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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel invisible

74 replies

Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 09:59

I've been with my partner for 9 years, we have lived together for 8 years. The relationship has been pretty up and down for years but lately things have been awful. He never talks to me and is always negative towards me. We don't sleep in the same bed and don't go out together. I work and when I come home after him being at home all day I just get a grunt and no conversation. If we are sitting at night watching tv he doesn't speak to me. I feel so lonely in this relationship and I find myself not wanting to leave work cause I know what I'm coming home to. We have tried splitting up before and he always says he's sorry and will change but it lasts a day or two and he's back to ignoring me. When I first met him he wanted marriage and kids with me and now nine years later no plans to marry or start a family , I'm 35 he's 38 we have never been on holiday. I just want a happy life and I feel so miserable with him cause I just feel like he hates me , it's a horrible feeling. I can't talk to him about this because he always turns things around and blames me then it ends up being a row. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 14/03/2019 11:08

I’m sorry but this is utterly ridiculous. Unlike people who really are stuck you are keeping yourself in a shit relationship. Reading this makes me almost angry. What the hell is wrong with you. You care more about the feelings of some guy who treats you like shit then about the fact you are ruining your own life. What a waste! Get your flipping arse in gear, stop being such a wet blanket and sort your life out before you waste more of it! Go girl go!

ILiveInSalemsLot · 14/03/2019 11:10

And go on holiday with a friend or by yourself. He’s stifling you.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 11:12

I know what I have to do

OP posts:
Honeybee79 · 14/03/2019 11:14

You don't need his permission to leave. Make the decision that is right for you and stick with it.

It doesn't sound like you are getting anything at all out of this relationship. You owe it to yourself to put your own happiness and future first.

LargeGlassofWhiteWine · 14/03/2019 11:23

Your feelings are valid and you don't need his permission to leave the relationship. If you wait for him to agree with you about splitting up, you will die of old age before he tells you what you want to hear. You say you don't want to hurt him but what you're doing instead is hurting yourself. You need to put yourself first, leave and mean it. You know he'll tell you he'll change, and you know from previous experience that this is a lie.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but his behaviour is showing you he doesn't like you never mind love you and while you are wasting your life trying to keep him happy he isn't giving you a second thought. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm but that is what you're doing right now.

Where are you in all this?
Why are you willing to put yourself last, behind this person who treats you so badly?

I know it's never so easy as' just leaving' but please put yourself first and make decisions on whay is best for you, not this horrid person who's treating you with contempt.

Notcoolmum · 14/03/2019 11:37

start flat hunting, today, right now. Work out what you can afford by yourself. Start imagining yourself there. See yourself in your new flat, or houseshare, with your favourite posessions. Imagine waking up in your new place. Free from these feelings. Excited to start your day.

Then start to clear through your things. What do you want to keep, what can you throw away.

You will feel better for taking action and for visualising a better and happier life. And then start to make this life your reality.

FetchezLaVache · 14/03/2019 11:38

Aww, you sound ground down by him! You're a frog in a pot of water that's bubbling away.

Please don't waste another day - you still have plenty of time to find someone who will love you properly and start a family.

Moffa · 14/03/2019 11:39

Please, please, please leave this man! Give yourself a chance of meeting someone else & having a happy family life.

Get some therapy (NHS self referral) as you need to work out why all this has happened and be in a good place when you meet someone wonderful.

I am you. Except I married him & we have 2 DC. I have been so miserable and alone in this marriage (if you can call it that?) I am leaving my H. Honestly, it WILL NOT GET BETTER IT WILL GET WORSE.

You have nothing to stay for.

Be happy xx

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 11:51

When I read all these replies it's a harsh reality of my life and my future, I have to go I need to be happy x

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2019 11:52

Agree with Notcoolmum, you need to start visualising your new life and making practical plans, you need a goal. You also need to stop focusing on how he will feel about splitting up, he doesn't care that you've been unhappy for all this time, won't communicate to try to fix things and turns everything round on you when you try, why should you care how he will feel?

I'm going to be blunt, you are wasting your life (and possibly your chance to have children if that's what you want) on a man who gives you nothing. No love, no companionship, no support, no conversation and no hope that the future will be any different. It's time to take your life back and start actually living instead of just existing and killing time with this man, you deserve more.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 14/03/2019 11:59

Thank you everyone all this advice has really helped me I really appreciate your time xxx

OP posts:
Mycatwontstopstaring · 14/03/2019 12:15

You’re 35. You mention that you’d expected to have children. If you leave now, you just about have enough time that you might still meet someone else in time to start a family naturally. Soon, that possibility will end. You’ve given this long enough to work out. It hasn’t.

