miserable and irritable all the time living with all that.

Theresacure, I was the same with light, noise, any discomfort. Open plan offices, well, couldn't do that! I developed full blown OCD symptoms, feared existential threats (war, pestilence etc, beyond the normal musings we all have).

He went, all that went too. Like within months, I realised I was a completely normal person again. It was stress, and I think my mind's attempt to funnel my adrenalin somewhere I could deal with it - even afunctionally. Also, a lot of these things were his "things" that he made me go along with until they affected me as well. Now I'm shot of him, I'm calm, and light, noise etc are all fine. I ENJOY my open plan office. Imagine that.

Absolutely not trying to wake me intentionally, but he thrashes so much in bed that he can pull the sheet from under me on my side of the bed! Every movement he makes is big and loud.

I thought he was calm and laid back when I first met him, but the reality has been much different. I think he's actually an anxious person who lets this out when he's at home.

Other people think hes absolutely lovely. My own friends think I'm imagining all of this... I question myself.

My DM has seen some of the things I'm taking about but refrains from getting involved or passing comments.