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Original poster

AIBU? Is it normal for my best friend to text my fiance?

77 replies

beewritesx · 22/03/2019 11:57

My fiancé came home the other day and told me that my best friend had texted him asking him what he was up to? He thought it was odd but brushed it off and said that she probably meant to text someone else. Anyway, he replied ("Just heading home, why?") and she texted back saying she was bored … so it obviously wasn't meant for somebody else! I decided to leave it and saw her the next day, but she didn't mention anything and I didn't want to bring it up. I know she's had a relationship with a married man before so with that in the back of my mind, I really don't know what to think. Maybe it was totally innocent but it just seems odd. Doesn't help that she's always talking about men that want her & how she's sick of being single. She also talks to him about her love life and asks him why other girls are so nasty to her. Deep down, she's very insecure and has been through a lot of sh** which is why I've tolerated it, but to be honest, my patience is starting to wear thin. I dunno. AIBU?

OP posts:
whataremyoption · 22/03/2019 13:59

If it seems weird to you, then it's weird. Only you know their relationship. My husband and best friend would text each other and her boyfriend and I would. But that's our dynamic. Another friend of mine, it would be odd for her to text my husband and vice versa.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/03/2019 14:02

Confused fishing for sex? Be confrontational? She's not your friend! - gosh, very extreme replies about someone you've literally never met and know nothing about.

I don't think I'd assume any of the above OP and I think you sound like you have the balance right on the matter at the start; it's potentially a little off, but she has popped up to say hello and asked a fairly innocuous question, not sent him nudes and asked if he wants to start an affair Confused.

If you separately don't trust her or don't like things about her then don't be her friend anymore, but I'm not sure this in itself is evidence of a great deal. I wouldn't care if a friend messaged DH really, he didn't have to reply but chose to reply at the end of the day, but you aren't suggesting that is 'weird' that he did so? You're all mutual friends/acquaintances of sorts anyway surely.

You can't really critique her for being insecure if you also are, and are logging past statements of hers to form a narrative that she might be after your partner etc.
Nobody here knows whether she fancies him or not or just wants to be friendly or just wants a bit of male attention and is looking in the wrong place. It's good that your fiance told you about it but he could have told her it was weird himself if he has wanted, or not replied. He clearly isn't interested in her anyway so why cause a row over it? I certainly wouldn't cause a scene, and you are running the risk of it all seeming a bit teenage and possessive.

purpleboy · 22/03/2019 14:05

Tell her in a nice way that next time she is bored she can always text you for a chat.

alonerinlona · 22/03/2019 14:16

"Hey 'friend", is everything okay? OH told me you text him yesterday which was a bit weird so he wanted me to check you were alright"

You need to let her know your fiancé told you and that you both think her texting is odd.

Backseatonthebus · 22/03/2019 14:53

Nip it in the butt!

Sorry to derail, but that did make me laugh.

girlwithadragontattoo · 22/03/2019 15:11

Usually I'd say there probably just chatting and wouldn't bother me. But i think she's crossing a line, she knows exactly what she's doing!
I'd confront her and ask her what she's playing at

BertrandRussell · 22/03/2019 15:41

If you don’t trust your dp, dump him. Life’s too short.

Lemoneeza · 22/03/2019 15:48

better friends are available. this one sounds well snakey.

AnxietycanFoff · 22/03/2019 16:09

Yes, I would NOT be happy about this.

Unless they were really good friends before you got together or were texting about birthday/Xmas presents or parties etc, then it's just not right.

To echo what others have said, it very much sounds like she wants some attention. If she's really insecure and attention seeking, perhaps recieving attention from her best friends husband, is almost like the ultimate for giving her a confidence boost. Like a challenge perhaps. If she can get his attention, then she must be irresistible Hmm

dustarr73 · 22/03/2019 16:11

@BertrandRussell The dp is not at fault.He told the op.I think you need to say it to her.Get her over,ask her in front of him.See what she says.

NabooThatsWho · 22/03/2019 16:14

"Hey 'friend", is everything okay? OH told me you text him yesterday which was a bit weird so he wanted me to check you were alright"

Yeah, I would do this.

