Mumsnet has helped me realise how common emotional abuse is. Would anyone care to share their EA story?

[sammatanga]

I'll start...

My ex was emotionally abusive towards me. He made me feel fat during and after pregnancy. Used me for childcare and school runs. Criticised what I wore, my hair, the music I listened to. Refused to support me through my maternity leave financially so I had to pay 50% of the bills still on SMP. Punched things. Swore at me. Was very aggressive and made me feel extremely small.

I had no idea this was abuse. I can actually say that 100% that without mumsnet, I don't think I would've known to call women's aid and I don't think I would be in a strong position like I am now. It's still incredibly hard, but it took me reading someone else's story, seeing everyone stating that it was abuse, and thinking 'hang on though, that's me...'

Does anyone else who is happy to care to share their EA stories? I know it seems an odd thing to do so no need to share if it's too hard...

Title is meant to say 'ea experience'

Mine was the most narcissistic person I've ever come across. I've never thought of myself as a push over but when I look back now I am shocked with how much I took. It's like I ended up believing him that I was so dumb and helpless that when I eventually got out I had to work so hard just to build my self esteem back up and to make myself understand it wasn't me, it was him.

He would just talk at me about the most ridiculous things. For example, say if I burnt some chips accidentally when cooking dinner, he would literally talk at me for hours as if I was a complete idiot who didn't know how to use an oven. If I zoned out or tried to change the conversation, I was ungrateful for the wisdom he was trying to bestow on me. Something so minor would turn into 4 hour long lectures about how I needed to be more mindful like him, and how he didn't want to be with someone who couldn't make the effort to change. Because if I couldn't make the effort to do that then I obviously didn't care enough about him.

I would get so desperate that I'd end up apologising frantically over burnt chips to the point where if anyone had heard, they'd have thought I had committed one of the deadly sins. It would then turn into days of me trying to make up for the way I was and hope that he'd be able to forgive me.

I've never felt so small as when I was in that relationship. I felt like a child, like I didn't know anything. I'd always been comfortable with my intelligence but here was this man explaining to me (quite convincingly too) how everything I'm doing is wrong, I felt so stupid by the end I was convinced there was something wrong with me.

I remember once going to watch a film at the cinema and I'd done something on the way (can't remember what but it would have been minor) and he refused to get out of the car because he needed to explain to me why what I'd done was wrong, we ended up missing the film because it was more important for him to 'teach me have to behave properly'.

Oh btw, I'm now with a DH who'd be happy if I burnt tea because he'd be able to order Chinese instead the more I remember about my ex the more I just want to hold onto to DH now and never let go.

@ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe I'm so glad you got out, and it gives me hope knowing you're happy now. I feel so incredibly free now but terrified to meet anyone else. I also have a baby son so nobody will be touching me with a barge pole for a while, but that's ok. I'm still in a bit of a haze. Thanks for sharing!

My first proper long term boyfriend used to stonewall, which I didn’t know was a thing then. I also used to always be the butt of his jokes and if I felt bad it was because I “couldn’t take a joke” which I believed

@LemonJuiceandSugar I've never heard of stonewalling, but my ex did/still does the 'you're being sensitive' 'you can't take a joke' 'lighten up' thing to me. It's draining.

It’s worth reading about stonewalling. It leads to you apologising for things you never did wrong - yuck

@LemonJuiceandSugar weirdly, I used to be the one that went quiet. But not for control reasons. He was so unreasonable to the point that anything I said was wrong. I could've been handing him a million quid but he'd still get angry. I just stopped opening my mouth. More because I was scared.

Mine did a lot of things. Too many, and many to intimate, to detail here. Across the gamut of abuse, really.

One thing he used to do was hold me hostage in a way that wasn't exactly illegal. Badger me quietly, but obviously, in public until I gave the "right" answer. Drive around and around until I gave the right answer (and he was ready to accept it), refuse to get ready to go out with me and our child, but then refuse to let me leave the house with our child when I got fed up waiting and decided to just get on with my day.

