Can you ever truly recover from a betrayal?

[FilamentBabe]

I found out my husband had been having an emotional affair with someone he met online. When I found out he said he had been talking to her for 3 months. I was/am utterly devastated and it's been a difficult few months since I found out.

He has stopped talking to her, he's being completely open with his phone and is adamant he's sorry, was stupid, he loves me and wants to work on gaining my trust back.

We started couples counselling a couple of weeks ago to try and explore how to move forward. For me, it's to see how/if we can move forward from this and if not how to separate peacefully (we have 3 young children). For him it's purely to try and move forward as a couple.

I guess I'm looking for people's experiences on whether it is something that can be completely recovered from. At the moment I'm walking around with a knot in my chest and I just feel hurt all the time. I distrust him completely, can trust ever be recaptured fully? I've turned into a wife who checks her husband's phones, and I don't want to be this person forever. If I stay with him will there ever be a day where I'm not in pain and don't second guess his word?

Can I ask in this context what makes it an emotional affair as opposed to friendship?someone to listen to him and talk to like a friend.?

Was there a sexual or romantic element to this? The I love you , I want you, or let's fuck kind of thing?

Because if not, then I don't know if I'd classify it as an emotional affair but more just a friendship.

Ifonlyoureyessawsouls if you don't mind me asking how long ago was your husbands affair. I only found out about 3 weeks ago and we are currently working through it to rebuild our marriage for us and for our children. I have some bad days but I do feel we can make it work, We are more open with each other. I have only told my mum as don't want to be judged for staying with him. OP do what you feel is right for you, I was asking myself the same question as well and looking on the internet for answers but everybody is different and circumstances are also different to. I started writing my feelings down too day by day which helped me. Be strong in what ever you decide x

Mumtocrazygirls
It’s a good idea to write it down. It helped me to see that I was getting better when I didn’t feel I was.
Initially it dominates your entire world and not a minute goes by without thinking about it. I remember telling my DH 6 months on that it was still the first thing I thought about when I woke in the morning.
I now go days without thinking about it and when I do, it’s manageable.

Hello @Mumtocrazygirls , it was 5 years ago.

In the early days afterwards i was extremely anxious & insecure... i used to panic when he went out even to the supermarket wondering if he was contacting her.

But that eased with time - i insisted that I would always have free access to his phone wherever & whenever, and that will always be the case.

The onus is on him to prove he is trustworthy.

I also made sure that every fibre of his being know that a) if he did it again I would up & leave and take him to the cleaners , and b) that i did not need him , & that my reason to take him back was not because i need him for anything.

@S021 writing down has definitely helped me also feels like I'm letting go of the negativity too. I am still early days but I am in a better place now and finding I am writing less which is good. Glad that you are in a better place now too. We both want to make it work and reading that people like yourself have made it work helps.

I couldn't and wouldn't.

I saw what staying with a cheat did to my Mum. She wasted 20 years of her life on my Dad and during that time, there was always a reason "why" Dad got away with it. I started off pitying her, then it made me angry. If you love someone, you don't hurt them.

@ifonlyoureyessawsouls thank you for your reply much appreciated x

No. Not ime.
And I gave him a second chance.

My story is probably the exception but my DP has an EA which turned physical with a work colleague. At the time I didn't spot a single sign and I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, honestly.

But we did work through it, we got the the root of it and it took some serious honesty on both sides. He cut off all contact and took another job.

Now, 2.5 years later we are stronger than ever. Going through it shook me to my core and I was angry and hurt for a while, but it made him realise what he had put at risk, and I then decided I can walk away if I don't want to stay but didn't want to throw away so many years.

The trust is slowly coming back too. I'm not saying it's easy, but only you can decide if it's something you are able to move past.

Hmm yes. I'd have said the same at 2.5 years post affair. But I found out that he'd been back in touch about 4 years after. And it had been going on for several years online. She lives in Oz so all online but still... Basically, it's a gamble. It's not even about him. It's about how much YOU are prepared to gamble of yourself.

I can see how he might have got to this point.

I am just trying to understand what’s led us to this point.

When the going got tough, he bailed on you and cheated. This was all on him and down to his selfish sense of entitlement. He wanted some attention so he found a new available woman.

It sounds like you are minimizing his culpability. You are not attributing full accountability to him. Do not allow yourself and him to shift the blame to your PND, baby stress, or even his history of depression. None of these gave him license to breach his fidelity and lead a double life.

If you give him any inkling that you “can see” why he betrayed you, you will be enabling him to shirk responsibility. He will lose respect for you and can use it as a green light to repeat.

He lied by omission during the affair, and could be lying and minimizing now. He still has a secret and you are on the back foot. Only he knows what the messages said. Did they sext? Speak of love? Plans? Details about your children? What else did he share about you besides your private medical information? Does he still have her photos?

Depending on the counselor, couples counseling will likely cover conflict resolution and communication strategies. If he is truly remorseful, he needs to dig deep in individual counseling to investigate his weak character traits that allowed him to cheat.

