How to handle my husband

[Sendadvice]

I'm in need of some advice on how to handle my husband.

We have been married nearly 3 years (together 10) and have a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

The past 18 months he and my mother have had huge arguments. It was a dreadful falling out. Viscous, almost evil things were said. I was told to choose sides. I refused and my relationship with both parties has suffered as I refused to pick a side.

This thread is about my husband and how he treats me now. And it's pretty shit. I am always in the wrong, everything I do is wrong. I don't think things through, I forget things, I mess things up, I'm stupid, I cause him stress, I'm selfish, I spend too much time working (new business), I don't pay enough towards the house bills, I don't do enough with the children, the poor baby doesn't get enough stimulation, the house is dirty, he says nasty things, gets cross when I'm home slightly later (15-30 mins) than I had planned, asks if I'm cheating on him, checks my phone, bad mouths my mother constantly and the way she is a bad influence on our children, and the worst- he gives me silent treatment for days in end, sometimes weeks. He tells me I just need to apologise when I make these mistakes. I need to say sorry more.

The thing is, his father now has very recently been diagnosed with cancer. He has some very tough treatment ahead and we are all praying he pulls through. He's a lovely man.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My mum who I was very close to... Would probably just say "I told you so". I don't want to her thinking/realising that i should have 'chosen her side'.

He spends every evening playing computer games. He doesn't eat dinner with me and the boys. (He will help me bath and put them to bed, so that's one thing he is good at.)

On the rare occasion he comes downstairs, he changes the TV. Tells me my TV shows are crap and tacky. But will sit on his phone throughout the entire movie 'we' watch. After spending all nights on the computer or 'making the effort' and spending time to watc TV with me, he will expect sex. I just don't feel attracted to this behaviour. I often go along with it because I just want sleep, and I know if I don't comply, he will give me the silent treatment for a few days. (Leaving clothes and mess around the house is standard so I won't bore you with those bug bares...)

It had crossed my mind to leave, but financially and mentally I couldn't do it. I wouldn't know what to do/where to go/who to talk to. I have been earning a very low wage since having the babies. (Trying to set up a business which I have sunk all my savings in to).

My husband had turned nasty before his father was diagnosed with his cancer. But now, I don't know how to handle his behaviour. How much of his behaviour should I be letting slide? I can't be too harsh on him now, at this tough time.

But I'm utterly miserable. I'm verging on depression (which he doesn't believe in). I feel like I physically hurt inside

What would you do in my situation?

I'd be finding a way to get out, and keeping my mother close.

Honestly? I’d start planning my exit. He is treating you terribly and you’re allowing it. This means it will more than likely get worse. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your children?

There is only one real option (split up) as far as i can see op, but you are reluctant to do it.

You can suggest marriage counselling, because the current situation isn't sustainable...or I'd disengage and leave him.

Perhaps you need to realise that your DM was right about him all along.

He sounds nasty and your mental health will take a big hit, impacting on your DC.

There is no love here for you, don’t waste any more of your life on this man

I'm so sorry OP but he sounds like an emotionally abusive bully. There's no 'handling' this.

Reread your post. What would you advise a friend in this situation?

Think about the friends/family who could offer you some support. Often people can really come through in an emergency.

So sorry you are in this situation.

How long has he been like this?
You need to find a time when the kids are out of the house or in bed and talk to him. Tell him you need his support now and you're very unhappy. Leave it to sink in for a week. If he comes back to you or improves you know there is hope. If he continues to be a shot you need to think hard about leaving. He is probably very hurt you are not siding with him against his mother.
I have been married 10 years and fine it hard work. It seems the male ego is VERY delicate. My husband easily flies off the handle so discussing things with him is not easy. Sometimes they are quite irrational!
Do you have a friend you can call in the meantime?
Good luck xx

Sorry shot =shit!

Give Women’s Aid a call and talk to them. They give great guidance and may have options you haven’t thought of. He doesn’t sound very kind to you.

It sounds like he is under a lot of stress and not dealing well with it. Two little children, having to support the family almost solely, a dying fsther and a wife who won't sipport him whrn her mother interferes in the marriage.

I expect the latter is what h as really hurt him. You shouldn't pick sides but you should have told your mum to back out.

