Getting over infidelity

[lools192]

I am just wondering if any of you would like to share some of your stories. Have you ever found your husband/partner to have had an affair/one night stand/messaging others and you have been able to forgive and stay together?

I ask as I am going through the devastating heartbreak of finding out my fiancé has had a one night stand, whilst I was pregnant with our child. Not only that but dating sites, sneaking out, all sorts that you could never imagine your fiancé would do!

Anyway, I am in the process of looking to sell our house and right now I feel like my option is to get the hell away from him.

However, just out of interest I am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this and you have stayed together and are now happy?? Or did it go the other way?

Absolutely lools, no-one ever thinks it will happen to them but I’m not sure smug posts from people with no experience of your situation are helpful. This is your life and reality 💐

lools192 how is being with you now? Do you think he is being honest? Is he answering any questions you may have? Has he/will he move out to give you space? Is he remorseful and wants to try to rebuild your relationship? Will he go to counselling?

From the posts and my own experience I think you need that as a minimum if you did want to even think about trying again

It’s early days, give yourself time and space. It’s a huge shock, I felt like my world had come crashing down around me when I found the texts. Two weeks in the pain is easing slightly but I still get flashbacks to those texts. I don’t know which way to go but I do know that in amongst all the anger and confusion we have had more in depth, meaningful conversations in the last week than we probably did in the past year. I think we are building strong foundations for a new relationship, but I need to decide whether I can move on from the EA and put my focus into that.

Lady dowager: that sums up me 100%.

My husband was also the last person I'd ever have thought do this. It's so out of character. As was his behaviour toward me in those months (not Abusive just distant/pushing me away).

I hope we can work through it. It's just the pain/flashbacks/thoughts that pop in every so often. They are lessening though and I'm monitoring less.

I do like seeing your experiences as it show I'm not the only stupid woman choosing to see if things work out. It may not. He knows that I may not get through it. But I need to try. We were a good team.

I tried but it didn't work. The trust was gone and as a PP said, every message he got I was wondering who it was.

Constantly wanting to check his phone but he had changed the PIN (we both knew each other's before the affair) and I couldn't bring myself to ask what it was now.

I worried when he was not with me and when we met new people - any remotely attractive female he spoke to brought me to tears. I started getting jealous of him talking to my friends and wives of his friends. It was just a living hell so I walked eventually - took about 6 months.

I am still completely devastated and terrified of the future without him in it. DC are grown up but a great support.

@Chipsandgin......I would have said the same about my H. We were nearly 25 years together. Everyone we knew was shell shocked as he was just not "the type". Total family man, straight down the middle, went to his local pub with his mates or was with me. On stag dos, he was first in bed at night, refused to go to strip clubs, started taking DS as soon as he was old enough. Always tried to get me to come when meeting his friends, watching rugby etc ( they used to complain that he wouldn't go out without me - he said I was great company and added to the night). So it really was out of character- people thought he was having some sort of breakdown. So it really can happen to anyone.

In truth, his head got turned and he went with it. EA at first then when I found out and chucked him out, it became physical. He very soon realised real life is very different to a bloody WhatsApp fantasy life and I felt I had to try again....but the damage was done.

In my case it was a very old ‘thing/infatuation’ that I found out by accident, I haven’t left but even 2 years later I am still undecided simply because it’s like a ‘flame goes out’ you can still like, still care but somehow not feel quite as special as a couple as you did before

I think, like a pp said, the person you fell in love with, is not the same person now.

You loved this person who wouldn't do this, who would be faithful, caring, loving and with you above all others..... then find out he's done this!

The person you loved, is not the same - if you come back together, it's with a new person, someone who would do this.

He has changed the relationship - not you. And you can walk if you don't want a relationship with someone who would do this to you. And has.

#ladygowagerhatt (I don't know how to tag people sorry!)

So he's been ok I guess? I don't really know what I expect him to do, it's took nearly 3 months to eventually get the full truth, whether it is or isn't I'll never know now. He worked away for 2 years this is where it all happened. He has a new job now locally and I know 100% nothing has happened since his new job.

He's extremely apologetic and says he's disgusted with himself, etc. He has answered all my questions but now I don't really want to talk to him so everytime he has tried to come near I've just walked away.

