Coparenting with abusive ex

[CoparentFail]

Please help me with some advice. Ex is very emotionally abusive, one of his favourite tactics being stonewalling. He does this constantly when I try to make any arrangements for our child. Even exchanging medicine becomes days and days of asking (between derails of his, attempting to spark an argument about unrelated pettiness) to arrange to meet. We exchange our child through school drop/collect, so we don't meet if it isn't organised. I think he's decided never to see me or speak to me again, which is his choice, but how on earth do you make this work with almost 50/50 care? He has attempted to frustrate medical appointments, basic swimming lessons etc, and refuses to give any money of any sort (I've applied for child suport). Any advice would be gratefully received!

category12 - I have been receiving support, however he's not currently physically or sexually abusing me, just psychologically, so they're a bit limited in what that can do. I'm trying to get help from d.v. experts who know the system, so they can help me navigate the legal system after abuse. My solicitor is good, but doesn't understand d.v. and my counsellor is good but doesn't understand the system!

I did tell him a month or so ago that I considered his communications to be harassment and only to communicate on matters relating to our child, however he immediately started sending emails which paint me as negligent, accusations, rants, then I'm drawn in to get my side "on record". Recently he's returned to rehashing old (I thought resolved!) money and divorce rants. He doesn't do boundaries well.

Jolie - it is a total nightmare.

If your ex has such concerns over your parenting why hasn’t he referred you to social services? Or why, if he has, you haven’t had a call? Why just the long emails accusing you of failing as a parent? Because, as you say, he’s abusive. Personally I wouldn’t respond to ridiculous accusations, he’ll enjoy pulling your counter argument apart, he’s abusive. I’ve no experience in court but I’d hope that you not responding wouldn’t be looked on negatively. I didn’t respond to my ex’s claims that I’m a terrible mother because the points he raised (and the language used) was an angry rant. As I say, if he was really concerned he’d raise it with the relevant authorities and you’d hear something.

As a previous poster asked, have you any support from a domestic abuse organisation? They’ll have seen his type before and can probably get you some tailored advice.

You don’t need to get your side on record. Like I said, unless he has concrete evidence of these claims (written statements from actual professionals etc) he’s not going to get anywhere with them. You make yourself look worse by engaging with him in these emails. Just ignore, as impossible as it is!

“I'm drawn in to get my side "on record"’

Right well don’t be duped into thinking along these lines. No reaction. None at all. No response to accusations or rants whatsoever. From now on.
Let him dig a hole, you put down your spade and walk away.

I haven’t read all the replies. But i would say don’t indulge him. Don’t talk about anything that’s not directly related to your child and childcare arrangements. He’s using your child to draw you in and manipulate you.

As a side note if you have 50:50 care I don’t believe you’re due any maintenance. If there’s things that he habitually doesn’t pay for ie school uniforms, could you ask him to contribute?

I think you should ignore those. Well, keep them of course for the courts, but don't respond.

You don't need to defend yourself to him and the courts will not take you not responding as you agreeing he's right. It's just fuelling his fire. He may want to trample your boundaries, but you have to maintain them. Grey rock all the time.

I have been through this OP, I'm sorry to read this. I'm a very long time lurker...I have only been able to read and not reply for years, and this made me come back on.

I split from abusive EXH 10 years ago...and at that time things were quite different (iPhones not been about long etc).

If you type shared parenting into App Store search, they have quite a few apps that look good, I wish I had those. I don't however have experience of them, so I don't know how good they are. Obviously he has to use the app!My ex used to constantly change email addresses and phones and say he hadn't got my email, or reply by text and made it impossible to have a trail to work out what was happening. Or say something on the phone then deny it. I always confirm in writing anything like that.

I had some great advice from a charity and a psychologist (I had PTSD):

Don't respond to anything emotional. Just don't engage. Occasionally I would reply to a terrible accusation, but the result was awful and endless comms. Keep going back with the exact question, and a statement. For example:

"Ds1 has a dentist appt on Monday at 4pm when he is with you, please confirm if you can take him. If I don't hear by Friday I will cancel the appt." I would generally only arrange these things on my time with them, as my ex used to do this and leave me hanging.

