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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trying to end a friendship but they won't take the hint... Arghh

66 replies

Blueskyes · 15/03/2019 23:40

I'm trying to end a friendship as I just don't have a fun time in her company. Bit childish, but to avoid 'drama' I figured I'd just say I'm busy when she extends an invitation to come round. I just figured she would take the hint (as I would). It's by no means a long or close friendship - had a run of hanging in last year. She has twins so prefers to stay in, which is fine. However the kids both have a healthy pair of lungs and put them to great use - it really is something to behold. On top of that we don't have much in common to talk about and don't even have a laugh. We just end up watching TV and listening to the children scream without missing a beat. Shall I be a grown up and tell her I just don't want to hang out (cringe), or stay on this path of avoidance hoping she'll take the hint. The reason for this is that she sent me a email wondering what was going on, why I was seemingly avoiding her, that I better dare not keep avoiding her, and she expects to see me soon, plus the kids are asking for me, which doesn't make sense as they were always having such a great time exploring sound i dont know how they knew i was there. Arghhhh - it's all a bit bizarre to me. I'd understand if we were lifelong friends, but far, far from it.

OP posts:

GoFiguire · 15/03/2019 23:44

Yes.

mumsie8 · 15/03/2019 23:44

I dunno but i at ur having such a great time exploring sound. Just maybe keep on doing as your doing and hope she takes the hint or a simple 'i'm really busy right now. I'll let you know when i'm around to catch up." or not

Kintan · 15/03/2019 23:55

I think as she has now directly asked you, it’s not fair to carry on with the cowardly path. Just tell her the truth - that you don’t enjoying spending time at her home, and if you want to sugar coat it say you’ll be happy to meet out somewhere (even though you know full well she won’t as she prefers hanging out at home).

Musti · 15/03/2019 23:59

Just tell her that she's a nice person but you feel you don't have much in common so there isn't much point hanging out together.

HomoHeinekenensis · 16/03/2019 00:00

Send, "No I'm good. I've just got a tonne of stuff on my plate right now" If she persists, keep telling her the same and if she wants to know the nature of what you have on your plate just say you would rather keep it to yourself and repeat ad infinitum.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/03/2019 01:54

"you better not dare be avoiding her" "i expect to see you soon" i'd text back to that alone i don't appreciate veiled threats and i dont want to see her again.

RainbowCushion · 16/03/2019 02:21

As she’s asked directly if you don’t address this honestly you’re a passive aggressive coward

NotTheFordType · 16/03/2019 02:49

I better dare not keep avoiding her

Was this sent with tongue in cheek emojis and/or exclamation marks, or just as is?

"You better not dare keep avoiding me! 🤣"
is a lot different to
"You better not dare keep avoiding me."

Regardless, you are an adult and can be direct. "Sorry but I don't think we have much in common and our kids don't like each other" should cover it.

NuffSaidSam · 16/03/2019 03:03

'You better not dare keep avoiding me!'

That must be a joke. Otherwise she'd be a psychopath and the OP hasn't mentioned that in the list of reasons why she doesn't like her.

'Her twins are noisy, we don't have a laugh, it's a bit boring... Oh yeah and she's a psychopath!'

GoFiguire · 16/03/2019 07:16

Tell her you’ve got measles.

AuntMarch · 16/03/2019 07:20

How old are the children? Old enough to blame? 🤔

EssentialHummus · 16/03/2019 07:22

Just tell her that she's a nice person but you feel you don't have much in common so there isn't much point hanging out together.

This is fine imo.

purpleelk · 16/03/2019 07:30

Pretty simple. You invite her somewhere that she would dread going with the twin....

-Hey you want to come over ...

-hiya, sorry I’ve already got plans to visit a zen garden and booked a 30 minute meditation slot ... you and the twins want to join me?

-hiya, just in town... fancy joining me at the art gallery? They’ve got some lovely new glass sculptures (oh, but just to warn you they have a you break/you pay policy on their artwork)

Basically every time she invites you over, you counter with great but let’s meet up somewhere you will never want to go to with twin. Then she declines.

And point out, sorry but you’re always “hanging out” at hers and you would prefer to do meet out.

pictish · 16/03/2019 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Blueskyes · 16/03/2019 09:04

@almostajillsandwich @notthefordtype @nuffsaidsam oh, ladies, she was dead serious with that comment. She had said something watered down like that before and I had gone back and asked if she was feeling alright.

Bit more background, she lives a stone's throw from me, and used to be very good friends with a close family member - who on advice said keep away as she's an only child and can be aggressive (not violent or anything scary etc) just insistant on her way - i did tell her i was spending more and more time merging my life with a new relationship which has become serious which is true - and asked after her life and all its charms on text but she said she'll tell me when I come to see her. Prior to that I did offer for us to go walking but she said it was not the season for that. In truth, it wasn't.

I guess I'm not putting on my big girl pants and being direct because of the proximity and family ties. I guess I just don't want to go to defcon 3 if I can get away with having a treaty in place.

OP posts:

pissedonatrain · 16/03/2019 09:06

You're not avoiding drama though. Just be an adult and politely tell her you don't want to be friends. Why drag it on for weeks or so when it could have been all over in 2 minutes?

Original poster

Blueskyes · 16/03/2019 09:11

@mumsie8 lol. Yes, this would be my preferred route, tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueskyes · 16/03/2019 09:12

@kintan, yes, I see that it's the much matured approach. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Blueskyes · 16/03/2019 09:14

Yes, it seem that it may be better to deal with it directly. Time for growth, not avoidance. I will respond with a very kind assertion of the truth. @pissedonatrain yes, it's perhaps not good to drag it out. Thank you

OP posts:

pictish · 16/03/2019 09:16

OP I have sent you a wee PM with some advice. I asked for my post to be removed because it was a bit identifying.

Propertywoes · 16/03/2019 09:19

I expect she's really fucking lonely. It's hard being a mum of twins and yeah she probably doesn't want to go out if they scream all the time because people judge you enough as it is. Sounds like she needs better friends than you seeing as you judge her inside her own house too.

Original poster

Blueskyes · 16/03/2019 09:26

@Properywoes ouch, but no she has a good circle of friends and loads of family support, we just don't get along. Apologies, no disrespect intended to mum's out there of twins - I know it's a tough job.

OP posts:

0ccamsRazor · 16/03/2019 09:31

Or you could just say........

'sorry but you bore me to tears and i cant stand those howling banshies that you call children, so if you dont mind fuck off' "

Thatnovembernight · 16/03/2019 09:33

It sounds awkward due to how close she lives etc so I understand why you don’t want to have to be blunt. However since she’s been as direct to say you are avoiding her maybe just say you don’t seem to have anything in common anymore and use the example of how you’ve ended up watching tv when you see each other?

mummmy2017 · 16/03/2019 09:34

Just tell her, you find sitting in the house a bit boring, so that is why you have not been in contact .
Would she like to come for a walk with your children,. So you don't have to just sit there
She may not have money for coffee and such....

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