End of the road with husband?

[CeceJo]

Looking for advice. I am seriously struggling with my husband. We have a 6 month old daughter (our first) and I feel completely alone in my marriage. He does nothing around the house or diy other than cook (which I think is great but is clearly the best choice, I would enjoy doing it if I didn’t have a million other chores to do as well!), he flat out ignores me most days then asks for sex, and guess who’s not interested... he has to be asked to help with looking after dd and denies there is any issue with our relationship. He says it’s me and I’m always unhappy and always have been, he says I always start fights (not true) and dismisses my feelings. I have tried on multiple occasions to explain that there is too much workload for me with looking after baby and the house, I get broken sleep and breastfeed so I am knackered, and he says he does pull his weight so what’s the problem (denial of any issue). I have tried explaining that he is not attentive to my feelings and doesn’t show me any attention and he just says I’m needy and he doesn’t want to to anything nice following me bringing it up as why would you be nice to someone who forces you to (I get that), however he still wants sex which I don’t want since he’s basically ignored my needs. I asked him last night if he thought we had a good marriage and he said it was fine and ended up arguing. My main concern is for my daughter - on top of my unhappiness which I don’t want for myself, I don’t want her to learn that this is what a normal marriage looks like. However; I am not sure I'm ready to leave my husband as I still love him, and I am frightened that it will be the wrong thing to do for our family, finances and baby girl. Has anyone else had a relationship with someone like this and what did you do to work on it? Is there ever any getting through to him or will he be like this for the rest of my life and should I leave him for the sake of my daughter? I don’t want her to grow up in an unhappy marriage :(

@porridgeface OMG infuriating and insulting!! I hope your husband is more receptive to logic and equality than mine and good for you re cleaner.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy yes we do need to have a serious chat. We've done this a couple of times and whilst I was pregnant discussed that it might be better for us both and baby if we separated. The trouble we had then was that he convinces himself (and in turn pits it all on me) that everything I mention and any problem we have is mine, my responsibility and therefore is my responsibility to create my own happiness - he takes no responsibility for it. I fear that if I go down this route I will never get the satisfaction of his empathy or understanding and yes it will end in divorce which perhaps is better. It's just a very scary prospect and I have to decide whether it's the right thing

There's more to life than finding the next bloke. But yes of course women find new partners after children and long-term relationships with other people.

Yes of course you're right I'm just so keen to have a nice family and loving relationship to bring my daughter up with

My stbxh did absolutely nothing in the house even though I have health problems which effects how I function around the house. I fell out of love with him because he did nothing for me but wanted sex I felt used. If your in love with husband please tell how you feel. I'm sure he doesn't want you to lose respect for him. When that's gone love go next. Good luck xx

The real question is do you ever think you will get the nice and happy family with him because I don’t think you will and if not why are you staying

I’d go against the grain a bit here and say give things a bit longer. It’s early days after having a baby.

You can take steps to get things sorted and walking away seems a drastic option if you love him.

Get a cleaner. Who cares what he thinks.

The baby stage is always tough and it may just be worth seeing if you can work things about by more talking etc.

This happily ever after stuff you talk about is not as easy as it sounds, especially if you split up.

I'm just so keen to have a nice family and loving relationship to bring my daughter up with

I'm sorry, but you know that this isn't that relationship.

I don’t want her to learn that this is what a normal marriage looks like.
There you go. If you want counselling, do it on your own and use it to build your confidence to ditch this shirking, disrespecting, lump.

You deserve a much better relationship than this one.

Are you sure you're not married to my exH? How bloody similar!

Thanks @Anlaf and @Yoyo10000 both sides of the coin there. From all your advice I think I'm going to start Relate counselling and set a timeframe for myself (3 months) to see if I still feel the same way. At least this gives me actionable things I can do right now and focus on. I fully appreciate marriage is hard work but sadly I don't have a good role model to turn to to ask or see how it's done. Dh is the same to be honest as we're both from divorced families. I know it's cyclical behaviour too so odds are probably stacked against us!

Agree with getting a cleaner. I always reckon if DH won't do his half of the cleaning, he should pay for a cleaner to do it. Either/or - doesn't matter which, but half of the cleaning is his to sort.

Does he do all the shopping as well as all the cooking? Will he be preparing meals for the baby as well when they start weaning? That's actually quite a big job in totality, and very different from if he's just once a day doing one meal for yours/his dinner.

Your problem is not feeling equally respected by him (and the groping - yuk). It sounds as if he's always seen housework as 'women's work'. I couldn't have been in a relationship with someone like that.