Same for pick up/drop offs. Don't wait around if you are being mucked about. "We've agreed a pick up time of 6pm. Please collect DS1 at this time or we will not be there". This means you may end up with children but you need to establish an agreed time etc. I know all the games with lateness/sickness/work meetings/car breaking down. Be flexible to a point of course because those things happen to us all, but if it's every time, that's about control.

Maybe say to him by email "I'm very keen to make coparenting a success, and am not happy to use email/text/phone calls any longer, so I'm setting up a shared parenting app we can both use called xxx, which will make it easier to book appts and share information on a calendar of shared dates on our DCs. I believe it will make it easier for us both to put DC first and see what plans they have. I will set this up and share with your email address starting on 1 April, all arrangements and appointments will go on there and I will no longer reply to emails or texts on children arrangements as it has become unviable". Or something...?

The biggest thing for me was not engaging. It is so hard when you are being attacked. Keep going. Be firm, factual, not emotional, arrangements only.

My psychologist advised me to treat him like a 3 year old child with very very tight boundaries, and to withdraw any emotional involvement in conversations. If that starts state "I'm happy to talk about arrangements and issues relating to our DC. I'm not happy to discuss this any longer so I'm going to hang up now". It is very hard, but STAY CALM...it seems very cold, but I honestly find it helps to just stick to facts.

Also if he rehashes old emails (I remember this well) copy and paste your response one line. "I disrepute this and will not discuss further". IME he is playing a game, loves 'winning' and getting one over on you. Maybe just maybe, having a baby will take up more of his time?!

I think if he thinks he can needle you with this emotional abuse and it upsets you, then that's a form of power, because you aren't in a relationship now, this is all he has. It doesn't work overnight, but keep going ok? Message me anytime OP, this is a horrid situation 

Thank you for all the responses! I'll try to respond to all the questions.

It's not 50/50, it's close, but more like 3 nights in 7 (though less, really, as he also travels for work). He want to go 50/50 now, as he doesn't want to pay child support.

The medication isn't regular, adhoc, like for infections, so has to be exchanged.

We're about to go to court, I filed.

He doesn't pay for medical bills (private testing -
he agreed in advance, diagnosis confirmed), swimming lessons, the mortgage etc. It's bloody lucky I got a job so quickly! He was going to pay for haircuts, coats, shoes etc, but that's been coming from the joint account, which is almost empty. I asked if we could look at topping it up (each contributing an amount per month), he ignored it. I do, buy, and organise everything. He pays half of childcare, but it's tough to get that money. He'll likely have OW doing childcare soon.

This is so hard OP totally understand

I agree with the 'grey rock' approach. Do not engage in any communication other than minimal factual for child arrangements

My ex did take me to court to get full custody with all kinds of crazy allegations. It was horrible but in the end when everything was disproven he completely backed away and now only sees them a few times a month

If you approach CMS they will calculate how much he is due to pay.

Were you married? If you’re going through divorce proceedings your spousal and assets should get sorted then. Sounds like your finances need tidying up. Realistically he’s not going to be able to contribute at the same rate he was previously if he’s now running his own household.

I’ve already had 3 years of this, OP.
I gave him an email address to be used solely for communication about our DD. I never respond to any email sent to another address but that one. I log in once a week, on a wednesday.
I get the same type of emails, absolutely ridiculos. They make my blood boil, but I have a rule of never responding straight away, I wait a few days.
I go for a run every time I get an email like that and pound the pavements with pure hatred. Then I feel much better.
I never reply to personal insults. From time to time, when it gets bad, I ‘remind’ him in a cold tone that I find his emails abusive, could he please stick to the only reason we are still communicating, ie our DD.
I made the mistake of allowing him to see her whenever he wanted. Because I am not using my child. He ramped that up with showing up at the school etc. So I had to put a stop to that and simply say: this does not work for me. No. Again, no.
I had to have counselling for this. I write a journal to get it all out and I also found the lone parents thread a great place to vent.
HTH

Everything BackIn said. Plus open a sole bank account and put a no operations marker on the joint, otherwise he could clean you out whenever he feels like it.

I've no experience of this, but it can't be right that he's able to still abuse you like this.

I really think you need to find a solicitor that is better experienced in this area, and hand over to the courts a record of all his abuse. And talk to Women's Aid. It sounds utterly shit for you and I hope you can find a way to have to deal with him on your terms, not his.

