Can you ever truly recover from a betrayal?

[FilamentBabe]

I found out my husband had been having an emotional affair with someone he met online. When I found out he said he had been talking to her for 3 months. I was/am utterly devastated and it's been a difficult few months since I found out.

He has stopped talking to her, he's being completely open with his phone and is adamant he's sorry, was stupid, he loves me and wants to work on gaining my trust back.

We started couples counselling a couple of weeks ago to try and explore how to move forward. For me, it's to see how/if we can move forward from this and if not how to separate peacefully (we have 3 young children). For him it's purely to try and move forward as a couple.

I guess I'm looking for people's experiences on whether it is something that can be completely recovered from. At the moment I'm walking around with a knot in my chest and I just feel hurt all the time. I distrust him completely, can trust ever be recaptured fully? I've turned into a wife who checks her husband's phones, and I don't want to be this person forever. If I stay with him will there ever be a day where I'm not in pain and don't second guess his word?

I do not think it's helpful to invalidate the op's perspective and basically suggest she's overreacting to her own experienc

And I disagree that egging someone on irrelevant of what they have wrote is helpful.

The fact is, an online friendship, with no romance or sexual intent, is not an emotional affair in any way shape nor form. It is an online friendship.

Applying critical thinking to what is written, questioning someone's perspective to understand what is driving it is right. She is suffering from depression and considering ending her marriage, and all we know is an online friendship for a few weeks , one where neither party intended to meet, and no evidence of love or sex, simply a shoulder to cry on, so it does beg the question if something else is going on here . Instead of shouting yes yes he's cheating, that's just shitty.

It went on for three months and he deleted all the messages, which obviously looks like he had something to hide. He claims was because he crossed a line over-sharing. It's not unshitty to suggest it's her mental health at fault for finding this painful and difficult to deal with.

Sorry I've been absent, been a bit manic. I admit I did not see the messages, I discovered all this by seeing the name of the woman in a whatsapp conversation when he had his back to me. I asked him who it was and then he got really defensive and walked out of the house. When he returned he (eventually) admitted that he had been talking to another woman for 3 months. I asked to see the messages and said if it was a friendship I'm not bothered to which he said he deleted all the messages because he knew they would upset me. He claims it was just a friendship on his part and nothing romantic, however he also admitted that if roles were reversed and it had been me, he wouldn't be happy with what has been said between them. Adding that to the fact he was so secretive about it and literally never mentioned this person and then made efforts to "cover" his tracks I do take this to be an emotional affair. Even though I do not know for certain the true extent of the relationship, his actions have indicated there was something more. There are a couple of other things that I've recently discovered which he failed to disclose at the initial admission which also indicate there was something more to it, but I don't feel comfortable enough to share those details on here.

I am not making an effort to stay purely on the basis of the children, but they are of course factored into the equation. The fact is I love my husband, despite what he's done, we have a long history and for 14 years he has been a good partner. This does not make it easy to just walk away which is why I'm taking my time, exploring things through counselling and not making any rash decisions. But with this in mind I do not want to live my life constantly doubting him and feeling like this, which was why I was seeing if it was possible to heal from this.

He stumbled across her on WhatsApp?

Is that what he told you? If it is that's probably not true.

Where he met her is important for you to know.

The fact is I love my husband, despite what he's done

You have no idea what he has done, he made sure of that

No he didn't meet her on whatsapp. He met her somewhere else and then it progressed to whatsapp cos it was easier for them to talk, according to him. He met her on reddit.

Where on reddit?

I don't use reddit so don't fully understand it. On a thread in the relationships section. At my request he's now got rid of his account and he's changed his number, so I'm not too concerned with the where anymore, more the why and the what. This is what we will be covering in the counselling sessions as the counsellor achknowledged my need for information in order to move forward.

The reason I think the where is important, is because it will show you if he was actually out looking for someone else. Whether that's for a bit of sexting etc.

Reddit, from what I understand does have a relationship section. It also has some sections for people going to look for a bit of interactive porn with another real person or to find someone to casual sleep with.

If you want to move past it, you need to know it all and make and informed decision. Did he show you the account before closing it?

No I didn't see anything on the account before it was shut down.

Do you see why in doubt he just stumbled across this woman and their chat was just friendly, platonic chat?

Moving past betrayal isnt going to happen, if you have no idea what the betrayal was

@FilamentBabe, you should read a very informative thread from January called:

Anyone on here use the Reddit app?

Apparently there is a ‘real women’ subreddit where women post their nude photos and people can message and chat with them.

Your husband has a secret relationship for more than 3 months, freaks when you see, acts defensive, leaves the house to delete (and to tell her to lie low), and returns to do damage control. You now know that he did not come completely clean.

Protect you? If my husband pulled the above stunt, I would consider it to be a lesson in How To Fool, Control and Treat My Wife With Contempt. I would never again trust him.

He can easily find other ways to contact OW and delete, and can get a second phone. He could have done this previously with other women.

Because of him, you are stumbling around in an uncertain world. I couldn’t live like that.

message, chat and sext with them.

I don't believe you can ever go back to how it was before the betrayal, it changes you and your life forever. It is possible to move on from a betrayal, but I done that on my own.

Trust in a relationship is a massively important factor, he has to work at repairing that, not you.

Here is the link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3466707-anyone-on-here-use-the-reddit-app

Said to my DH in similar circumstances and repeated on another thread here.

Married people have no business having " friends" that are secret , online , at work , etc. At all.
No room for three people in a marriage.