How to handle my husband

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I'm in need of some advice on how to handle my husband.

We have been married nearly 3 years (together 10) and have a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

The past 18 months he and my mother have had huge arguments. It was a dreadful falling out. Viscous, almost evil things were said. I was told to choose sides. I refused and my relationship with both parties has suffered as I refused to pick a side.

This thread is about my husband and how he treats me now. And it's pretty shit. I am always in the wrong, everything I do is wrong. I don't think things through, I forget things, I mess things up, I'm stupid, I cause him stress, I'm selfish, I spend too much time working (new business), I don't pay enough towards the house bills, I don't do enough with the children, the poor baby doesn't get enough stimulation, the house is dirty, he says nasty things, gets cross when I'm home slightly later (15-30 mins) than I had planned, asks if I'm cheating on him, checks my phone, bad mouths my mother constantly and the way she is a bad influence on our children, and the worst- he gives me silent treatment for days in end, sometimes weeks. He tells me I just need to apologise when I make these mistakes. I need to say sorry more.

The thing is, his father now has very recently been diagnosed with cancer. He has some very tough treatment ahead and we are all praying he pulls through. He's a lovely man.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My mum who I was very close to... Would probably just say "I told you so". I don't want to her thinking/realising that i should have 'chosen her side'.

He spends every evening playing computer games. He doesn't eat dinner with me and the boys. (He will help me bath and put them to bed, so that's one thing he is good at.)

On the rare occasion he comes downstairs, he changes the TV. Tells me my TV shows are crap and tacky. But will sit on his phone throughout the entire movie 'we' watch. After spending all nights on the computer or 'making the effort' and spending time to watc TV with me, he will expect sex. I just don't feel attracted to this behaviour. I often go along with it because I just want sleep, and I know if I don't comply, he will give me the silent treatment for a few days. (Leaving clothes and mess around the house is standard so I won't bore you with those bug bares...)

It had crossed my mind to leave, but financially and mentally I couldn't do it. I wouldn't know what to do/where to go/who to talk to. I have been earning a very low wage since having the babies. (Trying to set up a business which I have sunk all my savings in to).

My husband had turned nasty before his father was diagnosed with his cancer. But now, I don't know how to handle his behaviour. How much of his behaviour should I be letting slide? I can't be too harsh on him now, at this tough time.

But I'm utterly miserable. I'm verging on depression (which he doesn't believe in). I feel like I physically hurt inside

What would you do in my situation?

And have a look at The Freedom Programme online. It’s fantastic.

Have sent you a PM

I would definitely part company from your horrible husband at some point. It doesn't really matter what the underlying problem is with your mother, he still shouldn't treat you like it. If your mother is badly at fault in some way, I'd even consider at least going low contact with her too. If she is toxic I mean.

Why can’t you leave? He treats you like shit. His dad’s diagnosis is a red herring. He’s been shitty since before that.

I’d be building bridges with your mum, and making plans to leave. He won’t get any better, and he’s a terrible role model for your poor dc.

OP, can you give us an indication of what his issue with your dm was, and vice versa. Was it an argument over Brexit? Was it that your mum was overly interfering and telling him what to do? Was it that she was defending you? Perhaps they are as bad as each other or perhaps your mum has a point. It's hard to see without knowing more detail.

Yes, you can do that to him and his family. He is abusive. His father being ill is making his abuse worse. That is precisely why you should leave while his father is ill.

You won't be as broke as you think. Go see a solicitor. You don't have to follow up until you are ready. Just find out the facts.

Don't keep your children in such a toxic environment.

I have taken the children and gone to stay at my parents house. Parents are not here but they know I am here.

I need some time away from my home. There is so much tension at home. It doesn't feel restful at all.

I'm not sure what my plan is but I have work during the week so I will have to go home in a couple of days.

Husband knows I am upset. He didn't want me to leave without a proper goodbye. Maybe he realises this is serious now. Hopefully he does.

Good for you.
Make him realise it is serious. Tell him what you need from him, which probably isn’t much.
Just to be in the same team, some mental and physical support.
Tell him to book some counselling.

He may change for a while but it’s very rare for the changes to remain. He will most likely slip back into his normal angry and bullying nature.
Still make plans to leave.

You've taken the first step 😁

He is likely to realise the he's about to lose his whipping boy and house slave. He will start making promises about changing his ways and will promise you the moon on a stick if you will only move back in.