The worst was when he went very strange one night after yet another argument and grabbed out baby, almost the middle of the night, said he was taking our child out for a drive "to protect them from you". But I was calm, he was raging. His eyes were black as night, nothing there. Another man had just driven his children off a mountain, nearby, ex knew this. I still don't know if he was thinking of murder, or trying to terrify me, but I was terrified and begged on my hands and knees for ex not to take our child. He didn't think that was unusual, on the contrary, he obviously enjoyed my begging and fear.
I flashback to that moment often.

He always complained I put more food on my plate than him - even though I was ultra careful that I did not. (Infact the last time he said it that was what broke the camels back. I through the lot at him and left.

That I flirted with every one. Including the taxi drivers so I’d purposely walk home with bags of shopping.

That I always too soft or stuck up for my four year old over him

That he was the wronged party after he burnt my hand on a cooker and the ambulance men looked at him like shit and made him feel bad about himself

That I was going to shag my ex when I travelled to drop my dd off at her dads house. So I had to drop her off at her Nanas so I wouldn’t be alone with him.

That My friends all hated him and were trying to split us up.

Refused to visit my grandparents on Boxing Day when I was travelling to spend the day with them so I went on my own then created a massive argument because I’d left him on his own

When my lovely grandfather who was like a father to me died, my ex cried at the door when I was rushing to travel to my grandmothers because he thought I would come back and begged me not to go to see my heartbroken nan. I did though

Would start a row or go silent if there was a black man on the tv because he was convinced I’d cheated on him with a black friend.

Made me believe my mother had made a pass at him and wouldn’t go it to specifics but dangled it over me in arguments

Left the hospital to come and get me when his nan was dying (I did not ask him) but by the time we got back to the hospital she had died. I got blamed for that so he Smashed my Christmas tree to bits and strangled me. Because he was upset

Ran after the car down the street crying his eyes out when I went back to collect my stuff. Which was awful.

I could go on all night.

Worst period of my life.

He would just talk at me about the most ridiculous things. For example, say if I burnt some chips accidentally when cooking dinner, he would literally talk at me for hours as if I was a complete idiot who didn't know how to use an oven.
God this is horribly familiar. I remember buying a nice vintage-style radio for the kitchen, and it didn't work. Said I'd take it back and get a different one – John Lewis, would be easy as pie. He said, "Right, when you say that, tell me how you're going to take it back?" He made me repeat step by step exactly what I would do – put it in the box, get the receipt, go to the shop, find a radio of equivalent value, have a staff member check that that that one worked, go to the counter with the broken radio, new radio and receipt... On and on and on. And when I'd explained it all to his satisfaction, he repeated it all back to me in his words in case I was too stupid to be able to do it. And it was like that with everything.

He looked up how to make coffee using a stove top espresso maker and taught me. I'd been using one for 20 years. He didn't drink coffee! Refused to speak to me when I didn't do it his "better" way.

Silent treatment. "Why won't you do your hair the way I like it? It looks better that way." Telling me how to do my job then shouting if I objected. Dramatic migraines if I ever broached breaking up. Secretly doing me "favours" so in future he could throw it back at me: eg "You should stop walking around the kitchen as you cook, it's annoying. I stopped whistling for you, you owe me this." I'd never heard him whistle! Turning off the lights as I cooked because he didn't think I needed them. Taking sunglasses from my face in winter because his eyes were fine, mine should be too. Correcting my pronunciation constantly without responding to the content of what I was saying, only letting the conversation proceed if I agreed he was right. Telling me our relationship problems were because I'd had a breakdown. That I thought I could do whatever I wanted (go to a friend's 30th birthday party, idly want a holiday, take up yoga) and it was him who would pick up the pieces when everything went wrong.

He told me I was controlling, that I had "inflicted an inflexible rigid routine on our lives" by... working 10-5 each day and should change my hours. Made me promise that from waking up until 10am, lunch breaks, 5pm to bed, and weekends were his time; this in exchange for my being able to work – this was deemed not great, but it would "have to do, I suppose".

