Me and DP not having sex

[sandytree]

Me and DP have been together for three years, engaged for two, wedding coming up this year.
We have an 18MO DS.

Since DS was born we have had sex less than twenty time. I love my partner very much and he loves me, but DS sleeps in our bed a lot of the time (which I love), sometimes will go the night in his cot (which I love even more!) but as he is still breast feeding he wakes for milk in the night so easier if in our bed sometimes.

The main reason we don't have sex is I have no libido at the moment, and DPs has dropped as a result of this. We are both so tired in the evenings, haven't got anyone who could look after DS so we could have a night off or away, and just generally exhausted. I am a teacher and I leave the house at 6.30, get back at 6, few hours with DS, then most nights have to do school work until late.

I'm posting this rambling message because it's playing on my mind, and my DPs mind (it comes up if we ever argue)- has anyone been a similar situation? Are we not meant to be together if we are not having regular sex? Should I be worried?

I love him very much.

When were you thinking of stopping bf?
Once your dc is on his own bed ft you may find being in dw mode at bedtime becomes easier? Ime.
Bf a dc =dm mode with little head space for anything else!

Yes that makes sense, I also feel like I don't want to be touched after breastfeeding as it's already quite a lot lol.

I'd like to stop feeding now, but he enjoys it so much and is teething at the moment so not eating much, and puts my mind at ease when he is having milk. Perhaps I ought to stop

Don’t stop breastfeeding when you don’t have to. You’ll find it really useful when those early tantrums kick in!

It’s difficult, but try to make the most of the nights your toddler is in the cot. Perhaps try to start him there and bring him into your bed when he wakes in the night.

Hey you're averaging more than once a month - is it bad I think that's quite good going? breastfeeding a two year old here and also lacking libido - I find my best bet is to book in DP for "lunch" at home when baby is at nursery (we both work 10 mins from home). Works for him as he gets laid around once a week, works for me as I know when it's going to happen so can patch myself up to it, I know it can't go on forevvver as we have to be back to work, and I don't feel bad saying no at other times if I don't fancy it because I know we've got something "pencilled in". Sometimes I do fancy it at other times however! I find the more I have the more I want. But overall I wish we lived more like elephants and just lived in large herds of women and children most of the time!

Doesn't an 18 month old bite you when feeding?

I remember deciding it was time to stop when I cried out in agony as DD bit me while feeding as her teeth were coming through.

It seems like you're both accepting the low amount of sex, which can be a relationship killer.

I'm always interested by this perspective (not denying the truth of it btw, just the premise). That for a man to have reduced access a physical act of sharing which has physical and emotional benefits for him for a short period of time for a defined reason (I.e. during nursing) is so catastrophic it necessitates a small dependent child being denied access to a different physical act of sharing which likewise gives them emotional and physical benefits FOREVER. Because let's face it dad's need for regular boning, whether reciprocated or not, totally supercedes the infant's desire for comfort, closeness and nutrition from their mother (natural term weaning in non western cultures as between 2 and 7). Comes from the same school of thought that says it's not nice for dad to have to sleep alone in the spare room, so baby should be ejected from the mother's bed/bedroom and put in a room by themselves at the earliest opportunity (to maximise sexual access and opportunity for the father, at the expense the baby's access to the comfort of their mother).sleeping alone is such an imposition - I know, let's make the tiny helpless person do it instead.

I speak as someone who was forced to curtail co-founder sleeping before I wanted to, and am currently weaning from feeding before I and my daughter want to, because my partner subscribes to this idea his immediate wants and needs take precedence over her temporary ones.

You know what really kills a relationship? The burning resentment I feel every time time my daughter is scared or hurt or sick or teething and asks me to help her in a straightforward, profoundly comforting way that she's happy with and I'm happy with, and I have to say no for no good reason other than its what he wants to happen.

Or tovcutva long rant very short - why is the physical relationship between the parents more important that that betweeen the mother and he child?

@Namestheyareachangin it's not, I've been breast feeding for eighteen months

@Sandytree wasnt talking to you but to Sandy2K above. Breastfeeding should stop when mum and baby are ready - and sometimes that's a compromise. But the breastfeeding relationship shouldn't have to be terminated if you're not ready to so that your husband doesn't leave you, which basically was what the other Sandy was suggesting.

