Me and DP not having sex

[sandytree]

Me and DP have been together for three years, engaged for two, wedding coming up this year.
We have an 18MO DS.

Since DS was born we have had sex less than twenty time. I love my partner very much and he loves me, but DS sleeps in our bed a lot of the time (which I love), sometimes will go the night in his cot (which I love even more!) but as he is still breast feeding he wakes for milk in the night so easier if in our bed sometimes.

The main reason we don't have sex is I have no libido at the moment, and DPs has dropped as a result of this. We are both so tired in the evenings, haven't got anyone who could look after DS so we could have a night off or away, and just generally exhausted. I am a teacher and I leave the house at 6.30, get back at 6, few hours with DS, then most nights have to do school work until late.

I'm posting this rambling message because it's playing on my mind, and my DPs mind (it comes up if we ever argue)- has anyone been a similar situation? Are we not meant to be together if we are not having regular sex? Should I be worried?

I love him very much.

Thanks thewinehasgonetomyhead. It’s a really tricky subject I think as some people are really dead against the idea that you should ever engage in sexual acts you don’t 100% feel complete desire for (I think it’s discussed more now due to consent being a hot topic which is obviously a good thing). But in the real world, people have sex for all kinds of reasons other than pure animal desire. People have sex because they want to feel close to their partner, to strengthen the relationship, to scratch an itch, for pure fun with a FWB, to feel desired, to take pleasure in doing something they know means a lot to their partner, to make up after an argument. And sex is a big part of a relationship, it’s something that separates your bond with your partner from the bond you have with your friends.

So I think you have to be realistic, and if you’re in a relationship that’s become sexless and you or your partner are unhappy with it and you’re monogamous so neither of you can get that intimacy elsewhere, it’s your responsibility (both of you) to work on maintaining that intimacy.

I’ve been going through similar recently, as I mentioned above due to health issues we hadn’t had sex in a month, once I felt physically able to again I realised I felt kinda weird about it and unsure of how to initiate which is silly when we usually have an amazing natural passionate sex life. And I realised we’d kinda stopped being as huggy and kissing and snuggly in bed and day to day as well, acting more like friends.

So one night I just figured it doesn’t matter if it’s amazing or not, just do it, made the first move and the same the following night and so on, he had been avoiding making the move cos he knew it had to come from me when I felt better again. And you know, since breaking the seal I’m finding myself thinking about it more and more and wanting him even more and we’re acting like spring chickens who’ve just met 😂

If you’re in a relationship where it’s becoming sexless and you know your partner isn’t happy then of course you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to but it’d be naive to assume it won’t put the relationship at risk in the long run.

It wasn't breastfeeding that killed my libido, it was my ex pestering constantly, and we were averaging a couple of times a week for those two years. Was never enough for him even though I was forcing myself as I resented him so much. I think it's mismatched libidos that cause the issue, if you and your partner are both happy with less sex then there isn't much of a problem, you will find your feet again once your dc is older and sleeping through.

You can’t say that you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to do, and that you need to “fake it til you make it”. Having no libido means you don’t want to have sex.

Of course you can say both of those things. If someone decides they don’t want to ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ then they shouldn’t. But there’s nothing wrong with initiating or having sex that you don’t feel arousal for beforehand if you feel it’s worth it for other reasons beyond solely being aroused.

You can have a low libido that means you don’t really have a drive to have sex but still enjoy sex when it happens.

OP can make her own decisions and if she absolutely doesn’t want to have sex then she obviously shouldn’t. But there are downsides that come with that choice she should be aware of. She says in her OP it’s playing on her mind and her low libido is affecting her DP’s libido so I’m offering my opinion and a possible solution. That doesn’t in any way negate the fact that whether she decides to have more sex and see if if kickstarts her libido or strengthens her relationship or leave things as they are and see how it goes, either of those are totally her choice. If it wasn’t an issue for her or her DP and wasn’t bothering her I doubt she’d have come here to ask for help and advice on it.

