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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel confused re if DH is abusive.

68 replies

Summerw1ne · 17/03/2019 23:45

I really am not sure if my DH counts as abusive/why I don’t see it that way all the time if he is.

Positives that make me question if he is-
Share money equally, became SAHD and my carer for 2 years when my MH was crap, does his fairness are of housework and parenting etc, always takes over parenting and looks after me if I’m ill, is encouraging of interests, wants me to get a proper education, has never even swore at me etc.

Negatives- Controls my bedtime, hurts me somtimes (last big injury was when we were having a small argument and I stop talking when he told me to so he grabbed my right hand and pulled and twisted my index finger resulting in it dislocating), talks to other women sexually online and phones them then tells me of this-even chats away online merrily obviously aroused while I’m sitting besides him (yes I’m aware how grim that is). (Physical stuff is not frequent and he’s not the type who just launches for no reason)

Seeing the negatives it seems obvious that he’s an abusive dickhead but those positives make me feel that he’s not iykwim.

I swing from feeling numb to feeling despair to feeling loving and hopeful.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/03/2019 19:55

Do you realise your MH will actually improve when you leave?

A refuge would be excellent for you, away safely before he escalates his abuse when he gets wind of you trying to leave.

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 18/03/2019 20:48

That link was helpful, still not sure how the conversations go though. I usually do make some billet points before a call, its the conversation itself that I’m not sure of. Because of my anxiety I find rehearsing a conversation makes a call bearable.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 18/03/2019 21:00

Dislocated your finger and you are wondering whether the good outweighs the bad? Such a sad story i hope you get the help you need and get away from this sorry excuse for a man

Dragongirl10 · 18/03/2019 21:00

Do you have children op?

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 18/03/2019 21:28

I do realise my perception is probably skewed which is why I asked that question lozz.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 18/03/2019 21:55

Why are you scared of leaving op?

Does doing housework and parenting his kids make up for physically hurting you and the frankly bizarre and grim sexual behaviour? That would be a resounding no.

I would place money on him controlling your bedtime so you have to witness the sex chat.

He's a control freak and a bully and I think you're scared of him. You need to leave before he seriously hurts you.

FetchezLaVache · 18/03/2019 22:00

Do the good things outweigh the bad?

To use a common Mumsnet analogy, if you were offered a cake that was just 5% human faeces, would the other 95% outweigh that?

CostanzaG · 18/03/2019 22:01

My best friend was in an abusive relationship....not nearly as bad as yours as he'd never been physically abusive but abusive all the same. The last words I ever says to her was ' do you think he'd ever hurt you?' Her reply was no, not at all. I let her go home to him as she was adamant she wasn't at risk.
One week later he killed her then killed himself.

Please leave him as soon as possible. Don't tell him....just go.

looondonn · 18/03/2019 22:07

Please get out

Please get out

I'm 13 months free now

The bast** did all of this THEN
went on. To try to kill me with a 8 week old baby in next room

He will get worse
That much I know

Please leave and post here as many great people here helped me see sense

Lizzie48 · 18/03/2019 22:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your DH honestly is abusive. Just because he can be nice sometimes doesn't change that fact.

I really do understand. My F was abusive (including SA and physical abuse on us kids). He was emotionally abusive to my DM, used to regularly accuse her of being unfaithful and used emotional blackmail on all of us.

But my DM would go on about what a loving F he was to us. And so he could be. But his behaviour was so damaging. I suffer from complex PTSD, which I'm still in therapy for.

I've read that you feel that he's a good parent. He probably isn't. My DM thought this about my F and he absolutely wasn't. So please don't feel that you should stay because of him being a good parent. Even if he isn't directly abusive towards them, they will be damaged by what he's doing to you.

