*TW sexual assault* My life is collapsing around me

[Inawholeofdoom82]

I have name changed for this. I just need to get it all out and maybe someone out there has some wise words or practical advice.

Just over a year ago I was sexually assaulted by a friend. The attack was violent and I was left black and blue. He was charged with counts of sexual assault and assault by penetration. He was convicted and received a custodial sentence very recently.

I have just found out he is appealing against the length of his sentence.

I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm a total fucking mess. I have 3 small kids and a husband who, at least in part, blames me for what happened. Part of me also blames me. Both my husband and I have had counselling individually and are due to start counselling together. The other week he told me (he was v tearful and distressed when we had this conversation) that for him it feels like I have slept with someone else and he cannot erase what has happened. I was left speechless and and felt like I was going to be sick.

I'm suffering from awful anxiety and panic attacks. I am angry the whole fucking time, so full of rage, at anything and everything. I feel like I will never get back to the "old" me and that my relationship won't recover. I'm terrified of that.

Mostly, I feel like I am letting people down by not being "over it" yet, especially since he was convicted etc. I have told close friends about what happened and I feel like everyone who knows now views me differently and thinks less of me - that everything I have done/achieved in my life to date just amounts to nothing now.

I just don't know where to go from here I guess. Will this get better?! Feel like I am at the bottom of a very dark hole right now.

I just couldn’t read and run. This is horrible and I believe you.

Your husband is the problem. How on earth can he be thinking this? If the perpetrator has been convicted then surely he must understand that it happened. There are so few convictions for sexual assault. Just by virtue of this, if not because you are his wife, he should believe you. What an absolute cunt.

Thanks. DH does believe it happened but I think part of him thinks I put myself in a risky situation - which I know is bollocks - and part of him also thinks that I could/should have done more to get myself out of that situation.

Absolutely none of this is your fault. 100% the attacker's fault. And it was unfair of your husband to say that. I do not understand his logic at all. You are very brave to have reported it etc. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I definitely would not expect you to be over it after just a year.

This is awful to read I am sending you all my love. Believe that you will get over this it will take a long time to heal and a long time for those panic attacks to recede but eventually you will heal and you will get over it and you will be stronger because of it.

You will never go back to being the same person as you were before the attack there is nothing that can be done about that. However you can and will move forward with or without your husband's support.

Try not to think about what other people say about you or how you perceive they act towards you. They're probably feeling incredibly uncomfortable and not knowing how to deal with the situation. It's absolutely no reflection upon you.

Concentrate on yourself on healing yourself and on your children and keeping life stable and balanced and healthy. All that is within your control and I wish you all the best.

Of course this is 100% not your fault but it is not your DH fault either.
I applaud the fact that you and your DH can speak with such painful honesty to each other. I hope the counselling will help you both to process the situation and direct your blame on the bastard who perpetrated such a disgusting assault.

@Crunched - yes, it is not DH's fault, he has been left totally shattered by this too and talking about it is very painful for him. He can't help how he feels and at least he is able to talk a bit about it. I just don't know if our relationship can recover from this.

I had the same thing happen to me many years ago and still let the same emotions you are describing 5 years on - I was diagnosed with PTSD and was offered Cognitive behavioural therapy to treat it. There is no time limit on when you should 'get over it' if that ever actually happens, I think it's more that you learn to accept what's happened and how to deal with how you feel about it. It will get easier I promise. I actually lost many friends afterwards as I think I just became a bit of a dark cloud to them during that time. Unfortunately the worst situations are when you see who your true friends are

You were seriously assaulted for which someone has been convicted but your DH is acting like you've been unfaithful?? What an arsehole of a man, would he think this if it was a daughter? Blame her? Make her feel guilty?

@Science9 I'm so sorry that you also had to go through this and I totally agree about finding out who your true friends are.

How can he possibly blame you? Jesus. Even holding you responsible 1 per cent is wrong. Has he explained his reasoning?

There isn't much you can do about the appeal, although my understanding is most people would appeal if given the opportunity.

So sorry you went through this. Why do you think you are partly to blame?

NONE of this is your fault. It is ALL the attacker's fault. Your husband is soooo wrong to put any of the blame on you and I hope that joint counselling will help him see this. Make sure he says what he has to the counsellor. I can guarantee that they will put him straight.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Xxx

Ok so for me, (and I'm not saying this will work for you or that you 'should' be able to just do it) I had to ''choose'' to get better from a similar exp.

Well...two exp that when combined are sort of similar: one acquaintance sexually assaulted me and when I turned to a friend for support, he tried to put shit in my computer to try and film me without my knowledge (amongst other things: catfishing ect) and I now realise they were probably in on all that messed up shit together (police investigated them for similar later on and I gave evidence but both are still at large). I think the fact that these were people I had initially trusted made it the hardest thing to get over.

What really stuck with me...is how difficult it is to take people at face
value now. Though I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. The sexual assault, I basically compartmentalised and got over pretty quick. But my friend doing all that shit, really stuck with me. Like I thought I must be a horrible person that someone I consider a close friend could do that to me, especially knowing what I had already been through.