Once he has you back in his control he will go back to his old ways but making sure it's a lot harder to leave him next time round.

You need to print off your opening post and stick it up on the wall. Keep reading it to remind yourself of what you don't want to go back to. He has treated you like that for a considerable period of time already. He isn't going to change in the long term. Please don't give him the opportunity to prove that.

It's clear that he wants to isolate you from anyone who will support you. That's because he wants the messages designed to destroy our self esteem to be the only messages you hear. It works and people begin to believe that the abuse is their own fault and they don't deserve any better. Again, please don't give him the opportunity to prove that.

He will make everything about him and tell you that you are hurting him by not prioritising his feelings over your own. He has deliberately hurt you in numerous ways repeatedly for years. You are not responsible for making him feel loved or validated, even if he is facing an upcoming bereavement.

If you go back, your children will see being in an abusive relationship as normal and they will also be abused by him in one way or another, either by involving them in the abuse of you or abusing them in a similar manner. Probably a combination of the two.

Please contact Women's Aid or log onto the online Freedom programme. You need someone to help you to stop minimising the abuse you have experienced and put your experiences into perspective.

When he realises you aren't going back is the time he is most likely to become aggressive or threaten suicide. Stand your ground. They are both designed to force you to return to be abused further.

Keep posting for support here too, especially if you start to doubt yourself.

Please don't go back, ever.

As sure as you go back he’ll start isolating you again, then suggest another baby. That way it’s going to be even harder for you to leave again. He’s a nasty abusive fucker and you need to stay away for the sake of your children. What an awful life they would lead, seeing their mother being treated like this.

Couldn’t have said it any better than @S1naidSucks please don’t go back

If you have to ask for advice on 'handling' a husband then the only thing you should be doing is leaving him.

Read what goldmandra said. Then read it again. X

If you think your mom will say "I told you so...", why not first say to her "Mom you were right, I'm sorry and I need your help" and see how things lie?

Can I just say well done to you. It takes massive strength to leave.

I don't know what to say from here but I know the answer lies in building yourself up, taking care of yourself, eat well, get your rest and do not rush back.

Someone on her suggested that I should print my OP and stick it on the wall.

Maybe I should show him this whole thread?

No!! Do not show him.

He will use that as another stick to beat you with,

No!

That's you thinking the problem is him not understanding how all this makes you feel. If you could make him understand then he'd stop.

Nobody on earth would think his behaviour is OK. You've been visibly upset many times. He knows. He just doesn't care. He wants to behave like that because it helps him feel better when he feels bad. It hurting you doesn't matter at all to him. Not one bit.

Do not go back!!!! Do you think your husband is sat there worrying how to handle you? He is a selfish arse. Stay with your parents, tell them exactly what he is doing and let them help you. Its sad about his dad but no reason for you and the kids to be ignored and abused.

Show who what? He's becoming part of your past. Don't invest time in educating him.

I tried for years to understand my abusive stbxh. I still try to if I'm honest.

Womens Aid explained to me that they keep you unbalanced. He knows he's pushed you too far. Hell back off. For a bit.

They NEVER change.

If you go back you either accept his regime until you die. Or you leave again one day. And it will be more awful and you'll be more broken. And so will your family.

I was unhappy In my marriage, 2 kids aged 9&7, he earns 3x what I do, I knew that I did it want to be feeling the same way at 60/70/80 years old, so I left.
We are skint, but we are happy! We laugh we enjoy our days we are just happy, i obv have money for rent food and bills and some treats but not as much disposable income as before, but it doesn't matter, I wake up happier, the kids wake up happier, they still see dad but we are fundamentally happier living without him!
you need to focus on this, do you want to be on your death bed thinking that you wishes you had enjoyed your life more? I think you would be laid dying wishing that you had enjoyed your life!
So do it, it's hard, but it's worth it

Yes. What pp said. You weren't put on Earth for him to treat you like shit.

Controlling, abusive. Stay at your parents.

Start saving. Little and often. Make a plan. Not saying next week or next month but in the near future. What's the harm? Either things will get better and all hunky dory or it will still be shit but you'll be in a better position emotionally, and financially. In the mean time though you have a roof over your head and the boys too. Try stick it out and again save save save!! Plan B needs to come into action.