Even without the children thing... Don’t you deserve to be happy?

For whatever reason, he doesn’t want to let you go. Maybe he’s afraid to be alone... Maybe he doesn’t want to pay more rent! Maybe he just dislikes change. But what you describe is not love. So you need to end it. You don’t need his permission to dump him. Tell him that you’ll always care about him but you aren’t not in love with him anymore and you are not making each other happy and the relationship is over. Do not let him ask you how he could change etc, just keep repeating that you have decided to end the relationship.

Think how wonderful it will be to go home and not walk in to a tense atmosphere... Or maybe hang out with a man who enjoys your company and wants a cuddle...

You could be having a happy life, it’s a prize you should fight for.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2019 12:17

What the other respondents have written here.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave this so called relationship. What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?. Something has kept you with this person to date, what is it. Whatever it is has harmed you immensely emotionally.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. You mention you have a big heart; I am wondering if you are actually codependent in relationships. Its something I would read about as well as working on you going forward to raise your relationship bar and improve your boundaries.

Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2019 12:18

You can come back here for support anytime OP, whatever you decide to do. Leaving is hard in any circumstances and no one expects you to skip off to your new life without a backward glance but you don't have to do any of it alone, you have support here should you need it Flowers

MollysLips · 14/03/2019 12:23

I can understand why you can't face having the break-up conversation with him again. So I see it that you have 3 options:

  1. Stay with him

  2. Realise that there is just one conversation standing between you and a happy life by yourself. In the past you might have wanted to threaten to break up to show him how unhappy you genuinely were, but he could tell you weren't committed to splitting up so he ignored it. This time you need to have a different conversation: to dump him. It's not a two-way discussion. "This isn't working for me so I'm leaving. We have practical things to sort out, let's do that now. If you don't want to sort those things out, that's your decision, but I'm off."

  3. Take a day off work without telling him, get a big burly bloke to help you to pack all your stuff up and go. Leave a note and one half of your rent, or let him keep the deposit.

For 2) and 3) to work, you need to find somewhere else to live. Look for a flatshare or a shared house with people your age. (No, everyone else your age is not married; there will be lots of rooms going for professional working singletons like you)

Focus your energy on that for now. Find a new place to live. Save up the deposit money. Clear out any stuff you no longer want. Sign the contract and get moved.

He's had 9 years to love you. That's enough. Time to love yourself.

LannieDuck · 14/03/2019 13:25

You're allowed to be happy. It doesn't sound as if he's making you happy anymore.

Walkmehome · 14/03/2019 13:52

You don’t need to row. Make up your mind to leave, then have a plan. If he will make it difficult do a moonlight flit. I did that once when I didn’t want an ex to know where I was going. Had to leave furniture etc and start again but sometimes there is no choice.

Original poster
Buggins1984 · 20/10/2021 08:10

Quick update on this post. I finally had the courage to leave 2 weeks ago, I'm living with my sister and I'm currently looking for my own place. Thank you all kindly for your advice.

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 20/10/2021 08:38

Happy life op!

Blueberry40 · 20/10/2021 08:43

Wait until your tenancy agreement is coming up for renewal, find somewhere you want to live that’s just for you and move there instead. Your BF can do what he wants, from what you say he adds absolutely nothing to your life. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem like you could be a million times happier without him!

Blueberry40 · 20/10/2021 08:44

Sorry I just saw your last post OP- that’s amazing news! Hope you will be really happy in your new life Smile

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 20/10/2021 08:56

That is brilliant op. Well done. You will feel so much better for it. Stay strong.

honeylulu · 20/10/2021 08:58

Well done OP, what a great update! I started reading your thread thinking you sounded really unconvinced that you COULD leave and I am so pleased you did.
May you have a brilliant and happy new life.

AnotherOldGeezer · 20/10/2021 09:03

OP - what a nice post. It also shows what a nice person you are

Too many people post a problem, get lots of good advice and then can’t be bothered to respond

Good luck - you’ve done the right thing

Cheermonger · 20/10/2021 09:07

That’s made my day - you’ll no doubt have crappy days but they’re your crappy days and you won’t have extra weight from him and his miserable unloving lumpy self. Have a great day and here’s to your new life 🥂