Cold and uncharming man on first date

[Borelis]

Hi,
I went on a first date with a guy who I met via an app (online) - he initiated the conversation and I guess I was keen/friendly towards him too. We'd spoken on the phone and then set up a date to meet in person.

He was very different to most other guys I've been on dates with in that:

1. He seemed a bit emotionless / cold = kept a steady face, showing not much emotion
2. Downplayed himself quite a bit = told me about illnesses he has/had, that he doesn't want children, not religious, wouldn't marry without being sure it's the right person (which is fair enough), that he doesn't like one night stands but not super keen to settle down etc.
3. Doesn't compliment my looks etc. except a few things, and also a few nice things about my personality.

All of this is so different from guys usually who would show-off their good traits (sometimes in a jokey way), were usually very charming, full on, obsessed with me, very funny etc... whereas this guy seems almost playing hard to get...

Either playing "treat them mean keep them keen" or genuinely not interested?

He said he'd like to meet again if I wanted to and did not force/try on any physical contact when seeing goodbye. He also said the evening was lovely with me, he'd contact me the next day etc. He also seems uncomfortable with doing anything outside the realms of masculinity i.e. avoiding habits/choices that would make him seem even slightly girly/feminine.

It's hard to know whether he's behaving coldly due to nervousness, or because of the "treat them mean, keep them keen" or simply doesn't like me?

He also seems uncomfortable with doing anything outside the realms of masculinity i.e. avoiding habits/choices that would make him seem even slightly girly/feminine.

This is intriguing. I'd like a date with him myself, just to find out more!

Does he refuse to moisturise and cleanse, preferring to slap washing up liquid on his face? Does he always say no to a slice of quiche?

He sounds fucking terrible.

Hi all, thank for all your responses soo far - all have been very helpful.

With regards to the masculinity thing - yes he actually said it a few times about certain things.. like food/drink choices, and other such things.. it wouldn't be masculine to choose X, Y or it'd be a feminine if I did X. It isn't me assuming anything from subtle cues - he outright said it.

I'm still rather on the fence of if it was nerves or he's just not into it.. I feel like if he was nervous, he wouldn't have admitted to being nervous any way (as it wouldn't fit his "masculine" image" he'd think) but then, seems odd to list all your negative traits (e.g. his illness, not wanting kids etc. without really being prompted by me.. not that I regard them as negatives but we all know they are things that can put some people off).

Yes I do agree that the charming at first glance guys who are funny, bubbly, witty and handsy often turn out to be awful narcs or players in the long run but I kind of feel like if most such charming, attentive men turned out to be awful, there's even greater chance with introverted/reserved seeming guys at the start, playing away as they're not even excited at the start....? It could be flawed logic though...

Do you like him enough to want to see him again? That’s all that really matters at this early stage.

If he has fixed ideas about certain things being 'feminine' and certain 'masculine', it could be that he is quite conservative/traditional in his outlook. I guess you'd have to ask yourself whether that would fit with your own personality.

There could be a certain amount of masculine pride involved in playing his cards close to his chest so that he doesn't end up looking foolish if you knock him back.

The way I date is that I see if I enjoy the first date, and if I do, then I go on another one (if they want to too, of course!). If I don't, then I don't. If I'm in doubt, I go on one more date. Life's too short to waste on dull dates. My enjoyment doesn't depend at all on compliments etc - it's all about how we get on, and the fun, shared interests and potential connection.

But actually, it doesn't sound like you enjoyed yourself much at all. Rather than wondering about him, I'd be wondering why I was so worried about binning someone off after only one date.

You certainly seem to be uncertain enough to move on. I think you should do just that. It’s too easy to get philosophical about dating these days. Sometimes you just need to trust your gut instinct.

Thanks everyone :)

But in all this analysis of his behaviour, you neglect to say the key thing -- did you LIKE him or not? There's your answer.

I agree, stop trying to analyse him, it only matters if you liked him and want to see him again.

1. Are you going to want children at any point?

1. Did you like him?

1. Is someone who obsesses about whether he looks masculine at all times ultimately going to become wearing? If you move in together, will it be masculine for him to put a load of washing on/do the dishes?

I guess I'm just a very analytical person lol always curious about human psychology as he's not the first person I've encountered who was this way (but the others who were similar I encountered in a friendship context)

if most such charming, attentive men turned out to be awful, there's even greater chance with introverted/reserved seeming guys at the start

I think the chance of either type of men being "awful" would be about the same. Given that, you're better off concentrating on whichever type of man you find most attractive.

I think with a charming player, they've effectively dumped you before you've even started, as they have no intention of forming a long-term relationship, with you or anyone. So if no-strings fun is what you want, fine but their 'attentiveness' is a means to a (short-term) end and, once the initial excitement passes, it's over.

I do therefore think that someone less experienced and self-assured at playing the dating game is more likely to be interested in a real relationship - because, if any of them are, that's a higher proportion than zero.

That isn't to say that 'still waters run deep' necessarily, or that quiet, awkward types won't turn out to be users or arses either. So, no reason at all to meet this man again, if you didn't feel anything. I do find dismissing him for being genuine and not a slick dating pro, is an odd reason though.

Not wanting kids is not a negative trait.

Thank you for the posts

@Scott72 Yea and perhaps it's just the introversion that's so against my natural behavior.

@lottiegarbanzo - you do talk a lot of sense.

@Trills I'm not saying not wanting kids is a negative trait universally but it's definitely one that many would consider a negative trait. I realize that to so some, not wanting children is a neutral trait or even a positive trait but I'd say the majority would lean towards regarding it a bit of a negative trait.

In fact, I don't think there's any trait that would be considered negative by everyone.