Needsomebottle · 22/03/2019 16:44

Well my DH and I are about to go meet friends at the pub. The wife of the two is still at work so I text the husband to check plans. I felt a bit weird about that so yes.... Definitely v strange.

stressedbeyond123 · 22/03/2019 16:48

I have messaged my best friend's husband on occasion, but it is for a specific reason rather than a hey how you doing type of thing....i also know my best friend has messaged my OH to ask something.

Not an issue at all, however if a friend was to message OH to ask something mundane, that really they should ask me as their friend, i think i would be pretty peeved with that x

PleaseJustSayNo · 22/03/2019 16:52

Not going to lie, and I appreciate that this is more the exception than the rule, but I wouldn't give it a second thought if one of my OHs close friends messaged me

notacooldad · 22/03/2019 16:52

The title is is to normal to text best friends fiance is a bit misleading. It can be perfectly normal ( confirming group eat up times, saying that you are nesrlycstcsn event if you are expected, hospital updates etc) it's not the texting that is the issue but the content of the messages that is worrying.
In your shoes she would be downgraded from friend status!!

Musti · 22/03/2019 17:01

I've only texted my friend's husbands when I couldn't get hold of my friends (some are crap at answering their own phones so I get them through their husbands ') or for something specific.

Thatnovembernight · 22/03/2019 17:02

I’m another one that agrees this is definitely off and sounds very much like a fishing/testing exercise. It’s normal to text people about arrangements or about something specific I think but just random texts trying get conversations going? No. And ones that fish for compliments? Definitely no.
FWIW in the 6 months running up to my husband cheating on me I saw several messenger messages he’d sent (to other mum’s we know through our kids school!!!) and it was always this innocuous, vague stuff like ‘Hey x’ and ‘Hey you xx’ etc. Some replied with basic answers and some ignored it. This was on an iPad left out all the time so I wasn’t trying to catch him out. It is also how I discovered he was actually hooking up with someone. My point is, these seemingly innocent messages can be a precursor to trying something. I’d be extremely wary of this friend as it shows how much she thinks of you. Your fiancé sounds like a good one x

Raspberrytruffle · 22/03/2019 17:07

Your dp should reply hes busy spending time with you when your friend asks what hes up to.

Grumpelstilskin · 22/03/2019 20:07

OP, she is not your best friend!

Petalflowers · 22/03/2019 20:12

I think it partly depends on their friendship in the past. If they have known each other a while, and have had text communications before, then not weird.

However, he they are only friends because he’s your bf, and they don’t have an independent relationship separate to you, then that is weird.

whywhywhy6 · 22/03/2019 20:14

I’d message her, as others have suggested, and say “So, you were bored the other night huh? So you message DP?”

Then to be honest, I’d give her a very cold shoulder for a very long time and maybe forever. She is not a nice person generally and you don’t need to be “keeping a close eye” on someone you should be able to trust 100%.

TheGodmother · 22/03/2019 20:15

She's 100% sniffing around to see what his reaction is. She's no friend of yours, I'd stop seeing her.

This ^

SweetbutaPsycho · 22/03/2019 20:20

Just ask her. Act nonchalant like "fiance said you messaged the other day. everything ok? He was thinking you might want to talk to me?" She possibly seen him out and about and was suspicious on your behalf? If that's the case she will just tell you that. If she is cagey or you get a bad vibe. Tell her you don't trust her and want nothing to go with her so she better not get in touch with you or fiance again.

boosterrooster · 22/03/2019 20:41

I'd go with what someone else suggested..."you must have been very bored the other day if you're messaging fiance" and I'd be inclined to say something like "pity coz I was free all day, you should've called me for a catch up" or the likes just in case it was totally innocent or like someone said, in case he just popped up as showing as active on FB. Or if she is up to no good at least she'll know that you know and that your fiance was good enough to tell you.

Orange6904 · 22/03/2019 20:56

The thing that's worrying is her not mentioning it and her going on about not being attractive or whatever. I'd be worried about that.

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