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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To stay or to leave? HELP

67 replies

Charstar92 · 22/03/2019 18:37

I will get straight to the point...
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, lived together for 1 year 3 months of that. I have a 7 year old daughter.
When he first moved in, I was in a bad place, with my landlord evicting me and had just lost my job. He moved from another city and did not have a job to come to. He used his savings to help feed us and gas and electric. He also said I could use his car as mine had failed MOT (He doesn't have licence) basically he helped me a lot.

Skip forward 6 months, we were both working and had moved into a new house. He said he would only pay £300 towards the bills as my daughter was not his and he felt that he was a "lodger". I accepted this but then it leaves me with no money once I've paid the bills. He then always moans that I never have any money to go out together/buy things. He then says he is stressed because he works and just comes home.

He recently has accused me of cheating on him whilst I'm at work because I "felt different" one night and said there was no other explanation. I then changed my number and deleted my social media to "prove" nothing was going on

My 7 year old also has a problem with bed wetting. As you can imagine, her room can become very smelly as its only a small room too. I've tried lots of different things to help, including taking her to doctors and school nurse. They have said she will grow out of it. However, other half said I should punish her as she doesn't respect me and she's being lazy. I disagreed and he said that he will leave if it doesn't change. He tells me what to say to her but has no direct input. Don't get me wrong, he does have a good relationship with her.

Another issue we mostly go through is that "I don't pull my weight". In the week, I take him work, drop daughter to school, and go work. I then finish, pick him up, drop him off, pick up my daughter, and go home. I finish work at 4.15 and don't get home until 6.30 by the time I've done that. He then expects me to come home, help cook, wash up, keep on top of laundry but also spend time with him and not go to bed in till 12! When he gets home from work he wants to "chill" and help cook because he's had a long day. At a weekend he will get up and demand we start cleaning because most nights of the week I'm too tired to tidy up with no help. I get next to no time to spend with my daughter myself or my friends. I haven't seen my friends in so long as I feel guilty if I go out with them because he says I'm leaving him on his own.

I'm going to stop as I've rambled on.

I live this man so much because when its good, its real good. But I can't keep living like this. I feel like I don't know what to do. I've spoke to a few people and they say he seems to be controlling but I don't know? Love is blind I guess?

Any advice on how to deal with this would be so appreciated. Any questions. Please ask!!!

OP posts:

motherlondon · 23/03/2019 11:12

If you can't do it for yourself, leave for the sake of your daughter. Anyone who threatens to punish a kid for bed wetting is a prick.

WitsEnding · 23/03/2019 11:21

He accused you of cheating for no reason, didn't believe your answer and got you to delete all your social media? That's a huge sign that he's controlling you and thinks nothing of you as a person.

That's not a relationship I'd want my children to see. I agree with pp about his attitude to your daughter, but chuck him out for yourself. He won't get lodging anywhere else for £300 a month. He's exploiting you and trying to justify it to himself by making out that you don't deserve him.

You deserve so much better.

Blanca87 · 23/03/2019 13:44

For fuck sakes, get a grip woman. He is a cunt to your child but it's okay because he is sometimes alright and gives you a compliment.

MumsyJ · 23/03/2019 15:32

I wet the bed even until my first year in secondary school. OP's DP, eat your friggin' heart out!

ChristmasFluff · 23/03/2019 16:33

this man is totally horrible and an abuser, and is trying to turn you against your daughter. It really is time to choose, because if you don't, by default you are choosing him over your daughter and her well-being. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

Pull-ups won't make her 'lazy', that's a total myth. At 7, she will feel shame at being wet, and her desire to be dry won't change if you use night-time pull-ups. If there is a family history of being late to get night control, then there's no point fighting biology and genetics - just make life easier for yourself and her.

and of course, the biggest contribution to that would be getting rid of the abuser.

CantStopMeNow · 23/03/2019 16:50

He said he would only pay £300 towards the bills as my daughter was not his and he felt that he was a "lodger"
Is his bane on the tenancy? If not then chuck him out.

CantStopMeNow · 23/03/2019 16:51

*name

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2019 16:57

But I can't keep living like this.

There's your answer.

