Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you try for a child with someone you weren’t 100% sure of?

51 replies

mulberryapples · 20/03/2019 11:19

I’m asking because I’m at the age where I just can’t wait (nearly 39.)

I’m thinking (probably recklessly) that even if it didn’t work out I’d have a child.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 20/03/2019 11:20

How do you think you would cope co parenting with a shit dad?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 20/03/2019 11:23

You'd have a child you'd have to hand over every other weekend to spend with this person you're not keen on, and eventually him AND his new partner...

Don't assume he'll just bugger off and leave you to it. You'll be tied to this person forever.

OKBobble · 20/03/2019 11:23

Absolutely no way!

Springwalk · 20/03/2019 11:23

No I wouldn't. You will get stuck with a deadbeat forever potentially. If I was in the last chance saloon and desperately wanted a child, I would go down the route of sperm donor with no strings attached.

Springwalk · 20/03/2019 11:24

If you are already pregnant that is a different matter, but I wouldn't actively choose to do that with someone I didn't trust/like very much.

Original poster
mulberryapples · 20/03/2019 11:25

The problem with using a sperm donor is that the child may feel a sense of displacement and loss ... not sure.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 20/03/2019 11:26

The right of the dad to have access always seems to override the emotional well-being of the child so you have to be really careful who you have a baby with these days. Anonymous sperm would probably be simpler.

OfficeSlave · 20/03/2019 11:28

Not a chance in hell. Potentially tied to that person forever, unless they dissappear and want zero to do with your child.

OfficeSlave · 20/03/2019 11:33

I agree with poster above re anonymous sperm, it could be a whole lot clearer. The ability for honesty with your child and no toxic environment growing up. All humans face loss and absence in certain aspects of life, we cant control it, but we can choose who we bring into our childs life, partners etc.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/03/2019 11:36

I know several people who have to send their kids kicking and screaming for weekends with their fucking useless neglectful dad's then manage the emotional aftermath while he gets to tell everyone what a wonderful dad he is. One woman I know says how she wishes her DGDs dad would just disappear off the face of the earth and leave their family to raise her.

It depends on what you want to take a risk on OP.

Springwalk · 20/03/2019 11:41

Op you will provide the sense of belonging and family, thats what all mothers do. If you feel the child will miss having a father, that is a possibility, but that may happen in any situation.

If you are looking for a more traditional set up with a man you wish to stay in your lives, then may I respectfully recommend you choose someone you have feelings for? A man that is decent and reliable, and committed to you and your future child. That does not sound like the man you describe, but you still have time.

emwithme · 20/03/2019 11:59

It really depends what you mean by "not 100% sure of"...the only thing to consider is really "Can I cope with this person and their issues for the next 20 years? Will these issues impact negatively on any children?"

UbbesPonytail · 20/03/2019 12:06

One of DDs best friends was conceived with a sperm donor. She is one of the happiest, most well rounded children I’ve ever met. She does know who the donor was though and it’s never been kept a secret from her. It’s all about how you handle it.

But not 100% sure with someone you know is just not certain enough. That’s a lifetime for you and the child linked to the father. Could you really co-parent in that situation?

Original poster
mulberryapples · 20/03/2019 12:08

I do have feelings for him, I think in some ways we could be very happy but then in other ways I don’t know.

It feels like a gamble really

OP posts:
SweetAsSpice · 20/03/2019 12:10

Never. One of the reasons I chose to marry DH was because we have a solid partnership, and I knew he would make an incredible father. (for many reasons) And he bloody well is. Teamwork makes the dream work and all that. Parenting is hard, I couldn't do it with someone I wasn't sure of. Your child will have their DNA too. Think carefully.

TokenGinger · 20/03/2019 12:11

She hasn't said he'd be a shit dad. She said she isn't sure of him. He could be an absolutely fantastic father figure, he might just be shit in bed, or she's not fully attracted to him, or they have different interests. It doesn't automatically mean this poor chap is a deadbeat father like he's being labelled.