Unfortunately neither of us have anywhere to go so we are still under the same roof at the min but he's been working so haven't seen him much.

I just want it to be over now. But with a house and a baby I know it's going to be a slow process

I've had 5 LTRs including one marriage. I'm in my 40s.

First 2 LTRs, they cheated and so did I in retaliation. I was devastated by being betrayed. Crying all night, verbal fights, threatening the "bitch" who had "tried to steal my man." Very childish all round, I was in my teens for both of these relationships.

Last 3 LTRs, they all cheated; I cheated in all but the last one. It didn't really bother me. I hadn't heard of non-monogamous relationships (except for weirdo hippy communes) until my last LTR. Ironically, at the start of that one I told him I wasn't monogamous by nature, and he said that was a deal breaker for him (and made me feel like a bit of a slag in the process) - I agreed to be exclusive and then he went off and fucked a load of other people behind my back. Arse.

All the break ups were not about cheating. (1 He left me for someone else (not someone he'd cheated with); 2 I dumped him as he was very abusive; 3 I left as we had just come to the end of the road and were basically living as housemates; 4 I left as our relationship had just descended into a toxic mess of resentment and arguments; 5 he left me for someone else (not someone he'd been cheating with.)

I guess it depends if you believe sex gives you some mystical emotional connection with the person you're fucking. Unsurprising spoiler: I don't. Unless it's majorly impacting family life in some way, I really don't care if my partner is knocking boots with someone else.

FYI to tag people, just do the @ sign followed by the username.

So this @lools192 should give you a notification that I've mentioned you in a post :)

@lools192 I have recently found out my husband had an affair, it had ended when I found out which was by accident but it is hard and like yourself I would never have expected it from my dh. We are currently working through it, I still have hard day's but I found writing my feelings down day by day helped. My dh has told me everything and has answered all my questions. We are communicating a lot more and i feel we can work this out and hopefully become stronger again. Take each day as it comes and do what is right for you. Be strong in whatever you decide. Reading all the replies has helped me see that people can get through it, every situation is different x

Ditto Skinnypete

It’s actually the cheater who is weak and who often has low self esteem.

Because it's a pattern of behaviour, not a one-off, I wouldn't have much hope of him learning from this and staying faithful.

I stayed and he just kept going on dating sites and having affairs etc. Always the next ego boost. Don't understand really why he wanted to stay with me so much.

Anyway, I had enough in the end and the joy of no longer feeling distrust and ending the slog of trying to make it work was amazing. I have never regretted ending it. I really did do my time with him.

In my mind, if my husband got drunk and it was a one off thing I would probably forgive him, but the premeditated PLANNING to cheat (joining websites etc) is another thing. If he has planned to cheat on you before then he obviously thinks it is acceptable and will do it again

Fair play to you all who have decided to stay and make it work one way or another but the first incident shows a lack of respect, to then go on and do more means he will never respect you if you stay. Whatever way you reason with yourself he will be thinking he's got away with it and what a sap you are for staying. I'd sell up and get the hell away from him.

I found out my DP (of 10 years, 3 DC) was having an affair 7 years ago

Before then I would never have thought he would cheat

I threw him out after hours of screaming and shouting

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep but used those extra hours to get my paperwork in order. I owned the house so was ok in that regard. I went through all of our living costs, went online and figured out how much child support he'd have to pay, got as much evidence of what he earned, his bank statements etc. I was cold in a way that shocked me but I made sure that me and the DC would be secure financially and he agreed to everything I asked for financially

He wanted to work things out and said he'd stopped all contact with her

I desperately wanted my "before" life back but couldn't trust him

I obsessed over it and I needed to know everything that had happened between them so I could look at my own life and know what had been real and what had been a lie. I desperately needed to understand what had we been doing as a couple and a family while the affair had been going on

He didn't live with us for nearly 2 years but coming from divorced parents I made sure that we had a good parenting relationship

During those 2 years we went to counselling. I went back to studying and became qualified for my industry. I learned to drive.

The counselling really helped me see that there was nothing I'd done to "cause" him to cheat. That the failing was on his part not mine. Prior to the affair he had done very well in his career and had become a walking fucking ego.

