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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel invisible

74 replies

Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 09:59

I've been with my partner for 9 years, we have lived together for 8 years. The relationship has been pretty up and down for years but lately things have been awful. He never talks to me and is always negative towards me. We don't sleep in the same bed and don't go out together. I work and when I come home after him being at home all day I just get a grunt and no conversation. If we are sitting at night watching tv he doesn't speak to me. I feel so lonely in this relationship and I find myself not wanting to leave work cause I know what I'm coming home to. We have tried splitting up before and he always says he's sorry and will change but it lasts a day or two and he's back to ignoring me. When I first met him he wanted marriage and kids with me and now nine years later no plans to marry or start a family , I'm 35 he's 38 we have never been on holiday. I just want a happy life and I feel so miserable with him cause I just feel like he hates me , it's a horrible feeling. I can't talk to him about this because he always turns things around and blames me then it ends up being a row. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

beautifulview · 20/10/2021 09:10

Well done but I can’t believe you waited another 2 years!! Stick to it now and get yourself a happy life

Itstimetoquit · 20/10/2021 09:15

Well done,I hope you will have the happiest future x

pinkyredrose · 20/10/2021 09:19

So great that you've left this arsehole. Shame that you wasted another 2 1/2 years on him but phew you're out now!

Industrialwash · 20/10/2021 22:26

Bless you @Buggins1984 you've done the right thing.
I hope you stay strong and build your brilliant new life!

Halloaten · 20/10/2021 22:29

Amazing. Well done, wishing you a happy life 😀

TuesdayToday · 20/10/2021 22:46

I was in a relationship like this. I thought it was a phase or eventually my partner would come round. Instead I lost 5 years hoping things would get better. In the end, my partner left, blaming me for everything and caused all sorts of chaos emotionally and financially through their lies.

I was afraid to take the step and ended up in the same place anyway. There is no benefit to staying in a lonely relationship. They are not happy and won't accept or admit it until one day they meet someone else then leave you on a 'whim'.

TuesdayToday · 20/10/2021 22:46

Ah just realised this is an old thread and an update. Well done OP!

zonky · 20/10/2021 23:14

Well done Op!

If possible and your financial situation allows, have you considered getting your fertility checks done?

NatWestPigFamily · 20/10/2021 23:16

Congratulations, this is the beginning of your new life. Enjoy every second of it and remember that you deserve this. You are amazing!

Bluebells34 · 21/10/2021 09:15

You are still young - don't waste your life away in this miserable relationship -it sounds draining. Is there any positives to the relationship? Write a list of positives and negatives and consider if you can spend the next year-5 years-10 years with this man

Original poster

Buggins1984 · 21/10/2021 11:38

Thank you everyone, I can't believe I waited 2 years either. I feel so free now xx

OP posts:

PerseverancePays · 21/10/2021 11:45

Yay! Well done! Have a lovely time getting your new place sorted. And join some hobby groups to expand your friendship circle so you stay busy and have less time to brood. Bloody well done🌻

poppymaewrite · 21/10/2021 13:10

Do you feel like you want him to admit that he’s in the wrong? Because he won’t, some people can do no wrong in their own eyes. You know he’s in the wrong, and that’s enough.

layladomino · 21/10/2021 13:40

Well done! I'm so happy that you've started your new life! You won't regret it. Onwards and upwards. A new world awaits you

P1ainJanine · 21/10/2021 15:15

I've tried leaving but he always says I'm being dramatic and doesn't think there's a problem

His opinion doesn't trump yours. If you want to leave, he cannot stop you. He doesn't own you. You're getting nothing from the relationship. At least rid yourself of the loneliness of being alone while being with someone, which is worse than actually being alone.

Skeumorph · 21/10/2021 15:47

Well done! Onwards and upwards, I hope you find super happiness in life!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/10/2021 18:37

This isn't even a relationship its housemates who hate each other.
Don't wait for his permission to leave its ridiculous. Save for a deposit get a place and then just move out. Do it while he's at work. Just leave.

Original poster

Buggins1984 · 22/10/2021 06:28

Thanks everyone. After I started this thread things went down hill really fast, he became quite controlling, paranoid and impossible to be around. I suffered a mental breakdown due to constant stress and arguments. He was very manipulative and when I'd reached breaking point he always changed and promised me the world. He changed for a week or so then went back to his old self. I mentioned to my family how miserable I was in the relationship and that it was affecting my mental health. They stepped in and went with me to the house to pack my stuff and help me tell him I was leaving. They knew he could always talk me round and change my mind when I was alone with him, so this was the only way. It's been just over 2 weeks now and honestly I feel so free. Wish I'd of done this years ago. There is so much more I could say but there is no need, its over now and my only regret is not ending it sooner. Thanks again xxx

OP posts:

Original poster

Buggins1984 · 27/03/2024 11:03

Just a quick update on this thread. I'm now living my best life. I moved into a new house with my son, who is now 22 years old. He works full time and has recently passed his driving test.
I've met an amazing man who is kind, patient, caring, loving, affectionate and all the things I've ever wanted in a man. We have been dating for almost 2 years now and I've never been happier.
I didn't realise how bad things really were until I finally left and healed from the damage he caused me. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement, I'm forever grateful to every single person who helped me through it.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 27/03/2024 12:38

So happy to read your update OP, you should be immensely proud of how brave and strong you've been to break free. I hope your new home and life bring nothing but happiness from now on, you deserve it

Ohffsbarbara · 27/03/2024 12:50

It’s always so gratifying to read updates like this. I’m so glad you got out and are happy now.

I bet you look back on your earlier posts and don’t understand why you stayed so long - but it’s because when you’re in an abusive relationship they beat you down so far that you worry you can’t cope without them. It takes the time and space away from them to realise you are so much better off x

PassTheEnvelope · 27/03/2024 13:09

Fantastic! Really well done! Enjoy every second of your new life! Thanks for taking the time to update… hearing about a happy ending is a great thing!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/03/2024 13:13

So he doesn't like flying, he doesn't want to split up, he doesn't speak to you, he dictates everything you do...

why? Have you asked yourself why it's so important to you to do what HE wants? It sounds more like you're a teenager talking about their grumpy dad than a woman in what should be an equal partnership.

You need to stop caring about his likes and dislikes and start living your own life, without him.

Whoops! Just came to the end of the thread and read your fabulous update! Good on you!

Original poster

Buggins1984 · 27/03/2024 14:18

Thank you so much everyone, I'd just hope this post gives another person strength to leave an abusive relationship. I do think back and wonder how I stayed for so long.

OP posts:

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