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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is making me feel guilty.

72 replies

Browne07 · 12/03/2019 12:27

Do I need to explain myself to this man or certain things are not worth explaining?

Long story short, I have recently met a really nice man and we get on so well. We are meeting again tonight. Every time, we meet, chat or text, he keeps asking if my children have got in contact with me. I have three adult children and he has two. He was not present in his children's life when they were younger and has recently got back into their lives and trying to rectify things - taking them out for dinner, going to the cinema with them and doing all family stuff that he should have done when they were young. Well he is trying to be the full-time dad that he was not able to do (he left to be with the OW)

However, I was a single mother to my boys - I am not a rich woman but worked so hard to give them almost everything. I think I spoilt them but my boys had always been selfish, now that they have left home, I do not get much contact for them - only when they want something, if I needed their help and try to contact them, they would ignore my calls, texts or emails. I have never received even mother's day card or birthday cards from my boys. However, if they wanted something, they would call, emails, text multiple times and I always end up giving them whatever it was they were asking for. Relationships with my boys have always been a one way and I do not expect that to change anytime soon.

Why is this man trying to make me feel so guilty that my boys do not contact me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 12:28

@Fizzy, thank you so much.

OP posts:

BlackPrism · 14/03/2019 14:44

So he left his wife for OW, then he left the OW and moved back with his wife and kids.... when did you enter the picture? How could you not know you were having an affair?

If you were blind to something this bloody obvious then maybe you were blind to other things as your kids were growing up.... have they ever said why they don't spend time with you or want to help?

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 15:00

@BlackPrism, I have not known him for long time. I can only go by what he has told me - He lived with the OW for over 15 years, left her and moved back with wife for a short time. Moved out and lived on his own but daughter wanted him to move back into the family home.

My boys are just ungrateful young men.

OP posts:

BlackPrism · 14/03/2019 16:36

🙄🙄🙄 you could use your own brain and go by what common sense tells you?

letsdolunch321 · 14/03/2019 16:44

Once the kids know he is shagging another woman (YOU) his lovely relationship with them will be over.

Are you paying him to be with you? In the same way you gave your kids everything they wanted

atlastifoundit · 14/03/2019 16:58

Man dumps wife and kids and goes to live with OW for years. Then dumps OW and goes back to live with wife and now adult children. Man then starts relationship with OW2, while still living with wife. Man then starts interfering in OW2's relationship with her own dc.

Nobody needs a man like that in their life, do they?

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 18:37

@Letsdolunch, I am not paying him to be with me. He was generous to me, it's not like he is looking for a place to live. @Atlast, you're right

OP posts:

PetsFactor · 14/03/2019 22:15

I was not aware that I was having an affair with him

Til when? Shite! You just said loneliness was a disease. Basically you would rather shag him than be lonely?

Don’t play the clueless card because we sussed you out for being the willing OW

crimsonlake · 14/03/2019 23:12

I am dumbstruck by the turn of events, words fail me, speechless.

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 23:29

@Pets, I would not say "willing OW", why would I not believe him?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 23:31

Are you really okay knowing you’re shagging another woman’s husband?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/03/2019 23:35

Bin him, and focus on mending your relationship with your kids.

I find food always draws them closer to me. Cook a roast dinner this week-end and invite them round.

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 23:41

@Anne, he told me that he was separated and I believed him - we all have stories to tell. I do not believe that I have been shagging someone's husband. He was open from the beginning and said that I can contact him at anytime because there was nothing between him and his wife.

He has never ghosted me or ignores my calls, texts or emails.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 23:44

He’s living with her. Let me guess, they sleep in separate rooms, don’t have sex, she doesn’t understand him, they’re only living together “for the kids”?

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 23:49

@Anne, after leaving the OW, he lived alone and was in a dark place, both parents have passed on- he has no relatives nearby. I am not trying to make excuses for him. He feels bad for leaving his children for the OW.

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 14/03/2019 23:50

God what a strange thread!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 23:52

I’m talking about now though OP. You know he’s back living with her. Doesn’t matter what happened when he originally left her. You are making excuses for him and for yourself. It’s an almighty mess. You can and should walk away and never look back. Your loneliness isn’t an excuse for staying involved with him now you know he’s back with his wife.

Original poster

Browne07 · 14/03/2019 23:58

@Anne, I have stopped seeing him. He was stressing me out with his demands why my sons are not calling or visiting me.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 15/03/2019 00:01

He's a serial cheater. Don't let him use you for sex and affection, as your son's use you for money.

You've no need to feel guilty about leaving their dad. He could have still had a relationship with them.

You really should stop giving them things. Invest time in yourself.
Look into a hobby, take an evening class.. access mutual interest forums online. You can do a lot to fill your time.

2019willbegreat · 15/03/2019 00:03

@DoctorDread....thank God it's not just me! I thought I had inadvertently sniffed glue whilst reading this.

Oldstyle · 15/03/2019 00:08

Hi OP
I agree that loneliness is powerful but you are definitely worth more than this. You must be tougher that you think to have brought up your kids single-handed. Please use that strength for yourself for once and start to build your own sense of self worth. Counselling might be helpful, or life coaching, or spending time/money to do the things that you want to do, things that make you feel good about yourself. And that includes spending time with people who appreciate you. Maybe worth reading a couple of self-help books. And if you can, tell your sons that you expect them to be less selfish and to be there for you now that they are adults. Sounds daft but if they are used to being selfish gits they probably don't even register that's what they are doing. You sound lovely. Just give yourself a break. And say goodbye to the BF who isn't helping at all!

Original poster

Browne07 · 15/03/2019 00:13

@Sandy, thank you for the kinds words. Yes, I believe that he is a serial cheater. @Doctor, it's very strange, you cannot make it up if you try. DH leaves wife and moves in with OW and her kids, then move back with the DW and then somehow convinced me to have a relationship with him.

OP posts:

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