Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is making me feel guilty.

72 replies

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 12:27

Do I need to explain myself to this man or certain things are not worth explaining?

Long story short, I have recently met a really nice man and we get on so well. We are meeting again tonight. Every time, we meet, chat or text, he keeps asking if my children have got in contact with me. I have three adult children and he has two. He was not present in his children's life when they were younger and has recently got back into their lives and trying to rectify things - taking them out for dinner, going to the cinema with them and doing all family stuff that he should have done when they were young. Well he is trying to be the full-time dad that he was not able to do (he left to be with the OW)

However, I was a single mother to my boys - I am not a rich woman but worked so hard to give them almost everything. I think I spoilt them but my boys had always been selfish, now that they have left home, I do not get much contact for them - only when they want something, if I needed their help and try to contact them, they would ignore my calls, texts or emails. I have never received even mother's day card or birthday cards from my boys. However, if they wanted something, they would call, emails, text multiple times and I always end up giving them whatever it was they were asking for. Relationships with my boys have always been a one way and I do not expect that to change anytime soon.

Why is this man trying to make me feel so guilty that my boys do not contact me?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 12/03/2019 12:29

Maybe he is suitably puzzled why you gave them everything and they have turned out so selfish and thoughtless?

HollowTalk · 12/03/2019 12:34

I'm really sorry your boys only contact you for money. That must be very hurtful. Do you ever text them about normal things, things that you're up to or watching on TV or whatever? Do they reply? I think I would stick to just birthday and Christmas presents and hold back on any other gifts, particularly if they are pestering you. It must be so hard for you.

I'd be wary of a man who abandoned his kids, to be honest. It's not something I could cope with. It should be you asking him questions, not the other way around!

PetsFactor · 12/03/2019 12:35

Wait... how do you find a man who chose OW over being a father, relationship material?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2019 12:36

Have you asked him? It should be obvious but it might be worth asking, not that you should have to, why he keeps harping on about something you find painful and upsetting.

It’s heartbreaking how you describe your relationship with your children. You don’t have to maintain the status quo of being a doormat and having a totally one sided set up, that’s not healthy for you and not doing your sons any favours.

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 12:40

@Hollow, thank you so much! He asked if he could phone me this morning only to go on and on if the boys had been in contact. I told him the truth and he was demanding to know if I had a good relationships with my boys.

When I was moving office, I asked my middle son if he could help, he told me that he would, but did not have money for transport, so I made a bank transfer to his account and then he told me that he would not be able to do so...

OP posts:
babysharkah · 12/03/2019 12:43

Why are you interested in this man? Concentrate on your relationship with your kids, it's nothing to do with him and he doesn't exactly sound like someone to be bothered with.

TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 12:45

Have you told him to shut up about it?

Robin2323 · 12/03/2019 12:46

Just ask him ....
Maybe he doesn't like to see you being taken advantage of.

My daughter used to be like your sons.
Doesn't speak to me now.

My son 23 is the most kind and helpful son anyone can wish for.

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 12:53

@Robin, thank you. He has never met my boys but I feel that he is feeling guilty for neglecting his kids - his daughter was only 7 when he left to be with the OW. She is now in here 20s and he wants to be a dad... It's like going back when she was 7 not a woman in her 20s and the son is even older

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 12:56

Maybe he has been successful at rescuing his relationship with his children and wants to rescue you too. Like a successful dieter trying to make everyone else go raw food or whatever even though their mates are happy being chubby carnivores. Personally anyone deciding to rescue me or fix me would piss me off hugely.

SandyY2K · 12/03/2019 12:57

I think he's puzzled that you who was ever present in their lives and did everything for them, don't have any better relationship with you, than his do and he wasn't in their lives when he left.

It might be to prove to himself and make him feel less guilty, that him leaving them may not be the only factor in why they don't have a great relationship.

Tbh... I'm quite perplexed myself about how you continue to give, when they're so selfish...so it might be that, as opposed to making you feel guilty.

I'm also not sure guilt is the right word either. Guilt is when you've done something wrong.... that doesn't apply to your situation.

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 12:59

@Towel, you're right. It's like they are back when his kids were young. He has moved back to the family home - they are all living together, the mother, the children and him

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/03/2019 13:00

Concentrate on your relationship with your kids

The one sided relationship where they can't be bothered with her?

Not much to concentrate on.

Stop being used by your DSs.

TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 13:02

Er, what? He's moved back in with his ex and is dating you at the same time.

SandyY2K · 12/03/2019 13:02

He has moved back to the family home - they are all living together, the mother, the children and him

Are you sure you aren't the OW?

Who moves back in after 15+ years of separation.

Sounds very strange to me.

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 13:03

@Sandy, thank you for your input. I felt guilty that I raised my boys without their father (personal decisions) I had to walk that extra miles and I did for my boys.

OP posts:
Browne07 · 12/03/2019 13:05

Yes, they are all playing happy family

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2019 13:12

What now?

Does his wife know about you? Did they ever divorce? Do both of his adult children live at home still?

You’ve got bigger problems than him asking about your kids OP...

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 13:15

@Anne, his wife does not know of me but of the OW, yes, adults children do live at home. Hence, kiddies stuff together... they are all there, wife (never mentioned that he divorced and 2 adults children)

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2019 13:20

Well, this escalated quickly. OP, you are the other woman!!! Why are you even with him?

userxx · 12/03/2019 13:21

So he never got divorced? And now he's moved back in with his wife and kids?

HollowTalk · 12/03/2019 13:23

Blimey! So this guy cheated on his wife, abandoned her and their children, is now back with her and cheating again with you? And he thinks YOU should improve your family relationships?

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 13:23

@Green, yes!!

OP posts:
Browne07 · 12/03/2019 13:25

Loniless is a disease!

OP posts:
userxx · 12/03/2019 13:26

So you know you're the OW and you're ok with this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread