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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To stay or to leave? HELP

67 replies

Charstar92 · 22/03/2019 18:37

I will get straight to the point...
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, lived together for 1 year 3 months of that. I have a 7 year old daughter.
When he first moved in, I was in a bad place, with my landlord evicting me and had just lost my job. He moved from another city and did not have a job to come to. He used his savings to help feed us and gas and electric. He also said I could use his car as mine had failed MOT (He doesn't have licence) basically he helped me a lot.

Skip forward 6 months, we were both working and had moved into a new house. He said he would only pay £300 towards the bills as my daughter was not his and he felt that he was a "lodger". I accepted this but then it leaves me with no money once I've paid the bills. He then always moans that I never have any money to go out together/buy things. He then says he is stressed because he works and just comes home.

He recently has accused me of cheating on him whilst I'm at work because I "felt different" one night and said there was no other explanation. I then changed my number and deleted my social media to "prove" nothing was going on

My 7 year old also has a problem with bed wetting. As you can imagine, her room can become very smelly as its only a small room too. I've tried lots of different things to help, including taking her to doctors and school nurse. They have said she will grow out of it. However, other half said I should punish her as she doesn't respect me and she's being lazy. I disagreed and he said that he will leave if it doesn't change. He tells me what to say to her but has no direct input. Don't get me wrong, he does have a good relationship with her.

Another issue we mostly go through is that "I don't pull my weight". In the week, I take him work, drop daughter to school, and go work. I then finish, pick him up, drop him off, pick up my daughter, and go home. I finish work at 4.15 and don't get home until 6.30 by the time I've done that. He then expects me to come home, help cook, wash up, keep on top of laundry but also spend time with him and not go to bed in till 12! When he gets home from work he wants to "chill" and help cook because he's had a long day. At a weekend he will get up and demand we start cleaning because most nights of the week I'm too tired to tidy up with no help. I get next to no time to spend with my daughter myself or my friends. I haven't seen my friends in so long as I feel guilty if I go out with them because he says I'm leaving him on his own.

I'm going to stop as I've rambled on.

I live this man so much because when its good, its real good. But I can't keep living like this. I feel like I don't know what to do. I've spoke to a few people and they say he seems to be controlling but I don't know? Love is blind I guess?

Any advice on how to deal with this would be so appreciated. Any questions. Please ask!!!

OP posts:
ConfCall · 22/03/2019 18:41

It's a newish relationship and you have no joint children and no mortgage. You can walk away at any time. There are better men out there

BluishMoon · 22/03/2019 18:43

Leave, for the bit about punishing your daughter if nothing else

SB1013 · 22/03/2019 18:48

Glad to see you don't agree over the bed wetting. Your poor daughter must be very embarrassed by it. Do you use bed mats on her mattress as I find them so helpful with my son. Stops the mattress getting wet at all.
Your partner does sound controlling but he clearly had a very nice side to him when you got together so maybe you both just need to talk about how you're feeling

Mabelface · 22/03/2019 18:50

Get rid. He's a controlling arse who's already cutting you off from your friends.

ohhcecelia · 22/03/2019 18:51

He is controlling. I say leave but I know it isn't easy Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 22/03/2019 18:53

Night pull-ups are good for overnights. My 6yo wears them. We call them night pants. But as for dp - LTB. You can't carry on like this forever. Life's too short..

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/03/2019 18:54

He's very, very controlling. It's not a good way to bring up your DD.

SconesandTea · 22/03/2019 19:06

He sounds like a controlling whinger and not very good for you, sorry.

Ask yourself this - if you could live on your own, and see him occasionally, would you?

Original poster
Charstar92 · 22/03/2019 19:07

When I got her a new mattress I left the plastic on so it wouldn't make it smell! Also use waterproof sheet. He says she must be weeing on the floor or something.

I have tried many times to talk to him about how I feel but he somehow manages to turn it to make it seem like its my fault or I'm being ungrateful after everything he did for me. He says I disrespect him and take him for a mug.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charstar92 · 22/03/2019 19:10

If we could live separate and still see him then yes I deffo would, but I'd feel guilty and would make my life difficult as I would still have to take him to work and pick him up. He has taken the car previously if I say I can't go somewhere for him or he feels I've left it a "mess"-leaving daughters school work in car or couple empty drink bottles

OP posts:
BercowsSilkTie · 22/03/2019 19:11

Classic abuse tactics. Leave. You and your daughter don't deserve that. Her bed wetting might resolve without the stress of him around.

