*TW sexual assault* My life is collapsing around me

[Inawholeofdoom82]

I have name changed for this. I just need to get it all out and maybe someone out there has some wise words or practical advice.

Just over a year ago I was sexually assaulted by a friend. The attack was violent and I was left black and blue. He was charged with counts of sexual assault and assault by penetration. He was convicted and received a custodial sentence very recently.

I have just found out he is appealing against the length of his sentence.

I feel like my life is falling apart and I'm a total fucking mess. I have 3 small kids and a husband who, at least in part, blames me for what happened. Part of me also blames me. Both my husband and I have had counselling individually and are due to start counselling together. The other week he told me (he was v tearful and distressed when we had this conversation) that for him it feels like I have slept with someone else and he cannot erase what has happened. I was left speechless and and felt like I was going to be sick.

I'm suffering from awful anxiety and panic attacks. I am angry the whole fucking time, so full of rage, at anything and everything. I feel like I will never get back to the "old" me and that my relationship won't recover. I'm terrified of that.

Mostly, I feel like I am letting people down by not being "over it" yet, especially since he was convicted etc. I have told close friends about what happened and I feel like everyone who knows now views me differently and thinks less of me - that everything I have done/achieved in my life to date just amounts to nothing now.

I just don't know where to go from here I guess. Will this get better?! Feel like I am at the bottom of a very dark hole right now.

Yeah, just take it easy on yourself. You'll get there. Just a suggestion but, maybe don't get involved in the appeal? I mean, I know you probably want him to spend as much time behind bars as possible but...it kind of prolongs his involvement in your life. There's no shame in saying 'I'm done, do with him what you will'.

I moved away and started afresh. To be fair I'm not so far away that I couldn't still bump into either one of them but I haven't asked for any more info on the investigation because I just don't want to know. I've given them both enough of my time.

Anyway, just a thought. Obviously not necessarily that simple.

Maybe you should ask him whether, if the situation was reversed, he would happy if you blamed him. If he'd been assaulted by the same guy in the same way, what would he think - that it was his own fault?

Is it possible to give an impact statement for the appeal?

8Inawholeofdoom82* this is 100% the attackers fault. None of the blame is with you, NONE.

You need to access some counselling that will help you work through everything, especially your own feelings that you could have/should have done anything differently. You need to let go of feelings of guilt that any of this is your fault, it is not.

Your husband is entitled to view things how he does, however, he needs to make strenuous efforts through counselling to understand that what happened to you is terrible, awful, appalling and he needs as quickly as possible to come to the realization that you are the victim of an attach and this is not a situation where he should feel anything other than sorrow for you.

In different circumstances your husband could have been the victim of a sexual assault, how would he feel if that happened and you assumed something wrong about the attack?

I think whether your relationship can be saved probably rests largely on whether your husband is able to face reality. It is up to him to make every effort to understand what happened. I know you want your relationship to work, and I hope your husband will be able to come to his senses.

Maybe on some level it is easier for him to believe that you were a part of this than to face the reality that you were a victim and he has not been able to protect you. Maybe this encroaches on his manhood and makes him feel vulnerable too. He needs specialist counselling with someone who can help him face reality.

I sincerely hope you will be able to overcome what has happened to you. Maybe overcoming it means that you will be able to move forward.

I sincerely hope your assailant will not get a reduced sentence. But whether he does or not, your situation is dealing with what happened. Any friends who think differently of you are utter bastards and you are better off without such false 'friends'.

I think that's something you need to say, maybe in counselling? That you are the one dealing with the direct impact of this and that you can't also be expected to take on his feelings. But I would still have issue with the fact that he even has these feelings, I would hope they are a sort of deflection from his own (actually pretty illogical) feelings of guilt for not protecting you but he needs to sort himself out sharpish if that's the case and start focusing on what you need.

It's a sure sign of not accepting blame that a perpetrator of a crime like that thinks that his sentence is too long. Disgusting creature.

@HollowTalk, I gave an impact statement for the purposes of sentencing but I am currently waiting to here what kind of evidence I will need to give in relation to the appeal against sentence.i may be able to submit a fresh one.

OP, the gold standard for dealing with someone else's tragedy (for example, terminal illness), is that you vent outwards, not inwards. It's meant to go: comfort IN, dump OUT. Google "ring theory comforting someone". Link below.

www.google.com/amp/s/lifehacker.com/use-the-ring-theory-to-know-how-to-comfort-someone-977848409/amp

Your husband is dumping IN, at you, the attacked. He is disgraceful, but maybe reading the above might give him some perspective. Maybe. Sorry, I'm not hopeful, he's really treated you and YOUR personal tragedy disgracefully.