I can see your point MsDogLady and he does need to take responsibility for his actions but it was also important for us to understand why it happened to minimise the chances of it happening again. Reasons not excuses.

Our marriage changed and is very happy and strong but I accept it’s probably more fragile. I see it as a solid ball hanging by a weaker chain, if that makes sense. However, my life is better because in the wake of the affair I made changes to ensure I would never be in that dark place again.

When the going got tough, he bailed on you and cheated

I'm struggling to comprehend how this is true.

This is someone he met on line. He has never met them. At the moment there is no evidence he spoke of love or sex.. I do not understand how it's even an emotional affair, and not simply an online friendship.

I really dislike this attitude some posters have of sticking the boot in given any opportunity. To say this man bailed and cheated, is appalling given the context, he has done no such thing from what is written.

The op is a real person, she is struggling, and right now it's hard to tell if she is making more of this than there is.

Because all she knows right now, is he struck up a friendship with someone. On line opened up to them, there is no evidence of r9mance or sexual conversations here, they never met, and due to distance, likely never intended to.

Talking to someone, telling them your problems, is not an emotional affair when no sex or romance is involved, it is simply a friendly ear someone to off load to.

Why would you ever read what rhe op has written and gleefully tell her her husband cheated and bailed, it's sick.

I agree Bluntness. It’s cruel and I wonder if the OP was even read tbh.

I also think I went off on a bit of tangent talking about my DHs full blown affair. Apologies.

I actually confused this thread with another I’m on about infidelity 💐

@JaneEyre07 thats not real life though ... human beings are flawed & do hurt people they love - i know i have.

We have both worked hard after my husbands affair ( me in getting over it and learning to trust again ).

If i had not done that I would not be anywhere near as happy as i am now.

Women assume that strong women leave - but the opposite can also be true. I went against everybody's advice & thoughts for my own happiness because i knew it was right for me.

I was on an app, no intention of meeting anyone or cheating in anyway. Just friends and then...it spiralled. Phone calls, sexting, phone sex and an emotional connection

It wouldn't have spiralled, unless you let it. Funnily enough, I had a friend request on FB this week, and I accepted, as I thought this guy was a childhood friend. Well, he wasn't, he was just a random who started sending me messages to chat. I de-friended him and blocked. Because I'm married and I love my DH. Not hard, is it?

In this instance there is absolutely no evidence of anything other than a remote friendship.

So again, I come back to why the op classifies this as an emotional affair. And has taken it so so harshly, that she is in pain every day.

Yes he made a friend on line. Yes he talked about personal stuff that may have been bothering him, but this is not an emotional affair.

I'm not even sure it's a betrayal, sometimes when times are hard, and we are struggling, we all need someone to listen, and just sometimes that someone can't be your spouse, if they are part of your struggles.

But that's not an emotional affair, and it's not a betrayal, any more than talking to your best mate of the same gender is.

Given that you haven't seen the messages nor experienced the relationship while it was going on and the OP's partner evidently agrees the "friendship" was inappropriate, I don't know why you feel more qualified to judge whether it was an emotional affair or not than the OP, Bluntness.

Because I'm married and I love my DH. Not hard, is it?

No, and the reason I chested then, and have gone on to cheat physically, is because of issues in my marriage.

I think people cheat because often there is something missing in their relationship. They may have worked to try and fix it, or they may have decided there is no point attempting to fix something the other person will not acknowledge.

To answer AF- It's easy to meet people through computer games, social media interest groups, fan websites. You don't have to go looking for friendship to find it.

I have a ton of runners I talk to around rhe world and some very quirky people I met on a singer fansite 20 years ago. My husbsnd has all sorts of libertarian and communist FB friends he met on the comments section of political rags, including women who PM to tell him he is very very well-spoken, funny, good-looking etc . I don't give a shit..

I don't know why you feel more qualified to judge whether it was an emotional affair or not than the OP, Bluntness

I'm asking the question. Not judging, and it's a valid question. And the op has not responses to any questions on whether sex or romance was involved here. Possibly he is agreeing with her it was inappropriate due to her reaction, or because it was a female he was talking to , who knows.

But if there was no love, romance, sexting etc, then this was not an emotional affair, and I am trying to put it into context for the op, as she is suffering from pnd and is considering splitting over it.

But you keep on kicking her and telling her it is.

I have not been telling her what it is.

I do not think it's helpful to invalidate the op's perspective and basically suggest she's overreacting to her own experiences.

I disagree kuljtra

Firstly, it doesn’t always mean the marriage is failing, it can mean the cheat has failed and maybe deserves another chance. My DH did a bad thing but he also did many good things over those years and I didn’t feel he deserved to lose everything without giving him s chance.
After children and many years together people change, and working hard to adapt and save (so long as both partners are doing this) what you call a ‘failing’ marriage shows strength and resilience. It is far from pathetic and weak.