End of the road with husband?

[CeceJo]

Looking for advice. I am seriously struggling with my husband. We have a 6 month old daughter (our first) and I feel completely alone in my marriage. He does nothing around the house or diy other than cook (which I think is great but is clearly the best choice, I would enjoy doing it if I didn’t have a million other chores to do as well!), he flat out ignores me most days then asks for sex, and guess who’s not interested... he has to be asked to help with looking after dd and denies there is any issue with our relationship. He says it’s me and I’m always unhappy and always have been, he says I always start fights (not true) and dismisses my feelings. I have tried on multiple occasions to explain that there is too much workload for me with looking after baby and the house, I get broken sleep and breastfeed so I am knackered, and he says he does pull his weight so what’s the problem (denial of any issue). I have tried explaining that he is not attentive to my feelings and doesn’t show me any attention and he just says I’m needy and he doesn’t want to to anything nice following me bringing it up as why would you be nice to someone who forces you to (I get that), however he still wants sex which I don’t want since he’s basically ignored my needs. I asked him last night if he thought we had a good marriage and he said it was fine and ended up arguing. My main concern is for my daughter - on top of my unhappiness which I don’t want for myself, I don’t want her to learn that this is what a normal marriage looks like. However; I am not sure I'm ready to leave my husband as I still love him, and I am frightened that it will be the wrong thing to do for our family, finances and baby girl. Has anyone else had a relationship with someone like this and what did you do to work on it? Is there ever any getting through to him or will he be like this for the rest of my life and should I leave him for the sake of my daughter? I don’t want her to grow up in an unhappy marriage :(

Has he never pulled his weight with housework or is it since you've had the baby?

I'd turn the question back to him - why isn't "being nice" the default with someone you're supposed to love and being sharing your life with?

No he's never pulled his weight - we used to have massive rows about it before baby. I've tried suggesting rotas, your week vs. My week etc as I work full time as well in quite a stressful job. The difference is he just feels it doesn't need doing and I'm saying it's a once a week job! The compromise we ended up making (well I have compromised) is that he does all the cooking and then I do the lions share with everything else and nag him to help with bits and bobs.

Re being nice I think he just finds it another chore - his version is to make everything sexual; like when I bend down to fill the dishwasher for example he'll just grope at me. If I complain I'm a moan or don't have a sense of humour. It's very frustrating and in the end I walk a fine line between what I'm willing to put up with and feeling sad because I don't get the kind of emotional connection I need :( I'm just not sure how else to tackle it or if it's just the only way to leave him?

Ugh.

Category12 I know. What would you do?

This is really hard as he's shutting down all conversation. I'd say the issues you have are fixable, but he needs to understand they really are issues and not minimise your feelings all the time. Can you spell out to him how bad it is? Can you go to counselling?

I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but I'd tell him that if things don't get better (and be specific about what better is - actual behaviour you want to see from him), then you'll be leaving in 6 months (or timeframe which seems right for you). He's taking you for granted, and may not realise how close he is to losing you.

Well he doesn't listen to you and has never pulled his weight, and frankly it's not in his interests to change currently. From his point of view the marriage is fine.

He can be a lazy uninvolved bastard and ignore you, and he still gets to have a nice family unit and home. All he needs to do, when you get stroppy, is deny it, turn it round on you and argue, then you'll STFU and go back to doing it all again and he can continue to do fuck all. The groping is grim and I don't think it's really about sex, it's about putting you in place.

Maybe the nuclear option of leaving would frighten him out of his complacency. Not sure what else there is, as he's too busy shutting you down to actually listen to you and see the damage he's doing to the relationship.

He sounds like so many men-as long as they get what they want everything is fine, he has no reason to get involved in any difficult conversations that might mean he has to change. Make sure you are prepared to follow through any ultimatum you give, because otherwise he will feel he has carte blanche to be even lazier /insensitive. Good luck but honestly think he's unlikely to change.

It's a shame you married and had a baby with a man you were already unhappy with. But what's done is done.

