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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To stay or to leave? HELP

67 replies

Charstar92 · 22/03/2019 18:37

I will get straight to the point...
I have been with my partner for almost 2 years, lived together for 1 year 3 months of that. I have a 7 year old daughter.
When he first moved in, I was in a bad place, with my landlord evicting me and had just lost my job. He moved from another city and did not have a job to come to. He used his savings to help feed us and gas and electric. He also said I could use his car as mine had failed MOT (He doesn't have licence) basically he helped me a lot.

Skip forward 6 months, we were both working and had moved into a new house. He said he would only pay £300 towards the bills as my daughter was not his and he felt that he was a "lodger". I accepted this but then it leaves me with no money once I've paid the bills. He then always moans that I never have any money to go out together/buy things. He then says he is stressed because he works and just comes home.

He recently has accused me of cheating on him whilst I'm at work because I "felt different" one night and said there was no other explanation. I then changed my number and deleted my social media to "prove" nothing was going on

My 7 year old also has a problem with bed wetting. As you can imagine, her room can become very smelly as its only a small room too. I've tried lots of different things to help, including taking her to doctors and school nurse. They have said she will grow out of it. However, other half said I should punish her as she doesn't respect me and she's being lazy. I disagreed and he said that he will leave if it doesn't change. He tells me what to say to her but has no direct input. Don't get me wrong, he does have a good relationship with her.

Another issue we mostly go through is that "I don't pull my weight". In the week, I take him work, drop daughter to school, and go work. I then finish, pick him up, drop him off, pick up my daughter, and go home. I finish work at 4.15 and don't get home until 6.30 by the time I've done that. He then expects me to come home, help cook, wash up, keep on top of laundry but also spend time with him and not go to bed in till 12! When he gets home from work he wants to "chill" and help cook because he's had a long day. At a weekend he will get up and demand we start cleaning because most nights of the week I'm too tired to tidy up with no help. I get next to no time to spend with my daughter myself or my friends. I haven't seen my friends in so long as I feel guilty if I go out with them because he says I'm leaving him on his own.

I'm going to stop as I've rambled on.

I live this man so much because when its good, its real good. But I can't keep living like this. I feel like I don't know what to do. I've spoke to a few people and they say he seems to be controlling but I don't know? Love is blind I guess?

Any advice on how to deal with this would be so appreciated. Any questions. Please ask!!!

OP posts:
Musti · 22/03/2019 23:52

He's controlling and abusing you and your daughter. You've no ties to him. Yes, he may have helped you out but he's using that now to control you and guilt you. You're losing your time and relationship with your daughter and already cabt see your friends either.

Leave him and you'll be far happier. Get pull ups for your daughter if it's a nightly thing and she'll either grow out of it or you need to get her checked by a doctor. My friend's daughter had poor bladder control and it was something to do with her kidneys and needed an operation.

liamhemsworthsrealwife · 23/03/2019 00:37

Well you're living with an abuser. You need to remove your daughter from the situation ASAP. Trying to be gentle here op, but you moved a man you barely knew into your home with your child very quickly. That was not ok.

Jon65 · 23/03/2019 00:43

So what do you actually get out of the relationship?

toddle · 23/03/2019 00:46

They do fantastic re useable bed mats that lay on top of sheets. They can be washed/tumble dried and even swapped over in the night if one is wet and they wake. They are
Huge.

MumsyJ · 23/03/2019 01:38

Punish an innocent child for bed wetting? Aaarrrggghh! Just get rid of the manipulative idiot. People like him make me sick.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 23/03/2019 05:41

Has your daughter always wet the bed or did it happen recently....say 1 year and couple of months ago

Dirtybadger · 23/03/2019 05:50

Has your DD always wet the bed? Because if it started more recently it's a BIG red flag about something going on in her life.

In any case I got as far as "felt different" Hmm before I realised this guy is controlling and abusive. And then the bed wetting things. Absolutely vile bloke! Thank God he is a lodger.

Silversky70 · 23/03/2019 05:51

This is truly shocking. You are in an abusive relationship and must get him out asap. Please talk to your friends and family for help. This is not love. I fear for your daughter.

LynetteScavo · 23/03/2019 05:58

I'm the last person to post LTB on relationships threads...LEAVE.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/03/2019 09:03

Your DD may well stop wetting the bed if you ended the relationship.

No matter how much we think we're protecting our children from our dysfunctional choices, we aren't. They are the place where all the symptoms come out.

Original poster
Charstar92 · 23/03/2019 09:11

To clarify a few things...
She has always had problems bed wetting, it isn't since he's moved in. If anything it has got slightly better. She will go, at most, 7 days without wetting but then will wet every night for the next few weeks, she will then go dry for a day or so and then wet again almost every night. I've tried reward charts, giving her money each night she doesn't wet, getting her a new toy etc. I've tried getting her to change her bed herself if she wets and putting the sheets in the washing machine and hanging them to dry but it doesn't seem to phase her? I wet until I was 9, and my dad was 14Blush so it could run in the family. I was told not to use pull ups as they can encourage her to just wet the bed. But that is one thing I haven't actually tried? So maybe it's worth giving it a go.

With regards to my partner, I did know him for a year before we got into a relationship so I didn't just move a stranger in. I introduced him slowly to my daughter to make sure I was making a good decision. We went out together etc, and that's why I say he does have a good relationship with her...as I said there are good times with us, but a lot of the time I feel as though I tread on egg shells. He has helped me a lot and says he only does and says things to make me a better person. That's where I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/03/2019 09:15

You are not stuck

Treading on eggshells is never a good thing put your daughter first and go he is not the right person for you

Silversky70 · 23/03/2019 09:18

says he only does and says things to make me a better person

Well it's bullshit isn't it. You don't need someone to make you a better person.