When I left him he sent me a 2,000-word text explaining I had broken up with him incorrectly and gave me a numbered list of the ways I should have proceeded, and said I would have to return – even though he didn't want me to – and follow the correct procedure, as laid out by him, which would only end in a break-up if both parties agreed.

Don't miss him!

Jesus burrito

Burrito just when you think youve heard it all...

And I thought I was the only one.... these examples are very very familiar.

I would get 2--3 hour lectures (even in the middle of the night - he'd wake me up) to point out how wrong I was about something. He would list my failings and get me to agree a strategy to improve them. I would end up agreeing to a diet and exercise regime, cooking from scratch every day, shopping daily, making sure the kids do their homework, playing with them for a set number of hours, greeting him at the door, cleaning the house daily.... I soon worked out the rules were there to keep me so busy I couldn't have a life outside of the home.

Then when I did get a job that took me away from the house, he made it so hard. Often he would be there to collect me when I finished and I am sure it was to check up on me. Eventually I began to work from home because it was easier. but still did everything for the kids and the house.

I took driving lessons and when I passed he refused to let me buy a car ( we could afford it) and sat me down to go through the finances to explain how it was impossible. but I had lessons for two years and they cost far more than car payments... when I pointed this out he told me I didn't have enough sense to understand finance (i worked in banking before I met him...)

I had to pretend to lose at trivial pursuit when playing as a family because he'd get upset that I knew more than him.

Hated me doing my craft because it took attention away. silent treatment for refusing sex or not enjoying it enough. told I was rubbish in bed. I have categorical evidence (from a few sources!!) that I am not!

yuk... could go on.

But now - 2.5 years out and sooooo happy. Fatter, unfit, cook what I like, wear what I like, go out when I like, work when I like... he would hate everything about me now. but I love myself more than ever.

mia and Mother, you know what's funny? (Only not .) My gut reaction to both your posts was "This does mean they're on my side, right? What if I'm wrong and he wasn't bad, I don't have to go back, do I?" It was 4 years ago and I live with a lovely man now and my brain still thinks that!

These stories are all awful. And like the OP, Mumsnet has opened my eyes (and shocked me, if I'm honest) to the sheer extent of this stuff, it's everywhere. Ugh ugh ugh. to you all.

Stonewalling isn't necessarily a gaslighting tactic. Stonewalling is a protest behaviour and often indicates the person you are in conflict with feels under threat. If you can resolve their threat to self you can resolve the syonewsll. It's bad communication but not necessarily abusive in any way because a skilled communicator can break a stonewall and encourage their partner to talk out their fears and understand why they don't feel able to express themselves in any way other than silence. There are lots of bad communication behaviours that appear in conflict.

Not that it can't be used abusively when the person is deliberately using silence, deliberately refusing to communicate. Shutting down any kind of resolution for the future. Just that stonewalling and other negative conflict behaviour isn't always abusive or meant that way. You have to understand the motive to tell whether it's wholly a failure on their part to communicate or that you aren't being a good active listener.

My xh was an absolute master of the silent treatment. Pretty much any time he was in the house. I couldn't speak unless spoken to or I'd be cut straight down. Then there was the epic sulks because I wasn't "performing to his standards".

I could say so much more about the dear xh 🤬

I’m trying to explain a stonewalling incident with my exH that happened almost as soon as we got together but it’s so difficult to explain. It was a test that set the tone for our relationship I think. He was a very clever man. We were friends and I didn’t want any more than that but he got into my head so much that I felt I had no choice but to be with him.

He had no interest in me sexually. He said it wasn’t personal, sex made him feel sick with anxiety.

He said that if I left him on his own, to do anything, but especially to see friends, then it would make him ill, he couldn’t be alone. He couldn’t join me with my friends as he might feel anxious. He was a very confident person at work and with his own friends.

He told me that I had no judge of people’s character, and if I met any new friends I had to run them by him first as he would see them for who they truly were.