For what it's worth, OP, I would. If I reached your age and I had no children, but thought enough of a man to be considering having children with him, but just wasn't sure if he was "forever", then I would. I wouldn't miss my chance at children.

My friend is in a similar position. Aged 40 in a few weeks. No children. Desperately wants one. But not in a relationship. It's heartbreaking to see her chance at motherhood passing her by.

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 20/03/2019 12:13

I can see the temptation, but on balance it doesn’t seem like the best idea to go into it knowing you don’t like the person much. A relationship break down is one thing, but a preemptive shaky coparent relationship doesn’t seem wise.

Josuk · 20/03/2019 13:07

I absolutely would....
But then again - I really wanted to have a kid and probably would have been very depressed if I didn’t have mine....
I don’t think it’s possible to be 100% sure about anyone...
And look at how many people who were ‘sure’ that later on realise their partner isn’t who they thought he was...
And being sure or not about ‘happy ever after’ doesn’t suggest the man will be a shit dad.
Equally - normal men turn out into shit husbands/fathers all the time....
So - OP - given that the world is uncertain. And if you really want a child - and at 39 you are nearly out of time - in your place i’d go for it.

My life would not have been the same w/o my kids. Men can come and go, and I could be without them. But - my kids are what makes me truly happy.

SandyY2K · 20/03/2019 13:09

Does he want kids? Would he be a good parent?

RosiePosies · 20/03/2019 13:31

I don't really subscribe to this whole notion of meeting 'the one' and waiting for the perfect time to have babies. I fell pregnant at one of the shittest times of my life, she's due in 3 weeks and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. You just work these things out.

However, pregnancy is the most insane hormonal rollercoaster you'll go through - it tends to exacerbate ALL your feelings, good and bad. For a good few months I hated my partner a lot and he smelt VILE to me. If there are things about your partner that annoy you right now then they will get worse in pregnancy. I think you'll need to be prepared for that.

mindutopia · 20/03/2019 14:42

No, definitely not. Co-parenting with a wonderful partner who you are 100% sure about and who is equally keen to be a parent is hard enough. There's no reason to needlessly bring drama into your life or your child's.

Having had a shit dad who caused a lot of problems in my life growing up, I would have much preferred my mum to have used a donor. It would have taken a lot of the trauma out of my childhood. No relationship with a parent is always better than a fractured one.

Misty999 · 20/03/2019 14:58

I would go for it as long as you think he would be a good father. Otherwise you may miss your chance.

IdaIdes · 20/03/2019 15:00

Nope. Not fair on the child at all. It's a miserable existence to be brought up between households if the parents don't get on.

Spiritinabody · 20/03/2019 15:11

100% not. I always go by the old adage 'If in doubt say no'.

You are most definitely thinking recklessly. You may be 39 but still have time to meet someone. There are so many people who are divorced or divorcing on these forums and doing the best they can in their situations. However, to deliberately plan a baby with someone you don't trust is asking for trouble. You will either have to share custody or the DC will have an absent father. Why deliberately put a child through this?

Having a baby by special donation is again depriving your child of the presence of a father.

Don't be so selfish!

MMmomDD · 20/03/2019 16:50

I think it’s easy to judge from sidelines. Having already had kids, and/or being with a partner you consider a good long term partner...
Easy to say - wait, not fair, what if....

However, having seen a few friends going through these decisions - in late 30s... It’s really tough when you get to the end of fertile years and haven’t won that prize - a man to have kids with...

I grew up with a mom, and an absent dad. Should my mom not have had me? Or used a donor instead? Why on earth...
(and for the record, he only started drinking, etc after I was born)....

I think perfectly ok to wait for a better partner when you are early 30s.... And by late 30s an OKish, but not perfect parter is better than NO kids. Provided you really want a child.
He may turn out an OK partner and father... Or Ok co-parent....Who can predict that he won’t?
And if he doesn’t - and is absent from the child’s life - it won’t be much different from having a donor for a father...

Swipe left for the next trending thread