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Original poster

Would you try for a child with someone you weren’t 100% sure of?

51 replies

mulberryapples · 20/03/2019 11:19

I’m asking because I’m at the age where I just can’t wait (nearly 39.)

I’m thinking (probably recklessly) that even if it didn’t work out I’d have a child.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 20/03/2019 16:51

You may be 39 but still have time to meet someone.
At 39? I agree with Misty999, go for it.

SausageSimon · 20/03/2019 16:55

I'd say if you think he'd make a good parent then yes go for it even if you aren't sure about the relationship itself.

Would you feel happy to leave a baby in his care?

PuzzlingPuzzle · 20/03/2019 17:00

I think having a baby on your own isn’t a bad idea, maybe this could work if you think he’d be a good co-parent and if you’d be happy being a single parent. That said, a donor is a lot cleaner- how would you handle if the future child spends 50% of their time with him and his new girlfriend, or if he doesn’t bugger off completely but is a shit dad?

Mummyshark2018 · 20/03/2019 17:45

In your situation I probably would. You don't know what's around the corner and maybe your relationship will flourish and he will be a great dad, or maybe you'll break up with a child. However, I could only carry this uncertainty if I were in a financially stable position, e.g. job job, homeowner and had family around to support. I take it he's happy to have a child with you at this present time?

MikeUniformMike · 20/03/2019 18:03

In your situation I would. He might turn out to be a great dad whatever happens. Can you ever be 100% sure of anyone?

Lozzerbmc · 20/03/2019 20:45

I met DP at 37 after having divorced and been on ivf waiting list with “D”H. DP are i were dating when i had a letter from clinic offering treatment to me and my, by then, exh. I hadnt the heart yet to remove name from waitlist after divorce and whilst building up to doing so, was considering adoption on my own.

DP said he’d like a child and whilst we didnt know what would happen in our relationship we both wanted a child. He was 42. I thought him a decent man (which he is). This was going to be my last chance ever of a baby (as needed special type of ivf). I went for it. That was 12 years ago and despite ups and downs we are together with our DS age 11. He is happy well balanced boy and frankly a joy. DP is a loving but not hands on dad, and i feel fulfilled finally. Just be sure he is a good man...otherwise it could be an awful outcome for child and you. Good luck

Stormyday · 20/03/2019 20:48

At your age, yes.

mswales · 20/03/2019 21:04

I had a baby with someone I certainly wasn't sure I'd stay with longterm (I didn't think it was likely) but that I knew was a really really great lovely person who shared my values and who would be a great dad - and most importantly that if (when) we broke up it would not turn nasty. I actually think that being confident you could handle a break-up in a non-acrimonious way is far more important when deciding whether to have a baby with someone than whether you love them. SO MANY relationships that were great romances ultimately break down for whatever reason - you have absolutely no way of guaranteeing that a relationship will last, and a nasty break-up when children are involved is just horrendous for everyone involved. So I'd say the way you interact and the emotional maturity of you both is a million times more important that how much romantic love you feel.

That said, it has been very challenging and I have felt/still feel unhappy a lot of the time being in a relationship that doesn't fulfil me. Me and my partner are still living together and financially we are unable to live separately so it can feel like I'm trapped. We have supported each other a great deal but we also bicker a lot, there are things I don't get which I definitely need and we will not ultimately stay together. However we have an amazing son who brings us a massive amount of joy, he has two great parents who may not be in love but who have a lot of respect for each other.

Of course the ideal is to have a baby with someone that you not only have an emotionally mature and rational relationship with but someone you are also in love with, but unfortunately not everyone gets that. I had waited ten years after breaking up with my ex to meet someone and fall in love and have babies and it hadn't happened. I met someone decent and let it happen before I got too old to have the option.

SpringLake · 20/03/2019 21:04

Could you afford to freeze some eggs, that you can use after you've had a bit more time to know each other?

IdiditIhadto · 20/03/2019 21:06

I did! We have two amazing DC - now aged 11 & 8.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/03/2019 21:14

Yes, at 39 if you really want a child, I absolutely would. No question.