What’s your advice? Wait and see if her libido comes back and keep doing what she’s doing for now?

Yes, having been there multiple times thanks to pregnancy and hormone treatments, that’s exactly my advice. If she’s able to enjoy sex without having a sex drive, that’s one thing - that’s not usually the case though and I know how damaging it is to make yourself have sex you don’t want for someone else’s benefit.

There’s a big difference beyween a hormonal complete absence of sexual drive, and being ambivalent about having sex.

"And you know what? hat's totally natural and should be totally fine. "

I agree with you. Its perfectly natural for a women to completely lose her libido for, well I would have said a year after childbirth but after reading this thread I would say 2 years. So all men should know and accept that they will be getting little, or even no, sex for 1-2 years after childbirth.

But the children are going to be dependent on her, and she's going to be tired from caring for them, for years to come. At what point does it become reasonable for the husband to start wanting sex with his wife again? What if the youngest child is 4 and her libido is still zero? Is that something the husband must patiently accept?

Then that’s great advice, and hopefully OP will read different approaches from different people and have a bit more of an idea as to what she thinks the best way forward is.

OP, I forgot to ask, do you talk about this with your DP? What’s his take?

@Scott72 that depends on the couple of course. And no-one has to patiently accept anything. If regular sex is more important to him than whether she wants to or not he is perfectly within his rights to prioritise that over the relationship. I would just consider that a little shallow, given other methods of intimacy are available and other methods of sexual release likewise - there is no actual need to come inside your partner to feel cherished or sexually sated. Ok the ideal intimate and sexual experience is having sex with your partner by surely only if she wants to? If you know she is doing it without wanting to so you won't leave/moan/resent your own children isn't that a bit joyless and depressing? Surely better to focus on what you share - the intimacy of family life, of raising children together - rather than trying to force it back into what it was pretty children? Children aren't young forever and libidos do return once bf is over and good sleep returns - unless there was a fundamental mismatch in the first place. It's not like sex is taken away and there's nothing provided to replace it - there's the possibility of bonding more closely than ever before, over your love of these little people that are half of each of you and who love you more than any lover ever could. I don't see why anyone would think reluctant sex twice a week was more "intimate" or "bonding" than that.

@Namestheyareachangin "there is no actual need to come inside your partner to feel cherished or sexually sated"

I'm assuming here you mean soon after childbirth. I was talking about when the children are older, 3, 4 5 or older, and her libido hasn't returned. At that point its reasonable for the husband to want to sex with his wife, and he's not selfish for considering leaving if she's completely uninterested in sex and doesn't want to do anything about it.

Well that would be unrelated to the child rearing so a normal case of mismatched baseline libido. Incompatibility in that regard is a perfectly sensible reason for a no blame amicable split.

Although if it were me I'd just wank for the sake of being able to live full time with my children.

And accept that my partner couldn't make herself want sex any more than I could make myself not want it.

OP 20 times in 18 months? Try not to worry too much, I'd say you're doing pretty well. You must have been having a lot of sex before. It's been three years for me, not since youngest was born. And apart from TTC probably about 3 times in 10 years.

I'm a guy btw, and from my experience the thing that hurts the most is not the reduced frequency but the rejection. Rejection is painful, depressing leads to loss of hope, resentment and is utterly sole destroying.

There's some good advice already from other posters, what I would add is be careful how you turn your DP down, that's if you are turning him down. I'm sure you aren't doing it like this but being pushed away with a grunt leads to the emotions I described. Even a flat out "not now dear" or "I'm too tired" can cause resentment. Instead turn it into a positive, "I'm really tired but let's have a quiet night in at the weekend, bottle of wine". It will give you both something to think about all week, and let thungs build up..... Maybe a few reminders/teases throughout the week. Not all guys are the same, but I would certainly like something like that, it would make a world of difference.

Good luck!

The problem with this issue is that there is such a disconnect with what you feel you want and what you actually want - add to that the real life consequences of not addressing it. No matter what the politically correct (and not saying that is wrong) behaviour is. It's difficult to explain what I mean but I'll try.

