Coparenting with abusive ex

[CoparentFail]

Please help me with some advice. Ex is very emotionally abusive, one of his favourite tactics being stonewalling. He does this constantly when I try to make any arrangements for our child. Even exchanging medicine becomes days and days of asking (between derails of his, attempting to spark an argument about unrelated pettiness) to arrange to meet. We exchange our child through school drop/collect, so we don't meet if it isn't organised. I think he's decided never to see me or speak to me again, which is his choice, but how on earth do you make this work with almost 50/50 care? He has attempted to frustrate medical appointments, basic swimming lessons etc, and refuses to give any money of any sort (I've applied for child suport). Any advice would be gratefully received!

Soontobe that's so encouraging! I feel similar in we are a long way forward. I can't believe now compared to where we used to be. However I always have to be on my guard for the occasional game/poke/aggravation.

Does your child come back happy from his house? Who is doing the childcare there him or his partner? Please get advice from a domestic abuse specialist asap hes using this coparent set up to continue to abuse you?

Be careful with the joint account. I had one and had to have both of us present to close it. Ex was reluctant too because he was busy trying to spend the overdraft, having emptied the contents!

What a sad thread. I recognise so much of what is going on here. I've had six years of it. My children are older and so they see him less and less but he recently decreased the money he gives me not once but twice. This was after refusing to sign a declaration of support for my mortgage application which was subsequently refused. I live in fear all the time about money and I can never make plans for anything anymore as he cancels last minute for everything. It's horrible and makes me wish my children's childhood away sometimes. I can't believe I'm still being emotionally abused by this man 6 yrs down the line, and I'm so sad so many of us are in the same position. Manly pats on the back to us all x

Hellywelly, no, child comes home unsettled, tearful, ends up sobbing on my lap. Wishes daddy didn't leave, wants to be with us at the same time, sobbing. Takes a day or so just to get them back on even keel. I don't know if it's reality setting in or if there's tension at daddy's. I know OW does the cooking, I believe she does the laundry, ex doesn't clean, so that must be her. Child says she's good to him (I didn't ask!), which is a relief to know.

Good question from someone regarding does your child come back happy, relaxed, neutral from his house.

I know you have a lot on your plate but I would question whether it is in your child's best interests to have such a lot of contact with such an abusive human being.

I know you said your child needs his dad but seriously, does he? How can a child negotiate this man's evil brain when you know how hard you are finding it yourself?

surlycurly - these guys just suck don't they. Our poor kids (and us)! It's not forever (repeat like a mantra).

chamomile - you're on the right track, I think ex will be a lot worse as my child get more of their own ideas and individual self. Ex has already ramped up the alienating behaviour. One recent event (too outing) involved telling child ex couldn't come due to me (outing), basically that I wouldn't let him. I had asked ex to come, told him he was welcome, of course nothing would happen ( ) and if he still wouldn't come could we say ex was ill so child's feelings not hurt. No. He sat child down and told them I was stopping ex attending. I know ex followed through because my child said "Daddy told a lie" then told me all about it.

It's tough, because he hasn't done anything bad enough to have contact reduced, so I just have to try to work with him as I'm pretty much stuck with him.

I later found out there was a big sports game on the day of the event, so that's probably why ex didn't want to attend and needed to blame me.

I've not been in this situation myself, but 2 close friends have been and I've heard all the awful details. It must be so difficult and I'm sorry you are going through this.

One ex in particular was incredibly abusive and has harassed her for 4 years. She completely ignored all attempts to goad her into an argument and actually when it went to court it went in her favour as she kept all communication as evidence - the judge saw a barrage of abuse on email and her polite replies, only factual points re the children and no engagement in the other stuff at all. Don't even dispute his claims, completely ignore.

He also went for 50/50 but was not given it. It was deemed too disruptive and he was given every other weekend and some holidays. The frequent changeovers were thought to be too unsettling for the children and it sounds like it's unsettling for yours too. Make sure you document everything - note down dates and times where he was upset etc and give your solicitor absolutely everything to build a case.

You mention that he was aggressive at drop off, was this in front of your DS? All of these sorts of things should also be documented, anything at all that might have an impact on your DS's wellbeing, and passed to your solicitor.

Best of luck

@Soontobe60, how did you move to amicable? Did your Ex start behaving as decent person and if so what do you think caused his change? Or was the change in you?

Can’t give any wisdom that hasn’t already been suggested, but you have my sympathy. Unfortunately you are probably right about things worsening as your child gets older and has own opinions... speaking from horrible experience x

Sorry haven't read it all but i have a very abusive now ex husband (Finally ex)
Our care arrangements are not 50/50. I have a residency order and he sees them regularly.

You can not co parent with someone who is abusive let along unreasonable. You have to try and parallel parent! My ex is totally disruptive on all levels, he doesnt totally keep to the court order, wont communicate anything with me or discuss anything, unless its something he wants. Hes emotionally unstable and that totally represents itself with his parenting and his communication.
You have to take it back to total basics! Try and make it like a business relationship, so professional and not emotional.

My ex husband still abuses me 2 years on, but its hard to prove for one reason or another. He has done some really terrible things to me, but going through the court system, police and even social services involvement, no one has really picked up on it. My solicitor knows what hes like and says hes a very abusive man and he is, but its not physical or sexual its psychological (cohesive control). This is very hard to prove. I have received legal aid and had a D.A. worker, he has been threatened with a restraining order several times but stops short of doing enough to get one, every time. Its totally relentless, but what i would say is look up the Gray Rock approach, its very helpful and gives you a direction. But honestly the best thing you can do is look after yourself. Feel free to pm me

OP, you need to take yourself off the joint account asap. If he decided to put it in overdraft, he could and not a thing you could do about it, but you'd still be liable. It makes you really quite vulnerable: it is not a good thing to be sharing finances in any way. (My ex started an overdraft on a joint account we had when we split.) You need to be in credit to close it or be removed from it. Make it a priority to get off it, shift any direct debits that apply to your household off it. It is not something to keep going.

You can put a block on your joint account, but no other activity can take place.

category - you're right, I'll do that next week.

And thanks all for the advice and well wishes. I'm still reading, taking it all on board and making plans.

Regarding medicine exchange, I had a lockable mailbox put on the side of my house which we both have keys for. Ex can them come and get the medicine or drop it off at his leisure and we don't have to meet

I had another thought about social media. I think your DC are too young, but when mine were still underage (like 8 and 9) he set up accounts for them and then added me as their friend, as a way to see my feed. He also set up fake profiles as the cat/dog and friended DC. It was bonkers. I just blocked all his family on all platforms. It took a long time to feel safe in this area, and I had to get Facebook to remove at least 3 (extremely) underage accounts and insisted that DC set up own accounts when age appropriate, using own passwords etc.

I'm going through this currently.
He's verbally abusive, constantly threatening me with police and social services, I'm an unfit mother with mental health issues (I have tablets for anxiety due directly to his abuse and severe gaslightening over about 9 months).
He's filed for full residency without a lawyer. Had me interviewed under caution for criminal damage which I didn't do, and the list goes on. Has got in touch with friends who text me about how unreasonable I'm being etc.
I'm not sure how I'm still standing, it's the worst thing I've ever been through, and all because I don't agree with his 50/50, due his being on an ever changing shift pattern and a history of Facebook dad style parenting.
We are going to court, I'll be OK but I hate to think what my son has been exposed to.