Get yourself out of there for your sake and theirs. Thanks

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 18/03/2019 22:50

I’m scared of everything to do with leaving, how to sort it all, how to manage in a house as the only adult etc.
Can’t picture him letting me just live my life freely either, I don’t want it to end up being the same but different houses, that would be worse I think. How do people keep them away/stop the control?Confused

Flowers to those who have suffered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerw1ne · 18/03/2019 22:58

He just doesn’t seem the same as those abusers you hear about killing their partners though. He doesn’t randomly attack, doesn’t put me down, doesn’t time how long it takes to shop and stuff like that.
I honestly think I’ll be fine to wait longer so I can save. I will still contact women’s aid though for some advice .

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 18/03/2019 23:19

But you said he controls your bedtime. How does he even do that?

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 18/03/2019 23:48

Simply put- if I don’t go when he says then I’ll get hurt in some way.

OP posts:
Palace13 · 19/03/2019 00:30

Please speak to WomensAid asap. You're in a really dangerous situation OP

Lizzie48 · 19/03/2019 00:48

Your situation is so much more abusive than you realise. It's really scary, if he's hurting you because you don't go to bed when he tells you to.

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. You need to get out of there.

Hidingtonothing · 19/03/2019 00:56

Simply put- if I don’t go when he says then I’ll get hurt in some way.

Jesus OP, that sentence made me go cold, can you honestly not see how fucked up that is? And the fact that he gets off on causing you pain, I'm sorry but this is far, far worse than you're letting yourself see.

If your adult DC was describing this in their relationship what would you advise do you think? If my daughter told me any of that I would be bringing her home with me that same day, you are absolutely not safe, please get out as soon as you possibly can.

CostanzaG · 19/03/2019 07:24

summer my friends partner had never hurt her, there were no random attacks. He was emotionally abusive and controlling but nothing physical.......until he stabbed her to death in her sleep.

He has already hurt you physically. He hurts you if you don't go to bed when he tells you.....I bet there are other instances of him using the threat of physical violence to control your behaviour.

Just leave. Don't tell him you're going - don't give him the chance to hurt you. Just go.

He's a violent, abusive man. His behaviour will escalate.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/03/2019 09:04

I hope you get through to Womens Aid today.
Just keep trying if they are busy.
It will take a few attempts.
Just tell them what you have told us.
He really does sound very dangerous.
They will listen. Offer advice.
They will also help you with a safe exit plan.
They won't push or force you.
We all know it takes around 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner.
This post was your 1st step.
Later today, take that 2nd step.

burritofan · 19/03/2019 09:31

The thing is, abusers don't randomly attack. It's all very calculated in order to exert control: as with his hurting you around bedtime. I know you want to minimise the situation to feel safe, but your life isn't something worth gambling on. Money and possessions can be dealt with later; safety is the first priority, honestly.

I really hope you're able to make a call to Women's Aid, even if we can't provide an exact script for how it will go.

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 19/03/2019 13:08

Had a horrible night thinking and feeling sick about all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerw1ne · 19/03/2019 13:11

Posted too soon ^

Im considering sending an email instead, will think about what to write during the week.

I appreciate everyone’s concern but I really am safe for now, it’s not the situation in which a refuge is needed. Thank you though.

OP posts:
nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 19/03/2019 13:21

Please please get help. Your future self will thank you. Nothing can be worse for your family and friends than hearing you are dead. This is the reality of the situation you are in. Like others I've also lost a friend in this way. Friday she was in work moaning about her partner, Saturday she was dead having been found by her son stabbed. I also have a friend who managed to leave and is now in another relationship, with her own house and doing well. The choice is easier practically than it may appear but I do understand how hard it can be sometimes to see the danger you are in. Please see if you can make the first step and get some help. This will not go away

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 19/03/2019 13:30

You can copy and paste from here to write your email.

You are definitely worthy of their support.
You meet their criteria.

Good luck with it xx

Original poster
Summerw1ne · 19/03/2019 22:05

Wrote and deleted the email about 8 times today, just seems like a huge overreaction. I honestly can’t say I would leave if they suggested it either and that would mean I’ve taken away resources that could be used for someone in greater need and who will actually leave.

OP posts:
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