Feel confused re if DH is abusive.

[Summerw1ne]

I really am not sure if my DH counts as abusive/why I don’t see it that way all the time if he is.

Positives that make me question if he is-
Share money equally, became SAHD and my carer for 2 years when my MH was crap, does his fairness are of housework and parenting etc, always takes over parenting and looks after me if I’m ill, is encouraging of interests, wants me to get a proper education, has never even swore at me etc.

Negatives- Controls my bedtime, hurts me somtimes (last big injury was when we were having a small argument and I stop talking when he told me to so he grabbed my right hand and pulled and twisted my index finger resulting in it dislocating), talks to other women sexually online and phones them then tells me of this-even chats away online merrily obviously aroused while I’m sitting besides him (yes I’m aware how grim that is). (Physical stuff is not frequent and he’s not the type who just launches for no reason)

Seeing the negatives it seems obvious that he’s an abusive dickhead but those positives make me feel that he’s not iykwim.

I swing from feeling numb to feeling despair to feeling loving and hopeful.

nogooddeed that's exactly what happened to my friend. The exact same situation. She was found stabbed by her son. Her partner had also killed himself and her son found them both.
Her poor son has to live with what he saw for the rest of his life. It's had such an impact on so many people. I hope your friends son got some support.

Op you have not overreacted. You deserve support and help to get out of this dangerous situation.

@Summerw1ne Would it help to tell us a bit more about the things he does that you're wondering whether you're overreacting to? And what made you start this thread – did something in particular happen?

I promise you're not overreacting, and WA replying to an email with information that you don't follow won't take resources from someone else. It's just the first step of several.

See, all the time, energy and resources I’d use up would be better left for people in the situations that you both describe. I feel guilty even thinking that I might take away help from someone else.

But by getting support you can prevent yourself being one of those women. My friends partner was never physically abusive towards her until the night he stabbed her to death.

Your partner is already physically abusive....as well as the rest. I'm sure you've only given us a small snapshot yet everyone is outraged on your behalf. I'm sure you know what MN is like... If people thought you were overreacting they'd tell you. However, everyone thinks you need to leave and make yourself safe. Please consider contacting WA. They will not think you are a time waster. I promise.

It can take lots of attempts to try to get strong enough to leave. Afterwards, everyone wishes they had done it sooner. Me too. Just a conversation with women’s aid doesn’t mean you are taking resources. Might help with planning for the future if you are not ready now.

WA replying to an email with information that you don't follow won't take resources from someone else

I’ve not been thinking of it like that, a couple of mins responding to email wouldn’t take away much.

He has done more to me, if I wrote it down I’d either be flamed for being such a fucking fool or called a troll as it will probably sound ridiculous that I have stayed and especially stupid that I’m even slightly not feeling he’s abusive. Would WA even believe me? I don’t think I could handle telling someone everything and they not believe me.

Started the thread because I have no one else to seek an alternative opinion from about DH and I suppose confirmation that the part of me that thinks he does treat me badly is right.

Sorry if I seem to be going in circles, I wish I could stop.

Think of it this way:

Abuse escalates.
The earlier in an abusive relationship women get help to escape, the less resources they will need to help them escape.
So asking for help earlier saves resources.

WA will believe you and will probably have heard of a different abuser using the same tactics with somebody else.

It's totally understandable for it to be a huge step for you to contact them.

They'll be great though when you do.

Don't worry about going in circles, it's perfectly normal in the circumstances. Women's Aid will believe you. We believe you. It's also normal to doubt your instincts and need convincing.

You also don't have to wait until things are more unbearable than they are to seek help and use resources. Lots and lots of women on these forums have had the "If he did X, I'd leave, but it's not that bad" conversation with themselves.

His abuse has corroded your sense of normality my love. Please contact WA.
Lots of us on here have survived abusive relationships and your posts are screaming to me that you are in danger.

OP, I work in the DV sector. Trust me when I say that thousands of women call the helpline with no idea what to say, and for reasons they consider trivial at the time. You WILL be believed, and if you feel you can’t talk then the helpline worker is used to that and will help you unpick it in your own time and in your own way. You don’t need a narrative. Sometimes just “tell me about the most recent thing that bothered you” will start the unpicking process.

