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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - DH and I argument. Dinner Party tonight

101 replies

StellaRae · 23/03/2019 09:07

Need urgent advice. DH and I had massive argument last night which continued this morning. This is off the back of weeks of bickering and arguing. In a nutshell, things not good.

We are supposed to be going to friends for dinner this evening. Us, another couple and the hosts. DH said I should decide whether we go or not and he's not happy either way WTF?!

Hate to let people down but equally don't want to ruin it by tension or even argument after a few drinks.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 23/03/2019 09:38

DH said I should decide whether we go or not and he's not happy either way WTF?!

If you can't win, then i'd suggest making the decision to go on your own.

Peridot1 · 23/03/2019 09:40

Can you call a truce for the evening? After a period of arguing and me realising I just can’t do this any any longer DH and I are currently in midst of a six month truce as DS is in midst of A levels and I’m determined to get through until he has finished. Although I do think DH thinks it’s just back to normal.

Motherofcreek · 23/03/2019 09:41

Don’t cancel as they will have spent money.

I’d go by myself if he didn’t want to go.

If he wants to go both of you call a cease fire. I night out might go you both good. Keep of the booze!

Minoritym · 23/03/2019 09:42

Really rude to cancel on the day!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/03/2019 09:44

I doubt either of you feel up to socialising. I would cancel - If they are good friends they will understand. Think you should maybe stay home and have a serious chat about things

Dimsumlosesum · 23/03/2019 09:44

They would've already bought food for you.

DM1209 · 23/03/2019 09:46

Depending on the argument, perhaps just drop the topic, agree to disagree and then make up and go? Clean slate?

I'm not assuming by any means as the argument may be a very emotive topic but my OH and I use this method, it's always about dropping the angst, we show each other warmth and lots of hugs, kisses and doing normal things other than trying to 'solve the fight' and then guaranteed we discuss it again from a much calmer, more connected and non confrontional place and we understand one another better. Sometimes we find a solution and other times we don't but the arguing is so hurtful that we aim to stop that as soon as we can.

I hope you're ok and I hope you find a solution either way.

sofato5miles · 23/03/2019 09:47

It is incredibly immature to cancel because you cannot behave in public for a few hours.

vdbfamily · 23/03/2019 09:47

In the overall scheme of things, unless your unhappiness goes back more than a week, you need to both agree to behave and try and enjoy the evening. Is it so serious that you cannot apologise to each other and move on? Life is hard work. We are all overworked and overstressed and need to be kinder to each other. Let me share a thought with you from my daily Lent course.

Colossians 3 v 12-17. As God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

You can ignore the God bit if that is not you but it is such sound advice generally. I shared it on our thought for the day in the office and so many people commented on it. Hope you can move on from this and enjoy your evening.

Original poster
StellaRae · 23/03/2019 09:48

Wow thanks for all the replies. Really confused now! He's out and I've messaged along the lines of "life's to short and regardless of this evening I want to talk etc".

OP posts:
ah92 · 23/03/2019 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifebegins50 · 23/03/2019 09:51

Could you go and he can be ill? That happens.

Are you feeling very emotional and fear for your marriage, if you are on verge of tears then it is not something that others can deal with at a dinner party.

Why is he making you choose? I would ask for his opinion..Ex would have made me decide then berated me for being controlling and getting it wrong.

sackrifice · 23/03/2019 09:51

What did you actually argue about?

Dimsumlosesum · 23/03/2019 09:52

Don't cancel on your hosts just because your dh is too much of a child to suck it up and behave like a mature adult for an evening, they would've spent a lot of money I'm assuming on food and drink let alone the time to plan for everyone.

ah92 · 23/03/2019 09:52

Joking of course Smile

Longdistance · 23/03/2019 09:54

Don’t cancel on the day, it’s rude. The host may have already bought and prepared stuff. You’ll both just have to find your civil tongues for the evening, and suck it up.
Maybe go out today without each other, and regroup for the evening.

Longdistance · 23/03/2019 09:56

Gah! Stop talking today. Drop it for now.
Sort it tomorrow. Be apart for today, and just fake a smile for the dinner.

1forAll74 · 23/03/2019 09:59

I think that you should go to the dinner party. maybe on your own if you have these issues with your husband. But having said that,if you both go,it might well lighten things up a bit,as you will feel embarrassed been seen with any aggro in the air. And if you stay home, you will probably have more arguments that will be worse anyway.

Just go, life is too short for these kind of issues.

DeaflySilence · 23/03/2019 10:06

"DH said I should decide whether we go or not and he's not happy either way WTF?!"

Is your husband usually incapable of making his own decisions, @StellaRae?

Worse, does he usually put the onus of making such decisions on you?
(Presumably the responsibility of the outcome of the decision would then also be yours, for both of you).

Musti · 23/03/2019 10:08

I'd go as the hosts will have bought and possibly prepared everything. You should have cancelled at least the day before or more but not on the day. This would have given them a chance to not prepare your food or invite another couple. Don't drink either of you and don't make it obvious but talk to the other people. I've had to live and socialise with my ex many times even though we weren't talking to each other and things were awful between us.

howabout · 23/03/2019 10:10

DH and I once had to take the kids to a thing with their friends and parents, mid all out bickering. We are pretty immature and just carried on the hostilities regardless. 15 years later we are still friends with the other couple and still happily married.

Unless you are on the verge of divorce, just get on with it and keep your sense of humour. If the internals of your relationship start affecting your interactions with everyone else and your social life you have a problem.

missbattenburg · 23/03/2019 10:12

To the friends what's happened and ask them to make the decision.

Doesn't this just - unfairly - pass the problem to them?

Bluesmartiesarebest · 23/03/2019 10:13

The only excuse for not going is if your marriage is over and one of you is moving out.

If it’s just a major row and you plan to stay together, you either need to both go and agree not to drink or one of you goes alone (whoever is friendlier with the hosts) and letting the hosts know that the other one is unwell.

slithytove · 23/03/2019 10:15

Go alone

CatGoals · 23/03/2019 10:18

Go alone and have a great time! Leave the grumpy unreasonable one to stew in his own grumpyness.

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