Coparenting with abusive ex

[CoparentFail]

Please help me with some advice. Ex is very emotionally abusive, one of his favourite tactics being stonewalling. He does this constantly when I try to make any arrangements for our child. Even exchanging medicine becomes days and days of asking (between derails of his, attempting to spark an argument about unrelated pettiness) to arrange to meet. We exchange our child through school drop/collect, so we don't meet if it isn't organised. I think he's decided never to see me or speak to me again, which is his choice, but how on earth do you make this work with almost 50/50 care? He has attempted to frustrate medical appointments, basic swimming lessons etc, and refuses to give any money of any sort (I've applied for child suport). Any advice would be gratefully received!

Anyone, please?
It's terrible. The long fact twisting emails, full of accusations of my incompetence as a mother, every single time I have to engage about absolutely anything to do with our child. How can these men be managed to make it bearable? Does anyone have experience of this?

Just seen this . I don’t have the answers either . I think this what I am up for next .

Tho my ex wants a handover diary maybe that would work ?

Hi Coparent,
First of all I'm going to start by saying well done for not resorting to the tactics of many who would have used many words and phrases to belittle their ex in this situation- it goes to show that you are mature and have your child at the forefront of your mind.
Secondly, I'll put my hands up and say that I don't have experience of this in terms of your situation. However, I've dealt with this kind of situation where a close female family member is the abusive co-parent. Constantly belittling her ex, making him out to be a bad parent, making holidays and appointments awkward on purpose and turning the entire world against him (fortunately I've grown up around this person and have had her turn entire family against me so know how manipulative she is).

Assuming that you communicate via email, what I would suggest is a simply email each time you need to get in contact. Something along the lines of:
Swimming lesson, Tuesday night at 6.30PM. Please let me know if you are able to take/pick DC up.
Parent's Evening. Friday 3.30PM. Not compulsory for you to be there but if you want to see DCs school progress I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

The key is to always remain polite. If he tries to be petty and initiate an argument, simply don't address it. Be factual, punctual and continue being the great mum that I imagine you are. At the end of the day, your child will see your efforts. Much love

Thank you both so much for the replies and thank you Kiko for the kind words, that means a lot (especially when he says such awful things in emails!) and I really do try so hard to keep everything very reasonable. I feel like I do need to just give him the info, briefly and be detached from his reaction.

I'm a little worried if I let accusations and twisting lie unchallenged, that he'll use it in court as "evidence" that I don't disagree with what he's saying. This is how he draws me into a these discussions, which go on endlessly, for days. I repeatedly try to reframe back to the original question, but he refuses to answer, continuing to badger and interrogate about completely unrelated things. Often rehashing discussions I'd thought were settled.

Could there be legal implications of failing to dispute his emailed accusations? Should I just say that I dispute the allegations? He's threatened to take my child away (custody) and I think that's where this is going. He's trying to build a case.

There's no legal implications as far as I'm aware. What I would do is keep a record of this conversation here, so should anything come of his threats, you can say you sought independent advice and decided that the best way to act, was not to act

That's a good idea, thank you Kiko.

I feel like I'm about to do battle (Family Court), which I suppose I am. It just seems so weighted against me, because I'm an honest person but when he decides he hates someone, all bets are off. I'm really frightened actually. That he'll be believed and he'll win.

I have nightmares about him and OW, who coparents our son with ex and supports him in all this. I struggle to eat and sleep. I recently had to go back to work when he left, as he quickly stopped giving me money, so I'm not around as much for my child, 9-5. She's pregnant and I guess will be a SAHM soon. I'm scared that the judge will see them as a better, alternative family unit (I think that's what ex intends) and give my child to them full time.

It's like a one of those horror nightmares about a plane crash, then you wake up. But I never wake up. I can't believe it's real and that I haven't woken up.

Anymore advice? Has anyone else gone through this, and come out the other side?

Why are you agreeing to coparent with him if he's abusive?

I guess I thought I had to? That it was best for my child to have his dad involved, that society expects it and that the courts expect it. I didn't really think I had a choice.

I'm also frightened that ex will "choose" the new woman and baby and abandon ours because it's mine - which would be easier for me, but absolutely horrific for our child. When ex is done with people, he's done.

I feel like I have to try to make coparenting work.

Sorry I'm trying not to give too many details because he knows I'm on mumsnet - so that's why "child" and "it"!

Do you both have the same type of phone as in either android or iphone? Wondering if it would be possible to synch an online diary. Do you have specific days when he picks up/does overnights or does it vary? If it's the same each week it should be easy enough to set up an online diary that you can both access, and use it purely to add notes concerning your child. Otherwise, a notebook diary as suggested by a PP could work, he wouldn't be able to put anything abusive in there. You could just put in child's book bag on the days he is picking up.

Have you had any support from domestic abuse services, women's aid etc or any legal advice? I would speak to Women's aid about your best way forward.

You don't need to dispute his allegations and don't engage with them. You could say something to the effect of "do not use our communication method to make accusations or abuse me, I will not be engaging with this behaviour further. Keep all communication to the logistics of co-parenting only. Any abusive messages will be considered harassment." and give him nothing. Just the facts. Appointment times etc. Zero personal, zero argument.

