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Original poster

My partners brother hasn't invited me to his wedding!

105 replies

Mummabear19 · 14/03/2019 21:20

Okay so basically, I'm confused. My partners brother is getting married next year. He's gave everyone the invites and basically has only invited my partner and not me. His reason being because "me and him have history from years ago". My point is I would never stop him going to his brothers big day. But with me not being there and especially abroad for a full week, everyone is going to wonder where I am. Now I dont know what to think. Could someone tell me what I should Do?

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 15/03/2019 09:39

They don't want you to be at their wedding because you previously dated the groom and are now with his brother. It's a bit messy. And it sounds as if you haven't been together for that long

This, I think. & I guess his brother also does not like you. It's a bit petty and I don't know why his brother even cares now but, it is what it is. It's his wedding, he doesn't like you and doesn't want you there.

Don't talk about it anymore and book yourself a few days away. That's all you can do, if you make a fuss now you will probably open up a real can of worms. & You still won't be invited.

stacktherocks · 15/03/2019 09:42

I find the use of ‘I want to go to support him’ a bit telling OP, you sound quite manipulative. He doesn’t need your ‘support’, he’s going to a nice family celebration not for heart surgery.

You’re not invited, end of. He isn’t gonna miss his brother’s wedding, nor should he. The best way to alienated his family and make things even worse is to be petty and kick off and cause issues here. Smile and tell him you hope he has a nice time and send your best wishes to the couple. The bride and groom have every right not to want the groom’s ex he had feelings for at their wedding.

You’re being ridiculous and I suspect you’ll keep needling away at him hoping he won’t go or you’ll score an invitation, but neither of those will happen so be warned you could end up wrecking your relationship in the process (it’s not you boyfriends fault you weren’t invited!)

Also, yeah, at 23 with two kids already by another man I can see why the couple might not want to spend extra money inviting what they perceive may be a non-forever relationship partner to their wedding and in all of the pictures. Everything seems very rushed in your life so far.

AvocadoYUK · 15/03/2019 09:44

Hanging out now then and going to parties is completely different than going to someone's wedding. It's not about you it's about them having the perfect day so not wanting an ex at their wedding seems fair. Do you just want to hear it's the bride choice to not have you there? Cos it probably is and so what? I'm sure you'd feel a tad awkward in the same position. Let him go and have a week to yourself!

Hoppinggreen · 15/03/2019 09:47

What support do you think your partner needs at his brothers wedding?
The Bride and/or Groom don’t want you there so stop going on about it
Are you pissed off at missing out on a week abroad?

DirtyNumbAngel · 15/03/2019 09:48

Sorry OP I'm a bit confused. How long have you been in a relationship with DP for?

mimibunz · 15/03/2019 10:16

Sorry to miss the point but I’m curious about the term ‘caught feelings’. I’m not from this country originally so not sure if it’s regional?

winsinbin · 15/03/2019 10:17

Book a week away with your mates or on your own. Let the bride and groom have their big day without you (aka as ‘the one who might have been’) there and with the grooms brother by his side. When they return as newly weds the bride will have ‘won’, the BIL will be fully committed to her and hopefully you can all carry on with your lives as adults.

MorelloKisses · 15/03/2019 10:18

You sound like you are trying to make this into a drama and it isn't.

You just need to know the real reason ...?! What are you after, a ego boost while we all tell you the the brother still has feelings for you...

I don't think it is anything like that, just your history with brother and partner is all a bit messy, you haven't been with partner very long and bride/groom don't really consider you an important enough part of their lives to want you at their wedding.

Simple.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 15/03/2019 10:22

I think I sort of get where you're coming from. DPs brother or soon to be SIL clearly has an issue with you from the past but have been nicey nicey until now so you'd assumed you're all on the same page. Now you're realising you aren't whilst also being told you should put up with it whilst sucking it up if the situation were reversed.

Are you due to be spending time with them this weekend too? If it were me I think I'd decline to go until I got my head straight over it. Don't worry about what people will say to your DP over it when he's there, thats his fall out to manage.

HeckyPeck · 15/03/2019 10:23

Your DP’s brother is being weird.

Your DP is being very unreasonable to say that you’d still have to invite his brother if you got married. It’s ok for his brother to say he doesn’t want his ex at his wedding, but not for you to say the same?

Your DP should still go of course if he wants to, but if I were him I’d tell the brother he’s being weird about it and that by not inviting you to his wedding that will mean if your partner marries you one day, he wouldn’t be able to come.

exparrot · 15/03/2019 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardiganB · 15/03/2019 10:29

So you're 23 and you've been with your DP for '2 years and a half', plus a year of being friends. And you met him 2 years after this non-thing with his brother - so it all happened nearly 6 years ago? When you were 17/18?

Either a lot more "feelings" were caught from the brother's point of view, or the bride has drawn the line at any exes, or as a week-long overseas wedding (!), places are very tight and they've decided to make it close family only/no children. I'd go for the latter.