He orders Tesco delivery once a week. He does weeknight meals mainly, for example I've cooked every meal since Friday night so far and as I'm home with baby I cook all her stuff anyway. I'm not saying I don't appreciate what he does do, but I don't think it comes close to even workload.

I think our biggest problem is the lack of empathy or understanding. He just doesn't see that I have an issue with housework or anything else (lack of attention to me or showing kindness/love).

He will come home from work and spend the entire evening looking at his phone and then at weekends we have been really busy seeing family due to new arrival so we're not connecting at all. I mention this to him as I find it lonely and he just wants me to stop creating issues.

I know the standard line of I've just got home from work so I'm tired bla bla bla but it's a load of rubbish, since I've been looking after a small child all day and all night plus keeping house and I don't get two minutes to myself to do as I please... he has no understanding of that and that when he gets home he should treat me as another human in the room rather than him just being alone with his phone...

Do I ask too much do you think? Am I making too much of an issue?

It sounds like he has everything the way he likes it & doesn't want to change.

I don't think it's about the housework per se, so a cleaner will just mask the real issue: which is that he ignores your needs & stonewalls you.

I agree counselling on your own is the best way forward.

There is a danger that he is feeling a bit pushed out too which can happen when a baby comes along. Maybe he is feeling a bit disconnected. I went through something similar and looking back, my beahaviout was a bit obsessive. This constant need to
feel like you are doing the right thing. Must breastfeed, must keep house tidy, must have baby in a sleep routine etc etc. It’s very easy to lose yourself post baby. I did.

Maybe ease off the breastfeeding now to give yourself a break too. I found that exhausting and 6 months is a great effort.

Are you taking full ownership of the baby responsibilities? If so, he needs to become more involved.

His actions, words and responses are not good though so he does need telling and you need to set your stall out.

Give it a few more months though and let him know how you are feeling and what is on the line.

It isn’t easy splitting up though and finding a white knight to rescue you when you have a baby is just a pipe dream.

Get a cleaner? Get a cleaner???!!!!

Get some counselling. Give him a timeframe to change (not long: weeks, not months). If he doesn't, leave him; continue counselling; then get a cleaner.

How miserable. You poor thing. He’s a dick. Sounds as though you would be far more content without him.

No you're not asking too much OP. My DH is surgically attached to the internet and plays video games as his hobby, but it got to the point where he would never sit down to dinner with me because he "just needed to finish this bit of the game". I raised it with him and he sorted it out. We now have dinner together and spend at least an hour of an evening chatting or hurling insults at the tv together. I know for his own interests it wouldn't be his first choice, but he's prioritising our relationship as he knows I would find it pretty shit otherwise. If he's not engaging with you then of course your relationship will drift and die

No, you're not asking too much. It doesn't sound like a relationship anymore.

He sounds awful, frankly.

If you wouldn't want your daughter to grow up and stay with someone who treated her this way, then you shouldn't either.

I'd tell him frankly that your marriage is in danger of ending, and if he doesn't start listening, and join you in counselling, he may as well start packing.

I'm just so keen to have a nice family and loving relationship to bring my daughter up with

You will never get that with him. Best to cut your losses now before your dd is old enough to learn damaging lessons about how men are always in charge and women have to do all the shitwork whilst shutting the fuck up about it

Yep. You are way past the chequered flag of what is an acceptable relationship. I think you will find life easier on your own because at least you won't be wasting emotional energy on this loser.

Read "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink"

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_n_9055288

And maybe get him to read it too.

It explains clearly that the issue isn't about e.g. leaving a glass beside the dishwasher instead of putting it in it, it's about the attitude towards the person who the job is being left for, the disrespect it shows.

The issue is he doesn’t think he needs to have a connection with you, parent the baby, give a toss about you and your needs, or how you feel.

By all means paper over the cracks with a cleaner but it won’t solve any of this.

Don’t spend money on a cleaner. Spend it on counselling, figure out why you’ve ended up in this non relationship.

dd needs to have a relationship with this man. You do not. You do not ‘need’ any man.

Counselling is a good move, OP. Good luck

No, he won't change and now is the time to get out of this marriage.

@HelenUrth OMG that article is spot on. How do I get him to read this and take it in without a giant "you're a control freak" battle is the next question! I can't believe how true that all is and how much it makes sense. I do feel like the bad person for raising such stupid stuff and dissolving the "marital peace" but then this is the alternative isn't it!

It's not stupid or petty, it's the drip drip drip of disrespect.