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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel invisible

74 replies

Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 09:59

I've been with my partner for 9 years, we have lived together for 8 years. The relationship has been pretty up and down for years but lately things have been awful. He never talks to me and is always negative towards me. We don't sleep in the same bed and don't go out together. I work and when I come home after him being at home all day I just get a grunt and no conversation. If we are sitting at night watching tv he doesn't speak to me. I feel so lonely in this relationship and I find myself not wanting to leave work cause I know what I'm coming home to. We have tried splitting up before and he always says he's sorry and will change but it lasts a day or two and he's back to ignoring me. When I first met him he wanted marriage and kids with me and now nine years later no plans to marry or start a family , I'm 35 he's 38 we have never been on holiday. I just want a happy life and I feel so miserable with him cause I just feel like he hates me , it's a horrible feeling. I can't talk to him about this because he always turns things around and blames me then it ends up being a row. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/03/2019 10:01

You do know what to do
End it properly, you seem very unhappy

takeanotherchillpill · 14/03/2019 10:03

Don't you think you'd have a far happier and less miserable life on your own without this so called partner?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 14/03/2019 10:03

Im sorry that things are so bad at the moment. I think you know what the answer is. Do you have a mortgage together or any joint affairs?
Lifes too short, you will never have a happy life with someone who treats you with such contempt.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:05

If it were only that easy. I've tried leaving but he always says I'm being dramatic and doesn't think there's a problem, it's really complicated. I know it's never gonna work and the relationship will end but at this moment in time I'm scared to start the conversation cause it will end up a row

OP posts:
Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:07

We don't have a mortgage together we privately rent. So no ties whatsoever, but it's so hard to leave cause he doesn't think he's doing wrong. I don't even want to be in another relationship I just want to be on my own

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/03/2019 10:08

It doesn't matter what he says. If you make a decision to end it then stick to your decision. Do you own the house or rent? Can you stay with family or a friend if you need to?

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:12

We just rent , I do have family but none I could stay with , I couldn't put that burden on them. It's sad cause I know in my heart that this can't be fixed, and I know it's over but it's making that move and breaking away.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 14/03/2019 10:16

He’s not going to change and you only have one life.
How are you going to live it?

MarthasGinYard · 14/03/2019 10:17

You've never been on holiday together?

Why?

MarthasGinYard · 14/03/2019 10:18

'We don't sleep in the same bed'

Why?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2019 10:19

I've tried leaving but he always says I'm being dramatic and doesn't think there's a problem

You don't need his permission to leave. You don't need him to acknowledge there is a problem. There is a problem for YOU and that's all you need to base it on.

"I don't want to be in this relationship anymore" is all you need to say.

Just make your plans, find a flat or house share, and go.

You can't waste any more time living like this; life is too short. Imagine yourself a few months from now in your own little cosy place, doing what you want to do, without this miserable sod dragging you down.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:22

I don't really know why we haven't been on holiday , there is usually an excuse tho the main one is his fear of flying , but other excuses over the years have been his dogs which are now both passed away. Or lack of money, he always has an excuse. He has a short fuse so if I nag him he blows up and then we row , I'm so done with rowing cause there's nothing left to fight for

OP posts:
Samind · 14/03/2019 10:26

Have you ever asked him why these things haven't happened ie marraige and kids? Why don't you go away for a week and get yourself some headspace? Somewhere nice and treat yourself.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:27

Thank u so much to everyone who's replied to my thread all of your advice is sound advice and I know what I need to do to be happy, I'm just a person with a very big heart and I don't want to hurt him even tho he's hurting me and I'm unhappy. P.s we don't sleep in same bed cause he suffers insomnia and I have to get up at 6 in the morning for work and he says he doesn't want to disturb me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:29

Yes I've asked him why he doesn't want to get married anymore and he says it's only a peice of paper and means nothing . He is so negative

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2019 10:33

Honestly, get rid of this dead weight and you will soar...

You don't have to feel guilty; he's brought this on himself by being a miserable, lazy sod!

peekyboo · 14/03/2019 10:35

You can't leave him because he won't agree with your reasons? Do you see how cocked up that is??

He ignores you, gives you a couple of good days every few years when you try to break up, then the rest of the time he starts fights if you try to talk.

The only thing stopping you leaving is you. No ties, you have a job, you have choices.

Stop making excuses, there's no reason to stay and laying the blame on him for keeping you together means you avoid making a decision yourself. No doubt he's bullied you for you to have this attitude, but still, stop making it his decision as that gives you the option to play the helpless card and act like you have no choice but to stay.

Samind · 14/03/2019 10:35

Yeah. If you still want these things in life and a positive loving partner then you need to do what's right for you! Can you see yourself with him another 10 or 20 years?

onedayiwillmissthis · 14/03/2019 10:41

Oh the old 'it's just a piece of paper' statement.

One day HE will up and tell you it's over...leave you...quickly marry a younger woman, who will soon become pregnant...

And where will you be?

If you want a family and a proper relationship...you need to be with someone who is on the same page.

peekyboo · 14/03/2019 10:42

Yes, this happened to my friend. Miserable partner who dictated what she did, never agreed to anything positive. She spent years fretting over the relationship and ignoring all advice to leave. He finally dumped her once his other woman was 7 months pregnant with his child.

TheFaerieQueene · 14/03/2019 10:45

Until you stop ‘yes, but-ing’ nothing will change.

You don’t need his permission to end the relationship. You just need your own.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 10:52

Thanks for being brutely honest and you are right, everything you say is right. I just need to get the courage and realise that he's brought this on himself and has no one to blame but himself when I walk away. I want a happy life and I need to to that myself x

OP posts:
peekyboo · 14/03/2019 10:55

Until you realise it doesn't matter what he thinks or how he reacts to you walking away, you'll never leave. You're still setting up reasons not to go.

StormTreader · 14/03/2019 11:01

Why would you even want to marry him? It won't change anything about how your life currently is, it would just make it more difficult to leave.

"I do have family but none I could stay with , I couldn't put that burden on them."

I have a friend who left her partner and lived in my spare room for 6 weeks while she found her new place, and I was happy to do it. Give people a chance, you might be surprised at how much support is waiting for you to ask for it.

Furrydogmum · 14/03/2019 11:07

You're still young, please give yourself a chance to find a happier you and the opportunity to meet someone else and start a family - don't tie yourself to a miserable old age.