I think we can all agree that sex and intimacy bring a couple closer.

I think we can all agree that a partner refusing or avoiding intimacy (be it Male or female or same sex) is quite crushing to the self esteem and can have a negative effect on the relationship .

The consequences of that negativity run the full gamut from mild frustration to the ending of the relationship .

Meanwhile we can all agree that bf is good for baby.
Most nursing mothers lose libido because it's natures natural way of spacing babies.
The issue comes when bf extends to many months (years) and libido remains depressed.

It's a balancing act. What is 'best' for baby? Is the advantage now of breastfeeding at 18 months a greater advantage than the parents loss of intimacy with each other and any consequential damage to the Parental relationship? I would say no.
Knock the breastfeeding on the head then and get back to a more couples time in bed.

You need to research this though and find out exactly what advantage breast feeding at 18 months offers besides being nice for baby at expense of your sexual relationship.

@smallereveryday

*It's a balancing act. What is 'best' for baby? Is the advantage now of breastfeeding at 18 months a greater advantage than the parents loss of intimacy with each other and any consequential damage to the Parental relationship? I would say no.
Knock the breastfeeding on the head then and get back to a more couples time in bed. *

Here's a shocking proposition: what about factoring in what's best for the mother?

In this case the OP has said she is ready to wean. But if she wasn't, should she still "knock it on the head" based on a weighing up of what's best for her partner versus what's best for her baby? Do her own feelings not have ANY part to play in this?

Breastfeeding, and in fact a whole host of things around mothering a young child like co-sleeping etc, can be powerful relational experiences for a mother, hugely meaningful and enormously satisfying for both her and her small child. Why should that period of intense bonding, of becoming, which in reality will last a few short years even if allowed full time to flourish, be curtailed before its time because that's what's best for the partner (or indeed the baby) with no consideration of what the mother might be giving up? What, in this scenario, is the partner expected to give up?

There is so very little space given to mothers to mother their children in this culture. We're expected to birth them and then treat them like an inconvenient pet, rather than accord them their true status as among our primary relationships.

There is so very little space given to mothers to mother their children in this culture. We're expected to birth them and then treat them like an inconvenient pet, rather than accord them their true status as among our primary relationships.

I think this is unfair. OP trying to find a way to balance the needs of her child, herself, her partner, and the relationship between her and her partner and her and her child aren’t the same as treating her child as an ‘inconvenient pet’. She’s eighteen months in and still breastfeeding at the expense of her own marriage/relationship.

I actually think smaller’s advice is good because it gives OP permission to see investing in intimacy again as something that’s best for her child as well as her and her partner’s relationship. She may be viewing it as one versus another, either she continues BF and her relationship suffers or she discontinues and her child suffers. When in fact I think it’s sage advice to research the benefits of BF at 18m and weigh up whether the cost to the parental relationship is worth it.

Your comment asking what the partner is giving up is a bit unfair too: well, currently, he’s giving up regular intimacy. Assumedly if he’s a good father and parent (I reckon OP would have made it clear if he was slack on that front as it could pertain to her lack of libido) he’s also giving up sleep and free time and so forth.

In a valued relationship it shouldn’t be about score keeping what one person is gaining or losing versus the other. They’re a family unit, all three of them as as important as each other and OP and her partner should decide together what’s best for the family right now, whether that’s ceasing BF and working on their intimacy, continuing and letting sex happen or not depending on how they both feel, continuing and making a concerted effort to be intimate more frequently, ceasing BF and not focusing on sex for the forseeable and taking a ‘watch and wait and see’ approach. None of those are wrong imo.

@Namestheyareachangin your attitude does seem a little strange. The rules of how its supposed to work, according to you, is that the husband is supposed to stop having sex, to stop asking for sex entirely, until when? She freely stops breastfeeding? But then you mention co-sleeping and "other experiences", which is kind of vague, so maybe up til 3? 4? 5? So sex during this time would disrupt this intense mother-child bond and be harmful to both?

