Mumsnet has helped me realise how common emotional abuse is. Would anyone care to share their EA story?

[sammatanga]

I'll start...

My ex was emotionally abusive towards me. He made me feel fat during and after pregnancy. Used me for childcare and school runs. Criticised what I wore, my hair, the music I listened to. Refused to support me through my maternity leave financially so I had to pay 50% of the bills still on SMP. Punched things. Swore at me. Was very aggressive and made me feel extremely small.

I had no idea this was abuse. I can actually say that 100% that without mumsnet, I don't think I would've known to call women's aid and I don't think I would be in a strong position like I am now. It's still incredibly hard, but it took me reading someone else's story, seeing everyone stating that it was abuse, and thinking 'hang on though, that's me...'

Does anyone else who is happy to care to share their EA stories? I know it seems an odd thing to do so no need to share if it's too hard...

Were there any red flags, in hindsight, in the dating stages?

I learnt the term narcissism and gaslighting on mumsnet. Within a week I was gone from a 15 year on and off relationship. I just needed a label to explain all the fuckery as life was a constant fog. He ticked every single box on the profile of a narcissist. ALL. My biggest regret was wasting my youth with such a person. So damaging. I also learned I have co-dependancy issues by reading stuff on here. Honestly if I had known about mumsnet in my late teens, I would have halved half of the shit I went through. Knowledge is so powerful but so is affirmation. This board is useful.

Over self importance

Unstable relationships, esp with their mother

Lack of friends or people who care for them/they care for

Their attitude towards past girlfriends

Loads of examples from 2 relationships.

Would call me like a dog from another room if I was with friends.
Would coerce me into sex stuff even though he could see me crying.
Would ignore me for days if I did something he didn't want me to do, like seeing a friend he didn't like
Would say 'I know you've had sex with another man.' If I went out in the evening.

EddyF

Could not agree with you more!

I regret having children with this person. My children are young, they are innocent but already negatively effected by their father. I am also stuck in an abusive cycle with an ex husband and his girlfriend. Communication with him is beyond horrendous, it swings from text messaged and written verbal abuse to ignoring me for months on end. This is hugely detrimental as its essential that we have a certain level of communication as the children are so young.
I am powerless to delete the negative effect of the other parent as hes more than happy to involve the children in his manipulation and game playing. This makes me beyond sad, i love them so so much and still now carnt shake the thought that i could have prevented it if only i had realised what he was like before we had children.

From my own experience and the others here, I believe these men are exactly the sort who - in the -bad- worse old days would have their perfectly sane wife committed to an insane asylum just to be rid of her. Without a backwards glance. That's exactly these guys with just a little more power.

Wouldn't let me wear a winter hat because it made me look retarded
Gave me step by step directions for everything and had to check I'd followed: Buying things, talking to people, getting the bus. If he thought I hadn't done it right he would scream at me for being stupid and how much he had to put up with.
Faked a stroke when he thought I'd cheated (I hadn't) and got taken to hospital. When they said there was nothing wrong he dropped the symptoms and stormed out.
Faked an allergy to tap water and made me buy bottled water to cook and clean and fill his bath with.
Broke my ornaments if I was out of the house too long
Threw away any of my clothes he thought I liked too much
Would come into the bathroom and throw iced water over me in the bath
Hid my passport
Told me his friends hated me (I found out later they had never said that)
I worked 11 hour days but would have to come home and cook from scratch at 9pm because he wouldn't turn the oven on
Would take literally every penny I had if he wanted a night out.
I had a night out once in two years and he called me non stop either sobbing that he was going to kill himself, or that he knew I was cheating, then when I got home he set fire to my cat.
I could go on for days!

PicsInRed I absolutely agree! I've often thought that.

I haven't been in an abusive relationship as such but I do see my past relationships through a very different filter now that I'm aware of all the behaviours.

My first love was a beautiful, film obsessed indie boy from a gorgeous family. His parents were absolutely wonderful, and his siblings funny and creative like him. It was like living in a beautiful dream, apart from the feeling shite part.

