Would you find this behaviour annoying/upsetting/helpful?

[Pinkkahori]

I am a SAHM. My DH travels a lot with work. I do 90% of house, kid and family stuff about 90% of the time and for many reasons at the moment I am tired and fed up.
I had a very busy few days involving doing lots of things for other people. DH was working away for a couple of days and came home tonight.
When he came in he dropped his bag and literally the next thing he did was to start clearing up our dinner plates that I had left on the side.
It infuriates me. He's done it before and I've asked him not to. It makes me feel criticized, as in the first thing he thought was that the kitchen wasn't tidied when it should have been. He doesn't see my point at all.
I feel like I should be able to eat the meal I have cooked on a Saturday night and sit down and relax for a while before tidying up, if I want to.
He says he doesn't intend it as a criticism but it's the fact that it is the first thing he does that riles me.
When I read it back it sounds petty, maybe he is trying to be helpful but I've told him how it makes me feel and he did it again tonight.
I wouldn't sit here expecting him to tidy up after a meal he hadn't even been here for.
And I'd quite like him to say hello and maybe ask how i am first.

How about if, rather than saying how you feel, you ask in as non-accusing a way as possible if he does it because he's not happy with the standard of cleanliness, or because it looks messy to him when he walks in? Make it about working out why he does it, rather than your reaction. If he then claims not to find it messy, you can breathe a loud sigh of relief and say "Phew, I was starting to think I needed to work harder!" If he's actively denied that he wants it cleaner, he can hardly huff and puff as he cleans up after that, can he? And if he says he does find it messy then you can prepare for an adult conversation about who does the housework to whose standards.

Does he stay in hotels when he's away? They are always super-neat because there's nothing that could possibly be lying about. If you get used to that, normal levels of neatness can look messy.

(The first time my MIL visited after her gd was born, she came in with a mop and bucket, changed into "cleaning clothes" and started mopping the floor that I'd obviously just cleaned to "MIL visit" standards. She was definitely just trying to help, but aaaargh.)

It does sound passive aggressive. Just ignore him and leave a big pile of dishes for him every time.

Yes, disagree that he shouldn’t clear dishes when he didn’t consume a meal - it’s jusy contributing to domestic work. You cooking and covering almost all the domestic work, and parenting when he’s away, facilitates his workin hours, travel etc.

I think there are two slightly different issues here:

1. he doesn't greet you when he comes in from a few days away.
2. There is a perception by you, rightly or wrongly, that he is judging you for your housekeeping abilities

1 is absolutely unacceptable and needs to be stamped on sharpish. Not just for yourself, but for the DC. what message does that send them that their dad isn't interested in saying hello he hasn't seen them in days? Some of my happiest memories are of the excitement my siblings, me and our various pets greeted dad on his return from business trips and the huge hugs, kisses, tickles etc we were all treated to as soon as he came through the door. It doesn't matter how stressed or tired he is. If necessary, he should stop at a coffee shop on way home to decompress for 20 minutes so that when he comes through the door he is prepared to engage with his family.

1. is more complicated. If he is truly disapproving or its just your imagine, either way, it's hard to manage. DH does do this sometimes, but I've learnt to just say, "I was going to do that when I've finished my tea." and then leave it to him if necessary. It's not my problem that he wants to leap around getting things done. sometimes, I might then remind him what I have done. To be fair, this hasn't happened in terms of the exasperation for years because there WERE big fights where he'd be huffing and puffing and I'd respond by storming in and pointing out that I'd been doing x and y and z and quite frankly, if I wanted to take 20 minute to drink a cup of tea I bloody well would. Ditto, he has annoying habit of not filling the dishwasher before he goes to bed so that I come down to see mugs and bowls from his evening post me going to bed. It used to annoy me but then I realised he WOULD load them, just a bit later the following morning so if I want the kitchen tidy when I am making kids lunches, I have to just put them away. So I do. Without huffing and puffing.

Just to be absoliutely clear, he walks in the door, and strides over to the kitchen without a word or even a look at you, and starts the dishes?

Does he take his coat off, go to the loo etc, still without uttering a word, then go to do the dishes still completely silent?

At what point does he say his first word? Just trying to get a picture of a very strange situation.