They will believe your experience and they will neither tell you to leave or to stay. They will outline the options that you have to leave (now or in the future), or help you to figure out how to stay safe while staying in the relationship. They understand that the best judge of your safety and your situation is you.

The situation you describe is indeed abusive. I understand why it’s confusing because all the literature about DV focussed on the perpetrator’s behaviour WHILE HE’S BEING ABUSIVE. It can gloss over the fact that people are complex and at other times they can be caring and lovely, and the person you fell in love with. It’s the behaviour they resort to when they feel they need to exert control that is significant. The fact that he is comfortable to resort to hurting you when he wants to exert control shows that this is in his armoury. He won’t use it all the time, but will resort to it when needed. This is abuse. Do call the helpline, it’s like a wave of relief when you do.

Your situation sounds awful op. He is being abusive towards you and you really need to leave him.

You really do only get one life - do you really want to spend it like this? I don't know how old you are but, would the 60 year old you look back and think it was a good idea to stay? Wasting all those years with him.

Change is scary but it will get easier, you will thank yourself down the line. Don't let him follow you, allow him into your new life, into your new home, when you get it.

Regarding your phone anxiety, tell people off the bat that you struggle with phone conversations and bulletin points are an excellent idea.

You deserve so much better than this lovely 💐💐💐

Do you have parents around? Do you have any friends?
This is such a sad post and you are placing yourself at significant risk because you’re understandably frightened of stepping away into the unknown.
I would urge you to make the call. Just dip your toe in and feel what having some support might feel like. That gives you a safe contact outside the house.
You have to leave. This is not a saveable relationship; it will get worse and worse. Once you’ve taken the decision, I suspect life will feel better. It won’t be easy but at the moment he’s a comfort blanket with razor blades hidden in the lining.

I believe you OP.

WA will believe you.

Just write it all down here and email them with a link to this thread asking them to email you back initially rather than calling you.

They will support you and validate you and help you do whatever YOU decide.

It is scary taking this next step, especially after you've minimised his behaviour to yourself for so long. But you've already been brave and posted here for advice. That is a good first step.

Can you at least admit to yourself that you are at risk of being hurt if you don't do as he says? That will help you accept this is abuse. Everyone here is telling you its not a normal loving relationship. And anyway, you are unhappy, that is the only reason you need to leave him.

Please do the above. Stay safe from hurt. And protect your DC from him. He will start on them too you know. But they are suffering already because you are.

Wrote and deleted the email about 8 times today, just seems like a huge overreaction. I honestly can’t say I would leave if they suggested it either and that would mean I’ve taken away resources that could be used for someone in greater need and who will actually leave.

Part of this type of abuse is to gradually and subtly erode your self-esteem to the point where you don't believe that you deserve help or deserve to feel safe from harm.

You absolutely need to get away from this relationship. You need to do it before the abuse escalates and you need to do it while you still recognise that his behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility.

You aren't less worthy than a woman who isn't allowed to spend money or a woman who gets a black eye every week.

You are in an abusive relationship. You need and deserve help to walk away.

Nobody is going to think you weren't abused or assaulted enough. Once is enough.

Look at all the people on this thread that have given their time to encourage you to leave. They are doing it because you are important and you deserve the support you need to leave.

Please let Women's Aid be the judge of how much help they should offer you. You don't have a clear enough perspective from the position you are in to make that judgement at the moment. One day you will look back, you will see very clearly that you did the right thing by contacting them.

Please send the email or call today. If you call, the first thing you say can be "I'm sorry. I find it hard to speak on the phone and I don't know what to say." They will help you.

Please send that email or make that call. Do it now

^ what Goldmandra said ^

You say he’s a SAHD, is this to your child? If so, are there implications on residency if he is main carer? You should make sure you ask this, I hope that the abuse will mean he’s not fit, but please seek advice and be careful.

He’s not a SAHD anymore.

Thanks for all the advice, it been very helpful.