I'm taking all this onboard! He does do the thing with multiple different email strings and replying to the "wrong" email, so the email trail is totally confused. Funny that this is a "thing" they do.

I'm going to try the parenting app with shared calendar. If he refuses to participate, I guess he's still got access, so can't claim I'm not informing him or trying to coparent.

Until then, I'm going to respond to nasty email with "I dispute this" etc and return to the original question, grey rock, let him rant, give him nothing. Forward vital info to him as fyi, no narrative. Take care of appointments myself (mostly already do these alone).

I've already let the money go, will just leave that to the courts to reimburse me if they will. This ongoing communication is all he has left. I'll grey rock him.

Yes, we're married. Joint assets. I've filed for divorce, which he's bizarrely angry about.

Joint account has almost nothing left, I have my own separate account. I'll be closing the joint soon, as there's no point to it if we aren't putting money in for joint bills.

@CoparentFail - your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have inboxed you.

Sounds awful. Dsis ex has these Issues. Ruddy nightmare you poor thing.

I agree with BackinLast, and generally with doing anything that removes things he can create about, set up online calendar you can coordinate (surely google has one that doesn‘t need same phones). reply in facts only, short factual sentences, sign every contact off politely and formally.

Think on the meds I might talk to your GP to explain the situation and ask their advice. If he ever doesn‘t comply (won’t give back meds or won’t confirm he is giving meds as needed) go straight to gp and say and ask for additional meds, sharing his emails and your concerns. It’s completely unacceptable for him to do this and is evidence of his behaviour.

Thank you Scooby!

That's a good idea about the medication. If my child is with me when he gets sick, I could ask for dual prescriptions - one for me, one for dad's house. Surely GPs and the NHS have seen it all before?

They nhs will have seen all manner of this stuff

If you are no longer living together you should not have a joint bank account. I'm assuming you have not informed the bank, do so immediately. You could end up in all sorts of financial hell!
There is no reason to reply to his emails at all. You are feeding his anger.
You can set up Google Calendar which you both contribute to, so you can see pick ups etc.
I didn't speak to my ex for 5 years as he was very similar to yours in that he would try to draw me in to arguments, face to face. My DD was 6. Eventually we did hand overs at the childminders so had no reason to speak. We had a notebook. We had 50/50 joint custody and I got half the child benefit in an envelope on my pick up week. I bought all her clothes etc because I wouldn't give him the pleasure of saying no. The only clothes that went between us were her school uniform, or the clothes she was wearing in the school holidays. Things did become more civil over time.
Strangely enough, we got over ourselves and attended parents evening jointly at high school, both took her to Uni and split the costs, planned a joint surprise 21st birthday party, and congratulated ourselves on a job well done at her wedding! But oh how I managed not to kill him in the early days I will never know!!!

The other thing I'll do, to cover off emailed allegations, is print out the emails with allegations and rehashings and just write my account, links to support (like other emails etc) and date it, then file it away. Then I have that to hand if I ever need it ... but no engaging with ex on anything but core child raising comms!

This is so helpful, thank you everyone.

You'll struggle to get 2 lots of meds. I just used to decant enough into a clean bottle using one of those measuring syringes you can get, then give him the original bottle.

Soontobe60 - oh how I want to end up where you are now, able to be civil and even friendly at the big life events! And to ensure that he'll actually BE at those events, for our child!

We have our own clothes (except shoes, coats, school bags etc) at our own houses. Did this to try to minimise conflict. It works well (thank goodness something does!).

We do child exchange through school and childminders. Sadly, he used drop offs to goad, shout, swear, threaten and glare at me. Still does (e.g.medicine exchange), but not weekly!

This is the last joint account. I've unwound almost everything else. This will go too, as there's no point to it without him contributing too. Don't worry, I have always set up all our joint banking to require both authorisations for any lending, and never any permitted overdrafts. Still, fraud etc, it's going. He is screwing me on the large money life events type lending (outing) though, this will have to go past a judge. Barristers! £££

Oh yes absolutely new bank account. In fact I set up an account only used for maintenance and children just so he didn't have my main acc details. It can still be a pain with him putting money in he agreed for something like shoes, then he would tell CMS to count as maintenance...keep putting up these little barriers, they will protect you.