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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you find this behaviour annoying/upsetting/helpful?

56 replies

Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:01

I am a SAHM. My DH travels a lot with work. I do 90% of house, kid and family stuff about 90% of the time and for many reasons at the moment I am tired and fed up.
I had a very busy few days involving doing lots of things for other people. DH was working away for a couple of days and came home tonight.
When he came in he dropped his bag and literally the next thing he did was to start clearing up our dinner plates that I had left on the side.
It infuriates me. He's done it before and I've asked him not to. It makes me feel criticized, as in the first thing he thought was that the kitchen wasn't tidied when it should have been. He doesn't see my point at all.
I feel like I should be able to eat the meal I have cooked on a Saturday night and sit down and relax for a while before tidying up, if I want to.
He says he doesn't intend it as a criticism but it's the fact that it is the first thing he does that riles me.
When I read it back it sounds petty, maybe he is trying to be helpful but I've told him how it makes me feel and he did it again tonight.
I wouldn't sit here expecting him to tidy up after a meal he hadn't even been here for.
And I'd quite like him to say hello and maybe ask how i am first.

OP posts:
TheMightyToosh · 24/03/2019 00:08

It's the old thing of it's not what you that gets noticed, it's what you don't do. That's why it infuriates you I guess, he can't see the hours of work you've put in, but spots those plates immediately.

Maybe he thinks he needs to help as soon as he gets back, and that's all he can see to do.

You've asked him not to, but have you explained why? How it makes you feel? You need to talk to him Thanks

TheMightyToosh · 24/03/2019 00:08

not what you do*

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:13

Thanks for replying.
I have told him it feels like a criticism but not sure he really took it on board.
It's seems silly to be complaining that he tried to help me. I'm not sure he really does mean to help though because when it's happened before I've always taken over and done it because he's had a long day and i wouldn't leave him to tidy up after a meal he didn't cook or eat.

OP posts:
Notthatsimple · 24/03/2019 00:15

My OH does this!! I work from home and i’ll often be working right up to the point that he walks in the door. I’ll go to say hello and he’ll immediately commence some housework while talking to me. Like making a point that I haven’t done it. I’ve so far kept a lid on how much it annoys me.

BrusselPout · 24/03/2019 00:17

🤦‍♀️, yet if he came in and and sat down he would be one of those ' my DH doesn't do anything' complaints. Why are you seeing it as a criticism? Has he said anything or just got in with a job that needs doing??

Toomuchworking · 24/03/2019 00:21

Do you think he's being passive aggressive? Maybe the reason he immediately tidies is that he does really appreciate how much you do and wants to help while you relax. Or if he's just a tidy person and genuinely is happy to do it I think you really need to let go of your interpretation and just take it for what it is.

Singlenotsingle · 24/03/2019 00:21

Has he got a little touch of OCD?

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:22

It wouldn't be one of 'those complaints' though because as I've already said I wouldn't expect him to clear up after a meal that he had no part of.
I'm seeing it as a criticism because it feels like one, as in the kitchen so badly needs to be tidied that he doesn't have time to sit down and say hello, or offer me a cup of tea or say 'how are things here?'.

OP posts:
Fevertree · 24/03/2019 00:23

Oh god my husband does this. It drives me mad! It is such a passive aggressive statement about what I haven't done that day

IncrediblySadToo · 24/03/2019 00:26

It would piss me off too. It’s a barely veiled criticism AND implies a couple of dirty plates are more important than seeing you.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/03/2019 00:29

Maybe he feels more comfortable with it done and really doesn’t mind doing it? Maybe he doesn’t see why you should be doing it?

If you know he doesn’t mean it as criticism then I don’t see what the problem is in actuality but it’s just handling your own perception of it iyswim.

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:39

He probably does feel more comfortable with it done but I've asked him not to go about it this way, and explained why, yet he did the same thing again tonight.
I'd be so much happier if he stuck the kettle on first, or sat down with us for a few minutes.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 24/03/2019 00:41

Has he got a little touch of OCD?

