Ok all
You have all given me so much to think about.
I feel like I need to put everything out here, so that I can dig up this thread if ever I'm feeling confused.
He is charming, funny, smart, well thought of.
Just before we started seeing each other, he went out with a group of his then current ( female only) students. They were early 20's. It's against policy. One of those students is one he befriended. She's the one who made the craft items that he went on to fill his living room with ( over 12 items- when he doesn't even like that sort of thing, and HATES spending money on things like that.) Last time he met up with her, he had gelled his hair. He never does that.
Another ex student ( only 10 years younger than him) . She is the one he lied to me about over the course of 5 years. It went from me being blissfully unaware of her ( but felt something was off) to finding out that he had done lots of activities with her. Kept it all hidden, even though at the beginning I wouldn't have been especially bothered by the friendship. 2 years ago he told me he barely remembered her. Lies.He tells me he couldn't be truthful because I would have flipped out- she was just good company. He removed her from fb, but since then he has disappeared from his account. He used to love it but has stopped all together. He hasn't even responded when people have tagged him - which to his thinking is rude.
There was another young pretty staff member he befriended and mentored. Funny- no men need mentoring. Anyways, a big pile of her Cd's are in his car. Still. She was logged in to his Sky go account- last used 2 weeks before we got back together.
I am venting/ trying to make sense of it all.
Sex- apart from the beginning, the ' norm' is almost no kissing. No foreplay, no stroking ( I haven't had my neck kissed in 7 years- he knows I like it). No holding close. If I initiate, he goes limp. If I go on top, he goes limp. That happened once and he pushed me away ( figuratively) and gave me the cold shoulder for 7 weeks.
He very rarely penetrates, can't orgasm from sex. Very rarely can orgasm from someone else.
From Sept we were getting on very well, but no sex. I tried to mention it gently he ignored. I finally was much more straightforward , but still gentle. He said I was comparative. After that I was pushed away for months.
He is not naturally affectionate, but affection stopped almost completely. I finally sent a text to say I miss being hugged, and kissed.
That was 3 weeks ago, and he has been giving me the cold shoulder since. Says I'm demanding, that there's a list of things he has to do in the relationship. I accept so little. 2 sleepovers a week ( unless I'm being pushed away), no cuddles, no sex. We barely go out.
He has started to invite me to come along to his parents more. This time round, I got to meet his god son. I've been included on some nights out with work colleagues.
He has said he's stopped trying to get the attention of women, but he misses it, and is resentful.
We tried to talk the other day. He said he's prepared to be honest. He started by saying he couldn't be honest before because I would flip.
He said he hid the friendship with the ex student because he knows it was wrong. I said that I found the behaviour gross. I didn't mean to say that, but I did.
He told me to leave his house.
I gave him his key back, took my stuff and left.
I am a smart woman. I have a job where judgement is involved, and I'm good at it. I'm kind, I am raising my teenagers on my own. I have my own home, managing financially. I'm ok.
I can't tell my sister all this just yet because she will weep for me. He so very logically muddies the water and I get confused.
I accept so very little, because generally speaking, we have a relationship where we chat lots, and have a laugh. He's interested in my life.
I had a rough start in life, and I absolutely believe that our broken beginning is not all we are. I know I am a work in progress and I am just trying to be a better person.
Sorry for the gargantuan post. I needed to unload, and try and get perspective.