There is only one thing to do and that is leave this abuser. Why are your standards so low for yourself?

You must start to build a network of people up around you.

If abusers were horrible all the time then they wouldn't be in relationships. Mine insisted I sit down the minute I got in from work, he'd wait on me, serve me dinner on a tray, give me the remote controls etc. It's an act, they can't maintain it.

LittleCandle · 23/03/2019 09:22

My DD wet the bed (huge bladder issues) and it was always worse when XH was at home (worked away for weeks at a time) because he shouted at her during the night. It was not something she was doing deliberately. Your DD sounds like mine - it is not that unusual and while exhausting and embarrassing, keep supporting her and it will stop. My DD was 17 when she finally stopped wetting the bed regularly.

As for your partner - why are you with him? Honestly, he sounds vile. I know how scary and difficult it is to think of leaving, but he isn't adding anything to your life, he is only taking from you. Get shot of him. You'll get extra help from benefits as a single parent and you'll find you won't miss him. What is it about him that you think you love? Please, think about your DD - he is trying to alienate you from your child - and about yourself and leave. And whatever else you do, don't get pregnant!

GreenTulips · 23/03/2019 09:23

He’s not making you a batter periwinkle though is he?
He’s making you do all the work and pay all the bills and in return you tread on eggshells and worry about DD

How’s that going?

BillyGoatGruff007 · 23/03/2019 09:30

he only does and says things to make me a better person.
Who made him the boss of you ?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/03/2019 09:43

I stand by my original statement.

hannahbanana2007 · 23/03/2019 09:44

I know this is not the topic you are asking for help with but you mention you have seen doctor and school nurse but have either of them ever referred you to enuresis clinic? In my case, it was one of the health visitors who ran a monthly clinic as her specialty area and it was amazing. Main points were to cut out blackcurrant squash as irritant to bladder, we monitored urine output over 24 hours and found my son didn't wee enough so he had to massively up his liquid intake during the day, this stretched the bladder muscles so that over time his bladder capacity was increased and would be able to hold a night's worth of urine, and once we had taken those steps and urine output satisfactory we also were loaned an enuresis alarm to start training the brain to wake as soon as they start to wee. In two months we sorted it and while he still has the very occasional accident it's once every 3 months rather than every night. And your partner sounds horrifically unsupportive, I think you sound like you would be far happier without pandering to his every whim x

Original poster
Charstar92 · 23/03/2019 09:48

I deffo won't be getting pregnant! I'm on the depo injection and I don't want any more children right now! My daughter is more than enough lol.

I'm going to take her to buy some pull ups today and some pet spray to hopefully get it sorted! I'll have a conversation with her before hand to explain why we're doing this.

As for partner-he can be caring and loving, he does buy me gifts (I am not materialistic btw!) He does want to spend time with me, and not be out with his friends, he makes me laugh in ways nobody else has. He does try and support me with some things and give advice, although sometimes it feels like he's telling me what to do. He does sometimes cook what I like. He can lift me up when I'm down, and compliment me. But it's like he only does it when he feels like it?

I'm debating wether to go and stay at my mum's for a week and do nothing for him to see if he can appreciate what I do. We're due to go away on Friday as its his birthday at the weekend so it could be good timing? I leave tomorrow until Friday when we go away and perhaps sort things out while we're away?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charstar92 · 23/03/2019 09:54

They haven't, as both saying it's still normal at her age. Go back when she's 8 and then they will refer her for further tests. I've tried upping her fluid and the school been giving her more regular drinks but it seems to make no difference. Even tried limiting her drinks, doing the 2 wee's before bed time thing. Feel like I've tried everything but pull ups so time to give them a go!

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 23/03/2019 09:54

He 'sometimes' does things for you, or cooks what you like? It sure is only when he feels like it and probably to keep you off balance so he can continue to be a total tosser the rest of the time.

I hate to tell you this, but he won't appreciate you more if you go away for a while. He will blame you for making his life difficult and then will act like a child while you are away. He is not going to change and the small abuses will only get bigger.

Go and stay with your mum. Be honest with her about your relationship and listen to what she says to you. She will have your best interests at heart. I am sure that you will find that you feel completely different when he is not there and you are waiting to see what is going to happen next. Please act on that and get rid of him. He is not doing you any favours. Look up the freedom programme online as well. It will open your eyes.

Heratnumber7 · 23/03/2019 10:05

LTB. The tension in the house could well be contributing to your daughter's bed wetting.

Musti · 23/03/2019 10:16

It sounds like he makes you work for his niceness. Uoure on eggshells because you don't know what version of him you're going to get. He is abusive and controlling. Maming you feel guilty for spending time with your child or friends is not on. It isn't right. It's alienating you from your sources of support and something that's a common theme amongst abusers.

Accepting him being abusive to your child or about your child when it's a little girl bot being able to control her bladder is chilling. What happens when she's older and its other stuff? Children aren't perfect and through the years there will be lots of stuff that needs to be dealt with love and patience and not threats and abuse. You must take your child out of that environment.

The nice things he does for you is what should be normal all the time in any relationship, and it shouldn't be just sporadic when you've earned it after you're walking on eggshells the whole time.

nakedscientist · 23/03/2019 10:32

Your relationship is newish, the 'nice' bits will reduce. You are being isolated from your friends. Have you moved further away from your friends and family?

You are being financially controlled. You are being emotionally manipulated.It's not normal to have a partner teach you " how to be a better person".

He is being cruel to your DD.

You need to seek support and get away.

Windygate · 23/03/2019 10:51

He isn't a good man and is abusing you and your child. Find your self respect, kick out the lodger and most important protect your daughter. Stop justifying his abusive behaviour.

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