Are you sure it's not partly to do with different standards of housekeeping? Because you say:

I've tried suggesting rotas, your week vs. My week etc as I work full time as well in quite a stressful job. The difference is he just feels it doesn't need doing and I'm saying it's a once a week job!

I'm very vague about housework and probably wouldn't agree with the rota of a houseproud partner. I guess I'm saying why are your standards correct and his aren't? Maybe he feels your attitudes are too high just as you think his are too low.

The groping is rank, though. No excuse for that. In any relationship with small children, foreplay starts at breakfast. You're not going to want to have sex with someone who treats you badly and the sooner he realises that the better.

You right he’s wrong but I’m doubtful he will change.
My ex used to fondle me when I was washing up. I told him numerous times I didn’t like it. It was about him not respecting my feelings.
He was abusive emotionally and physical. In his mind He thinks it’s your job to do these!!!
Read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do this”

@lunabody thanks, that's useful re talking and timeframe. I suggested counselling when I was pregnant as it came to a head then too - but he shut me down. He doesn't feel he needs any help because denial of any issue. Also I should just "try to be happy" instead of"creating issues". I moved in with my mum for a week and in the end went back and apologised because I thought it must just be me (hormonal etc?)

@Prawnofthematriarchy yes if I could go back in time I think I probably would but still I have a beautiful baby girl from him if nothing else.

It's been a lot to invest and hard work to get to this point so I'm struggling with the notion of packing it in (as I've done before when considering it).

Re housework yes I think that's it - I have different standards but sadly have tried the card of leaving everything to him and seeing how rank it gets. He cannot handle it and gets angry! I worked abroad (literally other side of world) for a week and asked please please tidy before I get home but he just didn't do anything - it's about the willingness and lazy attitude I think more than standard.

Thanks @Mary1935, I'll give it a try

It does sound like the end of the road

If you love him I'd try marriage counselling first

Necessity is the mother of all inve

Given that he was always like this and you have told him many times, I think you need to accept that this is who he is and there isn’t a better version of him waiting round the corner.

The ball is really in your court, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker. Staying and hand wringing, you’ve got that t-shirt and it hasn’t worked.

Can you afford a cleaner as that might help with the arguments over the cleaning?

The groping is horrible though - a smart heel down on the top of the foot might help him realise you don’t like it.

He sounds crap. He won’t change. Sorry OP.

Don’t waste your life and love and humour and kindness on someone like - that.

Maybe he will make more effort if he registers that you're on the point of ending the marriage. Perhaps sit him down and explain that you're really unhappy enough to split up. Because he appears not to be taking your POV seriously. Tell him that he can ignore you as much as he wants but that won't protect him from a divorce.

My advice is get the hell out. My husband was exactly the same. Things get worse over time. I wish after 16 years that i just left in the beginning. I want to leave now. It will not improve hun x

Get a cleaner. Tell him he hasn't listened and you've tried to tell numerous times you need more help round the house. You should be looking after yourself and your baby at this point, not a manchild x

I suggested cleaner - he thinks it's ridiculous. I did the same with the garden, I couldn't look after it whilst heavily pregnant or with small baby and he said no and I just ignored him and booked someone. He gave me a load of shit about it but is now used to it so perhaps I'll just do the same. He's so lazy I can't believe it, I'm ashamed to waste the money be honest. Perhaps you're right and he won't change and is just crap and so my feelings about leaving are probably the best ones to follow - are there any good guys who will want me now I've got a baby and spent 10 years with someone else?! Any success stories helpful here!!

I should further mention that looking after the house is only part of it, I could deal with it if I felt truly respected and valued I guess even if it is unfair. I suppose he just cannot empathise with me which is why I have resorted to checking online whether my feelings are justified!

I have a 6 month too and I get annoyed about cleaning. My previous post is what I've told DP I'm doing. He genuinely thinks he does plenty around the house!

The most annoying thing is when he suggests he should take the baby out on a lovely walk so I can have peace and quiet to get the house cleaned! X