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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Infidelity in the navy.

65 replies

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 20:39

Would welcome thoughts from anyone connected to the navy in any way, firsthand experience rather than hearsay, please.

H joined the navy after we'd been together nearly a decade, I knew nothing about the life, but trusted him to continue to be faithful. We have never lived on a married patch for any length of time due to already owning our own home when he joined. When we did, it was one small street with lovely middle aged ladies with DC, so nothing overtly going on there.

On a few deployments, h has come back and mentioned colleagues (even with partners) seeing prostitutes, going to strip clubs, or hooking up with locals. But he assured me he didn't do any of that.

I recently found out that in his first few years living away from me, on base, he had a two month sexual affair with a trampy old friend of his who had shown an interest before he went into the navy, but had a bf at that time. As soon as as h found out they'd split, he was in there. He planned on leaving me for her, but changed his mind (after telling me he was leaving). I had to contact her to find this out, he denied it even when I told him I knew. Of course, he said he'd been completely faithful since then, and had told me everything. Except he hadn't. It's very difficult to verify things that happen while he's away, but I know he developed a porn addiction while telling me he didn't use it, had looked at a full dating profile and possibly others (just out of curiosity ), and he more recently admitted to a sex club while abroad (it was the only thing open at the time... Hmm), skinny dipping, and holding hands with a female colleague on a night out (he can't remember how it happened, he'd had a few drinks). There are also a few odd things I would normally suspect, such as a bunch of emails deleted from his secondary email acc (linked to gaming console) just before coming home from deployment, a search for tinder on google play while away, etc. So I'm almost convinced there's more, but he won't admit to anything big because his trampy friend was the only one I'd be able to contact and prove. The colleague whose hand he held didn't admit it, just said it was inappropriate and blocked me. No outright denial, but no admission either. Guess they're all too cowardly to be honest.

Anyway, after years of telling me not all navy personnel are cheats and liars, I've found out that he's exactly that. I'm not after comments about my particular situation, I've posted in the hope of getting an accurate picture of how rampant this behaviour is, from ppl who have been in, or closely associated with the navy. Are they practically all at it at one time or another? Should I expect there's more? Oh, and he went in as an officer too, so they're not any better than the younger rank and file. Specifically interested in the UK Royal Navy and the Australian RAN, if that makes a difference.

Thanks. Sad

OP posts:
MissChananderlerbong · 17/03/2019 22:01

space we're both ex-RAF, as per my post MOST dont, but its definitely more rife than civvie street.
Strip clubs are also far more accepted. My civvie guy mates dont go, but my RAF mates think it's really normal.

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 22:03

@Spaceunicorn6789 don't panic. The military doesn't turn men into cheaters, it just gives cheaters an easy platform, but in my experience much more likely to get caught! It is ridiculous to assume anyone knows your partner, or every person in the military. You know your partner, some are more likely to get "defined" by the role than others, but just keep talking. The military is a make or break situation for many couples, I feel our relationship is much stronger for it.

hilbil21 · 17/03/2019 22:03

@Fishdoggy I was pretty sure it was real but because I've never seen it with my own eyes (thank goodness!) didn't want to say for definite

AnyFucker · 17/03/2019 22:03

Christ how depressing

Op....your H is a sleazy pig. It doesn't matter what % of other Navy personnel are sleazy pigs.

Just get shut of him and never look back

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 22:11

And you only need to go on the relationships board to see how rife cheating is end of, but much easier to cover up, when you live in a small community where you all know each other's spouses it's going to be more visible. When a civvy goes away on a course chances are what they do stays between them and their co workers, when one of the lads cheat they have a number of witnesses who go back and tell their partners who all know each other and before you know it the whole patch knows.

ihatemoving · 17/03/2019 22:12

Currently still serving. While I imagine there's a lot more cheating than on civvy street but not everyone is at it. Last time I was away there was a big push to go to a strip club for someone's birthday. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount who wouldn't even entertain it.

A lot of the guys have relationships troubles because of a lack of trust from their partners back home who hear rumours about 'everyone doing it' which is a real shame.

I called off a relationship with a civvie in the past because he couldn't get his head round me going away with a load of blokes all the time, being mates with them and going out with them (as a group). The jealousy, controlling behaviour and constantly having to appease him was draining.

It's also quite common for wife's and girlfriends to have issues with serving females. We didn't all join up to steal your man, I promise :0)

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 22:16

He didn't even seem to think it was that bad as everyone was doing it according to him!

Yeah, this is the excuse I got about the copious amounts of porn, so he no doubt thought all the rest was fine as well.

I have no reason not to call his affair partner trampy, she knew he was with me at the time, he's equally as trampy. She wasn't in the navy. I doubt he'd tell me anything serious about him and any current colleague, for fear I would report it.
And it would deserve to be reported. Bunch of bastards.

Sorry for anyone in a relatively new forces relationship. With hindsight, I'd leave. I honestly thought he was one of the good guys, with morals and integrity, and he turned out to be just as shitty as the rest of them. It might not affect everyone, but as a pp said, massive opportunity with no risk of getting caught while away, and it's obviously a normalized thing which surrounds then pretty much all the time. Ic you don't have decent boundaries and personal integrity, you'd just go along with it, as he did.

We were perfectly fine for seven years before he joined up. Less than two years in he was fucking someone else.

OP posts:
GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 22:18

@ihatemoving my DH works with someone who thrives off this "all the wives hate me, they think I want to fuck their husbands" it's a bit cringe, she loves to say it in front of wives at family events etc. I have more serving friends than I do partner friends, I have more in common with them as most of the partners around here are SAHMs so I'm a bit out of the loop with them. I have to say it's hard on the serving ones too, all the banter about the cheating that goes on at home while they're away, it takes a lot of trust and strength both ways to be in a military relationship.