He did lots of low level stuff, mainly sulking to get his way. I can't forgive him for causing me to lose a wonderful friend, who basically gave up on me. I'll never forget going to her 21st birthday party with him. He became ill and we had to leave. Nothing got through to me. Not her look of utter disgust when I told her we were leaving. Not his symptoms which miraculously vanished after we left the pub. Not the fact that we lived two streets away and he was capable of walking on his own.

I was in an absolute fog. I'm so bloody embarrassed now. I still have fond memories of him though, and I suspect that his more recent girlfriends will have delivered a swift kick to the bollocks and told him to bloody behave. I hope so anyway, he was too lovely to live as an immature dick forever.

I was with my ex for 11 years. I'm 32 now. Mine wasn't as dramatic as a lot of the ones here but I think maybe it's worth sharing. Either he loved me and wanted to marry me, and then 5 minutes later I was unstable and he could never marry me. He would go out for 3 days and not come home but if I dared say anything he would say 'why would I want to come home to you' 'you're so controlling, you're lucky I put up with it'. He would play computer games for hours on end, then watch porn on the sofa after I'd gone to bed and then pass out. If I dared to say anything about it, he would call me names, punch walls, break furniture and then the next day act like nothing had happened or that I only had myself to blame. He would complain about what I cooked for dinner every single night. And make comments like 'you need to learn to cook properly, I mean you have a child now' 'how can you mess this up so badly' 'am I supposed to eat this' and if I dared respond in anything other than I'm sorry he would shout in my face, punch things, push me etc etc. And he was never like this in front of others. He put the 'great guy' act on in front of everyone else. In the end I got to the point where I was fearful of saying anything, let him do whatever he wanted because it was my fault he was doing it anyway. Didn't ask where he'd been when he didn't come home for 3 days because then I'd be needy, insecure and controlling. Which I obviously was 🙄. He would give me silent treatment for days for literally no reason. And once I was suitably upset he would then just act like nothing had happened. What's worse is I thought I was lucky he put up with ME. Fucked up. In the end he left me for someone else and I was a mess. It was only talking to friends and family who I hadn't been able to really see that I realised it wasn't a normal relationship. And that it wasn't me.

It's incredible that so many people act this way towards their partners. I wonder what makes people like his. If there's maybe a commonality...

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. I am desperate to share the list of things my ex did to me because I an constantly convincing myself "maybe he wasn't that bad?" - this definitely helps me realise that it was not normal behaviour. I can't share because I'm too scared he will somehow read it and go crazy. Or someone I have confided in will be on here. It's a shame as I could use some unbiased opinions!

@ItsAMiracle2015 it's definitely worth sharing. I don't think you should minimise the behaviour because it isn't as dramatic as others' experiences. What happened was real and all abuse is bad. I'm glad you're out of there now.

@sammatanga it's amazing how freeing it feels. And how relaxing it is!! My life was crazy for so long, and so up and down that I didn't know what normal is!! We still have to co-parent as we have a 4 year old together but whenever I have to see or speak to him I use the grey rock method and it has helped enormously!

@sammatanga You don't have to share and it doesn't matter if it wasn't all that bad – because (a) you're allowed to leave any relationship at any time for any reason. And (B) The fact you still have to question "was it that bad?" and need the validation of unbiased opinions means that yes, it was that bad: he's done a number on your head, meaning you've forgotten point (a) and question your judgement/question your value.

I hope that makes sense! Basically every time I find myself asking the same question I think: who's doing the thinking here, me or twatface him?

I think I know deep down that it was bad. The thing that upset me most was when he took my son out of my arms after I had given birth to him and gave him to his 7 year old daughter to give him a bottle, even though I said it was inappropriate, he was a few hours old and poorly and struggling to feed. He snapped at me and took him from me and put him in his daughters lap, he took the bottle out of my hand and I just sat there and sobbed. He said 'why are you crying?' - I pretended I was happy to see my son and his sister together. I still have the photos on my phone that he sent me later that evening of the three of them giving him a bottle.

