Getting over infidelity

[lools192]

I am just wondering if any of you would like to share some of your stories. Have you ever found your husband/partner to have had an affair/one night stand/messaging others and you have been able to forgive and stay together?

I ask as I am going through the devastating heartbreak of finding out my fiancé has had a one night stand, whilst I was pregnant with our child. Not only that but dating sites, sneaking out, all sorts that you could never imagine your fiancé would do!

Anyway, I am in the process of looking to sell our house and right now I feel like my option is to get the hell away from him.

However, just out of interest I am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this and you have stayed together and are now happy?? Or did it go the other way?

#lools192 sorry to hear you're going through this.
I found out my OH was messaging another woman (dirty video's and all that) I only found out because I was pretending to be asleep on his shoulder & when she txt him & i asked who it was he said it was his brother 🤔 I stayed with him & it's my biggest regret.. I don't trust him, my self esteem is very low & I'm full of anger.

How awful for you to find out he was doing this...& while you were pregnant.
You deserve better, I'm realising this as well

This can’t end well OP. I’m so sorry 😐. A ONS is bad enough- but dating sites and shady behaviour while you have a child together and not yet married?
A bad marriage is worse than hell - and it will affect the kind of mother you can be to your child too. He sounds a wrong un - to me anyway- and there are few stories where this gets better.

I found out 2 weeks ago my husband was having an affair. It’s all so raw that I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve done a lot of reading on both divorce and rebuilding a marriage after an affair.

Regarding the latter I understand it is difficult but possible especially if the following are true:

• The person who cheated acknowledges all responsibility
• The cheating party is honest about everything he/she has done - no more lies
• All contact with the affair partner ceases.
• The cheating party wants to rebuild the relationship i.e. it is not the one who has been cheated on begging him/her to come back.
• The cheating party agrees to counselling
• The original relationship was previously good and this behaviour is out of character
• There was some kind of trigger which caused the change in behaviour e.g. bereavement, depression etc

For us all of the above are true but I still don’t know how I could ever rebuild that trust. He is living at his mum’s and I have agreed to counselling so will take it one step at a time. If any of the above are not true I would say it would be rare that you could build a strong, happy relationship.

Doesn’t answer your question as I also have the same question but hope it helps!

I’m still with my DH and happy.
I haven’t forgiven and I’m not sure I ever will but I have ‘accepted’.

Each situation is different though and the dating sites would concern me tbh.

💐 to all of you x

So sorry but it sounds like a pattern of behaviour with him and I honestly think you'd be happier and saner in the long run if you get out.

I'm so sorry to you all but thank you for sharing your stories. It's absolutely devastating and not something I would wish even on my worst enemy.

I trusted my partner with my life and he was the last person on earth I expected to do this to me. I had no clue either, it was purely by fluke that I found out.

I worry now if I am ever going to be able to trust another man ever again? I don't want to be alone but I never want to feel like this again.

I wish you all the best x

Time to end it OP. He will not change - you will drive yourself crazy wondering what he us getting up to. Sorry this has happened to you.

So21 how long ago was it?

I'm a few weeks in to discovering the extent of the affair. We're rebuilding. Things are going well. Mostly.

But I'm struggling with random intrusive thoughts from the time they were together.

I almost feel traumatised by it. Ive stopped eating since first discovering there was an EA about 2 months ago.

I do believe him it's over. He's doing all he can to make it right. I've access to everything if I want. We've had some counselling. We're very open, honest and frank In our discussions. There is a marked difference in his behaviours and interactions with me now and when it was going on. More natural like it used to be

But how long before I stop the flashbacks to texts I've seen, or driving round near her house to see if I can see her (I'm often round that way for legitimate reasons?)

I'm not a fan of automatic ltb (which surprised me to be honest as it was always do black and white before). But think it depends on the man, other circumstances, your situation, your relationship state prior to the affair etc.

I hope you get through it.

I wrote down every question that came into my head and we sat down and went through them. There were around 125 in total. I said he needed to be totally honest as the answers wouldn't change our relationship rebuilding but I needed to know for closure. Questions were fairly easy like when did it start etc and some harsher ones about sex, and feelings for her. I do think he answered honestly as some answers were not what I wanted to hear. It really helped.
Good luck.

“He was the last person on earth I expected to do this”

The most common words of a cheated on partner.

“I don’t want to be alone”

Not a good reason to stay with someone who cheats on you.

Up to you, it’s your life but this behaviour sounds shady to me, especially the dating sites. It didn’t just happen, he went looking for it which is completely different.

shouldidoitornot

It’s been over 3 years and a slow process.
Like a bereavement, you don’t suddenly get over it, you gradually heal and it never completely goes away.

Yoyo 10000 - sorry I think you misinterpreted my post. I wasn't suggesting not wanting to be alone to stay with him. I'm thinking to the future, being able to trust anyone again.

I am a long way from looking to see other people yet but I can't help but think of my future as a single mum alone.

Sorry, I guess I just feel major sorry for myself

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself 💐 It’s totally shit.