The 2 years apart showed me, and him, that I didn't need him to be ok

We got back together 5 years ago. It has changed me as a person. And it changed him too.

It was scary to throw him out but I needed time on my own to know for myself that I didn't need him to be ok. And I needed to see what he would do given his freedom from our relationship.

I'm glad we're back together now and I do trust him again. It hurts when I think back on it but I no longer think of it every day.

We communicate with each other better now

It came at a price as I've lost friends who couldn't believe I would get back with him

I'd be worried that it has taken you 3 months to know the truth. Do you have access to pay slips, bank statements, is the house both of yours? Sorry if I've missed how old your baby is, are you on maternity leave? I know you say it will take a while to sort out, use this time to explore all different options available to you financially. It's the worst feeling and I'm sorry you're having to go through this

Ladydowagers list is a good starting point of whether you have a relationship worth saving

@S021 It’s really not a case of having ‘a lot to learn’. I’m nearly 50 & have had most of my lovely, kind, faithful to their partners, male friends in my life for over 30 years, I also know my Dad, 77, and brothers, both in their late 40’s have never cheated, statistically so far they have all proved that there are good faithful men out there.

As I said in my first post - if my DH did cheat, which nearly 20 years down the line he hasn’t & is unlikely to, then it would be over - no grey area. That’s also never going to change & he’d say the same about me (cheat & that’s it, no second chances, simple - if you make that choice then the consequences are set in stone so you know the outcome).

I just don’t see the point of trying to get past infidelity as the trust is gone & every real life example I’ve seen just reinforces that opinion.

I can’t see what is this ‘lot to learn’ could be?

I originally commented because the OP, quite understandably has lost her faith in men & I wanted to reassure her there is hope when she has lost it - all because of one shitty man who shouldn’t influence her opinion of ‘all men’, that was all!!

I appreciate your reply chipsandgin and apologise for me flippant post.

The thing is, you don’t actually know these wonderful men in your life haven’t cheated.
Most women don’t even know their own partner is cheating. No-one knows about my DHs affair. Not our friends, our children or our parents. I am older than you and we had been together well over 20 years. I too would have said the same as you, until it happened. Then, and only then, did I really know what my reaction would be.

@S021 would you mind if I private messaged you? Can you do that on here? (I don't really use Mumsnet)

I've done a lot of reading on this and seen a few threads you are have commented and would like some advice from you, if you wouldn't mind?

Ofcourse lools

It may be easier if I PM you and then you can just reply 😊 Look for the icon at the top of the page x

Cheating is a deal-breaker for me.
My ExH who I was with for 15 years had an affair.
I did think about trying again. For a day or so.
Then realised that things would never ever be the same again.
That the man I loved and trusted had hurt me more than anything I had ever known.
I knew I'd never forget or forgive.
I knew he would always be different in my eyes.
He went from a man who would do anything for me and loved me, to someone who could actually hurt me. Really really hurt me.
I've never felt pain like it.

2nd guy also cheated. I knew I'd not put up with it from anyone ever again so that was that over as well.
He's now doing it to one of the OW and I do feel for her. Her self-esteem is rock bottom but she'd do anything to keep him.

We all have different boundaries and different deal-breakers.
A lot of couples can come back from affairs.
I knew I couldn't.

Your problem OP, is that he is on dating websites.
He has NO respect for you or your child or your relationship.
You will always be wondering what he's looking at etc.....
The trust is gone.

You aren't married yet, but this is your decision.
Only you know if you can get over this.
For now though, get away for a bit.
Get some headspace.
Really think about what YOU want for YOUR future.

Personally I didn't get over it until I had kicked his sorry arse out of the door.

We're all different and while some may find they can forgive, if not forget, I'm not one of those people. My trust in the person would be irrepairably broken.

I agree with chipsandgin and don't understand why anyone would stay in a relationship with someone who has shown zero respect and love for you by cheating. Does this mean I also have a lot to learn? I'm in my 70s so it's a bit late now.

I'm really sorry OP and hope you find happiness whatever decision you make.

I completely understand that SilverySurfer
My ‘a lot to learn’ comment upthread was not about the decision to stay or leave.

It was about the absolute belief that a partner would never cheat and professing to know the ins and outs of so many others lives.