More

Inawholeofdoom82 I've heard very good things about Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR)
Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment which has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.

It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident. Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.

It's not clear exactly how EMDR works but it may help you to change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

I have not had this treatment myself nor been the victim of an assault but someone I know has said the EMDR treatment is very helpful.

Is there anyone who is completely on your side, OP? Do you have family or a friend who you can trust to always be there for you?

@HollowTalk I have a couple of close friends who I trust. Not very close to family though.

I think it means an awful lot to have someone there who gets it and who is on your side. I'm so sorry your husband isn't one of them.

Was there any suspicion about your friend before? Did he have a criminal record for anything else? Obviously I know you wouldn't have known he was capable of that, but was he aggressive in other ways? It was such a violent assault and terrifying to think it can just happen out of the blue.

Oh Inawholeofdoom82 I’m so sorry this happened to you. And so sorry too that it’s impacting on your marriage as well as everything else. I believe you. I’m glad he was convicted. It will get better.

@HollowTalk No previous convictions and I had not seen any aggression etc before. He was a nice guy, so I thought. Since he was convicted his ex gf contacted me and we met briefly. She told me he had been v aggressive towards her. I don't think the assault on me was the first time he did it tbh. I think there are others like me out there.

What an awful situation OP and i am sorry for what happened to you and continuing to happen to you.

Slowly, bit by bit you will find a new normal, but your partner is not helping this. Hopefully you have someone else in your life for support, and you can be suprised who you ends up being your biggest support

Because of your strength and courage other women have been spared this ordeal. He is locked away, and you have survived this experience. A successful appeal in this situation is unlikely.

Your dh should be a source of comfort and safety, but he is choosing to make this about him. This did not happen to him. It happened to you. Raise this with the counsellor as soon as possible, he needs much more time in counselling to process this, so that he does not add to your considerable pain. You can not carry him as well.

For what it is worth I found cleansing rituals helpful, healing massage so you can connect back with your body. You may cry all the way through but don’t worry about that. Every day prioritise acts of kindness to yourself, using a body cream, warm baths, use mint and lemon. Mediation and relaxation to help with the panic attacks. At some point you will feel more confident about helping your own recovery but choosing to take the upmost care of yourself, buy a dog, make some dreams happen.

Your life is so precious, more so now than before. This experience will eventually give you strength, the resilience will help you through future challenges, it will give you understanding and perspective. Gather those caring friends and together you will come through this.

I am so sorry that you have been through such an awful time. You hold your head up, for all you have achieved, in sending this low life to prison.

None of this was your fault at all, and I am appalled that your husband seems to be making this all about himself. You are being very generous towards him. I wish I could shake some sense into him. He could lose you all because of his inability to hold your hand, and love you and give you strength through this ordeal.

Mum to three young children and a blubbing eejit as their Dad must be so tough, alongside dealing with a terrible assault and an appeal. It seems to me that you are trying to hold the family together. I am so glad that you came here to talk, let it all out here, it is ok, we are listening.

Please talk about this in your counselling. Your husband needs to stop making this about him. I am beyond words at how awful I think he is behaving towards you. So glad that you have some close friends around you. I care, very much

Thank you for the supportive comments. 8 guess I have just been thinking that it's my fault for not being more "over it" after he got convicted. But I'm not there yet at all and I just feel such a disappointment to those people who have supported me.

And perhaps I have been too generous to dh, tbh.

This isn't something you are "over" in such a short time though or in the near future. It is something that you eventually will learn to live around. You survived it, and now you will learn to thrive again, bit by bit. But you need support, and should not be expected to prop your husband up.

This appeal has ripped the plaster off, so as to speak, so it is all raw again because of that. The genuine people who have been supporting you will not be disappointed in you at all. Actually, you sound as though you are the one who has been supporting your husband. That is not right.

You are reacting naturally to a very traumatic event, and it's a long road. You don't just "snap out" of something like this, we all know that.

Have you spoken to Rape Crisis at all? If not, they are lovely to talk to. My friend found them a great support. Not sure where you are, so this is the England/Wales link below.