UnderHerEye · 17/03/2019 22:20

The problem isn’t the opportunity it’s the fact that some people will use it.
In other words - being in the forces won’t make a person cheat on their partner, it’s being an untrustworthy snake that makes people cheat on their partner.

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 22:21

A lot of the guys have relationships troubles because of a lack of trust from their partners back home who hear rumours about 'everyone doing it' which is a real shame.

I very much doubt this is as high as the number who had relationship problems because their navy partner is messing around on them. As I said, I trusted him for a long time. I asked him about a number of things after relevant deployments, he lied through his teeth. For eg, after they'd been to Amsterdam, he told me about a colleague going to prostitutes, I asked if he'd been anywhere dodgy. Lighthearted, not accusatory, because I thought he wasn't that kind of person. He lied. Told me two weeks ago he'd been yo a sex club. Hardly likely to admit to prostitutes though, is he?

OP posts:
FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 22:23

It's also quite common for wife's and girlfriends to have issues with serving females. We didn't all join up to steal your man, I promise :0)

It's not just the serving females though, is it? You might be a female who doesn't sleep with colleagues, but the vast majority of cheating isn't just with colleagues, AFAIK.

OP posts:
ihatemoving · 17/03/2019 22:30

@GoldenHour yer I know some like that too but weirdly they are the ones who seem to love all the attention!

I had a bosses wife drunkenly say to me and a friend once "oh I had to meet you to see if you were pretty because DH is always mentioning you both" It was so awkward, I didn't know what to say. I think she was pleased after meeting us that we weren't skinny and young. My boss was mortified.

HollySwift · 17/03/2019 22:32

I grew up near a naval base (still live here). It is RIFE. I don’t know of a single matelot who hasn’t done it.

Sorry, OP.

We local girls are warned off Navy lads from day one.

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 22:33

@ihatemoving ha bless, I guess I do get curious about female colleagues especially as he used to be infantry so no women (back then!) but it's such a small unit it doesn't take long to meet everyone, it is nice being able to meet who he works with (male and female). Love the username, not conducive to this lifestyle lol.

S021 · 17/03/2019 22:34

In other words - being in the forces won’t make a person cheat on their partner, it’s being an untrustworthy snake that makes people cheat on their partner

The trouble is that if you’re surrounded by behaviour like that it becomes the norm and more acceptable.

362537475z · 17/03/2019 22:35

I am serving and my ex H isn’t, when I deployed I stayed faithful whereas he didn’t. It has taken me years to realise that is who he is, if it hadn’t been that women it would have been another, my job allowed him the opportunity which he took (and later regretted), I don’t think people in the military cheat more so than other people though.

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 22:35

@ihatemoving I note that you didn't care to mention the proportion of ppl you have known while serving, who have cheated on partners...

OP posts:
ihatemoving · 17/03/2019 22:36

@FritzDonovan your DP does sound like he shouldn't be trusted and I'm sorry you've had to put up with his shit.
I really don't know about the stats and can only talk about what my experience has been. I'm also aware that people I work with may stop themselves getting up to no good around me because they don't want to risk me mentioning back home (friends with lots of the wifes)
Also I think you are correct about affairs with colleagues; I imagine most wouldn't want to shit on their own doorstep x

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 22:37

@S021 I think there's some truth in that. The day my DH tells me in a blase attitude about someone cheating is the day I start to worry. I think the constant "banter" amongst them about partners cheating at home and how many of them have friends who have been cheated on also fuels this and the "normality" of it, amongst the insecure.

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 22:40

@ihatemoving but what has your experience been? 50% of the serving members you know have cheated? More? Less?

OP posts:
ihatemoving · 17/03/2019 22:43

@FritzDonovan way less!!! I couldn't put a number on it because it would be different if you were on deployment or exercise, if you were in a party town, if alcohol is involved.
If you wanted me to put a number on it spread over my entire career I would say about 15% however it will differ from unit to unit I imagine and like I said up thread I imagine some stuff is kept out of my view too x

CherryPavlova · 17/03/2019 22:44

I know many naval officers and like any walk of life where there are numerous young people together, inevitably some will be promiscuous. The married ones I know are enduringly faithful. They have had long and happy marriages and have a very high moral code. I’m sure some people play away from home but that’s true of people that work in the post office, train drivers, teachers and firemen. If people are going to be unfaithful then they are going to be unfaithful. You can’t blame the job for immorality.

FritzDonovan · 17/03/2019 23:03

You can’t blame the job for immorality.

A massive coincidence then that we had no problems until he joined up.

@ihatemoving thanks, but what about those figures when on deployment? Or living away from e, in Portsmouth, for example, drinking regularly with mates? He's been on many deployments, often to stereotypically dodgy places, going out every single opportunity he can to eat, drink, and socialise. And has also lived away from home through the week, back some weekends. With plenty of evenings out drinking. Incidentally, this was the situation when he got together with his trampy friend. So how high would you estimate the proportion of cheats in those cases?

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 17/03/2019 23:07

Affairs are rampant in all the Armed Forces. Trust your gut, he already cheated and lied, of course there will be more. It's up to you how you deal with it but I'm sure life would be so much better away from him.

GoldenHour · 17/03/2019 23:08

@FritzDonovan I'm sorry but your DH is a tool and that doesn't make every other military person a tool. I can tell from your description he is a classic mid life crisis military type who joined up later and ditched his family for the lifestyle, I have seen it happen too many times to count. He probably had it in his mind exactly how he was going to embrace before he even joined up. Not every military person goes out like that, for many I know it is just job and not a lifestyle, they do the obligatory beer calls but don't go out drinking at every opportunity. I know it's easy to scape goat the job but chances are he would have let you down one way or another whether he joined up or not.