ChuckleBuckles · 15/03/2019 10:32

Can I ask OP are there double standards in your OH family? Do you sense a bit of judgement that you dated two brothers while they are judged as "boys by being boys" by dating the same woman. Just thinking out loud on that.

I think the family are being a bit off by not asking you but in your position I would say nothing, wave DP off and tell him to enjoy himself and sit back and see if he has your back in other ways. I would be taking this as an eye opener for how he treats you in general.

sue51 · 15/03/2019 10:35

Does his girlfriend know he had feelings for you and does this make her feel awkward about you?

bumblenbean · 15/03/2019 10:35

It seems rather childish of the brother since you only ‘dated’ for a short time, unless he has/ had stronger feelings for you than you thought. However, at the end of the day it’s his wedding and his choice so looks like you’ll just have to accept it. It’s annoying but at least you know the reason and it’s not because he just dislikes you!

NotStayingIn · 15/03/2019 10:36

I get why you are a bit put out and confused OP. Given your minimal history, I think its something that could easily be risen above if the brother getting married wanted his brother's girlfriend to be there.

But now that this has happened you might be better focussing on the future. Don't make this awkward for your partner, let them get on with it, do something fun yourself and try and have a good relationship going forward. I.e. don't hold on to lingering resentment and wheel this one out at any opportunity! Even if you feel wronged, you might just have to rise above this one.

Shinesweetfreedom · 15/03/2019 10:44

So what would happen to the two kids If you went on this week long wedding.

Fedupofthisrubbish · 15/03/2019 10:46

You are going to have to accept it op. Maybe the brother still had feelings for you at the beginning of his relationship and it bothers his bride. Or maybe he saw it as a tiny thing with you while you make it out to be more. Or maybe you just annoy them.

It's not nice but there is nothing you can do.

I wasn't invited to a wedding once which my ex-DP was best man at abroad. There was no issue or history with the groom or me. They just wanted it very small and intimate. Fair enough but we were short on money and it meant our 'holiday budget' for the year was spent on a very expensive hotel alone for a few days.

Still, it was their wedding and their choice. Wish your dp well and make some plans for your own week at home with you and your kids.

AnneOfCleanTables · 15/03/2019 10:47

It's not just about his brother. It's about the bride. You sound as though you think you were 'the one who got away' ie the groom like you more but you called it off. Few brides would want someone with that attitude at their wedding.
Your DH doesn't need you to attend to 'support' him. He just needs you to understand that you're not invited and to be ok with it. tbh at a family destination wedding, no-one will really care about where you are.

Foxmuffin · 15/03/2019 11:57

@AnneOfCleanTables

I agree, I wouldn’t invite my husbands ex now sleeping with my soon to be BIL to my wedding...

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2019 11:58

Where do the kids fit in? I mean, you've been together 2.5yrs, taking you back to 20.5. Previously friends for a year, taking you back to 18.5. Before that dated his brother...when did the kids appear?

This is all very confusing.

But anyway, I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Why are you worried about him going alone? You haven't been together a massively long time anyway.

Mookatron · 15/03/2019 12:04

I think it's perfectly understandable to be hurt by this. I would be. However all you can do unless you want to dump DP over it is hold your head high and remain unruffled, or at least appear to. Either they don't want you there because your BIL was genuinely hurt by your split, in which case I'm sure you wouldn't want to get embroiled in all that jealousy/nonsense anyway, or because they're trying to communicate something to you indirectly. In which case, fuck 'em, why would you let that affect your mood or emotions. I wouldn't ask DP not to go because that's just pandering to the drama. Just plan something nice for yourself and your DDs while he's away.

When and if you two get married you could get revenge by using a wedding invitation as an offensive weapon but really it's a bit pathetic isn't it? Why would you let any ridiculous drama get in the way of a lovely day for you and DP?

Seriously, just be the adult, because it doesn't altogether seem like anyone else is.

stacktherocks · 15/03/2019 12:12

Good question. Curious to know the answer.

stacktherocks · 15/03/2019 12:19

Seriously, just be the adult, because it doesn't altogether seem like anyone else is. wink

Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t see that anyone else is being childish other then the OP.

The bride and groom have every right not to want exes at their wedding. The majority of people I think would feel uncomfortable inviting an ex, especially one that perceives it as them being ‘the one that got away’ I.e. it only ended because she wasn’t into him. Can’t really blame the bride for not wanting her groom’s ex he had feelings for at their wedding.

The brother hasn’t done anything wrong either: he can’t control who’s invited, nor should he, and he’s certainly within his rights to attend his own brother’s wedding even if his girlfriend of a couple of years isn’t invited! The childish thing for him to do would be kick up a fuss and demand she attends or not go himself.

OP on the other hand is whining about it, trying to manipulate him into not going under the guise of ‘I want to go and support him’ 🙄 trying to ensure either he doesn’t attend or she does, starting arguments with her boyfriend when it’s not even his doing in the first place.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/03/2019 12:23

There's nothing you can do. You're not invited. Stop making it all about you. It's their wedding. It's not about you.

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