Me and DP not having sex

[sandytree]

Me and DP have been together for three years, engaged for two, wedding coming up this year.
We have an 18MO DS.

Since DS was born we have had sex less than twenty time. I love my partner very much and he loves me, but DS sleeps in our bed a lot of the time (which I love), sometimes will go the night in his cot (which I love even more!) but as he is still breast feeding he wakes for milk in the night so easier if in our bed sometimes.

The main reason we don't have sex is I have no libido at the moment, and DPs has dropped as a result of this. We are both so tired in the evenings, haven't got anyone who could look after DS so we could have a night off or away, and just generally exhausted. I am a teacher and I leave the house at 6.30, get back at 6, few hours with DS, then most nights have to do school work until late.

I'm posting this rambling message because it's playing on my mind, and my DPs mind (it comes up if we ever argue)- has anyone been a similar situation? Are we not meant to be together if we are not having regular sex? Should I be worried?

I love him very much.

I guess what frustrates me as well is if I said "there will be sex twice monthly until we self weans, then sex twice a week or more depending on my cycle thereafter" he would probably prefer that than for both of us to actually respect each other enough to be flexible, go with each others respective flows as much as we are both able, and for the sex we DO end up having to therefore be mutually desired and therefore actually enjoyable. I'm upset by the fact MEN aren't upset by the idea of their partners having sex they don't want to have to keep them sweet

I can see why having a rough schedule planned would be desirable to someone who is unhappy with the intimacy in their relationship as it takes the pressure off the rest of the time, it’s something to look forward to and means less time spent worrying ‘will we ever do it again? It’s been four months!’. But if this was something that was agreed to in my relationship, and any of my prior relationships, it’d be with the unspoken understanding that when the time came either party could say no. You still need to consent when you reach your planned Saturday night sex! It’s not as if you consent when you decide on a planned schedule and then when it comes you have to do it come hell or high water.

If you had a plan and every single time for the first month your partner said ‘actually, no, I don’t want to’ then it might indicate there’s a bigger issue to work on together and that scheduling isn’t gonna work.

You can desire sex that you’ve planned in advance. And you can decide you don’t want to do it and then both work through the consequences. A good partner isn’t going to force themselves on someone who clearly isn’t into it just because they’ve agreed beforehand to give it a try at a certain time, and if they do, well that speaks to a way more upsetting and huge problem in that person’s mindset and the relationship.

Honestly, your used of MEN is pretty offensive, and I’m sorry that you’ve had such terrible partners or male friends and relatives so often that you think it’s accurate to lump men in general together under ”I'm upset by the fact MEN aren't upset by the idea of their partners having sex they don't want to have to keep them sweet”

I’ve had a fair few sexual partners, more than the average by a long shot, and all but one of those guys would have been horrified if they’d thought I was only shagging them to appease them. My OH notices and picks up on the times when I’m in even a tiny bit of pain during sex and wanting to continue and stops because he knows it’ll cause me repercussions later if we carry on. He’d rather we not have sex for six months than have sex that hurts me or I’m not into. That is honestly the bare minimum you should expect from a partner, surely?

I don’t usually think NAMALT is appropriate in the typical contexts it’s used in. But this is an appropriate time to point out that NAMALT, and if you’re with a man who IS like that, I hope sincerely you’re able to reevaluate and get out of that relationship.

I have to say I never had DS in my bed after the first few months. I felt I needed my own space and by 18 months he was sleeping through the night.
There does come a time when adults need adult space together unless you are that family with 21 kids and a new baby every year.
I think it's important for you both that you have some you time together even if its just for hugs initially.
Maybe time to get DS into his own room.
My views probably are not popular but I was born in a time when adults came first and children I think were happier for it and knew where they stood.
There is no way I could have put up with a small wriggly child in my bed every night. It is a proper passion killer.
Your child can still feel loved without this as long as you have quality time together in the day and weekends.

@namestheyareachangin You sound so articulate and clear in your views, which I completely agree with. Why don't you feel able to stand up to him and say, 'no, I'm going to prioritise our DDs needs and will wean when she and I are ready' ? Why are you resigned to acquiescence? I know you feel pressured by him, but you can make a stand. And if you know you won't be together long term due to incompatibility, then surely you have less to lose? And you'll only hate and resent him more.

He sounds like a selfish prick btw, just like my ex, and I recall how hard it was to refuse to serve his needs, or placate him in some way.

to you and OP

Gosh I think you are doing pretty well Op! That sounds like quite a bit of sex for someone with a baby who is 18 months!

My youngest is 11months old and we've only done it once since I gave birth!! Reasons being baby in cot in our room, I'm knackered, working part time, have diastasis recti (separated tummy muscles) and I'm 40 and I'd rather sleep!! Thankfully my DH isn't pressurising me and think he is just as tired as me!

I do worry sometimes too, as worry our relationship may change to more like friends than lovers. I'm hoping when we all get more sleep and more time for self care it will pick up naturally though. I hope I'm right!

I think best thing is to talk about it and reassure that lack of sex is temporary which it hopefully is. and try to spend some quality time together if you can arrange it.