*TW sexual assault* My life is collapsing around me

[Inawholeofdoom82]

I have name changed for this. I just need to get it all out and maybe someone out there has some wise words or practical advice.

Just over a year ago I was sexually assaulted by a friend. The attack was violent and I was left black and blue. He was charged with counts of sexual assault and assault by penetration. He was convicted and received a custodial sentence very recently.

I have just found out he is appealing against the length of his sentence.

I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm a total fucking mess. I have 3 small kids and a husband who, at least in part, blames me for what happened. Part of me also blames me. Both my husband and I have had counselling individually and are due to start counselling together. The other week he told me (he was v tearful and distressed when we had this conversation) that for him it feels like I have slept with someone else and he cannot erase what has happened. I was left speechless and and felt like I was going to be sick.

I'm suffering from awful anxiety and panic attacks. I am angry the whole fucking time, so full of rage, at anything and everything. I feel like I will never get back to the "old" me and that my relationship won't recover. I'm terrified of that.

Mostly, I feel like I am letting people down by not being "over it" yet, especially since he was convicted etc. I have told close friends about what happened and I feel like everyone who knows now views me differently and thinks less of me - that everything I have done/achieved in my life to date just amounts to nothing now.

I just don't know where to go from here I guess. Will this get better?! Feel like I am at the bottom of a very dark hole right now.

You were raped but your husband believes its your fault? Your husband is a class A cunt!!!

Im sorry you went through this. If you feel you can, fight back against the assholes appeal.

I never even reported my rapist, i was a child and very scared.

Totally believe you.

Your anger is a reasonable rational response to someone who treated you as less than human and is now denying that he did that - his appeal at the length of his sentence.

Your DH needs a lot more counselling to help him shift his understanding of the crime committed. That it was not sex. It was violence.

You are not responsible for “getting over it” for other people.

You may want to deal with it for yourself do you can get on with your life and take back the power that this criminal tried to take away from you.

I believe you. Your H is holding back your recovery and adding to your trauma. His behaviour is inappropriate and not the action of a loving partner. Yes you are defending him and yes you do deserve better. I hope the sentence gets reviewed and increased. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Trauma focused CBT or EMDR will be helpful to you. Do you have a local rpe and sexual violence service or an IAPT service if you're in England?

When I read you OP I strongly think you need to separate from your husband for a period of time. Put a marker in the sand that what he is saying is unacceptable and offensive.

Yes they are his feeleings and he can't necessasarily help feeling like that but it is not helpful to you at this moment.

You sound like YOU need more (much more) private counselling to help process this

Ittakes2 and sofasurfer I am so sorry that you both went through similar things too.

I am continuing to see a counsellor, yes.

I will also contact Rape Crisis. I feel that I am only just starting to address my own emotions as it took so much out of me to get through the trial so I basically shut down a great deal just to do that. It isalso correct that I can't carry my dh's pain too, though I am not sure how I explain that/where we go from here.

OP yesterday I said "I sincerely hope you will be able to overcome what has happened to you. Maybe overcoming it means that you will be able to move forward." The second part of that was a bit muddled! Of course overcoming it means that you will be able to move forward. I think what meant was more as you move forward, get on with your life, make choices for yourself, slowly, you will overcome some of those terrible feelings etc.

I think Springwalk has excellent advice about treating yourself with great care and love. Use beautiful products on your body, beautifuk smells, treat yourself eith love and care.

I agree with all the eose tgings others have said, you were able to get him imprisoned for his crime, well done for taking tgis menace off the streets, you won't be able to get over this quickly and it is not your responsibility to get over this for other people's sake.

"And perhaps I have been too generous to dh, tbh" o think you have. Your husband has a right to feel how he feels BUT by telling you he had made his problem your problem. Th is is frankly a very shitty thing to do.

If your marriage does not survive your husband will be responsible because when you needed him most, he was there for himself and not for you. He does need to know that his behaviour is wrong, how you tell him or whether his counsellor can, I don't know. May counsellors cannot make judgements. Maybe your counsellor can help you convey to him that he has taken the wrong path on this. He is effectively blaming you on some level for something out of your control.

Springwalk's advice is very on point. I haven't been treating myself well at all - not eating properly etc.

Ittakes2 and sofasurfer I am very sorry to hear that you have been through these terrible experiences.