Would you find this behaviour annoying/upsetting/helpful?

[Pinkkahori]

I am a SAHM. My DH travels a lot with work. I do 90% of house, kid and family stuff about 90% of the time and for many reasons at the moment I am tired and fed up.
I had a very busy few days involving doing lots of things for other people. DH was working away for a couple of days and came home tonight.
When he came in he dropped his bag and literally the next thing he did was to start clearing up our dinner plates that I had left on the side.
It infuriates me. He's done it before and I've asked him not to. It makes me feel criticized, as in the first thing he thought was that the kitchen wasn't tidied when it should have been. He doesn't see my point at all.
I feel like I should be able to eat the meal I have cooked on a Saturday night and sit down and relax for a while before tidying up, if I want to.
He says he doesn't intend it as a criticism but it's the fact that it is the first thing he does that riles me.
When I read it back it sounds petty, maybe he is trying to be helpful but I've told him how it makes me feel and he did it again tonight.
I wouldn't sit here expecting him to tidy up after a meal he hadn't even been here for.
And I'd quite like him to say hello and maybe ask how i am first.

It does seem passive-aggressive, but I personally can't relax in a messy environment. So I'd rather sort that first, and then chill.

It's the not even saying hello first that would piss me right off.

He literally doesn't say "hello" before doing this?

Maybe he finds it relaxing. I know when I’m wound up, I will do the washing up or other housework.

My DH does this.
He will walk in the door, and whatever needs doing, he will have to do it straight away. Apparently, if he leaves it to sit down, he says he doesn’t feel fully relaxed and knows it needs doing later but he won’t get up.
Whereas I would rather have a rest, cup of tea and do any jobs throughout the evening.

It doesn’t bother me though. I know now it’s not a criticism - it’s his personality and preference. I don’t think you should take it to heart.

Does he leap up to do the dishes as soon as you have finished eating normally?

He literally didn't say hello first - walked in to the kitchen/living area. Put down bag. He'd been away for a couple of days. Dc and i were sitting in the livingroom area of open plan kitchen/livingroom. Picks up plate and begins scraping off leftovers.
It was 9pm. He had eaten on the journey home so it wasn't a case of serving food in a tidy environment.
He doesn't find housework relaxing and no, he doesn't leap up to clear straight after we've eaten.

I don't think the plates are the issue. I think it would be fine if he said "hello NAME, how are you doing? Gosh traffic was bad. Hope THING went okay yesterday" whilst tidying up. Ie a bit of chit chat. Tidy up. Come over for a quick peck and then carry on.

It's not hard to talk at the same time as tidying a few dishes.

The fact he is doing is silently does come across as passive aggressive.

Did you say anything to him whilst he did it or after? Did he ignore you?

My dh has done something similar. He came home from a week in Far East, I was on my way home from work and picking up dc from after school club. We walked in the door and he was on his hands and knees hoovering the stairs! I took it as a criticism that he thought I couldn't keep the house clean, whilst working full time, looking after dc and ddog!
I said this to him and he said he was being helpful. I said what would have been more helpful was to walk the dog (who hadn't been out since the dog walker dropped him back 3-4 hours ago) or check the fridge to see who's there was the tea! He hasn't done it again but this kind of condescending behaviour ruins that moment of being happy to see him after his trip.

My husband does this. I use to get angry about it. Now I deliberately leave stuff for him to do! Think it's just his way of destressing from his day.

Personally I think you need to take a step back. If my husband came home and started clearing I'd be fucking delighted.

If you can not comment and just let him fill his boots, then you will both be better off.

It's maybe a displacement activity. He wants sone quiet tine when he gets in rather than a full on debrief of his trip and your tine.
I get it when I get home from work and other half had been home all
Day. He hasn't had anyone to chat to so wants to chat chat chat whilst I want a quiet 30 mins to chill and catch up with tv/internet.

I think he's doing it to make a point (passive aggressively). My ex used to do it too. The best way to deal with it is to ignore it completely, and let him get on with it. Difficult I know, but try it, he will be annoyed that you haven't noticed

I think it's not the same scenario as someone coming in from a day's work and getting stuck in. When he's here he helps out and i have no issues with that at all.
It's the fact that he's been away and his immediate focus is what's not done.
On some level I feel like maybe I'm bring 'trained' because I know when he goes away again I'll be sure to have it done before he gets in, not because he'll be angry or say anything but because I don't like how it makes me feel.
And it's not a damned if he does, damned if he doesn't situation because I am never, ever going to complain that someone who has just got in from a long journey didn't wash dishes from a meal they hadn't eaten. I appreciate that people here don't know me but believe me, I had zero expectation or desire for him to sort the kitchen.

I would concentrate on talking about not greeting you and the kids then.

Maybe he finds it relaxing. I know when I’m wound up, I will do the washing up or other housework.

This ^^
I wind down at the weekend by doing housework - it's a million miles away from my job and I really enjoy it.

I don’t enjoy housework but I find it aids as a distraction.

The thing that’s missing from all of your pats OP is that you haven’t actually told him explicitly how this makes you feel? Unless I’ve missed that bit!

My dad does this and it is extremelyyyy annoying

I do this, in no way is it passive aggressive. It needs dou g and DW has had the kids since end of school. Mot sure if it upsets her, but I prefer a tidy environment and that's just the way I am. As PP have said, it needs doing, it destresses me, its a displacement activity and someone has to do it at some point!

For the people who say they do this can i ask? Have you genuinely come home after being away for 72+ hours, walked into a room where your family are and started immediately doing household stuff without as much as a 'hello' or 'how have you been' or a hug for the kids?

Or do you mean that after a day's work you sometimes come in and start prepping a meal/clearing up for a meal which you will then be eating?
Because in my mind they are two very different scenarios, one which is a normal part of family life and one which isn't.

Maybe make the point by suggesting that he calls you ten minutes before he arrives, and you can then ensure the kitchen is completely clear of any unnecessary clutter,

Oh, I do this and it really annoys my DH! I'm a neat-freak, and I can't relax until everything is done. I don't see it as a criticism of him at all, in fact it says more about me than it does about him but like you, he feels offended by it and I can understand why. I really have to try to sit on my hands and stop with the 'doing everything immediately' but it is an effort and it's taken me a while to realise what I'm doing and why it upsets him. In my case there are reasons for it (an inbuilt need for order and control thanks to growing up with an alcoholic mum). Perhaps there is something like that behind what your DH is doing? All I would say is, talk to him about it later. Let him clear up, and when you are both sitting down later on bring it up and explain that you'd like to just sit down and have a cuppa with him when he gets home as you've missed him. x

I should add though that not even saying hello isn't right. I'd never do that, the first thing we do when we get home is have a kiss/hug and the kids come running.

DP does this, he is ridiculously tidy and can't stand anything out of place, but I have trained him to at least say hello to us and do the "pleased to see you" dance before he gets started. I have trained myself not to get too pissed off about it, as it's not DP's fault that my ExH used to do the whole PA cleaning thing as a form of attack. We've discussed it at length and it's genuinely not his intention to piss me off, he just doesn't like coats and shoes strewn all over the floor.

OP, not even saying hello to his wife and kids first when he's not seen you for a couple of days is really not OK, IMO.

DH is over-conscientious about housework - not as good as it sounds! - and finds it psychologically very difficult to leave jobs he considers needs doing, even for a few hours. But he would definitely greet the DC and me! And it would not be a criticism of my housekeeping. I just let him get on with it!