Sorry but this man isn't worth shit. If you don't leave now you will only leave in a few years when it becomes even worse so you need to start planning your exit now.
As for having sex with him. Don't reward bad behaviour with sex. Let him know he only gets any if he makes the effort.

I couldn't sleep with someone like that.

There’s no way to handle a husband like this. You’ll just become more and more miserable because of his selfish and manipulative behaviour.
He’s not going to change so you’ll just spend you’re whole life walking on eggshells, second guessing and trying to comply with his demands to try to keep the peace.
He won’t change.

Really, with a person like this there’s only one option which will be in you and dcs favour.
Can you stay with your mum for a bit until you can get yourself sorted out?
If you get on with your father in law, you can still visit him, if not then there’s nothing to concern yourself with

There's no evidence in the OP that her mother was interfering in the marriage, so that is an assumption by you.

Based on your description of his behaviour it is FAR more likely he is trying to isolate you from a supportive mother.

As a PP said there's no love here. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I left mine. I promise he will just get worse. Your poor mum must be so worried.

Leave. Leave leave leave. Honestly, your husband is a thoroughly nasty person and you should leave.

Please don't stay just because you don't want your mother to think you've chosen her side. That is false pride. You need to leave for you.

Similarly his dad having cancer is a red herring.

Your mum was right after all. It's not about you taking sides. He clearly doesn't have any respect for your mum and from your post, well, speaks for itself aye?

Read your post from an objective point of view. What would be the rational thing to do?

Op, womans aid may be helful if at some point you do want to leave.

I am so sorry that you are being abused.

Don’t let ANY of it slide.

Thank you for all your replies.

There isn't much I can do right now is there (aside from leaving. Which I just can't do to him/his family right now)

I feel trapped. I have to say.

Based on your description of his behaviour it is FAR more likely he is trying to isolate you from a supportive mother

This

I’ve been in this position. Don’t let pride stop you from going to your mother for help.

You say you can't put your H and his family through you leaving. Stop and think about what this abusive and toxic situation is doing to you and your children. You are being financially, emotionally and sexually abused, is that the example you want to set for your DC. We've no idea why your DM & H argued but perhaps she was right.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. I can't see any way to resolve this, except leave. As PPs have said, I would confide in your mum and ask her to help you leave him. Sounds as though she may have recognised him as an emotional abuser before you did.

Get advice (Women's Aid, solicitor, etc) and get everything organised before you tell him. Keep posting here - you'll get good advice from other women who have been through this. All the best to you

send you can put yourself first for your own mental health and absolutely leave.

His dad could be dying of cancer for years or even recover. If his dad dies then the excuse will be you can’t leave now because he is grieving.

There is never a good time to rip the plaster off.

My ex used the death of his close DGM to excuse his disgusting behaviour towards me. His family even told me ‘it’s because he is grieving’ - that’s after they found out he strangled me and smashed my Christmas tree to pieces.

I wasn’t ready to leave at that point though.

It sounds like your not. But the fact you are starting to questions things is good. It shows you know this isn’t right. It’s just getting to a point where your heart and head say the same thing.

Leaving my ex was the hardest thing I’ve ever done as I was actually co dependant on him. He was vile and I lost a lot of friends and family because of him.

Build bridges with your mum. She is your life line out of there. Even if it’s in secret. Tell her your thinking of leaving but will get there in your own time. Ask her to support you but not to judge or rush you. Do it in secret if need be.

Please read books on toxic relationships. Down load then on your phone. If you can see him in print in the books it will only validate what you are already starting to feel.

Good luck send - this really isn’t a easy position for you. But there is a better life if you want one

You can do it.
It is very sad that his father has cancer and if he was a good husband to you then the replies would be different.
He is cruel to you. He doesn’t care about you. He’s isolating you from people.
You actually don’t owe him anything.

You only have this life. Do what is the best for you and your dc.

“Based on your description of his behaviour it is FAR more likely he is trying to isolate you from a supportive mother“

Yes. My dd’s abuser did this. He damn nearly succeeded too.

OP- there will always be a reason why you can’t leave. Why leaving will be twisted into making you a bad person. Just think. Do you want your children growing up to think this is how relationships work? Because they will.