Husband reads my messages

[Fizzypop2]

So my husband can be a lovely lovely man, supportive, kind, wonderful dad etc etc. But sometimes he can be awful... I’m a sahm and I constantly get accused of being lazy/doing nothing all day etc. He is an angry/aggressive man by nature, just the way he is, compared to me who is placid and won’t say boo to a goose. Sometimes he gets very angry and ‘dark’. As you can imagine this is hard to live with, and although he has his many many good qualities, sometimes I need an outlet.. sometimes I need to talk to my girlfriends about his behaviour. However, he reads my phone.. he reads every message to every friend or acquaintance. I’m careful not to leave my phone where he can access it, but I know he reads it when I’m asleep, or any chance he gets really... if he stumbles across any messages where I’ve talked to someone about his behaviour, he goes nuts. Telling me I’m not respecting him by “slutting him off to everyone”. If he’s discovered I’ve talked to someone he knows, told them what he’s said/done he gets angry because I’ve “slutted him off and made him look bad so that I look better”. If he’s discovered I’ve talked to someone he doesn’t know then I’m “slutting him off to people he doesn’t even know”.

I don’t know what to do. He says I’m wrong to talk to people about him (he says it’s only to make me look better), but not talking to anyone would just, I don’t know, contain the situation...I guess I feel I need to reach outside the marriage sometimes, or I’ll get lost in what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Am I so bad to talk to friends about bad times? I thought that’s what all girlfriends did?

Sandy, she's not "bad mouthing him to all and sundry". She wants to have private conversations with friends about her husband's abusive behaviour, FFS!

It's not helping the situation though is it?

Accepting that he's as bad as she says, talking about it to all her friends and leaving the evidence doesn't solve anything.

I have to wonder , given the fact that you know he has access to your phone and reads your messages, what's your thought process when you complain about him to your friends. It's far from wise and you need to get smarter about it.

It's good to tell others, who would hopefully back you up if you report his abuse, but they can do that without your written word.

What proactive steps have you taken, because telling your friends is not going to change your situation.

If a woman came here and said her DH complained about her (for whatever reason) to his friends...the responses would be very different. It would be called disrespectful and the rest.

There are two issues... the things he's doing and you telling all your friends about it.

Involving numerous third parties in your marital issues isn't sensible and the more people you tell, the more people you have to judge you for staying in a relationship that you constantly complain about.

When you and he are happy and those friends snub him, you won't like it. So tread with caution.

Sometimes he is absolutely vile, shockingly so

Then you need to address this. I understand you may need support, but so far you telling people isn't addressing the real issue.

What consequences does he face for this vile behaviour? Because if you carry on as normal, it's like accepting he can treat you this way.

In life, you can't control another person's behaviour, only your response to it. Remember Einstein's definition of insanity... and realise nothing will change unless you make a change.

The reading of your messages, is a smokescreen for the actual issue, which is his treatment towards you.

I didn’t know he reads my messages, until he starts reeling them all off to me. Even conversations I’ve had with my mum. Or off hand comments I’ve made to friends about nothing in particular. I don’t even remember saying them, nothing that even involves him, or anyone really.. but he will pick up on it and quiz me about it. I then get flustered because I don’t remember what he’s talking about.

His behaviour comes up from time to time, I know it’s not ok, but it will always come back to me. Usually my weight, the way I look, my lack of make up. My mother was the same, so I guess I don’t trust my own judgement that it’s ok to be treated like this.. to be walking on egg shells and feel unsafe, emotionally, sometimes physically. I need to trust myself and keep it private. Get stronger. 💪🏽

There are two issues... the things he's doing and you telling all your friends about it.
No, there is one issue and that's his abuse.

Involving numerous third parties in your marital issues isn't sensible
Are you from the 1950s? Domestic abuse was long thought to be a private matter between husband and wife, just like there was no such thing as marital rape or coercive control. Women couldn't seek help from outside third parties, police turned a blind eye, it was no one's business, etc.

What the OP is talking about isn't "marital issues", this isn't bitching to pals about him leaving the loo seat up. It's a controlling husband with an anger problem – she has every right and need to seek support in order to get the help she needs to get the hell out.

Fizzypop2 You are not the bad one. It's incredibly hard to trust your own judgment when you're being controlled. You have every right to speak to your friends and to have privacy with regards to your texts. One thing I would say is to wipe your browser history/delete cookies, etc, so you can keep this thread private from your DH.

It's not normal to be this cowed by your partner. You actually sound terrified of him.

Even in the best of relationships people need to offload to friends about their partners on occasions. However this is not the best of relationships, by any stretch of the imagination. Have you put a lock on your phone now? Use a number that he won't be able to guess. Then start planning how you are going to get out of this relationship.

