Feel confused re if DH is abusive.

[Summerw1ne]

I really am not sure if my DH counts as abusive/why I don’t see it that way all the time if he is.

Positives that make me question if he is-
Share money equally, became SAHD and my carer for 2 years when my MH was crap, does his fairness are of housework and parenting etc, always takes over parenting and looks after me if I’m ill, is encouraging of interests, wants me to get a proper education, has never even swore at me etc.

Negatives- Controls my bedtime, hurts me somtimes (last big injury was when we were having a small argument and I stop talking when he told me to so he grabbed my right hand and pulled and twisted my index finger resulting in it dislocating), talks to other women sexually online and phones them then tells me of this-even chats away online merrily obviously aroused while I’m sitting besides him (yes I’m aware how grim that is). (Physical stuff is not frequent and he’s not the type who just launches for no reason)

Seeing the negatives it seems obvious that he’s an abusive dickhead but those positives make me feel that he’s not iykwim.

I swing from feeling numb to feeling despair to feeling loving and hopeful.

Get over feeling loving and hopeful and GET OUT!

Very unhealthy relationship. You must be very unhappy. I would certainly class his behaviour as abusive. You've already suffered severe MH problems (I know what that's like). I ignored so much of my husband's vile online behaviour because he had "taken care of me" when my MH was as its worst.
Now I realise his behaviour was actually a big factor in WHY I had MH problems in the first place.
You deserve better

He deliberately dislocated your finger? He assaulted you, causing actual bodily harm?

Hmm, let me see....

Yes, that's fucking abusive.

What a despicable cunt he is

By the time I was half way through your post my head was shouting he IS abusive. You're worth better than how he treats you. There is never any excuse to physically attack anyone.

The online cheating is also the pits.

I am very unhappy. It’s not easy to leave, I’m looking for a job to try and save some money.
At the moment I’m not sure if I will ever leave, not sure if I’m scared or what but I just can’t imagine it.

Do any of the good points outweigh the bad at all? I know you’re all saying it and I think I know he is but I sort of don’t feel convinced in my heart that he is because he really is so loving most of the time.

Reading that back I sound pathetic and I probably am.

Wtf can I do/ how do I get a backbone?! It’s all a bloody mess.

You can't imagine it because you haven't planned it.

Start planning.

How would separating work?

You need emotional and practical help to extricate yourself. Absolutely encourage you to go to any family you have for help as well as going to seek the help of Woman's Aid. You don't have to do it alone there are lots of services to support you to leave.

Abusive men don’t have to be abusive all the time and can have nice points too. That’s what makes people stay. Oh it was a one off, it’ll never happen again, he’s sorry etc etc.

It’s not always easy to acknowledge the person you’re with is abusive but it’s a good start.

Abusive people aren’t abusive 100% off the time or people won’t stay with them. He is physical and emotional absuive as well as control.

I know you say you can’t picture what it would look like to not be will him but try write a mental list or one what you can bin before he sees it of all the thing that you and your children (this is effecting them) want to experience in the future eg feel safe, feel self confident, feel loved and valued. This will be a good start because you can’t feel these properly in an abusive relationship.

The good points don't outweigh the bad, no. He dislocated your finger, deliberately. I imagine he's done more than this as well.

The good points aren't even real: he does the good things, as others have said, as deliberately as he controls your bedtime or phones sex lines in front of you – precisely so you'll debate whether or not to leave him, and start trying to weigh up "OK so he injures me" vs "but we share the housework".

Start making a plan, and keep it a secret. Don't let him get wind that you're leaving. You'll need money and your important documents, eg passport, house deeds, and to make sure he doesn't know until you're gone.

What other physical injuries has he inflicted on you?

I want you to write them down, all of them, here, so you yourself can see it in print.

Yes, of course he is abusive to you.
You already know this and the scales are starting to fall.
It will take some time for you to come to terms with all of this.
Please call Womens Aid and discuss it all with them.
They can help you see this for what it is.
Start your own little blog or keep a diary / journal on all his poor behaviour.
Everything you can thing of from the past and anything that happens from now on.
That will help to focus your mind on the abusive side of things.
And NOOOOOOO!!!! No abuse is acceptable.
No good behaviour outweighs the bad behaviour.
Something that you already know but you are clinging on at the moment.
It's ALL a cycle. Google - Cycle of abuse.

I’ll do that journal suggestion, I think it’ll help. I’ve been looking up that cycle of abuse and I can see how we may be going through it.

The furthest I’ve got with planning is to just save some money. Not sure I could deal with planning beyond that right now.

Yes, he has done other physical damage. One thing I really struggle with is that causing me pain seems to turn him, not just in the bedroom. I don’t understand that at all.

You don't need money to leave. Let me be blunt. I left my marriage with a carrier bag of clothes, my phone, a pair of flip flops (no shoes). I had no access to money and after a month he cut my phone off, he changed the locks on the marital home too.

Through the help of local services I was found a place to live until I could get a housing association flat. The government provided me with welfare to live on, which isn't much but not much is better than abused. I had counselling to help me get over what had happened.

So you don't have to stay to save money. It's only a tool and there are other ways of getting out if you don't have it.

Plan a few small steps to start with.
Figure out how you can squirell away some money. Do that today
Call Womens Aid - tomorrow
Call Shelter - on Wednesday
Call CAB - on Thursday
Call Council housing - on Friday
Have a look on line on what you would be entitled to.
That's housing, benefits, tax credits, maintenance from him.
Call 101 and log any physical abuse or controlling behaviour.
Do one thing a day to help you move forward.

This guy is dangerous. Your update proves that.
You do need to leave. I realise this will take time but please don't wait too long. You will be another statistic if you don't start to take some action.

I really want to avoid a hostel or refuge, I don’t think it’s urgent enough. It would be less hassle to just save and move.

Ty all. I’ll look at doing all the things mentioned .

He is dangerous, and it WILL escalate, it pretty much always does. LTB, as safely and quickly as you can

Refuges and hostels are not the worst places. They are better than dead.

I know you want to reduce the anxiety of the situation by minimising what is being said to you but you have to ask yourself the logical question: why would strangers with nothing to gain tell me to leave? They would if they could objectively see you were in danger you didn't see. Believe me, we've spotted a leopard in bushes but you're still seeing the camouflage!

I don’t believe I’m at risk of death at his hands anytime in the near future, if that changes then I will of course get out ASAP.

Stupid question but when you phone women’s aid, what do you say? What do they say?
I have terrible phone anxiety, rarely make a call and when I do I panic and my mind goes utterly blank. Knowing roughly how the conversation goes would help a lot .

You need to run hun get rid of that waste of space makes me feel sick 🤮

If you can be absolutely certain he won't find them, can you make notes on what you want to say on the phone? Something you can keep at work? Just bullet point what you've told us about the bedtimes, injuries, and sex chatlines.

There's some useful information about the helpline here which tells you what help and information they can give you, though not an exact script:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

You say he won't kill you, but he's already injured you severely, and violence escalates when women try to leave.

“Do any of the good points outweigh the bad at all?“

No