Even the midwife came in later to tell me that she wasn't comfortable with a 7 year old giving him a bottle as he wasn't very well, I had to record everything he ate, and I was trying to establish breastfeeding so should've been feeding him whilst doing skin to skin. This fell on deaf ears. The midwives know nothing apparently.

That's probably a bit too outing but never mind.

There is a common theme. Personality disorders. My ex 100% has one. Look it up it answered many many of my questions. Also a checklist to identify if someome has it!

My ex pretty much ruined all important event's, birth of the children, birthdays, Xmas. Of course he always led me to belive ot was someone rlses fault.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you have had a shit time. I am only realising the depth of the hurt and pain an EA relationship has had on me two years out. Now I am getting more serious in a new relationship its thrown up a lot of insecurities.

When we were first dating (I was 17, together for 21 years), I didn't really notice it. Although from very early on I realised he had bad moods and was what I now see as controlling (then I just thought he was crazy mad about me). I should have left him once we first moved in together and I caught him kissing a mututal friend. I didnt. I stayed. Then I fell pregnant, lost the baby. Decided all I wanted to be was a mum, so the next few years I felt the relationship was ok. It wasnt really.

Things he always did: never acknowledged if I needed either emotional of physical support. When I had my MC he didnt come to any appointments or the hospital with me (I need a D&C 6 weeks later). He would shout at me if I asked him for help. He would always comment on what I was wearing. Little things like "are you wearing those shoes with that" or "did you buy that dress/top when you were with your mum". Snidy digs a lot of the time, chipping away at my self esteeem. I always felt like he felt he was doing me a favour, even related to the kids. We did have fun and during this time I do believe I loved him. But I longed for a more loving supportive relationship, and the moods did affect me. I used to run around at 4pm to get the house straight as he'd be back at 5 and asking me what I had done all day (I used to work 13 hour shifts so had some days off in the week).

We moved abroad about 7 years ago with two kids under 4. He decided that depsite it not being the plan he would "retire" he left me to find the work, which I did. It was a good job which involved travel. He had to pick up more of the childcare, although as soon as I was not at work, he handed all that back to me. We live in a beautiful place, its like paradise. He still wasn't happy. Too lazy to get a job, too fed up to enjoy being at home. The emtional abuse worsened, it was daily. The fun times were peppered with anger, abuse etc. He would forget about it as soon as it came out of his mouth.

In the final year before i left, he screamed and called me a cunt in front of the kids as I dared to ak if I could go to the gym on a weekend. The gym was my only escape. He spat in my face. One drunken night he put his hands round my throat. Once I realised that the kids were picking up on his behavoiur and it was and would affect them for the rest of their lives I decided I had to leave. This and many many more things and I still felt maybe it "wasnt that bad". You see we are conditioned to it. Conditioned to forget about it after it happened, in the earlier years I would always be the one to apologise, just to smooth things over and try get on with our lives. He rarely if ever apologised. He felt entitled to be able to behave how ever he wanted.

He still tries to emotionally manipulate me, and he still can push my buttons. I cannot believe I was with him for so long and missed so many "red flags" in the early days. I wish mumsnet had been around then, it was posting on here that gave me the realisation I needed.

I am still broken by it, I have what I think is adrenal fatigue, but I am 100% happier now I have my freedom and not having every move scrutinised. One of the final straws for me was him standing over me telling me how to cook pizza. And then instructing me to be careful with the crumbs as he had only "cleaned this fucking house 2 hours ago". He has what I realise now, aside from just being a bully he also has OCD and anxiety (and an alcohol dependency). Its a perfect shit storm. He never expected I would leave him, not in a million years. The fall out since has been hard. I thought we might be able to be friends as when he wasnt being abusive, we got on well, similar interests, sense of humour etc. No way that will happen.

