End of the road with husband?

[CeceJo]

Looking for advice. I am seriously struggling with my husband. We have a 6 month old daughter (our first) and I feel completely alone in my marriage. He does nothing around the house or diy other than cook (which I think is great but is clearly the best choice, I would enjoy doing it if I didn’t have a million other chores to do as well!), he flat out ignores me most days then asks for sex, and guess who’s not interested... he has to be asked to help with looking after dd and denies there is any issue with our relationship. He says it’s me and I’m always unhappy and always have been, he says I always start fights (not true) and dismisses my feelings. I have tried on multiple occasions to explain that there is too much workload for me with looking after baby and the house, I get broken sleep and breastfeed so I am knackered, and he says he does pull his weight so what’s the problem (denial of any issue). I have tried explaining that he is not attentive to my feelings and doesn’t show me any attention and he just says I’m needy and he doesn’t want to to anything nice following me bringing it up as why would you be nice to someone who forces you to (I get that), however he still wants sex which I don’t want since he’s basically ignored my needs. I asked him last night if he thought we had a good marriage and he said it was fine and ended up arguing. My main concern is for my daughter - on top of my unhappiness which I don’t want for myself, I don’t want her to learn that this is what a normal marriage looks like. However; I am not sure I'm ready to leave my husband as I still love him, and I am frightened that it will be the wrong thing to do for our family, finances and baby girl. Has anyone else had a relationship with someone like this and what did you do to work on it? Is there ever any getting through to him or will he be like this for the rest of my life and should I leave him for the sake of my daughter? I don’t want her to grow up in an unhappy marriage :(

I agree that he won't change but I also agree to try counselling before going down the separation/Divorce route.

If after a good period of couples counselling (or on your own if he won't) nothing changes then you know your answer. Separate, get child maintenance for daughter and get a cleaner to take the edge off some of the daily grind for you.

BTW I'm just so keen to have a nice family and loving relationship to bring my daughter up with. If you do split/divorce I'd give yourself time to yourself and your daughter before getting involved with anyone else. Then Learn to look out for red flags and acting on them (ie stay clear) from potential partners before getting them involved in your life and the life of your daughter. Good luck.

I'm not sure how long you have been together but wow did your post resonates with me. I was with my ex (not married) for 12 years and we have a 4 year old together. He was always lazy, dismissive and just distant. But if I ever said anything he would say I expected too much and was clingy. It got to the point where I was starting to believe that I was actually the issue. I decided I would give it 6 months. He ended the relationship after 2 months saying I deserved happiness 🙄🙄🙄🙄 ya think. I know it's hard, and my self esteem was shot to pieces but honestly I just wish I didn't spend so many years hoping he would turn into the man I wanted him to be. Definitely do counselling and have a timescale in your head (but don't tell him). Big hugs.

I'm afraid your question "How do I get him to read this and take it in without a giant "you're a control freak" battle is the next question!" speaks volumes, and not in a good way.

You're walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. He has no problem upsetting you. This is not a balanced relationship.

It takes two to have a relationship. For it to be happy, both sides need to feel valued. If you're not valued you dont have to stay, you don't need his permission.

I think he sounds awful, and think your future would be far happier without him.

The bottom line is, you don't need his permission to end it.

You don't need to present a watertight case that proves he isn't doing enough housework, or giving you enough care and attention.

You can just say 'This isn't working for me, I am separating from you. I have tried to talk but it's clear from your responses that you really don't see any issue, so the answer is that we want different things from our life partners. It's maybe no-one's fault.' Then when he yells and blames you, you blandly say 'I'm sorry you feel like that, if it makes it easier to blame me there isn't anything I can do.'

That's it.

FWIW its sounds as if you've tried as hard as you can to get him to see. And it looks like he genuinely CAN'T see an issue! So you just mentally shrug and turn your attention on what you need to do to walk away, rather than banging your head against a brick wall forever.

Then you just work out the practicalities. Tough if you both own the house and he stalls on selling though.

You’re not ‘the bad person’ in this instance and frankly you’re being very self-defeating and passive to even think like that. You need to find your strength and self-respect, because he certainly isn’t being respectful of you and won’t change. You can do it, a x you deserve better.

Re your question are there good men who will value/appreciate you after all this if you do split up...the answer is very definitely yes! There are lots of lovely, decent men out there and there is also the chance to live your own life, in a hone that you have created for your child and yourself that nobody else can muck-up or make you feel inferior in, grope you in, make you feel awful in. I was a single parent to my baby daughter years ago...it was so much nicer than having an unpleasant partner. Now, we’ll now I’m married to a wonderfully lovely and kind man and feel he cherishes ne as much as I do him. He is a fantastic step-father and father and my best friend.

You can do anything, just remember life is too short for not being appreciated.