Mumsnet has helped me realise how common emotional abuse is. Would anyone care to share their EA story?

[sammatanga]

I'll start...

My ex was emotionally abusive towards me. He made me feel fat during and after pregnancy. Used me for childcare and school runs. Criticised what I wore, my hair, the music I listened to. Refused to support me through my maternity leave financially so I had to pay 50% of the bills still on SMP. Punched things. Swore at me. Was very aggressive and made me feel extremely small.

I had no idea this was abuse. I can actually say that 100% that without mumsnet, I don't think I would've known to call women's aid and I don't think I would be in a strong position like I am now. It's still incredibly hard, but it took me reading someone else's story, seeing everyone stating that it was abuse, and thinking 'hang on though, that's me...'

Does anyone else who is happy to care to share their EA stories? I know it seems an odd thing to do so no need to share if it's too hard...

Oh you will not find an abuser who will admit they were abusive. You either imagined it, remember it all wrong or misinterpreted everything.

I happened to pick up a leaflet on domestic abuse in a GP waiting room. I read it and could suddenly see my H’s behaviour for what it was. It’s not normal to dread them coming home incase you’ve cooked the wrong thing (the burnt chips resonated), haven’t bought the right thing, haven’t parented in a certain way (I ‘over-love’ the children apparently) etc etc.

At the start of our relationship he joked I had a pea sized brain. I thought it was something he found endearing. Of course it lead to me being brainless, lazy, stupid, and these days I get called a cunt on a weekly basis.

I’m extracting myself slowly, my self esteem is on the floor but I will get there. So happy to see lots of you have gone through this to be happier on the other side x

My ex was weirdly controlling and EA in many ways, you he used sex as a weapon. Would say he didn’t really enjoy it or comment causally about my body being unattractive (despite my being the more attractive partner for sure!)

He was also obsessed with educating me (he was older and felt that I was woefully lacking in general knowledge). I remember one evening we were sat at his eating and having a glass of wine, when in conversation it became clear that I didn’t know all three counties that bordered his home county (which was far away, not where I was from and there’s no reason I would have known- who knows what counties border each other?!) Appalled, he got up, got a pen and paper and drew out an outline of the U.K. and the counties and told me to try and fill them all in!!!! Worst part about it is that I did it (not very well) and sat there and took it while he called me a moron.

Wow, had forgotten what a lucky escape I had from that bellend!

HeyCarrie, did he also happen to be a quizzer?

PicsInRed he did fancy himself as a bit of a quizzer, yes. I hope you didn’t have the dubious pleasure of going out with him too.

Ha! No, I had my own quiz master. I just read your post and KNEW. They aren't as unique as they fancy themselves to be. 🤣

Mine used to without fail after I made a comment or statement, say 'erm not really' if we were in company just to disagree with me or put me down. When asked to explain why not really he had no response.

So many other things but of all of them, this was the one that did it for me.

Oh and if I was ill, he'd go and stay at his parents, a grown man.. Because I was boring and didn't ask me if I needed anything, food, drink, medicine, help.. When I pointed this out he said it was my fault for not telling him I needed help when I was laid up deleeious with flu. Then proceeded for the next 2 hours to argue about it despite me being really poorly.

Selfish twat. Riles me up just thinking about him.

I just thought his behaviour was just part and parcel of a marriage. My friends would moan about their other halves and I really did think what he did was 'normal' and just him.
He would accuse my BIL of fancying me, only to me but wouldn't dare say it to anyone one else. He would question why I had to message my family all the time. He would would rant and focus all his rage at me for things other people did that annoyed him. I felt like I had to diffuse situations all the time. I was like a hostage negotiator! He would flip out all the time at the slightest thing then that would be it. I was never afraid of physical violence and knew he would never lay a finger on me but my head was in tatters. I would be mentally exhausted!! Me and my kids would be walking on eggshells when he came home from work. He never helped with the children or housework as it was what women did and part of my job. I 'only' work part time as he would remind me. Any decision I would make would be dissected.
What made me realise what was really going on was an article in a magazine. As I was reading it it was like a game of snap and I kept thinking this is really not ok.
A year has gone by since we separated after being together for 20 years. I haven't felt as happy as I have in a long time.

Never physical violence, but sneaky, underhand emotional things which I still sometimes realise with a 'lightbulb moment', two years after we split.
Silent treatment; often never knew why. He would stay in bed, saying that he loathed himself. (Whilst still spending all day on Facebook, making himself sound like Mr Wonderful)

He would say things like "so.. what kind of a mother do you think you've been?" (Even though he was a drug taking pisshead) and let his children down time and again.

He constantly blew hot and cold, would make 'jokes' about me in company which got increasingly uncomfortable as the evening wore on, to the extent that other people were embarrassed.

Told me if I didn't up my game sexually then he would be forced to look elsewhere, (Even though he was hung like a hamster and selfish in bed)

I could honestly fill this thread up, and there were so many red flags waving right from the beginning, but he had a lot of people fooled..

He would ask me questions about spirituality (being such a guru himself!) and then tell me he didn't think he could settle with someone as 'base' as me, who didn't share his knowledge and wisdom.