Keep in your mind that you did nothing wrong. You really did not. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Give hubby a kick up the arse from me. These are for you
Here is the link
rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

There is no time limit on 'getting over it' and no one should expect there to be. And a conviction doesn't right the wrong or repair the damage done to you, it's good to feel there's been some consequence, some justice but it doesn't cancel out what happened. I think you're expecting far too much of yourself and nowhere near enough from those around you OP, a year is nothing after this kind of trauma

It's horrifying to think someone you thought was a friend could hurt you so badly. I just can't see your husband's point of view at all. We all believe you, OP. We're all on your side.

@HollowTalk, I have known him since we were 18. We went to university together and remained part of the same group 9f friends over the years, as did my DH who I also went to uni with. Thank you for being so kind.

There is no time limit to getting better. Take however long you need. You will get there, the human spirit is incredibly resilient

As others have suggested you are possibly not in a position to carry your husbands pain as well as your own so its good that he has his own counselling but he cannot expect to give you his upset. Perhaps he is in some way struggling with knowing this person as a friend and not being able to see the risk and protect you. I do think you are asking a lot of yourselves to be 'over it' after only a year. I would imagine a lot of the time was also caught in being involved in the criminal process, trying to be 'normal' for your children and basically putting one foot in front of the other. Its shockingly sad that many crimes against the person are committed by someone known to them, it has no doubt made you look at everyone with less trust. You might not be able to see it but you have amazing strength to have been able to participate in the court process which is not adequately balanced IMO to survivors of crime, you have kept your family together sought therapeutic help and are able to talk in a very reasonable way about the betrayal of trust and hurt you have experienced. I have so much admiration for you, I cannot imagine how you have done it. I am sure your husband is also in pain but right now he cannot expect to give it to you, please don't accept it as it will feed some idea that you deserve that and you absolutely don't.

Hi Op. I was sexually assaulted at 11 and I hope you don't mind please if I give you a different perspective.
If there is one thing I have learned from therapy is that people can't help their feelings. Feelings are a reflex that people can't control. What they can control - or can learn to control - is how they react to their feelings. When I was assaulted I was left with an overwhelming feeling of guilt that it was my fault - that I had done something to attract him. Of course my adult self said in my mind that that was not true - that I was a pre-pubescent girl and he was an old man who was attracted to children. So I squashed my feelings...and I squashed my feelings and I tried my best to tell myself to move on but they never went away and the incident crept into every corner of my life. It was only when 30 years later I verbally expressed my feelings that I was able to properly process them and then they faded away.
There is nothing fair about sexual assault - there is no silver lining no upside. It takes from you more than just the physical pain - it causes a mental struggle that frustratingly would not be there if the incident had not happened.
I wanted to say to you - it must have been terrible for you to hear what your husband has said on how he felt and I know why. And I know I was under the impression you have said in a post that if it was the other way around you would not tell him your feelings.
But I look at things differently and I hope you are OK please with me sharing this perspective with you. I see him being honest with you about his feelings as potentially being the thing that you can use as a fundamental corner stone to rebuild your relationship. Honesty in a relationship is one of the most important things - its when we hide things from our partners that all the problems occur because they can sense something is not quite right.
And coming back to what I said earlier about expressing feelings to process them - although I am sorry as it must have felt wretched - I am hoping by the fact he stopped burying his feelings and has now expressed them that he has processed things or will process things and be in a better place to put things aside and give you the support you need.
And I also want for you to please express your feelings. Of course its not your fault - intellectually you know that and everyone on here is telling you that and being supportive. But whatever feelings you have you need to get them out so you can properly process them and move on. Please don't squash feelings down like I did. Tell someone exactly how you felt and how you feel - even the things you are telling yourself intellectually you shouldn't feel.
Do I think things will get better? Yes absolutely I do - you sound like you have an inner strength that will see you through this. You are doing all the right things. I know you must feel like you have been kicked recently after this recent appeal - its triggering memories and feelings. But use this time as a way to get all your feelings out now - even the repressed ones so you can move on completely.
You know from experience that even in difficult and dark times - things will get better. You can do this - you can show your children it can be done to come back from devastation and still have the life you want. He took something from you - you have a right to be angry - but use that anger to get back what is your's - use that anger to get back the life you were living - the life you want for the future for you and your husband and children. You and your husband can come back from this - and you can be stronger then ever because you have been forced to communicate your feelings and really think about how you can help each other. I really hope that you get the extra boast of strength you need from this mum's net thread to see you through this difficult bit.
I sometimes wonder how my life would be if I had not been assaulted. I will never know. But I can see that through the healing process I have learnt a lot of about myself and how being able to express feelings to our loved ones - both good and bad feelings - are fundamental to successful relationships and happinesses. I wish the best for you.