Please remember that none of this is your fault and you will pick yourself up and be strong again. Live your best life xx

I forgave, but I felt like the "nice" man I was with before had fallen away from me and been replaced by a shiftier, more venal person, a stranger I had to come back together with.

It didn't work for us. In our case, the infidelity was part of a broader pattern of abuse and my forgiveness caused him to lose what little respect, regard and admiration he had left for me and he then increased the abuse over the years until I almost broke.

Im sorry OP, my post was quite pessimistic.
But best to be realistic.
I have a child with mine too.
I wish to God I left years ago.

I found my dp was messaging other women, also had sex with other women, whilst I was pregnant too. He also paid an online website for sex thinking it would get him to meet local women for sex.

The lies that come with it all and the accusing me of being nuts, paranoid for initially questioning him. Thankfully I had tonnes and tonnes of proof.
The hurt is horrendous, but for me, what was worse was the actual lack of acknowledgment for what he's done and the effects it can have.
He told his Christian mother I had made these lies up initially so she had literally very little to do with me and the kids. I couldn't understand it as he'd told me she knew everything.
Doubting myself, was hard. Feeling not good enough. Thoughts of him doing stuff. Sick feelings each time I got that sixth sense of something else to deal with.

For me the pain and hurt stopped the day I realised he's a major gaslighter. I then decided no more. Not a second more of my time will be spent on him other than ref the children. It feels great now.
I ended up in therapy last year as a result of lots of the stuff he'd done. I even found deeply detailed pirnographic pics on his laptop between he and another woman and they'd met up for sex once.
His life has always been just that. Mine will never be again.

I'm so sorry for you right now. X

Forgave her first time. Didn't forgive the second time. Biggest mistake was forgiving the first, and continuing to be emotionally manipulated. Don't be me.

I found out in the summer my husband of 9 years (together closer to 15) had been having an affair for 3/4 months. It started not long after I had our fourth child. We started counselling within a few weeks of my finding out.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done in mylife. I still don’t know how it will go. One of the hardest things is the feeling of isolation. Though I have confided in a few people - who have been amazing - I do not know anyone who has gone through this.

My heart really goes out to you. I remember where I was two weeks after finding out. Just keep getting up every day x

@skinnypete
I couldn't agree more. I actually look back now and feel embarrassed with myself for staying put for as long as I did.

dear lools, i am sorry for your heartbreak.

I believe different strokes for folks. My story is that I didn't....six years later. He was my husband and best friend and a wonderful human generous to a fault. He cheated on me with adult sites. I still loved him, could not leave him but could bear to let him touch me for over two years. So I left for good. Met a man who I love and remarried now. But I have baggage.

My trust in men and love is gone.

I swing between feeling bad about the way I feel mistrust towards my new husband who has done nothing wrong and then feeling right about his guilt until proven innocent.

I left my first husband because I could not stop checking up on him. And yet I do that with my current husband.

It has broken me and who I was and what I thought and felt to be loved be in love. And commit to marriage.

I don’t believe anyone could ever ‘forgive, stay together & be happy’ & if they say they are they are utterly delusional.

You would wonder what every text was, who they were with when they say they are working late or come back late from a night out for the rest of your life. If you forgive it you condone it & when it happens again, which it will, then don’t be surprised.

There are good faithful honest men out there, your current one isn’t one of them but you shouldn’t tar them all with the same brush. I’m very lucky to have many of them in my closest friends & family & have utter faith in their fidelity, same for my DH (if our relationship ends it won’t be because either of us cheat & in the unlikely event that that is the reason the outcome would be black & white - no second chances ever under any circumstances, made clear from day one).

Good luck OP hope you find the strength to get out & eventually find someone better, nobody deserves to be treated with the disrespect you have..

While I disagree with some of what Chipsandgin says above, I do think it changes you forever. I almost physically felt it happen. I knew part of me would never be the same again.

You might find some of Esther Perel’s books and TED talks interesting, and her podcasts ‘Where shallnwe begin?’ are fascinating.

chipsandgin

You have a lot to learn

Interesting thread.
Over the 'many' years I've seen couple hit bad patches and come back from the edge.
Sometimes affair, physical and emotional.
It took a long time but they worked through their issues and are stronger and happier than before. Trust does could back but has tons earned.

One couple who sadly didn't make it was down to the loss of a child (10 year old) some problems are just too big.
Very sad.

SO21 - to be honest before this happened to me I would have probably written the same as them. Until you have experienced anything like this, you honestly have no idea how you will react no matter what you tell yourself.

I have a friend in a similar situation and as soon as she told me I told her to leave straight away. She didn't and I thought she's an idiot for not doing so. Until it happened to me.

My situation has been going on for 2/3 months. I firstly found out it was just messaging for pictures and I decided to stay with him. After a few weeks we became happy again, yes I thought about it a lot but I felt happy with my decision.

It has only been this week I found out about the one night stand. I look at him and I hate his guts so unfortunately, right now I have chosen to leave.

This is why I asked for people's experiences who have gone through similar so I can gather an idea as for what's to come for me.

Thank you again to everyone for sharing. It's extremely helpful