And every man should just know this what his wife having to tell him and stop asking for sex entirely (despite this period being vaguely defined). And any decent man should refuse sex if his wife offers it during this period, because she's probably only doing it because she's worried he might leave otherwise. Unless she actually genuinely wants it, but a decent husband should be able to read her non-verbal signals and tell the difference.

@stack I said I wasn't talking about the op. She wants to wean, and said so above. I'm talking about the principle, and specifically that in the poster I replied to's post, there was no mention of having to weigh up what was best for the hypothetical low libido mother - only the "rejected" partner and the nursing baby.

@Scott not at all. He can ask, she should feel that if she says no it won't be taken as a rejection of his essential being, endanger their relationship etc - just that she's hormonally changed, probably knackered, probably touched out and doesn't want to have sex. For a while. Because she's got a young child and is breastfeeding. Which is not a problem to be solved but an inherently self limiting temporary state of affairs. He could ask her if there is anything he can do that might make her feel more like sex - for example, not ask her when they get into bed at night at the end of a long day and potentially facing a long night just because that's a convenient time for him, but instead making himself available at a time when she feels most energised even if it's an unusual time from their previous sex life; making sure she doesn't have a crap load of odd jobs to do while the baby is napping so she has some time to relax and get in the mood; indulge her in terms of her face position; basically help her find her mojo if she wants to without trying to drag her away from her relationship with her child. But most importantly, if she does say no - a good man wouldn't want to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex! He still has the urge to have sex sure; but can he not wank, not all the time, not forever - but just until she, you know, actually wants to have sex? Or is it her job to just have it anyway? Or to stop feeding her baby before she is ready (assuming she and baby still want to feed) so her libido is more compliant to his wants?

And I never said ANYWHERE he should know this without having to be told. They should communicate about it. Without blame or pressure. In a good healthy relationship that should surely be possible.

Sex matters. But it is not the only thing that matters. And all good sex is had because both parties want to for whatever reason. Not because one party has been told "if you don't fake it til you make it your partner will leave you."

Hmm not sure what you are going on about unless a good sex life and more intimacy in is only the desire of the father ? Bit of an old fashioned view tbh . It might be a shock but actually quite a few women enjoy sex !

There is a physiological reason for low libido in nursing mothers . It's a fact . although many women are affected to various degrees. The OP clearly said that bf was not making her feel much like having sex.

If you read my post clearly I am simply suggesting she looks at the benefit to the child of breast feeding and weigh that up against her desire to increase intimacy with her partner and 'knock it on the head ' if one outweighs the other.

You CAN of course breast feed until your child doesn't want it. 5yrs, 8 yrs ?!! But if that results in a continued lost libido then your marriage will be fucked . May not be PC but that's not much use if your partner has run off because of constant rejection. It's a choice. With all choices there are consequences there is little point in rabbiting on about expectation that a man will wait. They also have free will. The choice is always there . As is the outcome.

Yup. And this is what makes me think a lot of men aren't really prepared for children. Because, when push comes to shove, they think their wants and needs are more important than their children's. They expect their lives to stay largely the same and to still be focussed on them. As I said above, I'm currently weaning reluctantly because my partner has pressurised me to do so, and scheduling in sex to keep the peace, so fully acknowledge the unfortunate reality of this. Doesn't mean I don't think it's pretty shite.

And FFS it's not like we're talking total abstinence. A reduction in frequency is the majority of men's gripe. The OP has had sex on overage once every few weeks since birth - not remotely unreasonable when you consider she is bf so not often inclined, woke up several times a night to tend to her child, probably back to work at least part time. So the idea at this point the husband is suffering to the point of being "forced" into cheating sets a pretty low bar for the marriage vows.