The fact of the matter is that you can never be 100% sure any relationship will work out or go the distance, even if kids are involved. There are plenty of threads on here about women who thought they'd met the love of their lives, someone to grow old with, only to get dumped out of the blue. They get left as a single parent which they never saw coming. Even if you don't make the distance as partners, he might still be a good dad? (Or maybe not, again, no one knows if a good partner will actually turn into a good parent.)

IdiditIhadto · 20/03/2019 21:30

Although it hasn't been easy and is a challenge being with someone that I have never been truly in love with. Our DC are brilliant though and so I will always be grateful for them.

Toomuchworking · 20/03/2019 21:32

It depends if you're not sure he's a decent person who can be trusted, or if you're not sure you want to be with him forever. If it's the former it might not be a great idea, but the latter is no reason to not do it. If you think you can co-parent well then I'd probably go for it.

SapphireBattersea · 20/03/2019 21:32

Yep I did

Dc1’s dad, my first husband. I wanted a child even though I knew it wasn’t right between us and never would be. It’s worked out well, we co parent fine. Both happily remarried. Dc1 is fine it’s all he’s known and I’ve been with second DH since he was 18 months old.

It can and does work Flowers

Aroundtheworldandback · 20/03/2019 21:51

I agree with the posters saying if you know without doubt he’s a good man, go ahead.

SonataDentata · 20/03/2019 21:53

I have to go against the flow here and say that I would. No relationship is guaranteed but I for one would massively regret losing the chance to have a child.

userxx · 20/03/2019 22:11

Nope, definitely not. It's unfair on the child and purely for selfish reasons. Having a child isn't just about what you want and your regrets if it doesn't happen.

Kaleela · 20/03/2019 23:31

I think I would prefer to be the product of a sperm donor than that of a sub par ex partner of yours and the potential of a toxic co-parenting situation.

AnnaNimmity · 21/03/2019 06:54

Depends whether you're not sure because of how you feel about the person or whether it's because you think he's a bit shit. If the former, and he's a decent guy, then maybe (given your age) but don't underestimate how difficult it is being a single parent if it all goes tits up. And it's difficult on the child too when they're older (and I'm saying that as a single parent) .

If the latter, no. It would be selfish I think to subject that person (and their genes) on a child. You'd have to co-parent with them for ever too. and at some stage that child would become aware of what a shit their dad is. I think a sperm donor would be preferable in this case!

Nursejackie1 · 21/03/2019 14:50

Yes but be prepared for how difficult it is on your own especially when baby is very little. On balance you would not regret having the child if you really feel you want to be a mother but if you don't, think about how much you would regret not going for it if it never happens. It depends how important having a child is to you. I think alot of us find ourselves in this position and even the most stable marriages have the potential to break down.

Nursejackie1 · 21/03/2019 14:56

Just to add ...please consider whether the father would be someone you would be happy to bring up the child god forbid if anything happened to you. Once they are on the birth certificate they have all the parental rights..its something that does play on my mind a bit as my ex would have very different ideas than me in many aspects of raising them.

callmekitten · 21/03/2019 15:17

Why would you give your child a father for life who you are not sure you want for a partner at all?

femidom12 · 21/03/2019 15:50

Yep go for it....
Unless there's something really bad your not telling us....

Dramatical · 21/03/2019 15:54

The problem with using a sperm donor is that the child may feel a sense of displacement and loss ... not sure.

And a guy you are not sure of could walk away and leave the child feeling even worse.

I do have feelings for him, I think in some ways we could be very happy but then in other ways I don’t know.

That's the thing about having children, it's no longer about you, how you feel and your relationship. You have to put the child first.

Deliberately having a child with someone you are not even sure of seems like far too big a risk in terms of potential happiness of any child. Please don't.

Scorpvenus1 · 21/03/2019 16:01

I can see why as I am 38 and thinking I have to give up but I still wouldn't as this guy will be in your life forever, and also be hard to date others to find someone you want with a child etc or failing that co parent or sperm donors id say.

other side robs the guy of the life chance to have a kid of his own and in a proper loving relationship and you wont want him there all the time and it will be hard work id say