Have you thought about going to see a counsellor who specialises in abuse? Just you. Don’t tell him. Find an hour each week to go speak to somebody. A professional. That will give you a private and safe outlet.

I have been to see someone in the past. But then I thought maybe I was being silly.. it’s not bad all the time. He’s being lovely now for example, but if I don’t respond with gratitude he will become angry again. Says if I want someone kind and gentle all the time then I should be with a woman.

Leaving is an issue because I have two children and am very close to having another. (It always gets particularly bad when I’m pregnant). Where would we even go? I don’t have access to money, like none. I couldn’t even take us to a hotel for a few nights. My family live a long way away and my children have their school. Maybe in the holidays we can go for a bit.. but I’m so close to giving birth what would I even do?

He doesn’t seem to care about the conversations I’ve had with friends about our OHs being untidy, for example, but if I tell anyone about something he’s done (calling me a fat lazy cunt, yelling at me because he can’t find something, accusing me of lying, him cheating etc), then he is very worried about how that makes him look... wont talk about his behaviour because it’s me that’s in the wrong for talking to someone. Then all the focus is on me isn’t it? But if I don’t talk to a friend, then he turns it around anyway to it being my fault for not looking the way he wants, so it’s still all on me. God I don’t know, my mind is whirring.

I have changed my password but when he finds out he will not be happy. At all. If I ask why he’s reading my messages he says he likes to “know what’s going on”. But he reads conversations with absolutely everyone, not just people he knows.

I’m normally careful, because he reads into everything I say, but I didn’t know he read everything, going back months and months. He was mad because I was talking about something private involving a friend that he doesn’t know, I didn’t even remember the conversation it was so long ago, but he accused me of being flirty... I looked back and he had totally twisted the whole conversation. It was about intimate infections, I made a joke to her about it.. He must have spent a long time going back that far... it must have taken ages to load. He doesn’t even know her, so I can’t think what he was even looking for, what he would want to know?

Arexall his communications completely open to you ?

OP, why don't you have any access to money? Has he got all the financial control?

I need to trust myself and keep it private. Get stronger

How many people need to tell you that this is not what you need to do? He's an abuser. It's not up to you to "keep it private"

He’s not nice, sweetheart, and you deserve a lot better. Please think about that and the responses you’re getting on here, and imagine how much nicer life could be.

Would he be happy if you picked up his phone and started going through his stuff? No? Thought not.

He’s nice to you every so often to reel you back in. Sorry you’re in this position, but it can be sorted, however overwhelmed you feel. Help is out there when you feel ready for it.

Good luck. 💐

He doesnt want you to tell people about his behaviour because if they care about you at all they will encourage you to leave him because hes an abusive dickhead.
Like many other abusers he does not want you exposed to any narrative about the situation but his own He will wear down your self esteem and isolate you from anyone who can help you and eventually control your every move.
This is what men like this do, this is the pattern. Just get away from him please.
None of this is normal and hes already got inside your head to make it all your fault.
Please please leave now whilst you are still able to see at least partially clearly.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

It's never bad all the time; that's the classic pattern. But he's not being lovely now, not if his kindness is dependent on your good behaviour. It's a trick designed to keep you confused and unsettled.

It's not normal for your husband to call you a cunt, for you not to have access to money, for him to give you no privacy at all. I promise you.

This is abuse & gaslighting, turning everything back to you & laying all the guilt on you, making out that everything is your fault. People like him change like the wind, nice one moment, evil the next but it's never their fault. It's not very often I say this but LTB for your own sake.

Oh lovely, this is a bad man and a toxic environment for you and your children. There are ways to get out, go to family and the children can start new schools just like children do every day for a myriad of reasons, go to your local domestic violence team/Women’s Aid, there are refuges where your children and you can stay and not walk on eggshells whilst you get financial and emotional support to start the rest of your life. The council, go to housing and apply with them though make certain nothing comes to house...each council has ways to deal with this discreetly as sadly such abuse is common. Pregnancy often makes it worse as the abuser feels you will put up as you are at your most vulnerable. But you are strong, you really are. You deserve 0% nastiness, we all do!!! Please, please talk to support networks so they can help you realise how bullying and wrong his behaviour is.

No, I’m terrified he will see this and know it’s me. My heart is pounding in my chest!

You are terrified of your husband? This is so beyond normal...

Please, please start making plans to leave but do not tell him until you're out. He does not sound like a 'lovely man' in the least.

OP, your husband’s behaviours are abusive and controlling. Reading your messages is a form of control, which is also abusive.