As I say I have a dog in this fight due to being pressured to wean before I and my DD want to; if you want to wean then you of course should. In the same way having sex you don't want to is damaging to romantic relationships, imo (clearly not everyone's view on this thread!), breastfeeding when you don't want to is also bad for that relationship. It should be about balancing needs, compromise and communication imo. However in practical terms and in order to maintain my own relationship, I am scheduling in sex I don't particularly want to have in order to keep up the habit for when I will want it again, and to keep my partner happy so he doesn't get too vociferous about me rushing weaning. And the more I have sex the less averse to it I am. But I do think it's a shame I need to do that, rather than my partner being able to maturely accept I don't have much of a sex drive right now as my physical attention is being largely absorbed elsewhere, and waiting until our daughter needs me less. And it makes me sad that he either doesn't notice or doesn't care that although I am instigating the sex I am not particularly enjoying it.

Basically I think there is a very unrealistic expectation that the relationship between the parents will not change at all after the introduction of children,so men do not expect to cede any of their partner's affection or attention to their babies, and it is a big shock and affront to them when that happens. And trying to live up to that standard basically goes against our instinct as mammals to prioritise and be close to our young while they are small and defenseless. In some of the happier, more balanced relationships I know with breastfed toddlers, there has been no sex since before the birth - because the mum doesn't feel like it at the moment and the dad doesn't want to have sex with her if she doesn't feel like it (crazy idea I know). They seem to get along fine, and these are the dads with the best relationships with their kids I've seen, because THEY are prioritising that relationship too.

Namesarechanging by the sound of it you have always been low libido though, so it would by hard for you to sympathize with average libido husbands who are going very long periods (years) without sex while their wives go through pregnancy and breastfeeding. I mean a good husband will accept that and endure it patiently, but its okay for him to have a few gripes about it occasionally.

The best way to get out of the rut is just to start doing it regularly, no pressure for it to be incredible, a quickie is fine, but agree together that every other day you’ll try find the time to at least get in bed naked together, kiss, and take it from there. Usually the more you have the more you want, and it’ll have a positive impact on your relationship as a whole. DP and I can’t always have regular sex due to an health condition but when we go weeks without it we find we sometimes end up feeling a bit distant and snappy, whereas once we start doing it regularly it positively boosts our entire relationship day to day, we’re more flirty and positive and touchy feely, go out of our way to do nice things for each other and generally feel more attracted to each other both sexually and practically (as in if one of us comes home and the other is already in, we automatically gravitate to the other person and want to be touching them and sat near them and so on).

I would talk to him in your shoes and agree that for the next week you’ll both make an effort to do something sexual every day to kick start things again. Doesn’t have to be full PIV, you can do things to each other with or without reciprocation, full body naked kissing, massage, even if you only have ten minutes strip off and jump into bed and enjoy the skin on skin contact.

When your libido is dormant it doesn’t usually work just waiting for it to come back, you have to almost fake it ‘til you make it at first, you’ll start seeing yourself as a sexual being and more attractive again, your DP’s libido will return as he’s getting laid more, the relationship between parents is important and shouldn’t fall by the wayside because you have a child (unless they’re very young) as when the relationship falls to pieces the child suffers anyway.

Obviously you should never do something you don’t want to do. But what do you think of that approach? Otherwise weeks can drag on and before you know it it’s been a month and you start to feel more like friends than partners or lovers. Sex is a big topic of conflict in relationships and many have broken up due to mismatched libido, feeling unwanted and rejected and unattractive. It’s often painted as ‘tragic, a man putting getting his rocks off over his family’ but anyone who’s been in an involuntarily sexless relationship can attest to how rejected and unconfident and low it can make you feel when weeks go by and your partner doesn’t seem to fancy you or want to be intimate.

Sex therapists often suggest pencilling it in as a way to get started, some people would argue it ruins the spontaneity and fun but at the stage you’re at its far more important to start doing it again and let it snowball from there than waiting for a magic time where you’re both free and horny and not busy or touched out with lots of spare time and no housework to do... like waiting for a unicorn to appear.

Stacktherocks- you’re so right, I know this wasn’t my thread but you’ve helped me a lot with that post. Thank you.