He was addicted to video games. He wanted me always there in the home, but not in the same room as him as he was busy gaming and chatting. I spent evenings in the spare room on my own waiting until he told me it was time to go to bed.

If I ate or drank anything he didn’t approve of he would refuse to come near me saying I smelt bad. He didn’t approve of alcohol and I would occasionally have a glass of wine during my evenings in the spare room. He thought this was because I was an alcoholic, and told my family I had an alcohol problem.

I paid for everything. He moved in with me immediately and soon I had bailiffs turn up because he hadn’t paid council tax at his previous address. I borrowed money from my family to pay for him. He had an extravagant lifestyle when it came to technology. I ended up in court over my credit card debts as a result of funding everything. He didn’t come with me to court and his credit rating wasn’t affected. I narrowly avoided bankruptcy.

At our wedding I was so happy that some friends of mine had accepted their invitation after I hadn’t seen them for so long, because of my husband. I wanted to spend the evening celebrating with him and them. He said no and made me go home for a cup of tea and an early night. An early night to sleep, I remember feeling brave enough to initiate sex as it was our wedding night and I was rejected.

I married him because I thought no one else would ever want me. I had no judge of character remember, I couldn’t function without him.

I left him after a year of marriage because I wanted to have a child. He said we could try, even though he didn’t want sex, we’d set up a time to do it so we could hopefully have a baby. Thinking of the baby we could possibly have made me realise that I couldn’t bring an innocent child into this life. He told me the problem was with me, that I just couldn’t do relationships.

The last conversation I had with him he told me everyone hated me because I’d left him. I barely think of him anymore except for a few nightmares. I went headlong into another, completely different, emotionally abusive relationship. That’s another story!

I’m now a blissfully happy single mum.

So many.

He hated that I had gone to sixth form and university, because he hadn't (not that I cared). Made me 'admit' that my degree meant nothing and that he was much cleverer than me. Would ask me trivia questions out of the blue such as 'name 10 of the world's seas' and when I couldn't answer correctly, would tell me at great length how ignorant and uneducated I am about the world around me.

Gave me lectures about regulating my weight every time I ate a snack (size 8), and told me that he would leave me if I ever reached size 12 clothing. I love that he's put on lots of weight since we split up.

I sat in the front of a taxi on the way out with him for a meal. He loudly called me a cunt all the way through the meal and talked a lot about 'I've come across girls like you' etc. Flames further stoked by the waiter pulling the chair out for me. Then told me to go home, pack my stuff and get out. He came home and carried on with the soliloquy as I packed, then called a taxi and thrust the phone at me. Then became enraged when I arranged the taxi, couldn't believe I would do such a thing, I must be such a cold and uncaring bitch because I should have been begging him to let me stay. The next morning he hugged and hugged me and told me that one day in the future we would look back on the night before and laugh about how silly it all was, because we would have such a happy and harmonious life together from then on.

He wanted to go on holiday with his DC and my DC. To Disneyworld in Florida, in 2 months. When I said I couldn't afford 2.5k with my debit card and savings alone but could get a credit card he said that I had ruined Disneyworld for the DC who didn't know a thing about it anyway as he had literally just thrown the idea out in conversation with me. I was holding him back from the lifestyle he was accustomed to (he hadn't been abroad for years) and that he didn't think he could be with such a low earner and 'didn't sign up for this'. For what it's worth, I earned roughly the same as him and I doubt he had the 2.5k for his half either. Just another way of berating me.

Told me minutes before my DC's 3rd birthday party that he was leaving me as soon as the party finished. I forget why. I was shaking and feeling sick all the way through the party and couldn't concentrate on anything that my family or toddler group mums were saying to me, or the party at all. Fake smile and shaky legs and trying not to cry as my DC blew out his candles whilst he glowered at me from across the room. Desired effect achieved, another possible happy memory ruined. Of course, he didn't leave me.

Told me after I left him that he had had a brain injury. Adopted a 'brain injury rehabilitation' voice and told me that his behaviour had been caused by the brain injury all along but that he was obviously better now, after having a lumbar puncture and his brain fluid drained and being discharged from hospital all within 3 hours.