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2019 19:13

Leave he is controlling and abusive but also

He is alienating you from your daughter

Honestly op you moved in with him (and your daughter) after knowing him less than a year. Put her first I would not be surprised if her bed wetting was done to him partly as well

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/03/2019 19:16

He sounds a right cunt who is mugging you off.

GreenTulips · 22/03/2019 19:21

For £300 you can cook clean pay all the bills and take me to work!

Sounds like a bargain to me!

Dinks66 · 22/03/2019 19:21

Don't deal with it. He's not supporting you or being empathetic to your needs. Get rid...good luck.

DPotter · 22/03/2019 19:24

re the bed wetting - take the original plastic sheet off the bed - it's not designed for protecting against urine, so won't be up to the job. As pp said use a waterproof sheet. Urine can be difficult to wash out of bed linen - the smell can linger. Wash everything (sheets, pillows, DD nightclothes, duvet the whole shebang) in white vinegar - I know it sounds daft but it will get rid of the smell. Might take a couple of times.

As for the man - ditch him. £300 per month for a grown man as a lodger - he's pulling a fast one. My DD's rent alone in a shared flat is £150 per week, and she has utilities and food etc on top of that. He is using you as a chauffeur, housekeeper and sex worker - get rid.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2019 19:31

He's really awful. You're worse off financially, he's got a terrible attitude towards your daughter and you haven't a minute to yourself. All that would change if you told him to bugger off.

GreenTulips · 22/03/2019 19:33

I wouldn’t tell him to sling it.

I’d move out!

choli · 22/03/2019 19:39

My 7 year old also has a problem with bed wetting. As you can imagine, her room can become very smelly as its only a small room too. I've tried lots of different things to help, including taking her to doctors and school nurse. They have said she will grow out of it. However, other half said I should punish her as she doesn't respect me and she's being lazy. I disagreed and he said that he will leave if it doesn't change.

Tell him not to let the door hit his arse on the way out.

crystalize · 22/03/2019 23:09

You can't and shouldn't carry on living like this. He has zero respect for you and resents your daughter. Did the bedwetting start or get worse once he moved in? Do you feel like you owe him for helping you out when he first moved in?

He is certainly controlling.. giving you the bare minimum, leaving you out of pocket..you changed your number to prove nothing was going on..You can't see your friends..You feel guilty. He wears you out expecting lifts to and from work, then cooking etc, controlling your bed time... you must be bone tired.

You must end this for you and your daughters sake. He moved in on you when you were vulnerable, it was way too soon. She will be picking up on the awful vibes despite you thinking they get on great. You owe him absolutely nothing. You are not responsible for his happiness. And for fucks sake cut down on the lifts. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to go to bed when you want. You are allowed to end this farce of a relationship without guilt.

Do you feel scared telling him?

Lozzerbmc · 22/03/2019 23:24

You say you love him but you are really unhappy. Hes not paying his way, making you ferry him around and he’s criticising you and your DD. If he really wanted a future with you he would want to take on your DD and love her as she is part of you. But he doesnt want to pay more as your DD is not his? Thats not very loving/caring is it?I think you’d be better off without him frankly. Think you and your girl deserve better.

funkylittleboatrace · 22/03/2019 23:26

Why just why he sounds like a cunt.

beenwhereyouare · 22/03/2019 23:44

You know that he's being terrible to you at times. The instances where he's good to you will probably not get more frequent, but the bad times will almost certainly get worse and more frequent.

So no help there. BUT, I use Simple Solution Extreme for laundry and cleaning. We had an older dog that became incontinent and found this cleaned best. I buy the Extreme and dilute for spray or sponge cleaning. Cheaper that way.
And someone mentioned disposable pads for the bed and pull-ups. They would really help with the odor and make a lot less clean-up for you.
I buy it from Amazon here in the US, but it's available at pet supply stores too.
www.amazon.co.uk/Simple-Solution-Extreme-Stain-Remover/dp/B0041L33ZS?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Good luck to you. Please make a decision based on what is best for you and your daughter, not just now, but in the future. Do you really want to be treated this way? Don't end up 40 years from now wondering why you put up with it so long.
💙

scatteredglitter · 22/03/2019 23:47

I think there s a lot of red flags around controlling manipulative behaviour here.
Also while your daughter s bed wetting is not unusual at 7, are you sure none of it is stress related from your p s comments ?
I think you should leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2019 23:52

Why are you subjecting your child to such a horrible man? How sad and pathetic.