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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP confessed...

58 replies

Tartanwarrior · 20/03/2019 23:05

All of these things over the course of a conversation:
That he loves the attention of women ( I knew this)
It fills a hole inside him.

He is ok with keeping them a secret from me.
He finds it easy to lie.

When questioned, then he would prefer to be on his own, ( he has often pushed me away for months at a time.)

I knew all this, but thought I was going nuts- because everything was always my fault.

He is full of self hatred...we had conversations/ arguments about these things before, but it was shocking to hear it all at once.

This does follow on from my other thread, but I couldn't find it.
To recap... he had previously lied a lot. We tried working on it, there was little to no affection/sex, I questioned it, and he has now pushed me away.
And now that...

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/03/2019 23:06

That it's time for you to move on, let him sort his head out without dragging you through it and messing with your self worth.

NotTheFordType · 21/03/2019 00:14

Time to wish him a firm goodbye and block him. You can do better than this!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/03/2019 00:24

Why the fuck are you still with him??
Seriously?

TinselAndKnickers · 21/03/2019 00:27

Put him in the fucking bin and roll it down a hill ASAP.

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 00:35

So sorry OP, how awful for you.

He isn't into relationships, only sex, very shallow and meaningless

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 00:36

Quite the psychopathic traits

HeddaGarbled · 21/03/2019 00:40

It fills a hole inside him 😃

That’ll be the hole where normal people keep their decency, honesty, fidelity and kindness, yeah?

Smotheroffive · 21/03/2019 00:46

The psychopathic hole!

CharityConundrum · 21/03/2019 01:17

Are you contemplating waiting around to see if he thinks he can manage to be in a relationship with you?! Because I can't think of anything worse for your mental health than letting someone so messed up dictate whether you can be happy or not. You can be happy and you deserve it - this relationship will not give you that though.

MsDogLady · 21/03/2019 01:28

Wow, what an update. I wrote a comment for your Monday thread, but it disappeared and I didn’t rewrite it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3536207-Would-you-forgive-a-lie-Or-many-lies

When you were previously together, he enjoyed the attention of other women, but always kept you separate and on the periphery. He would conveniently ‘forget’ to invite you to gatherings. He ran hot and cold.

You separated but later reunited, and had a discussion about dating while apart. Both of you dated others, but he has repeatedly lied about one particular woman. He said he wanted to restore your trust, but you keep discovering more lies.

He seems to have no conscience and has treated you with contempt from the very beginning.

Surely you will cut this twisted man out of your life now.

Singlenotsingle · 21/03/2019 01:30

Just a complete waste of your time and brainspace. Get rid.

Monty27 · 21/03/2019 01:42

Tell me he's not still there Shock

Brandyb · 21/03/2019 01:49

It's awful to hear those things - is it in any way a shock or did you sort of already know all this to be true? In a way, I commend the fact that he was straight up and told you, but what were the circumstances? What inspired him to this sudden bout of honesty?? Was he declaring the end of the relationship?

Whatever the case, the magnitude of these revelations must mean the end for you, I take it?

AgentJohnson · 21/03/2019 04:31

I think your trying to make a case to stay, which is entirely your prerogative but don’t expect anything to change.

Original poster
Tartanwarrior · 21/03/2019 06:20

Thanks all.
The current ' crisis has come along because said that I miss being hugged and kissed- I miss sex. I wasn't angry when I said it- I just said it matter of factly.
He went into full blown ' injured' mode. It's my fault he doesn't want to be physically close, because HE'S the one that isn't trusted, and it's terrible for him.
He couldn't tell me the truth about friendships, because I would react badly ( which wasn't true at the beginning, but is now).

The 'confessions were things we had talked about before, but he had made excuses for. The other night he had stopped making excuses, and he just laid all those things out.
But, you know, he would never ever physically cheat, so, of course he has some honour ( his words).
Hmm

We don't live together, we haven't officially split.
He's really well liked, intelligent, respected at his job. We don't work together, but I have interaction with his colleagues through my work. I feel pretty sure he's going to smear me ( I was jealous/ controlling).
Sad

OP posts:
MothershipG · 21/03/2019 06:59

And why do you want to be with him?

AnyFucker · 21/03/2019 07:03

Why are you wasting your life on this dickhead ?

Floydian · 21/03/2019 07:04

This sounds terrible. Move on for your own sanity. A good loving relationship should not be complicated at all and should not have any of the elements in your post.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 21/03/2019 08:35

I didn't read your 1st tread but you must be seriously messed up to want to stay with this man who enjoys torturing you.

redastherose · 21/03/2019 09:24

He sounds an absolute treat (not)! Seems to be very controlling himself (gaslighting you, blaming you for being upset at his behaviour) quite narcissistic.

He's really well liked, intelligent, respected at his job. We don't work together, but I have interaction with his colleagues through my work. I feel pretty sure he's going to smear me

This bit stood out to me, people like him can appear to be well liked and respected but you may find once you've split that people didn't think as much of him as you imagine. He is a fake person, the one he shows the world is not the real him, and fake people are rarely as popular as they seem at first look.

Whatever his problems are, they don't need to be yours anymore. Bin him off (he'll hate you dumping him if he is a narcissist because he'll want to be the one to decide it's over) just expect the Hoover with loads of claims he's going to change and DONT believe him.

Original poster
Tartanwarrior · 21/03/2019 12:52

We talk lots, have a laugh. He's smart and interesting.
I didn't consciously think that those things give a ' pass ' to lie, and be dishonest, but maybe I did.
I AM messed up. I've done a ton of work on myself. I genuinely, genuinely believe that we all evolve. Some of us have had a crap beginning which left us feeling unworthy or with dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
He is also very bright, very logical, and very convincing. I started to argue with myself about his " right" to be dishonest, and it does get confusing.

Certainly doesn't mean I'm stuck though.
Thank you for all the clear replies Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/03/2019 15:57

His "right to be be dishonest" ?

He has you tied in knots. Do you even know who you are any more ? Confused

headinhands · 21/03/2019 16:01

Oh my love! You should be with someone who is making you feel GREAT. Don't waste any more time on it. Start daydreaming about being happier either with someone else or single.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/03/2019 16:08

IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Moralitym1n1 · 21/03/2019 16:10

The naval gazing is strong on this one.

I think you'll waste your time & emotion.

So people (apparently) like and respect him; they do t know him intimately (and I don't mean in the physical sense).

Most people don't even detect psychopaths.

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