The hardest thing for me to deal with was my perceived guilt, I am a people pleaser and unfortunately always put my needs last. That is changing now, I realise I am just as important as anyone else but its taken a long long time. My eldest son can see him for what he is, my youngest seems a bit oblivious by it all. On the whole since I left they dont see the shit I get, and I am very proud of us all. They are wonderfully kind and caring boys and both very emotionally mature. If I had stayed, that might not be the case. In a way I left for them, I could not be party to them growing up like that and he sure as shit wasn't going to change. I feel pity for him now as he will end up a very lonely man. I believe he has probably got an undiagnosed personality disorder, and he needs serious help if he will ever be happy in the future. Sometimes I think he likes being miserable and sucking the joy out of everything.

Mine was a short one, and quite mild compared to other stories here, but I'm sure it would have escalated, if it had lasted longer.

• The correcting and criticizing. I had a postgrad degree and a good career, but suddenly felt stupid like a brick, as always seemed to get something wrong. Facts, opinions, grammar..always something. Of course he was just helping me, he never actually called me stupid. But I did feel I had to significantly improve to be worthy of him.

• kind suggestions that I should go to the gym more and make weightloss my New Year's Resolution. Always asking what I did at the gym, praising me if I ran long enough for his liking. For my own good again. I was not overweight.

• He didn't like my friends. He never said I should not see them, mind. But he was always in a bad mood and sulking if I did. So it was easier not to.

• the sulking and ignoring, He would manufacture an issue, and then not answer his phone. Then would call back maybe the next day like nothing had happened, after I had sent him a dozen messages apologising for whatever I had done wrong this time. Once I remember he ignored me after he called me 3AM, to inform me that he had bought himself a new ski suit and I can have his old one, and I was not sufficiently enthusiastic and grateful. I don't ski.

What is scary though - I thought our relationship was amazing. I was so in love. I would have laughed if you suggested I should leave him. It was the love of a lifetime - if I only managed to adjust my behaviour so I would not upset him all the time..

The entire relationship revolved around his moods. It was SOO AMAZING when he happened to be in a good mood and loving. I lived for those moments. They know that.

And still, I didn't think that there was anything wrong until I read a description about walking on eggshells here on MN. That's what it felt like. THat's not normal. I never feel like that with my lovely DH.

My DH would sulk, refuse to speak, shut his eyes and rub his forehead and ignore me. He'd receive a text message or whatsapp from me but not answer the message. He'd avoid telling me his work pattern/shifts so I would not know that he had a certain day off work so he could just spend the whole day watching tv or movies on the tablet. He'd claim he would have done laundry but there was no laundry liquid. He earned 30% more than ne, has cash, debits cards and credit cards. He drives and owns a car I am not insured to drive because it's special to him. He would claim I didn't make him feel special. He'd arrange to go out with his work friends and sometimes weekend trips with work mates but there was never any intention to go away with me for a weekend even if i asked months in advance. His excuse was or i don;t know what shisfts i'll have. I'd ask when his leave weas booked for and he'd be vague and say he'd need to check. the work rota was emaild to him days in advance but somehow the mates awy weekends could alwasy be planend an accommodated but never for me, his Wife. I'd ask him to tidy aawy personal papers and throw awy his rubbish (crisp bags and empty ready meal containers) and coffee cups but he'd say he'd do it later but never would. He expected me to do the food shopping as I drive and I'm passing the supermarket on the way home from work and he would have to get off the bus and could only carry x number of heavy bags. He could not cook but expected me to plan, buy, cook and clear up after evening meals. I would suggest asking his father over for a sunday meal but there would be the excuse that the work pattern was not yet definite and he'd need to check the rota first (again it was emailed to him days or a week in advance and he could check it any time of day or night) but he would not check it. He allowed his sister to decide to cut me out of her life and he would shrug his shoulders and claim there was nothing he could do as she has decided 'she's done with you'. When I asked what it was about he'd say 'don't expect me to get involved'. I still don't know what I did wrong. I would accommodate any plans to go to his family things (when we actually being invited but now the invitations have ceased.Our friends don't ask us to make arrangments anymore. I sometimes go out with our mutual friends on my own. He gives me the silent treatment and makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I have no idea what though.