I felt like this while breastfeeding. I think it is hormonal. You also don't feel very sexual when your boobs leak when they are touched and you are very much in 'mama mode'.
After I stopped breastfeeding my libido came back. Me and the hubby took a wee break away with DD for a few nights and just being out of the daily grind environment helped us feel like a couple again, not just a mum and dad. Maybe this could help you too?
Good luck x

Same, thank you! Need to get back on the horse as it were! more you have the more you want definitely true for me, having a baby and a toddler means I'm shattered by 8pm but just need to stop putting it off.

Same Pickelena, just “waiting” to feel “it” again isn’t gonna happen I don’t think. Get back on the horse lol! It’s true.

tbh you need to fix this before it becomes a permanent thing.

That’s how relationships die, cheating happens. It sucks but is true.

If ur tired maybe have more date nights with a child minder or something and perhaps reduce how much ur LO sleeps in ur bed

I have had two c sections and have experienced extreme vaginal tightness after both (most unpleasant), I remember it easing the more I did it after my first one, but it's difficult when breastfeeding as no lubrication (or inclination ) if it was just the tiredness it wouldn't be so bad, but it's a bit painful too

My sex drive totally went while breastfeeding and didn’t come back until I stopped and had a few cycles. I believe this is a very natural hormonal response to feeding baby, to prevent you having another while you’re still exclusively caring for your child. I’m sure things will improve when you stop, but I wouldn’t stop for this reason.

Humans have evolved so that breastfeeding suppresses the mother's libido, it helps ensures that children are properly spaced out.

@Namestheyareachangin your posts are really interesting and thought provoking.

Surely it doesn’t have to be either/or? One can love one’s baby and DH equally - love isn’t a zero sum game.
I had each of my babies in a cot beside my bed for their first 15 months. DH and I had our normal enthusiastic sex life from 3 weeks post birth in both cases.
We would both have felt very deprived and pissed off with no sex, on top of the sleep deprivation and general hassle of babies!
Sex is important for bonding and affection, and nurturing your relationship, and is a great source of relaxation and wellbeing. It also helps you get to sleep when you are a new parent and anxious about the baby.
I’d echo all the PPs who advise reestablishing it - you will both benefit.

@namestheyareachanging
Yes, I agree, your posts are thought provoking, my thoughts were that your partner sounds like a right dick. Hope you are ok? X

@Scot72

Namesarechanging by the sound of it you have always been low libido though,

Where did you get that from?? I used to be highly sexed - one of the things that kept us together when it probably shouldn't have is he kept up with me sexually when other men didn't. But pregnancy, chidbirth, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation has put it in abeyance for a bit. And you know what? hat's totally natural and should be totally fine. But it isn't because women are supposed to have sex for men not for themselves.

@curlykraken

Yes, I agree, your posts are thought provoking, my thoughts were that your partner sounds like a right dick. Hope you are ok? X

Thanks! He's not a dick really - we're really unsuited and should have realised how much so before having a baby. Having a baby threw it all very sharply into light. I'm farrrr from perfect and he is not the guy for me nor I the woman for him sadly, but we both want it to work (for different reasons). Still not sure where we'll end up. But certainly I don't think this selfishness is unique to him - a lot of men express what essentially boils down to jealousy of their own children, and a total inability to accept that they are less important than they used to be than their partner, at least while the children are tiny. I think it's particularly bad in our culture as men's social structures outside the monogomous relationship are incredibly weak - a lot of men, my partner included, have very little social relationships not contingent on or maintained by their partner and feel totally cut off when their best friend, sexual partner, social organiser and all round facilitator disappears for a couple of years and puts that attention into a baby instead.

To speak to a PP's question, it doesn't have to be either or, but motherhood doesn't magically double a woman's capacities - if she has been focussing mainly on her partner's happiness, and then a baby comes along, he is going to feel that as a loss because there are only so many hours in the day, only so much touching and caring for and emotional resource to go around before a woman feels completely burned out.

Actually, when the cause of lost libido is hormonal, it absolutely can and does just come back when your hormone levels change.

You can’t say that you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to do, and that you need to “fake it til you make it”. Having no libido means you don’t want to have sex. And the OP still is having sex much more than many new parents - I hope she’s not forcing herself as that’s so destructive.