Hmm

He’s washing dishes! Christ alive. OCD indeed.

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:50

No trouble with OCD that I've noticed!

When I think about it calmly my rational brain can see that his problem-solving brain sees something he can do, so he does it.

I need to get him to understand that even a few minutes of adult attention from him after several days at home on duty is far more beneficial to me that 10 minutes of housework I have no problem doing myself.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 24/03/2019 00:51

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel like that but why is your comfort level more important than his if he’s not doing it at you and he doesn’t mind doing it? Maybe he prefers to do it then he can properly relax?

Either way you don’t have to do the dishes... it’s your own insecurities vs possibly his way of doing things.

Or do you feel like he’s missing out on time with you all by doing it first? Does he lose much time with you all by doing it?

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 00:59

Good questions!

There is definitely a slightly exasperated vibe when he does it which leads me to believe he is bothered by it, that then makes me feel a little guilty that I didn't have it done. It's a chain reaction. He's exasperated, I'm feeling guilty which leads me to feel annoyed which makes him defensive.
Where as if he came in and sat down i'd be more relaxed, he could take it easy and I'd sort the kitchen in my own time and everything would be fine. (In a perfect world 😀)

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 24/03/2019 01:10

I wish my DH would come in and clear up the kitchen without being asked!

Original poster
Pinkkahori · 24/03/2019 01:12

Even if he'd been away for 3 or 4 days and that was literally his first action after dropping his bag on the floor?

OP posts:
dollius · 24/03/2019 01:15

Oh, I totally get this. My DH was working overseas six weeks out of eight for 18 months up until two weeks ago.

He used to come home and immediately start scrubbing the kitchen as if it was a dirty hovel. Also whipping up luxury cooked breakfasts etc every day he was home, which made me look bad when I shoved Weetabix at the kids during weeks he was away.

I think he was just trying to be helpful, as he felt guilty being away so much and wanted to give me a break. But I did feel criticised!

Frenchmontana · 24/03/2019 01:25

But the intention isnt to criticise, if you feel that way, that's on you.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 24/03/2019 02:24

It's one of those "he's dammed if he does and dammed if he doesn't " ones isn't it. What ever he did or didn't do wouldn't be right. So try not to stress about it, and try to see it in a positive way - even if it wasn't meant that way. Any help is useful.

Monty27 · 24/03/2019 04:09

Maybe he's just trying to help?
It's nice to dish out food in a tidy kitchen Hmm

wafflyversatile · 24/03/2019 04:20

I find it much easier to do jobs as soon as I get in. It is much harder once I've sat down. Do the job then relax. I doubt it's about you. Just how he is.

DontFuckingSayIt · 24/03/2019 04:51

Oh dear, I think I do this! I don't work away but I work quite long hours and, if I come in and something hasn't been done, I'll have to do it immediately because (as a previous poster said) once I've sat down, it becomes a much bigger ballache to get up and start cleaning. Sometimes its something that I'd hoped DP might have done, so there might be an air of pissed-offness about me on occasion. Usually its nothing at all to do with DP and just that I don't really enjoy walking home after a 12 hour shift just to immediately start washing pots and cleaning animals out etc, but doing it straight away is better than having to do it once I've got in, put DCs to bed, had a shower and generally switched to "chilling out". The goal is just to get it done and out of the way so that everybody can relax, and I'm in a much better mood when everything's done.

fancynancyclancy · 24/03/2019 05:01

DH does this although he doesn’t work away & it’s not every evening as I work p/t. It doesn’t bother me at all, it makes him feel more comfortable to do it so I just let him get on with it. Yes I’m sure it bothers him & he may wish he didn’t have to come home to it but who cares, I certainly don’t. He does plenty to annoy me but in the grand scheme they are all small things. Everyone likes certain things done in a certain way so we just try to work to our strengths.