Can you ever truly recover from a betrayal?

[FilamentBabe]

I found out my husband had been having an emotional affair with someone he met online. When I found out he said he had been talking to her for 3 months. I was/am utterly devastated and it's been a difficult few months since I found out.

He has stopped talking to her, he's being completely open with his phone and is adamant he's sorry, was stupid, he loves me and wants to work on gaining my trust back.

We started couples counselling a couple of weeks ago to try and explore how to move forward. For me, it's to see how/if we can move forward from this and if not how to separate peacefully (we have 3 young children). For him it's purely to try and move forward as a couple.

I guess I'm looking for people's experiences on whether it is something that can be completely recovered from. At the moment I'm walking around with a knot in my chest and I just feel hurt all the time. I distrust him completely, can trust ever be recaptured fully? I've turned into a wife who checks her husband's phones, and I don't want to be this person forever. If I stay with him will there ever be a day where I'm not in pain and don't second guess his word?

I couldn't.
It's really tough because everyone tells you at the time that he didn't betray you because you weren't good enough. You try and grasp onto that for dear life. The trouble is, the kick in the stomach you felt turns you into this emotional, suspicious, jealous, detective loon. Every time your like that and you don't find anything, you kick yourself for being so pathetic and weak by not moving on. If you find more things, you kick yourself because you stayed and he got to kick you down yet again.
Sounds tragic. It can feel tragic.
For me, the hurt, suspicions stopped the day I decided I no longer wanted to be with him.

Some couples are great at moving forward from it. If you want to try, then do so. If it doesn't work, at least you can leave with the knowledge you've honoured your marriage.
You're not on your own.

It’s your relationship to do as you please. People can only tell you of their personal experiences, basis their own circumstances. These circumstances often affect the decision one makes re betrayal. Like you say OP, it’s not all black and white.

I was ‘betrayed’, something he denied vehemently, we continued for a few years after, we’ve now split. The betrayal was not the only reason for the split I hasten to add. We had no children together and lived separately, so much less ‘baggage’. You are very invested.

Personally I couldn’t trust him, and it’ll take me a long time before I trust again. The damage deceit causes is often irreparable.

I got through it OP.

My DH had an affair, and actually understand ing the processes that led up to the affair is really helpful in helping the relationship to recover.

A lot of women think you are only a strong woman if you LTB - but the opposite can be true.

Despite what everyone else believed I should do , i did what was right for me and our children.

Staying with my DH was entirely the right decision... we are the most happy we have ever been , and i trust him.

Im not thick or stupid , im not weak or a walkover.

Do what your gut tells you , happiness after an affair is entirely possible.

After recently giving birth, you were caring for his hard-to-soothe newborn and 2 others while struggling with PND. Instead of providing his full support, he opted to betray and make a fool of you.

I too wonder how he went about looking for female companionship online.

You will never know if he was sexually cheating with her since he conveniently deleted the messages.

How did you find out, Filament? Did he come clean or did you discover?

I would have him leave for a while as a consequence. You likely won’t begin to heal while he is there. He really needs to know that you mean business, but I fear he doesn’t because of the way you’ve excused him. He still has weak boundaries and a sense of entitlement.

When our daughter was tiny, we had many stressful days and sleepless nights due to her challenge. If my husband had chosen to emotionally prioritize another woman and make a mockery of me, that would have been the end.

Being “lonely and maybe wanting a bit of an ego boost” is no excuse for betraying you. Your children deserve a home built on trust.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this.

I was on an app, no intention of meeting anyone or cheating in anyway. Just friends and then...it spiralled. Phone calls, sexting, phone sex and an emotional connection

What app? You were in a relationship and downloaded an app to meet people?

OP I would be very interested in how and where he stumbled across this woman?

I was betrayed by my husband - in a slightly different way, exact details irrelevant . It happened multiple times, always with huge emotional apologies and promises never to do it again (when caught). I took him back again and again. Each time I lost a bit more if myself. Trust and security out the window. I was so miserable.
The last time I caught him, something weird happened. It was like something clicked in my brain. I didn't care. I truly saw for the first time that HE had a problem. It was nothing to do with me. And I truly didn't give a shit about him. I didn't have another tear to cry.
I just said as much to him and went about my business, while planning my exit. I wasn't prepared to be left destitute so was getting my ducks in a row.
This is a long story, sorry!
Summary: he changed. Totally. I wouldn't engage, wouldn't listen to excuses/reasons. I was truly in a new headspace. And for whatever reason, he destroyed all links to his former habits, has never put a foot wrong since and I stayed. Initially because I was planning a new life, but gradually because I liked the new one that was developing in my own home.
It's totally different now. I am happy. I have no jealousy, no insecurities, I judge myself by my own standards.
I would never have predicted this situation in a million years but it took me deciding he was a pig and saying I was going and genuinely meaning it for him to realise what was important. And I say/do what I want every day now. Not in a mean way, more like these are my boundaries, this is what I want, if I'm not happy I won't accept it. We talk honestly about every issue under the sun. I don't hold back on anything. He has opened up about his regrets, remorse and become responsible, attentive, even introspective. No topic is off the table (not that we're having deep abd meaningfuls every bloody day)!
So that's my story. The second I truly didn't give a f@#$ and was ready to walk, everything changed. And if it ever blew up in my face? I have a cast iron buggering off plan all prepared

I tried for a year after my H’s affair to repair the relationship but I couldn’t get over it. I feel much happier now we’ve separated and I don’t have to go through all the anxiety and turmoil of wondering who he’s with, what he’s up to and whether he’ll do it again. I just couldn’t look at him in the same light afterwards.