I think, until you start saying to yourself 'the past is in the past', you can't move on. Because there is no 'getting over' this shit. There is just moving on with your life until there comes a day where you don't think about it anymore. Obviously if you are going through anything like ptsd as a result, therapy might be wise move too. But seriously, I think getting better has to start with choice. 'It happened but now it's over and I choose to be done with it'. Shitty people do shitty things but they don't define us and they should not have any influence over our future.

All that aside, obviously you are stressing because of his appeal and I don't think anyone has the right to 'expect' you to just be over something like that. Because it obviously isn't that simple. But, it starts with you and you do have the power to move on, when you are ready.

I think part of DH's issue is simple disbelief that this has happened - not that he doesn't believe me of my account, but just total shock at the whole situation and how it unfolded. It is something that you think will just never happen to you, I guess. Or I did until it did happen to me.

Ps: If you ever get really stressed/overwhelmed/angry thinking of things - I find that dancing about to music until you are knackered really helps.

Your husband needs to do some serious work in therapy and until he has he needs to be far more sensitive about what he says to you. I don't think he's speaking with 'painful honesty', I think he's being a cruel, insensitive, judgemental bastard and you have every right to expect better from your husband.

I don't know how to talk about this without using words like shame and guilt and that makes me uncomfortable because they are absolutely not feelings you should have. But the fact is we do, we do feel ashamed and guilty and like what happened to us somehow makes us.,,,less, it's part of what makes surviving rape/SA so bloody hard. I can tell you that you won't always feel like this, it does fade with time and our processing of and healing from what happened. I know now, properly believe now, that it wasn't my fault, that all the shame belongs to him and that, in the end, he took nothing from me, I'm stronger now than I ever have been. But it takes time, and the people around you need to not be confirming all those negative thoughts about yourself.

I don't know what to advise about your husband, he is letting you down hugely here and that must feel unforgivable. I can tell you that your feelings are justified though, this happened to you and everyone around you should be supporting you, not making you feel worse.

My God, that is just appalling.
Just appalling. I'm so sorry.
I believe you. None of that is your "fault".
It's not.

I dont know what is being twisted to make this somehow your "doing" but, just to be clear, even if a woman's own husband began to do that in the middle of enthusiastic and mutually consensual sex, what you described would still be an absolutely monstrous rape and violent breach of trust. That is not your "fault", your doing or your responsibility in any way.

Your rapist is monstrous bastard.
Your husband is a venal scrote.
Anyone who looks askance at YOU for this needs their head read and their phone number lost.

I am so, so, so very sorry that a monster did this to you and that your husband is such a viscerally disappointing weasel.
and more

@TeaForTheWin - yes, I have huge issues trusting people now.

Until it all kicked off with the appeal, I had thought that I was doing OK, slowly but surely making progress. But it's kind of knocked me for six. I know that these things don't get easier in a linear way though and I get your point about making a decision to try to move on, which I do want to do.

Your husbands attitude is appalling.

Sorry op I had an incident prior to meeting dh that I don’t particularly like to discuss in the past but if something had happened when I was married to my husband he would be out of blood never mind even contemplating that I was unfaithful I think that’s pretty appalling of him to even say that for heavens sake you were black and blue. You are not to blame whatsoever for what happened

Your husband probably feels guilty deep down that he didn't "protect"you so blaming you is his twisted way to feel better for his failing you-denial to protect himself. Not acceptable or correct to blame you and I cannot believe others are judging you-if so it speaks volumes about them. Your husband needs to get his act together and decide if he wants a true loving relationship with you

I believe you.

One day, not today or tomorrow but one day, you will think:

I survived that. I wanted to die but I survived.

I am responsible for having the prick sentenced. I was told that the odds were statistically out of favour, but my strength did that.

I am glad I divorced my ex husband. But I hope in time he'll be ok-ish.

Right now, in the grip of anxiety just take it one day at a time.

Have you spoken to your GP? Medication might help in the immediate term, but I'm glad you're also having counselling.

Take care x

The thing is that even faced with you black and blue and sexually assaulted, your husband is making it about him.

Of course he would have been shocked and terrified, but his reaction should be empathy.

Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing if your relationship ended. I think (for me) that would be easier than living with someone who blamed me for my own assault.

I think that in DH's position, even if I thought such things, I would never voice them to my partner. I would know that they were my issues that I needed to sort out. So I guess I am angry that he would vocalise these things to me when he knows how utterly shit I am feeling right now, when he could save them for his sodding counsellor.

Exactly. He could speak to his counsellor about those thoughts, but to talk to you about them - honestly, I think that's unforgivable.

What you went through is awful but you should give yourself credit for your part in getting your attacker convicted.

It's good you and your husband have both had counselling but, of course, his counselling has concentrated on the effects on him. In some ways he probably feels guilty as well as angry, however irrational that is. However, he should not take his hurt out on you and hopefully joint counselling will get him past this. If he had been assaulted he would not expect you to 'claim' that you were as affected as him nor to blame him. I know a sexual assault is different but it was you it happened to.

The person who behaved wrongly will hopefully be in prison for a long time.