I had thirty years of this from my exH and I recognise many of the things PP have said.

Yes to the being woken up in the middle of the night so he could rant at me for several hours about how dull I was, how ashamed of me he was and how I needed to lose weight, dress better and become more attractive, oh and give him more sex. He would not stop until I was screaming hysterically. I now know that these episodes probably coincided with him starting his latest affair - he had to belittle me so he could feel good about himself.

In thirty years he paid me one compliment - he said I was a good mother. He must have criticised me hundreds of thousands of times.

He was appallingly rude to my parents and friends then rejoiced in telling me I had no friends.

He basically used me as slave labour. I did absolutely everything plus worked 12 hour days in a professional job. I had no bloody time to think about anything except surviving.

In 20:20 hindsight I realise he was doing the criticism thing from the very beginning when we met at university - telling me his mum (who was as mad as a hatter) thought I was too dull for him and telling me off for crap technique when we had sex.

He was charming and fun to the rest of the world; people thought he was a great bloke. Even now I sometimes think, what was the point of it all. We could have had a happy life, but he chose to make it a war zone.

Ironically, discovering his infidelities freed me to divorce him. He, of course, was trawling for a replacement even before he left the house and was married again almost immediately.

I'm very happy with me and the DC and am NC with him. No more men for me - a relationship equals servitude in my book!

It depends what paper you're working for.

I'm not working for any paper. I've just left an abusive relationship and I wanted to hear other people's stories who were willing to share.

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3524446-ex-wants-me-to-screw-with-sleep-pattern-so-he-gets-visitation

It's under a different name but here is my old thread.

When I wasn't in the mood for sex he would masturbate next to me in bed to relieve himself because I wasn't prepared to do it.

Show me how to load a dishwasher as I was in capable.

Only agree to leave the pub if I loaded our children into the car and pick him up.

If I was having a night out (rare occurrence) he would sulk or have an illness so I would be made to feel guilty leaving him babysitting his own children.

It gets worse, thank god I got rid unfortunately I have to co-parent with him and I am can't bring myself to tell the children why I left. So apparently I have done it for selfish reasons.

Stbxh would criticize my car as if I had designed and built it myself. Eg ‘why is YOUR sat nav screen not near the speedometer?
Why are your car seats so uncomfortable?
I would never buy a car that indicated when to change gears’.

Omg Where to start!!

Very controlling and unstable in his own personality. He valued me until he felt he no longer had a need for me, he then started to de value me and discard me emotionally. I lived in his shadow.

Very controlling regarding food, esp what the children ate, this would constantly change though. One week they shouldn't eat eggs the next it was something else etc etc.

I was seen as second best by him. my opinion and wishes were not considered, unless it fitted his agenda. I had little if any control over my life. I did not choose where to go on holiday, what cooker to buy, where to hang the washing too, we also had no tv for a very long time as he decided to get rid of it. He would belittle me about my choice of music, making out his own choice was better.

Would laugh at me saying i was crap at kissing, and rubbish at flirting he also didn't like what i wore.

He blew hot and cold regarding all relationship. He was often obsessive about someone or something, he then would dis value them, with out a second thought. Marrage was like a pressure cooker, i walked around not understanding how i felt so anxious and worried, the reality was that i never know what kind of mood he would come home in.

He treated my family and his family with contempt, he treated his mother totally appalling.

He was impatient and unkind. He couldn't maintain any normality in his emotions. He went from acting like a "vulnerable slightly dozy boy" (as far fetched from abusive that you could think of, to being very controlling and self ritchus.

He was totally obsessed with porn, which he know would upset me as he used to stay up half the night at least a few times a week watching and wanking. I was led to believe this was my problem

He didnt have the normal range of emotions, its very odd to explain, i know he would never stand by me if i was seriously ill or in my older years.

One of the biggest ones for me was that he was very very dismissive of any of my emotions or needs. Makes me very sad that i thought my feelings were less important than his.

I really could carry on and on!!