Having said that, if it had just been emotional (his was physical) and he hadn’t told me so many bare-faced lies, I might have been able to forgive him. It was the lying and deceit that hurt me the most.

It’s a difficult one as you have young children and that does make walking away so much harder. I would advise not rushing anything - you can take as long as you want to make a decision. As others have said, improving your own financial situation by getting a job would be a good idea, even if only PT initially. And definitely continue with the counselling to try and understand why it happened (but do not let him blame you in anyway).

I am currently going to counselling with DH for similar,an EA with someone in another country.
And it is hard to forgive the lies and deceit.
But if your DH is truly remorseful and willing to accept that he needs to work hard to regain trust, it is possible to recover and rebuild a marriage in MHO.
With so much at stake , with such young DCs , isn't it worth a try?
It is your marriage and your decision . You can decide further down the line if you feel you are still not happy with things.

But , totally agree that ALL young mums protect themselves financially .I was a SAHM, my situation with DH is now that we are on our 50s and it made me realise just how financially vulnerable I was.

It happened to me and my DSis. I couldn't forgive him nor get over it. My DSis is trying to get over it. Hard when he isn't the least bit remorseful. OW was also from another country and have still never met.

It's the deceit, the betrayal, spending their time and resources on a fantasy, the complete loss of respect for him for allowing himself to be scammed by someone looking for a citizenship to this country, how he would want to be with someone who abandoned her own children, the realisation that I had no idea who this person was I married. After his EA, he became someone I wouldn't want to be with.

Personally, no.
I'd be waving goodbye.

We have - my wife had an affair over a long time. I also had one for a short time afterwards, as I was all over the place.

Both of us ended them before the other found out.

Now they are both in the open, we have fully committed to making our marriage work (for us as a couple, as well as for the sake of our DCs).

It's taken a lot of time and work on both our parts - to accept responsibility for what we've both done to each other, and things aren't like they used to be.

However, I'm not sure we were always totally honest with each other beforehand (we got together very young, had a "perfect" relationship and family that came with a lot of pressure/expectation from both our extended families).

Where we are now is much healthier.

I'm sure there will still be related issues in our future, but as long as we continue to be open and honest with each other about things, I'm fairly confident we will have a good marriage.

We tried counselling, but it didn't work for us - we've got to a point where we can talk about it all openly, which works better for us.
We find that text conversations often are a good medium for this, as it allows us to consider our responses, and remove some of the emotion from the discussion.

BUT - it has only worked because we have fully owned our own mistakes, and have been understanding and patient with each other in terms of regaining trust (though i think this will be an ongoing thing).

We both agree that what we have is valuable to both of us, and that it's worth the effort.

It wouldn't work if it was only one of us driving it all.

Just to add -

Do I know with certainty that we'll still be together in 10 or 20 years time?

No, of course not - neither of us is naive enough to assume that.
But whatever decisions we make will be together.

He wanted someone to talk to ? How about talking to you ?

My ex made excuses like this - oh he just liked having someone to talk to. I remember ( with a shaking head ) that I actually wrote him a poem which had the title " Can You Talk To Me Too ?" .

I never got past it - he'd been "talking" for over a year . The minute I left for work he was calling her . The calls went on for hours ....hours when he could have been spending time with his children .

Don't fight for him - make him fight for you. Or move on , because you'll always have this episode in the back of your mind .

Thank you all for your responses and sharing your experiences. I've gone into counselling quite open minded with what the end goal is, stay together or separate. But I just wanted to know if it was even possible to move on from and not live the rest of my life feeling this way, as I definitely don't want that. I guess I'll continue with the counselling and see where that goes. I don't want to make any rash decisions and at the moment I am just trying to understand what's led us to this point. I know everyone says it but he really is the last person you would expect this from.

No, not fully. You have to accept that the relationship you had is gone, he’s destroyed that. If you want to stay together you’ll have to build a different one, sometimes the new one can be better, but it’s bloody hard.

You say it's been tough for both of you lately.

How do you think he'd react if the situation were reversed? Would he be eager to attend couples counselling and 'stay together for the children'? Would it bother him that you'd deleted the messages?

I think your best bet is to pick up your career again and keep your options open. I couldn't trust him again but I'm not you. Good luck.

What app? You were in a relationship and downloaded an app to meet people?

No, it was an app like Instagram. I had no agenda when I joined.

No, it was an app like Instagram. I had no agenda when I joined.

I see what you mean. I means it still wrong. But I get you weren't looking for it.

I suspect ops dh met someone through a site or app that was designed to meet people. Because she is avoiding saying.

That's fine, she doesnt have to give us the details. But she is lying to herself, if he was on let's say tinder, but swallowing hi story about not out looking for this.

I bet the app was kik

AnyFucker that's what I thought too.

Well known for sexual hook ups in the guise of "networking"

Kik is usually stage 2 after meeting someone somewhere else.

It means you can chat more easily or send pics

Not necessarily

I tried to "get over it" but he never would let me, kept letting me down.

In the end, I came to a point where I'd had it, and ended it. Excellent decision I haven't regretted once.

If I stay with him will there ever be a day where I'm not in pain and don't second guess his word?

I stayed, for similar reasons to you - young children, SAHM. It didn’t work.

He started off just like your Dh, being very sorry and agreeing to go to counselling. However within week his story had changed to “ you can’t prove it was physical therefore you are crazy and paranoid so shut up and get over it already “.

He continued to lie and deceive me and I never trusted him again. He becaame even more angry and abusive, which killed my love for him completely. I never caught him out on another affair but that didn’t matter, I had seen what he was really like.

Once I took off my rose tinted glasses I was able to see that he was actually an abusive, selfish, entitled shit wrapped up in a charming exterior. It’s a shame I was stupid enough to marry and have kids with him.