It sounds like a right nightmare. He's not only making it difficult for you but for your child too. I'd make that clear to him. You may not be able to coparent and just resort to overnight/weekend visits.

We have our child on a fixed rota, though he's challenging for more time. Unfortunately our phones arent the same! I'd considered Talking Parents, but haven't figured how to ask him in a way that he wouldn't know I really wanted it, so refuse, just to make a point. 🤨🤣🙄

Can you get the court to order communication on a parenting app as part of child arrangements? He'd do it if someone else asked (and I hadn't asked first).

I have been in your position for the past 4 years. Is your child at school yet? What is the contact pattern at the moment?

Stop engaging with him. He’s going to tell lies whether or not you try and defend yourself. Court isn’t going to take this into consideration unless he has actual evidence. Him just spouting his mouth off won’t wash.

Keep a note of EVERYTHING. Date, times and what happened. So every time you get an absuive/aggressive email write it down and keep a copy of it.

Get in touch with Women’s Aid for some more advice regarding contact etc. If you could get a handover diary to go with your child this then stops you having to get in touch with ex. You can write whatever you new to in here, and if things like medication aren’t being given write it down (not in the handover!) but as evidence to give to court.

Do not engage in any arguments with him. Look up the Grey Rock way of dealing with people. Basically be as boring as a grey rock.

You tell him your child’s swimming lesson is on Tuesday at 5 for 1/2 hr and they need 1 dose of medication 3 times a day. His response of fuck you! I am not doing activities everz! I told you that bitch, why don’t you every fucking listen! Who should you think you are telling me what to do on my time with my child!!!!

Your response is: As per our custody agreement our child is to attend their activities Sec 23 d Page 31. Would you like to bring them or would you like me to. The medication will be in their backpack.

Him: Fuck you! I am not driving anywhere, you can’t make me!!!

You: Ok, I will be there to pick them up at 4:30 to drive them to swimming lessons. Please make sure they are ready to go.

How old is your child? Is there a plan to go to court or are you just concerned he will apply to court?

I have similar and reality is you can't co-parent with a narcisstic individual as they will always counter parent. Once you realise that you are not dealing with rational you will start to disengage.

The secret agenda of someone with a personality disorder is to keep you entrenched in a fighting relationship and engaged in chaos and conflict as much as possible. Disengage in all attempts to keep an argument going, which means that you will have to stop that urge to have the last word.
When you must interact with a seemingly irrational ex, keep your sanity by asking yourself, “What is today’s unhealthy agenda? What is today’s agenda to engage me in a frustrating interaction?” Figure it out ahead of time and then stand back and watch their manipulative action. The key is to just observe what’s going on instead of reacting to it.

You can use stock phrases such as "I don't agree with your point of view" or "that is not my recollection of events,".
He will continue if he believes he is causing you distress, grey rock all the time.
Let the small stuff go, only engage in important battles as it will consume you when you need to be living your new life.

My DC are older and I mostly don't react but sometimes his gaslighting (saying we agreed something when we clearly didn't) is infuriating. One tactic is to promise yourself never to respond for a several hours. It will allow you to reflect and see his agenda.
Btw, he will do the same to ow as to you, as soon as you switch off his access to negative supply he is likely to turn on her. No doubt she is in the idealise phase but it won't last.

The more your respond to his asshatery the more evidence you give them. The more calm and cool you are, the more you get. Make sure you are keeping g a diary or the like of appts he is interfering with, medications he is not giving and anything else. Keep a copy of all communications between the two of you.

Keep all emotion out of any emails, texts etc. You have most likely dealt with what he is bringing up. He just wasn’t happy with it!!

Just because he has a partner doesn’t mean he becomes default parents. You are her mother. Her mother doesn’t become defacto caretaker because she is home more. If dad was actually home more maybe but not his partner!

Try and get everything in emails.
It’s all evidence for family court.
Why are you trying so hard to facilitate contact? It’s not necessarily in the best interests of your child.
May be send and email and in it put some rules eg I will not respond to any abuse, accusations of neglect or demands.

As for the money, if it’s 50/50 care then I don’t see how he would owe you maintenance. I mean this kindly. Yes he should support his child but it sounds like he’s doing that by having it 50% of the time.

Can you just stick to the facts of arrangements with the kids and stonewall any accusations or inroads to an argument?

If he responds with long-winded drivel, you know he has seen your message so your part has been fulfilled. Don’t reply to anything else. Ignore it entirely. Keep screenshots of his goading and intimidating whereby you only respond politely with details of contact. Let him whip himself up into an abusive frenzy in black and white. It certainly won’t be you it reflects badly on.
So long as your conduct is polite and reasonable, no one can say you’re joining in or an equal participant. You are perfectly within your rights to ignore his bullying.

As care seems to be 50/50 is it possible to have medication at both houses? Then you don't need to talk to him about it?

P.s I know it must be hard to resist a reaction at times but resist!
Think of it as letting him reveal exactly who he is. Bigger picture.