Husband reads my messages

[Fizzypop2]

So my husband can be a lovely lovely man, supportive, kind, wonderful dad etc etc. But sometimes he can be awful... I’m a sahm and I constantly get accused of being lazy/doing nothing all day etc. He is an angry/aggressive man by nature, just the way he is, compared to me who is placid and won’t say boo to a goose. Sometimes he gets very angry and ‘dark’. As you can imagine this is hard to live with, and although he has his many many good qualities, sometimes I need an outlet.. sometimes I need to talk to my girlfriends about his behaviour. However, he reads my phone.. he reads every message to every friend or acquaintance. I’m careful not to leave my phone where he can access it, but I know he reads it when I’m asleep, or any chance he gets really... if he stumbles across any messages where I’ve talked to someone about his behaviour, he goes nuts. Telling me I’m not respecting him by “slutting him off to everyone”. If he’s discovered I’ve talked to someone he knows, told them what he’s said/done he gets angry because I’ve “slutted him off and made him look bad so that I look better”. If he’s discovered I’ve talked to someone he doesn’t know then I’m “slutting him off to people he doesn’t even know”.

I don’t know what to do. He says I’m wrong to talk to people about him (he says it’s only to make me look better), but not talking to anyone would just, I don’t know, contain the situation...I guess I feel I need to reach outside the marriage sometimes, or I’ll get lost in what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Am I so bad to talk to friends about bad times? I thought that’s what all girlfriends did?

He is not a lovely man.

Why don't you password your phone so that he can't read your messages? What he is doing is controlling and an invasion of your privacy. Ask yourself: are you afraid of passwording your phone and stopping him from reading your private stuff? Because if you are, you have a real problem.

Reading your post gave me chills, by the way. A loving husband should not call his wife lazy. A loving husband should not ever be aggressive. The only acceptable level of aggressive, controlling behaviour in a marriage is none.

Ask yourself if you had a daughter - would you feel happy for her to be in the relationship you are in?

Your husband is a controlling bastard.
He gets 'dark' does he? I'll bet.
He 'goes nuts'
He is angry/aggressive by nature? Is he? Is he angry and aggressive with his boss, or with men who are bigger than him? Thought not.
His behaviour is entirely unacceptable. If it is as you say, you are living in fear.

Don't be so daft as to leave a record of anything you have said or thought about him. Start getting organised ready to make your escape.

This is not the behaviour of a 'lovely man' he sounds like a bully.

You are already lost as to what is acceptable because everything you've told us about him is dreadful. Keep talking to others or you'll lose touch with reality entirely.

He sounds bloody awful.

Do you feel safe, posting here?

He is not a lovely man.
He's a controlling, abusive bully.

Surely you don't need outsiders to confirm that this type of behaviour is abnormal and completely unacceptable?

Dark and angry don't coexist with lovely the same as supportive doesn't coexist with wanting you silent and calling you lazy.

If your friends are decent people they will be telling you to run for the hills.

The thing is his ‘dark side’ is maybe 25% of him... I don’t know. He convinces me I’m in the wrong... but I wonder if maybe I am? I mean he does wonderful things, he’s 75% perfect... I should be appreciative... maybe I should respect him and not talk to friends about him? But I’m scared that if I do that then I’ll lose sight of what’s ok?

I’ll get lost in what’s acceptable and what’s not.

That’s the point. That’s what he wants you to do.

And he’s already managed it. Because while you’re asking if it’s ok for you to talk to friends, you’re not asking if it’s ok for him to read all your messages. Nice people don’t do that. Normal people don’t do that. In nice, normal, loving and respectful relationships this kind of behaviour just doesn’t happen.

Keep talking to your friends. Tell them everything. And listen to what they say.

No, I’m terrified he will see this and know it’s me. My heart is pounding in my chest!

First off, lock your phone so he can't snoop when he likes.

Secondly, he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. Calling you names and getting angry/aggressive are not good things. Imagine if a sister or daughter or best friend of yours had a partner like him: would you be happy for them to stay in the relationship?

What would he do if you password protected your phone. Are you frightened he’d hurt you? Shout at you?

He sounds controlling and abusive. Many abusers are charming and lovely some of the time, it’s one of the ways they stop you escaping from their control. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life (in person) who can support you? Can you contact Women’s Aid? It’s hard and frightening but you need to think how to leave him, OP.

Abusers aren't abusive all the time, otherwise they'd never get into relationships or be able to stay in them. It's the nice-nasty cycle that keeps you hooked, the 'what it could be' vs the 'what it is'.

What he's doing is abusive. He's trying to isolate you. Being "dark and angry" and telling you how useless you are, are abusive behaviours. That he chooses. Every time he does it, it's a choice.

Use incognito browsing.

Speak to Women's Aid.

25% is pretty much 2 days a week of him being an utter twat. It's not even like you're secong guessing because he was needlessly sharp with you, this morning and he behaved in a solar manner just after Christmas. It's a near constant campaign to keep you in your place.

Also, “slutting” him off? That’s a new one to me! Is that how he describes it. Or is it a regional variation of “slagging” him off?

I’m not trying to correct you here, I’m more thinking about whether it’s identifable if he were to read this.

Can’t you put a password on your phone?

The percentage shitbag/percentage good thing comes up a lot on here. Your partner should be 0% abusive to you. The analogy used a lot is would you eat a meal that was 75% delicious but has 25% faeces stirred in?

No partner is 100% perfect but the irritants should be, like, "leaves wet towels on the bed", not "reads all my communications so I'm isolated and can't let my friends know that he's a dark, angry, aggressive man who criticises me."

He's not a lovely, lovely man. At all. A lovely man would never behave like this for even a second, let alone 25% of the time. He's a controlling, dangerous abuser. Put a lock on your phone now. Then speak to Woman's Aid and get advice.

He's not a lovely man who sometimes goes dark. He's a nasty abusive cunt who goes all sweetness and light when he needs to reel you back in.

75% perfect? Set higher standards for yourself. Do you know how many planes would be falling out the sky if the airlines were allowed a 75% safety record?

If he convinces you that you're in the wrong he's not a lovely man.
And if you're terrified he'll realise that this is you posting then there is something very wrong with your relationship

Password your phone and don't tell him the password. If he asks to see your phone you ask to see his. He sounds abusive. You can talk to anyone you like about your issues, that's not his choice. Please stand up for yourself, you don't owe him anything.