I was re-training in a different career as well as working full-time and also doing the qualifying experience needed for the qualification. When I struggled to finish before the final course deadline and worked hard to acheive the qualification I told him I submitted everything and had passed and he said ''OK'.

He's now left me and I feel like it is all my fault

First boyfriend was 10 years older than me (I was 16 at the time) and pressured me into losing my virginity. He ended up raping me on more than one occasion, although I didn't know it was rape at the time because he was so kind afterwards. Never mind that I was asking him to stop and crying my eyes out. I ended it when he pushed me off a moving bus.

Second boyfriend I was with for a long time. He was massively EA but again, I didn't realise at the time. He ensured I never got a full night's sleep so I was sleep deprived all the time. When I would reach the end of my tether and shout at him for once again coming into the bedroom and switching on the light and slamming drawers until I woke up, he would claim I was mad; a screeching banshee.

He made me feel like everything I did was stupid or wrong. He would withhold affection. Ignore me. Make me feel small. He would gaslight and stonewall. Not want sex and making me feel dirty for wanting to talk about why we had no sex life. I remember getting a sexy outfit once and sending him a picture while he was in the pub, thinking he would rush home. About 4 hours later he walked in, pissed, totally ignoring the fact I had this outfit on. I felt ashamed and humiliated and ugly.

He lied to me about where he was a few times - those were the occasions where I caught him - and made me feel like a nagging moaning old cow when I questioned it.

He introduced me to weed and cocaine - I became hooked and he was my supplier (I have been clean since the day I threw him out). Whenever I would try and argue or talk about any issues I had he would roll me a joint to shut me up / chill me out.

He was unkind and uninterested in my emotions or issues, uninterested in making very small changes I requested that would make me feel less unhappy. He would blame my past and say I had daddy issues and that I wan't normal and needed help. Funnily enough, since he left I have not had a single mental health issue - I don't ever feel depressed or anxious.

He couldn't hold down a job, had issues with authority, hated women. He once walked out of a job when he found out his new boss was a woman. He was constantly trying to scam the officials whether it be housing benefit or going off on the sick and getting full pay etc. I was living a life of perpetual fear of not being able to pay rent and bills.

Oh yeah and he was violent towards me on more than one occasion.

He blames mumsnet 100% for our breakup. To an extent he is right - if it wasnt for MN I wouldn't have opened my eyes or found the strength to leave. On the other hand, he can't see that his behaviour was actually what ended our relationship. But oh well, whatever.

Did anyone else find that when they told their ex partner that they were abusive, they just laughed, and genuinely didn't consider their behaviour to be wrong? I'm finding this with my ex now. He's not seeing his son as I am scared to be in the room with him and it will have to go through the court. He thinks I'm being difficult and thinks I need to 'forget about the past' - I'm so confused.

The last thing I ever said to my ex-boyfriend was "I do not want to hear from you at all, ever again. It is harassment." Six hours later I received a Dickens-novel-length email (before I blocked him from here to the moon) that began, "I'm sorry you think this is harassment; it's not. I think you've misunderstood my intentions, which are kind. I'm afraid I have no choice but to keep contacting you, for my own mental health."

So, yeah. Abusive abusers gonna abuse. Of course your ex won't admit it; and he might not even think aspects of his behaviour are wrong. Keep posting here, though. Don't let him confuse you, gaslight you, befuddle you.

@burritofan I already consider myself confused he's not seeing his son at the moment because I'm scared of him and DS is breastfed, but I've been advised not to be in the same room as him. I actually feel guilty about this but deep down I know we have to do it properly through court. He doesn't get that you can be scared of someone who doesn't hit you! He thinks abuse = psychical. It's sad really.

Please don't feel guilty. You're protecting your son and yourself. Going through court is exactly the right thing and the best thing for the two of you. You don't owe him an explanation and it's not your job to explain his behaviour to him and get him to understand.

My ex was the same. One time when he was leaning over me, yelling, red in the face, spittle flying, I said he was scaring me. And he roared, "How dare you, I'm not one of those men! I would never hit a woman or scare her!"