And the 'when he's good it's really good' is actually a really chilling thing to read. There are many threads on RL board about people who have been in abusive relationships. We all stayed because when it was good, it was great. It wasn't really. It was just relief that for a little while, your partner decided to act like a decent human being. But you were still on eggshells waiting for when it will inevitably flip again.

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2019 16:59

he only does and says things to make me a better person.

Oh yes, that too. All the criticism and destroying your self esteem is for your own good, he only does this to help you to improve. He's just such a textbook example.

SconesandTea · 25/03/2019 10:37

So if you could find a way of living without him, you would? That might be what you need to think about while you are away, what you would need to make it happen.

Worriedwart18 · 25/03/2019 10:50

Would NOT let him have those disgusting views about my daughter. Lazy? Lodger? He can do one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2019 11:02

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and just what is she learning here from you and this interloper bloke?

All your words are words that an abused person would write.

He targeted you deliberately because your boundaries in relationships are shit and also because of your single mother status. He thought that such women are easy to abuse and are so desperate for male company that they would put up with anything, even abuse.

You and in turn your DD are being abused by this individual.

Your life as well as that of your daughter would improve dramatically if your abuser was not in the picture. There is nothing for you to sort out re him other than getting this man out of your lives.

Womens Aid would be worth contacting here as would enrolling yourself onto their Freedom Programme.

BusyHomemaker · 25/03/2019 11:04

This really resonates with me because I was in a similar situation - GET OUT!! Seriously! This man is controlling and it will only get worse and more difficult to leave him. You already know in your heart that this isn't right.

Don't tell him you plan on leaving until you are ready to go. Get your ducks in a row, as it were and then move on. If you want to stay and you need him to leave then perhaps ask a friend to be in the background while you tell him?

Good luck

Haffiana · 25/03/2019 11:06

OP give your head a wobble.

You are wittering on about trying to get him to see all that you do, trying to get him to admit that he is unreasonable etc etc.Because obviously if you can only get him to 'see' how much he is upsetting you he will of course instantly change, won't he...?

No. This is not a normal response. The response that a normal woman to a man who treated her like this would be 'fuck off out of my life'.

Why are you so needy that you imagine that a fucked up, sad relationship like this is worth it just for a few good moments? He KNOWS that he is making you unhappy, that he is stealing your money from you and your daughter. He KNOWS that and he is happy to continue.

He does not love you. He does not actually even like you. Deep down you know that perfectly well, but you are an abused woman - you live on the useless hope that he will 'change' if only he realises. He won't change because he is loving where he has got you.

And if you yourself do not love or even like yourself because you feel you are only really worth his pathetic occasional crumbs, then that makes two of you trapped in a fucked-up cycle of abuse.

Put yourself and your lovely daughter first. Get completely rid of him and then you need to do the Freedom Program so that you don't end up here again with the next predator.

TacoLover · 25/03/2019 11:07

You moved in your boyfriend after 9 months? And he's being cruel to her? Your poor DD.

Ellisandra · 25/03/2019 11:11

Your daughter may be wetting the bed for physical reasons that she’ll outgrow. It’s also possibly that she wets the bed because her mental health is being fucked by living in a home where she witnesses abuse. Don’t think she doesn’t.

Please, speak to Womens Aid and start to open your eyes to what is happening here.

Scorpvenus1 · 26/03/2019 16:56

Sounds like he is not adult enough to have a proper relationship. And the comment regarding your little one was crass at best. Its not your responsibility to house him, kick him out and don’t allow a lodger. When moving in your meant to share the bills and rent. He sounds like a selfish one tbh and maybe a little jealous you had a child with another.
Then with the cheating comment he knows he’s taking the pi$$ and that someone could easily replace him and he is getting worried. Or the old saying cheater accuses the cheater either way I don’t think he deserves to get away acting like a teenager refusing to pay his mum lol.

Only person you need to be deleting is him tbh. Let him leave vile cruel little man. Thank god he doesn’t have kids is all I can say. Do you really want to be with a miserable bast*rd like that for your life?

The fact that he does this now and is a lazy POS then it wont get better, you sound like your keeping him.

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