I was unfair to you before I know Names, but I still see some inconsistencies in your viewpoint. Have you clearly communicated that you don't want sex with your husband? Have you tried negotiating with him something like "no sex while breastfeeding continues, and then I'll make an effort after", or are you just assuming he wants sex now, while at the same time being resentful that he can't read your non-verbal signals that you're not all that into it? And I agree a man should not expect sex for the first year, maybe two, after childbirth. But after that he should expect his wife to make an effort to start easing herself back into sex. Not resume frequent sex, just start showing she has sexual interest in her husband.

Yet you say if a woman has low libido while her children are small and dependent, she has no obligation to try and resume any kind of sex whatsoever with her husband, and indeed it would be harmful to do so. Yet the state of her children being small and dependent and exhausting continues well past breastfeeding for many years into the future.

You are so black and white about this, all this talk of "rules" and "no sex". It's not a binary thing where I say "is my child still small and dependent? Well then ZERO SEX until that changes (on the stroke of midnight on their 10th birthday)?" It's s gradual process, and sex will naturally fluctuate around children, not just switch on and off according to some predetermined rule. For example when my periods returned (about 5 months post birth, annoyingly given I was still bf) my libido went from nil to some (don't fret though, OH and I had done some sex in that 5 mths, which was actually quite nice sex as both of us were knackered so expectations were low, it was done by us both to feel close and bonded rather than to fill any major desire and it felt comfortable and comforting). Now I am weaning I feel even more inclined, but still nothing like how I was prebaby when I was reliably getting more than 5 hours broken sleep a night and had only him to think about. I daresay by the time she's 3 and sleeping through more nights, and when she's 5 and not so disposed to climb on me and hang off my knees all day when she's awake, I'll have even more capacity to feel desire, and so on; however the fact I'm being hurried into all of this, basically told I have to push her away from me to make room for him rather than letting her naturally grow up and away from the intensity of that early childhood relationship, may mean I end up feeling the desire but have no inclination to share it with him!

For context, I am typing this now because my DD just woke up for perhaps time 1 of 3 tonight and I can't get back to sleep. I am, authentically, TIRED. Being tired is not conducive to being horny. Being tired, getting into bed for what may be a 3 hour window of sleep if you're lucky, and having someone lat claim to up to an hour of that precious sleep time to do something you really don't much fancy doing is...

We have talked about it but always in the context of how it's a problem I need to do something about (e.g. wean or sleep train, i.e. remove the "inconvenience" of our daughter being a little child with the needs of s little child for closeness and comfort so that I can better serve his need for closeness and comfort). The fact he will still be there much unchanged in say 2 years time, and ought to be able to manage on what sex I can manage until then (which is not none!!), whereas she will only have these needs and they can ONLY be met in this very short window of opportunity, doesn't get a look in apparently. There's no PATIENCE.

I guess what frustrates me as well is if I said "there will be sex twice monthly until we self weans, then sex twice a week or more depending on my cycle thereafter" he would probably prefer that than for both of us to actually respect each other enough to be flexible, go with each others respective flows as much as we are both able, and for the sex we DO end up having to therefore be mutually desired and therefore actually enjoyable. I'm upset by the fact MEN aren't upset by the idea of their partners having sex they don't want to have to keep them sweet. It just highlights how, for all the modern man is preoccupied with "making her come" thanks to pornography, a lot of them still see sex as something women let them do for their enjoyment, rather than a mutual activity.

But to answer your question clearly, I don't think anyone is obliged to put up with anything that makes them unhappy in a relationship. I agree with you that patience post child birth is a good thing and compromise needed on all sides (including the less up for it party). But emotional blackmail, and attempting to hurry along your child's childhood so you can get the amount of sex you think is your due, is pretty crummy. If mum has weaned, baby sleeping though the night and not high needs in any way, and mums libido still hasn't returned, then I'd say that's a problem with libido mismatch which is not related to children and should be addressed however you would address that normally (ideally with discussion/compromise, possibly by splitting up if it's intractable). But the solution that a woman put out according to the man's schedule even if she has no desire to do so should not be an acceptable solution to either party in my book.