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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Infidelity in the navy.

65 replies

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 20:39

Would welcome thoughts from anyone connected to the navy in any way, firsthand experience rather than hearsay, please.

H joined the navy after we'd been together nearly a decade, I knew nothing about the life, but trusted him to continue to be faithful. We have never lived on a married patch for any length of time due to already owning our own home when he joined. When we did, it was one small street with lovely middle aged ladies with DC, so nothing overtly going on there.

On a few deployments, h has come back and mentioned colleagues (even with partners) seeing prostitutes, going to strip clubs, or hooking up with locals. But he assured me he didn't do any of that.

I recently found out that in his first few years living away from me, on base, he had a two month sexual affair with a trampy old friend of his who had shown an interest before he went into the navy, but had a bf at that time. As soon as as h found out they'd split, he was in there. He planned on leaving me for her, but changed his mind (after telling me he was leaving). I had to contact her to find this out, he denied it even when I told him I knew. Of course, he said he'd been completely faithful since then, and had told me everything. Except he hadn't. It's very difficult to verify things that happen while he's away, but I know he developed a porn addiction while telling me he didn't use it, had looked at a full dating profile and possibly others (just out of curiosity ), and he more recently admitted to a sex club while abroad (it was the only thing open at the time... Hmm), skinny dipping, and holding hands with a female colleague on a night out (he can't remember how it happened, he'd had a few drinks). There are also a few odd things I would normally suspect, such as a bunch of emails deleted from his secondary email acc (linked to gaming console) just before coming home from deployment, a search for tinder on google play while away, etc. So I'm almost convinced there's more, but he won't admit to anything big because his trampy friend was the only one I'd be able to contact and prove. The colleague whose hand he held didn't admit it, just said it was inappropriate and blocked me. No outright denial, but no admission either. Guess they're all too cowardly to be honest.

Anyway, after years of telling me not all navy personnel are cheats and liars, I've found out that he's exactly that. I'm not after comments about my particular situation, I've posted in the hope of getting an accurate picture of how rampant this behaviour is, from ppl who have been in, or closely associated with the navy. Are they practically all at it at one time or another? Should I expect there's more? Oh, and he went in as an officer too, so they're not any better than the younger rank and file. Specifically interested in the UK Royal Navy and the Australian RAN, if that makes a difference.

Thanks. Sad

OP posts:
hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 20:41

I live near Faslane naval base and I'm afraid to say over the years I've known and known of PLENTY of both male and female married personnel cheating on their significant others Confused

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 20:48

Thanks hilbil. Would you be able to estimate that as a proportion of the navy ppl you knew?

OP posts:
dragonsfire · 17/03/2019 20:52

Can’t say Navy but worked on a cruise ship and most had families at home but ‘friends with benefits on bord’ It’s just known as shiplife!

Wasn’t for me!

hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 21:02

@FritzDonovan I wouldn't be able to be that specific but I would say it's much higher than "locals".

scattercushion17 · 17/03/2019 21:03

Other branch experience.

Officers aren't necessarily older than the ratings. And behave worse because it's 'high jinks.' The ones who don't cheat are in the minority.

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 21:04

@hilbil21 you mean it's a higher proportion of cheating in the navy population than you have seen in the local 'civilian' population?

OP posts:
hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 21:06

Yep definitely. The people I've known of who have cheated have had partners down south so very little chance of them finding out I guess! Years and years ago I had a "long distance relationship" with a guy I met up here who turned out to have a wife! Not that I knew that and he didn't wear a ring. Swine!

Flower32 · 17/03/2019 21:15

I'm not sure about the navy but I think the military in general doesn't have a very good reputation for that kind of thing. I split up with my boyfriend who was in the raf after finding out he'd slept with 4 prostitutes behind my back and one of them was a gang bang. He didn't even seem to think it was that bad as everyone was doing it according to him! He'd been in the army previously and told me a story about how one of his colleagues on a short work trip away in Germany had postponed going home to his newborn baby (who he'd not yet seen) and wife so that he could fit in an extra visit to see a prostitute. Before this i'd dated another guy from the raf who used to go to strip clubs quite a bit I think. He had friends who were strippers apparently. I've come to the conclusion that there's a different kind of culture in the military and I've decided that I won't be dating any more military guys for that reason.

hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 21:16

I've heard stories of sailors sleeping with girls and stealing their pants, and there being a board that they stick them on when they get back to the base! Could be heresay but I doubt it Hmm

hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 21:17

Not that that's to do with cheating but just an insight into their vile mentality!

rollingdoll · 17/03/2019 21:17

Oh this really does make me want to cry...I’m 8 months in to a relationship with someone in the Navy and this is my greatest fear. There’s so much opportunity.

hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 21:19

@rollingdoll I also know loads of people who are in really solid marriages/relationships and wouldn't dream of cheating. They're not all bad

KatnissMellark · 17/03/2019 21:23

I wouldn't touch service personnel with a barge pole to be honest. I've known hundreds, literally. 3 of whom I think are faithful to their OHs.

4free · 17/03/2019 21:30

'A girl in every port' is a saying for a reason..

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 21:32

My DH is military, we're high school sweethearts together long before he joined and I trust him with my life. I guess you have to for a relationship with such unusual strains to survive. But yes adultery is rife, when he was deployed last year it was known as the "cheaters tour" as so many cheated on their partners and were victims of cheating from their partners at home, because unfortunately it's rife both ways! In my experience the worst offenders are the ones like you describe, who are older, in long term relationships with children who join later in life, it's like they have a mid life crisis and sudden new zest for life around all the young squaddies. Obviously it's generalisation, and I know many rock solid couples, but know many who have cheated too. No idea how the numbers compare statistically to civvy couples but I think as it's such a small community we hear about it a lot more.

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 21:33

Oh and I'm really sorry for what you're going through, if the one he has cheated on you with works with him I'd report it via welfare.

Jess499427 · 17/03/2019 21:44

My DH is in the Navy... I don’t think he would cheat on me. He does tell me stories of colleagues he’s been deployed with seeing other people while away, all of which usually end badly. I guess they all live in such close quarters that everyone knows everyone’s business and the spouse usually finds out and ends the relationship. Being away from home does provide extra opportunity but I’m not sure it makes someone more likely to cheat. And I think the rate at which others find out means that if they cheat, they’re very likely to get caught out.

Jess499427 · 17/03/2019 21:46

And @GoldenHour is right, you could report to welfare. It can result in one of them being moved to a different job to split them up.

MissChananderlerbong · 17/03/2019 21:49

I've just left the armed forces and there is a lot of cheating, I'd say on an exercise/deployment abroad maybe 30-40% of those with wives/girlfriends cheated. So not the majority but much higher than my civvie street friends.

My DH is ex armed forces too, and I totally trust him (as he does me), so its about picking the good ones!!

Sidge · 17/03/2019 21:52

I’m ex Navy, my ex husband is Navy, the woman he had an affair with is Navy. Most of my friends are Navy (currently or ex) and I also have lots of friendships with other service personnel.

I would say fidelity is rare and precious. Military life seems (IMO) rife with porn use, prostitute use, cheating. It does work both ways, it was a standing joke that the day a ship sailed all the wives left behind were down a local pub and club looking for shags.

It’s an unpleasant lifestyle for many, and permeated with disrespect and misogyny.

ahtellthee · 17/03/2019 21:53

I know a few military guys who have always cheated (with families back home). I don't know a single one who hasn't.
Sorry...

Spaceunicorn6789 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Oh god my DP is in the process of joining the RFA 😭

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 17/03/2019 21:59

So sorry you are going through this. I would not stay with a man who cheated on me. I wouldn’t care how many of his colleagues are doing the same. At the end of the day my relationship is only with my husband.

Also you call the woman trampy but not your husband. How is she a tramp (very sexist term) but not your husband given the long list of philanderous behaviour he has embarked on? P

Fishdoggy · 17/03/2019 22:00

Ex was Royal Marine. (Band). Cheating is absolutely rife. Doubt I could count the faithful numbers on one hand. Partners who say "mine would never do that" are talking like faith preachers. It ain't real people and what happens away stays away is the mentality. The pp who mentioned the pant collection. Yes, that's real and the "granny" and "pig" competitions too. Vile mentality. Would take a very strong person to resist being sucked into it all.

Dieu · 17/03/2019 22:00

Funnily enough, this thread has brought back memories of being 15 years old, and doing some babysitting for a local RAF family (there was a base nearby). The husband came on to me Confused